Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Figured I'd better post this. It's looks fucking amazing. It's that special time of year and here comes another (what could possibly be) a great Christmas horror flick. I love Christmas and Christmas movies. And I love Christmas Horror moreso. Silent Night Deadly Night, Santa's Slay, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians...and now Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale. Fuck. Yes!
It's the eve of Christmas in northern Finland and an "archeological" dig has just unearthed the real Santa Claus. But this particular Santa isn't the one you want coming to town. When all the local children begin mysteriously disappearing, young Pietari and his father, Rauno, a reindeer hunter by trade, capture the mythological being and attempt to sell Santa to the misguided leader of the multinational corporation sponsoring the dig. Santa's elves, however, will stop at nothing to free their fearless leader from captivity. What ensues is a wildly humorous nightmare - a fantastically bizarre polemic on modern-day morality. RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE is a re-imagining of the most classic of all childhood fantasies and is a darkly comic gem soon to be required perennial holiday viewing.
Check out the official website for more information. Far as I can tell there isn't a release date yet. But I'm adding them to the old facebook page and I'll follow this thing until it does.
Let the Holiday Season BEGIN!
Monday, November 22, 2010
So I was pressed for time this morning and I was unable to finish part 4 of Tuesdays Suck. So to pass the time in the Reality, here is a stupid little comic I came up with a few weeks ago. It's just...awful. And lovely. Enjoy!
Written and (very shittily) Illustrated by Mr. Gable.
(Click image to see a larger picture if you can't read it.)
Written and (very shittily) Illustrated by Mr. Gable.
(Click image to see a larger picture if you can't read it.)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Last Friday I had a post looking for some inspiration. I started this blog because I wanted to do some writing and share it all with you but instead I've been dragging my feet sharing many trailers for fantastically awful movies. That was actually a lot of fun, but this week I'm stepping back into the Roots of Reality and I'm going to write a story for you. The most Astoundingly Terrible story I have ever written! Here is Part 1. How many parts are there? I have no fucking clue. I seriously just started and finished this part within the last hour. Where it'll go from here is a mystery to even myself but we will soon see what happens. It should be interesting.
So here it is, written for you, by you. Thank you, Reality Readers, for your support and...for reading. I hope you enjoy it!
So here it is, written for you, by you. Thank you, Reality Readers, for your support and...for reading. I hope you enjoy it!
Part 1: Introductions
Tuesday. I fucking hate Tuesday. Most people either hate Mondays, Wednesdays, or Thursdays...but me, I hate Tuesday with a passion. I work at the Nakatomi Towers in L.A. on the 15th floor...in the call center. Ugh, how I loath my job. Its not just a call center, we also serve as an emergency back up for the police because for some reason there’s constant terrorism in this town and 911 never learns to hire on more people. So we get the calls. And for one reason or another, Tuesday is the worst. That day throws off the entire god damn week. Monday of all days is a blessing by comparison. Its usually slow and boring. But Tuesday! Tuesday is the day that I need to finish ALL of my “non-phone” work. The paperwork, weekly reports, all that bullshit the day managers peruse over everyday.
But it was last Tuesday that was the worst. We were swamped with calls, I was up to my neck with “non-phone” work, my manager was on my ass about shit that really doesn’t matter, and then the damnedest thing happened...
22 years ago there was a terrorist attack on this building and last Tuesday it happened again. Except this time...it wasn’t human.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Outside, the air was cold and frigid. Man once harnessed its power and profited from it. They called it a Frigidaire. A fitting name. Inside, Janey sat warmly at her desk. One of the hundreds of desks that were gridded out over the entire 15th floor. Fortunately for her, her desk was positioned near a window. Which for anyone familiar with a cubicle or an office knows that a desk with a window is as precious as your grandmother’s wedding ring. You’ll do anything to get it and you’ll kill anyone to protect it. The precious.
“911 dispatch, what is your emergency?” Janey leaned back in her cheap plastic computer chair. She had back issues and could probably request a new one, god knows this call center had some money, but she refused to do so in the fear of a giant red flag sticking out of her head saying “Watch this one, she’s needy.” She pushed these thoughts from her mind and used her feet to launch her rolling chair away from her corner desk all the while listening to some lady complain about her son’s broken leg. Her chair stopped outside the barrier of her cubicle wall, far enough to catch a glimpse of the winter wonderland that was Los Angeles. Although the weather reports made it abundantly clear that there was going to be NO SNOW today, it was coming down hard. Big fat snowflakes bombarded the city, covering it in thick white blankets inch by inch.
“Son of a bitch,” Janey muttered to herself.
“What did you just say!? My son needs serious medical attention here!” replied the voice on the other end of the phone line.
“Oh geez, lady. I’m sorry. I’m sending an ambulance out to you now. Just sit tight, they’ll be there within the hour.”
“WITHIN THE HOU-” Janey set down the receiver before that bitch on the other line could finish her thought. She’d had enough. Tuesdays suck.
Janey leaned back in her chair again. This time she did not launch herself into the open to witness the terror that is winter yet again but instead she placed her hands over her head, closed her eyes, and breathed in deeply. Her phone rang, the lights on the lines lit up like a Christmas tree. She didn’t care, she had decided that she was just going to sit like this until Tuesday was over.
Or until the building exploded.
TO BE CONTINUED IN...
Coming soon to an internet near you!
That is correct, this story...which is actually a 6 part story...was written for this blog as kind of an experiment in writing. And it turned out better than I could have imagined. And it happened that the above book was being compiled and there was a call for submissions so I submitted it...and it was accepted! So if you enjoyed this part, look forward to the rest of the story in this book!
Details to follow...
Friday, November 12, 2010
It's obvious at this point that I'm a bad movie nerd. Perhaps something more than that. But this past week as I was reflecting on the blog and how pleased I am with it, I was drawn to its roots. It's very reason for existing in the first place.
Part of me wants to be a writer. Like a novel type writer. So I started this blog to write short stories or anthologies or whatever and just put them out there on the internet. I figured if I had an audience then I could better discipline myself to actually get shit done. Well...I've done none of these things. Of all the things I have done though, I am very happy with. I love nerdin' out with everyone on horrible movies but next week I'm going to take a step back from that and kick in something different. I'm certain if there's something REALLY AMAZING...
Then obviously I'm going to blog about it. But next week I'm going to try an experiment in writing. I'm quite sure it's been done before but I've never done it so lets throw some shit against the wall and see what sticks. And this is where you come in.
I need 4 things from you: a HERO, a SETTING, a WEAPON, and a VILLIAN. The hero can be a badass, or someone out of their mind, or a total nerd that ends up with the girl. Setting...the future, the old west, dimension 221-G, kentucky, wherever! The weapon...something simple like an axe or something more elaborate like a laser chainsaw. And the bad guy...or guys....anything from a super villian, to aliens, to demons, to just some asshole that works at Wal-Mart, whatever. The choice is yours!
It's not that I don't have any creativity to create these things on my own but I'm writing this for you and I want to see what you have in mind, what my target audience would like to see. As of now, I'm going to let this fester over the weekend and then get started Sunday or Monday. I plan to have part 1 done on Tuesday, and part 2 on Friday. Part 1 will probably end openly and you can decide the fate of the hero. etc. etc. We'll see, I have no fucking clue what's going to happen.
So please post in the comments section and let me know what you think. What should I write about? We all know it's going to be awesomely bad, but that's the point of Mr. Gable's Reality is it not? Only the best of the bad reside here, now please help me...make it worse.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Check out this little gem I just came across yesterday. I know it looks kinda goofy but just wait until you see the trailer. This is gonna be AWESOME!
This movie was originally titled Bio-Slime but as of yesterday it was changed to "Contagion". Now, I know there's statistics and people whose sole purpose is to make sure a movie's title draws an audience...but I really liked Bio-Slime. Contagion reminds me of Day of the Dead 2. And nobody wants to remember that. Supposedly, Contagion is supposed to work out better internationally. I guess we'll find out.
Actual Japanese poster, taken from the director's official website. Works for me!
So what's Contagion about? Before I actually go find out, I'm gonna take a blind stab at it. Some people are working on a project...maybe in space...when suddenly things go awry and their project, "Bio-Slime" is released and it roams the area turning people into amazingly horrible creatures.
Here's what IMDb has to say,
"Trapped in a room with only one door and no windows. Their cell phones do not work and no one outside of the building can hear their calls for help. The group of seven people is under siege as the shape shifting creature tries to seep inside. They are picked off one by one until it is obvious that they cannot out wait this predator. A plan is hatched to retrieve the case that the creature came in to see if it holds any clue to control it or destroy it. When they finally do get the case the creature breaks through the room's barriers and they have to run a macabre gauntlet through the building to the outside world"Ah son of a bitch. This movie is gonna be more original than I thought. Wow. Way to go Bio-Sl....Contagion. Now I'm pretty excited about it, are you? I like movies that take place in small areas. I think its great that there are SEVEN possible mutants in this movie. That should make for great pacing and gore.
Alright, time to quit fucking around. Let's get to the trailer. Trust me, it looks really good.
Holy shit. That was better the second time...
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wait a minute...is that the same picture as Bloodrayne 2????
Holy shit, IT IS! Wow, that's some serious photoshop there. I would think it'd just be easier to take ANOTHER FUCKING PICTURE. Wow that a laziness that exceeds lazy and ventures into WORK.
I haven't even started this post yet and it's already a disaster.
But we all knew that right, it's another Uwe Boll movie! As hard as his movies may blow, I have a fond admiration for them. Because I can simultaneously drink furiously, have sex, cook a steak, and watch his movies without so much as losing my place within the story. Now those are some serious bad movie skills.
So here comes Bloodrayne 3. I saw the first one...and thought it was just horrible. Big budget horrible. That fucking movie had too much money. But at least I got to see the TX (Kristanna Loken) naked FOR NO REASON. I have not seen Bloodrayne 2 yet...but I do own it. So perhaps I'll wait until the third one comes out so I can watch both of them back to back. I'm looking forward to the gratuitous violence and nudity that happens for absolutely no reason other than to make the trailer look good.
Here's the trailer, see what I mean:
Wait a minute...Vampire Nazi's? With Clint Howard? Bloodrayne 3: You have my attention.
It's 1943 and the German army has spread its black tentacles across the European continent, mercilessly cutting a swath of destruction and carnage.
The Commandant's soldiers, led by his trusted Lieutenant (Steffen Mennekes), tighten their iron grip on a small eastern town and facilitate the movement of transport trains to the nearby death camps. Meanwhile, a psychotic Doctor (Clint Howard) performs grisly experiments on people in the camps - and has a strange affinity for cutting open vampires, when he can get his hands on one.
And where there are vampires, there's Rayne!
Now Rayne faces her greatest foe, a growing army of undead soldiers led by the Commandant. She and the Resistance must defeat the Commandant and his vampire troops before they manage to get back to Berlin, where they intend to make Hitler immortal.
Oh. My. God. That kinda sounds cool.
*NO MR. GABLE! Don't fall into the Uwe Boll trap*
Who the hell are you?
Ah, that's tits.
*Yes, well...don't believe the synopsis and trailer you have just seen*
Why, great conscience, why? There's fucking vampire nazis!!
*It's a trap. The Uwe Boll trap. Remember Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead?"
Yeah, they were pretty bad.
*If you don't learn from your past, you are doomed to repeat it*
Yeah, but its VAMPIRE NAZI'S!
*Fuck you, I'm outta here.*
I just never learn.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Manos: The Hands of Fate is by far the absolute WORST movie I have ever had to endure. And I don't say endure lightly. This movie is only for the hardcorest of the people that love bad movies. If you need to prove to yourself that you have what it takes to love cinema for everything it is, or perhaps you just want to appreciate good movies a little more, then sit down to Manos: The Hands of Fate my friend, the ultimate test of endurance.
And I watched the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version.
We sat down to watch Manos last weekend, knowing full well that we were in for a shitstorm. Not just any shitstorm but a colossal shitstorm. And we were very excited about it. You see, when I look at a movie and it has a ridiculous title like, Manos: The Hands of Fate (roughly translated "Hands: The Hands of Fate) and it was featured on Mystery Science Theatre 3000 then I just have to see it. And fate had it upon me to insert this movie into my life, purely by chance. I had won an internet contest for a 50 pack of movies and low and behold THIS was on it.
Life is awesome.
So a couple of us got together and watched it. We made it 10 minutes before our eyes began to bleed. It was just so, so terrifyingly horrible. There was just 10 minutes of people driving around. I'm serious, there's landscapes and other cars driving around and that's it. It isn't until 10 minutes later that we finally get to our destination.
Not even shitting you. Their car breaks down and its up to that guy to take care of them. His name: Torgo. The single greatest bad movie character of all time. I know I say things like that a lot but that's only because I've never seen Manos before. Torgo is the alpha and the omega of shitty characters. You want to laugh at him but you just want to cry everytime he's on screen. Let me show you what I mean:
Holy Insanity. If only I had theme music everytime I tried to walk. That's pretty much the first thing we see after the intense 10 minutes of scenery. At first I was like, holy fucking shit, this is awesome. But then it draaaaaaags and repeats itself for the next hour or so. Eventually we do catch up to the master. And it was worth it to see this:
Oh god, my fucking skull is pulsating just WRITING this review. I'm positive that I'll kill some of you out there that try to read it. Please I'm begging you, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Even the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version apologized for it. They stopped right in the middle of the movie and laid out a lengthy and heartfelt apology to their fans for making this awful movie apart of their lives.
The story, or lack thereof, is basically this family is cruising the country side and they breakdown in front of Torgo. So he lets them stay the night and there is several awkward silences. Most notably this one:
And as the family is settling in for the night, their child wanders off so they spend the next half hour looking for her. And it's then that the master wakes up and is pissed. So he calls upon his god Manos and his 6 slave wives to wrestle each other. It sounds better than it is. SPOILER...as if it matters. Then Torgo is killed, the child and wife become another of his wife slaves (perhaps the wife died, I don't remember because I was too busy clawing my eyes out with rusty forks), and the husband becomes the new Torgo. END. Thank god.
This movie is beyond any one person's perception of reality. It makes sense but it doesn't at the same time. You want to hold parties so you can burn copies of this but at the same time WATCH the movie at that party. You want to forget it but then you want to review it and enjoy clips of it on YouTube. It's just something so exponentially awful that it somehow is absolutely beautiful.
And I'll try to explain why.
The beauty of this movie comes not from the director, the producer, the actors, the sets, the locations, Torgo, the awkward silences, the story, the ending, the fact it was on MST3K, or anything else that is actually in the movie...it's ALL in how it was made.
- This film was shot entirely on a camera that could ONLY record 32 seconds of film at a time. AND it didn't record sound. Which is the purpose for the shitty over dubbing you saw previously.
- And that shitty overdubbing...was only done by 3 people. They didn't even bother to get the cast together to shoot their own voices, there was just a couple guys and a girl that did the whole damn thing.
- There's random scenes with this couple making out. It happens 3 times and there's no reason for it. It's like that scene was Manos' backup plan for transitions. But the real reason for it was because the girl in those scenes broke her leg and was unable to play her original role...so they made her make out frequently.
- There was constant lighting issues. The most notable being any outdoor night scenes. It hilarious to watch them outside because the lights they used attracted moths and in damn near every scene outside you see moths flying around in frame. It's fucking hilarious.
- And there was also a lighting issue with the policeman scene, which is why they walked to the front of their car to investigate some noise and then decided to turn back and drive away.
- The guy that played Torgo wore prosthetics that made him walk weird. He was supposed to be a satyr of a goat or something. This actually caused permanent damage to his knees. And according to IMDb...he was on pain killers until he commited suicide. Wow...this movie really does kill people. Sorry Torgo, your legacy will live on, I promise!
- The movie was planned out in its entirety on a bar napkin because the director made a bet with some guy that he could make a popular horror film on a minimal budget. He failed miserably. Until 40 years later...where it oddly enough is kind of successful.
- As of today...it is NUMBER TWO on IMDb's top 100 WORST MOVIES OF ALL TIME.
- The director did TWO TAKES for each shot. No more, no less. I'm so glad he did.
- And that ridiculously long driving scene at the beginning...was supposed to have the beginning credits scroll over them but somehow it never happened or they probably just forgot.
Friday, November 5, 2010
I kinda gave up on posting SyFy's 31 Days of Halloween. Sorry everybody, besides Felicia Day's new movie there really wasn't anything exciting anyway. Tomorrow, however, looks to be kinda decent. I'd watch...if I weren't already planning a full day marathon of bad movies.
Seriously...I'm fucking putting myself through Manos: The Hands of Fate on Saturday. The NUMBER TWO worst movie according to IMDb as of today. It's gonna be just brutally awesome. I can't wait!
This day appears to be outdoor terror day.
All times EST.
9-11am: Locusts (HOLY SHIT, Xena is in this)
11-1pm: Flu Bird Horror (It was probably pretty scary 4 years ago)
1-3pm: Splinter (fucking AWESOME, watch this movie. Actually rent it so you can watch all the GORE!)
3-5pm: The Graves (Might be good)
5-7pm: Children of the Corn (AGAIN SYFY? WTF??)
7-9pm: The Reaping (meh.)
9-11pm: Messengers 2: The Scarecrow (I'd watch it. for free.)
11-1pm: Hallowed Ground (Another Scarecrow movie)
1-2am: The Blair Witch Project (How the hell do they fit a 80 minute movie in a 60 minute time slot?)
2-4am: Dagon (Stuart Gordon baby)
4-6am: The Graves (Again...)
I had posted about this awhile back and I'll be damned if the Executive Producer, Daniel Ross, didn't read it. Because just a couple days ago he emailed me with an updated trailer! That's fucking awesome! Mr. Gable's Reality is spreading like a virus, first Ninjas vs Vampires, next THE WORLD!
Looks to be a lot of fun. The little bit of humor they did show in the trailer didn't seem too overdone so hopefully the rest of the movie is like that. I'll be watching it, that's for sure.
Zombies vs Vampires just got done with their world premiere over Halloween and I can only assume DVD is right around the corner. I'm gonna rent the shit out of it.
I still need to see the original, (yes NvsV is a sequel) Ninjas vs Zombies. I had it from Netflix for awhile but I had to return it for some Halloween movies but its back in the queue and ready for rentin'.
Have a good weekend everybody!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Upon taking her vows to become a nun, Sister Sarah is abused, brainwashed and drugged into submission by the corrupt clergy. On the verge of death from a lethal dose of drugs, Sister Sarah receives a message from GOD telling her to take vengeance on all those who did her wrong. Armed with God's will and an arsenal of big guns, she dispenses Judgment Day on her former tormentors. When the church hires the merciless motorcycle gang the "Los Muertos" to track down and kill her they soon realize that this
SISTER IS ONE BAD MOTHER
(Oh my god, I just shit my pants. This is gonna be AWESOME!!!!)
(oh my god, I just creamed my pants, this is gonna be AWESOME!!!!)
Just when I thought the 80's was trying to make a comeback, the 70's just kicked its ass off to the side and moved to the head of the line. Dammit I love movies.
So along comes Nude Nuns With Big Guns. (with a 9.5 rating already on IMDb! hilarious.) I wish I would have known about it before yesterday because there was a FREE SCREENING in LA. Not that I live anywhere near there but it's possible some of you do.
I just did a little (and I mean a few seconds worth) of research on this thing and it looks to be just in the theatre stage. Yesterday was the big premiere and from there I do not know. I'm sure DVD is just on the horizon...unless they decide to do a quick tour. I just added them on facebook so I'll be able to follow this thing all the way to my DVD player. I HAVE to see this movie.
Check out the official website for more information. There's some Production Photos and Movie Stills and more information on the cast and crew.
The only thing that doesn't feel right about this movie is that I only see ONE Nun there. I thought there was going to be NunS, plural. Maybe it happens at the climax. Both for the movie and myself.
(Hey Guts and Grog! You can add this one to your Naked Massacre Night Part 2!)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
So I had a choice this morning...blog or morning sex. I chose morning sex...to which not only did I get it...I also inadvertently invented a new move...the inverted piston. It was AWESOME! So anyway, this post is going to be really horrible but I just wanted to get it out there because The Dark Lurking looks so awesome!!
Go to the official website to see the synopsis, amazing trailer, production stills, and even some monsters getting down with Thriller. can't wait!!
No idea on a DVD release date, it's on Netflix...but just as a "save" movie. Hopefully it comes out soon, looks amazingly badass.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The news on this has been out for a little while but I was swamped in October so I'm posting it now. Birdemic, that intensely magnificent bad movie that came out last year...is getting a sequel. If you have never heard of this movie...then allow me to introduce you to its greatness...
Oh my god, are you laughing? I'm fucking laughing. That was AWESOME!
I have not actually seen the movie yet, (partly because its not FOR SALE ANYWHERE!!!) just heard about it on the net and have seen a few scenes like that one on YouTube. But its because of its horrible superimposed .gif images that have elevated this movie to cult status. Every decade seems to have its own "that movie is so god awful terrible that I love the shit out of it" movie. Manos: The Hands of Fate, Yor: The Hunter From The Future, Troll 2, and now Birdemic.
So now, according to the official website, we will be seeing a sequel. Birdemic 2: The Resurrection. It even includes the most amazing synopsis ever written:
Wow. This is going to be the greatest sequel ever made. AND IT'S GONNA BE IN 3D!! Those .gif vultures are going to blow MY MIND when this thing hits theatres...I mean my living room.A platoon of eagles and vultures attack Hollywood, California.Why did the eagles and vultures attack? Who will survive?
Fortunately, I have a friend. And my friend, CG, has a copy of Birdemic and it is our plan to watch it very soon. You have no clue how excited I am. Expect a review in the near future.
Monday, November 1, 2010
If you are familiar with Dread Central then you probably already know about this. The Bad Cookie is a short film that they were hyping up over the past few weeks. Basically, a killer Halloween cookie. How could you go wrong? Well my friends, you can. First off...
This is all I see when I look at that cookie.
Second...for a seven minute video it takes SIX minutes to get anywhere. I know this is pretty standard practice for horror movies...waiting until the last 10th of the movie to do anything awesome but COME ON! Well, let me show you what I mean...
The Bad Cookie - Short Film
Uploaded by dreadcentral. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.
Eh, that was alright, right? Did anyone else shit their pants with joy? Like, is the front of your pants sticky right now cuz of how awesome that was? If you're like me then no, it's not. So I will redeem this masterpiece of crap.
I was going to cut out the Charles Band for awhile because...you know...I force fed it into all of you, but you know what, fuck it. This needs to happen.
Let me show you how a really bad cookie does things:
AH Hahahaha that's fucking awesome! That's how you do it! Fuck em and stab em!
Oh man, I love blogging.