Friday, January 7, 2011

Movie Pitch: Mangina vs Cockasaurus


Promotional Poster Art.

OOOOHHHH YYEAHH! DOESN’T THAT TITLE MAKE YOU WANNA FUCK SOMETHING!

I know I do.

I will begin by letting you all know that this movie pitch is per request of Vincent and his lovely wife Stacia. They threw this title in my face and it blew my mind (among other things). Absolute genius.

That said…let's make movie history baby!

I love the title Mangina vs Cockasaurus for two reasons. One: It’s something awesome and epic. Therefore this movie has to be BIG! (ALL puns intended) and Two: The title is a play on words of Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus…which is made by the Asylum…which rips off big budget movies. (Alien vs Predator/Alien vs Hunter, etc.) We are conceivably ripping off a studio that rips off other movies on purpose. A poetic slap in the face…I fucking love it!

We open in the dressing room of a stripclub. (you know…titties always grab the attention of male viewers...and lesbians). We get some great shots of the dancers and then we cutscene into the back dressing room. It’s eerily silent…no girls in sight. EXCEPT…one topless girl is thrown into the mirror, breaking it. She seems scared…but she’s a freak so she probably likes this sort of treatment. Well we pan around her and see her attacker…a muscular man in his mid 20’s shrouded in leather. He approaches her and she cowers in fear. The camera pans down and the man zips open his pants and…and...a smile sweeps over the woman’s face.

This man is Cockasaurus.

Rather that is his porno nickname. The camera pans out as the opening credits to Mangina vs Cockasaurus scroll across the screen. It is at this point that we get to meet our main character...Melvin. Why Melvin? Because I think that’s the name from the loser guy in Toxic Avenger and since that tactic worked for SNDN Part 6 then that very same tactic will work here.

Regardless…this guy is a loser. He lives with his mom…and he watches pornos starring Cockosaurus in the basement while his fat ass mom is upstairs watching soap operas and eating cheetos.

He wishes for a better life. A cooler life. And to escape this prison of reality he has created an alternate universe…he writes comic books. In his comics…the main character resembles himself…he is a super hero: super strong…super smart…super suave with the ladies…and he can fly. He has haphazardly called this superhero…Mangina. A play on words from all those punks in high school that called him a Mangina. (That’ll show ‘em)

SIDEBAR: You know what I really like about the Toxic Avenger? And more specifically Melvin? How he becomes the Toxic Avenger. Getting thrown into toxic sewage that turns him all gross and shit. Well we’re gonna take that route with this movie…

Melvin is tooling down the street when a bunch of punks pull him into an alleyway. Turns out they are a group of kids from his old high school. He begs for mercy but they beat the shit out of him anyway. But oops! They accidently killed him. Or at least they think that they killed him, so they dump him in a sewer…where his body is swept away too…a pond behind a nuclear power plant. DUN DUN DUUNNN!!! It is here where WILD plants grow…maneating plants. And it is here where Mangina is born.

Melvin awakes to discover he has superpowers and is fucking hideous looking. But that doesn’t matter cuz he’s fucking buff and can fly. Fuck it, its worth it to him…for the time being. And as he awakes…a worker from the plant shows up and is attacked by the plants. Melvin saves the day! He shreds those plants to fucking pieces…like they bleed and scream (oh sick, screaming plants) while they’re being torn apart…and the plant worker is saved. As Melvin leaves the scene the worker shouts out to him…“What’s your name!?” To which he replies…

“Mangina!”

And the worker looks around confused.

Now that Melvin is Mangina…time for some payback…DEATH WISH STYLE. Vigilante justice is the best justice. So Mangina finds a weapon…I’m thinking some kind of metal club. And he uses super strength to ram railroad spikes into it. Now he kinda looks like a freakish Yeti storming around the ghetto. Well he spends the next 30-40 minutes of the movie giving bad guys their comeuppance all while Cockasaurus is banging chicks.

Turns out…Cockasaurus wants more too. He hates that he’s so pretty and has a huge wang. He wants to be something more. Something...epic. And while he’s at home watching the news he sees a story about a worker that was saved by a mutant…and then he sees another story about this vigilante that is doing all the cops’ work for them. One of the cops on the TV says, “Oh we’re so grateful, those scumbags keep outrunning our fat asses.”

Well ol’ Cockasaurus puts two and two together and figures that this vigilante must have come from the Nuclear Power plant and gained gnarly powers from the toxic sewage. So he goes there too. And he gets there and jumps in the pool of nuclear waste. And he too grows and disforms…only except not his entire body…just his FUCKING DICK.

The thing swells and grows a face and mutates and grows arms, legs, and it FUCKING TALKS. And then while Cockasaurus is looking absolutely stunned…the giant mutant dick breaks off and kills him. And as the dead porn star lays on the ground…dying…the giant mutant dick stands over him and says, “Poser. Don’t you know that I’M the real Cockasaurus.”

And thus…the REAL Cockasaurus is born!

Time for the final battle. Cockasaurus knows all about Mangina and his powers. He hates him, is jealous of him, and wants him dead. He knows this because…we all know men’s brains are in their dicks. So Cockasaurus is amazingly smart.

The dick goes around the streets of the ghetto rapin bitches left and right. A tactic he hopes will draw out the fabled Mangina. Mangina eventually does learn of this (probably from a pack of wild bums) and here cums the final showdown in the old car salvage yard.

Mangina vs Cockasaurus

Round 1: FIGHT!

The beginning of the fight consists of punches and kicks. There are some use of weapons…like tires and car doors and bumpers…that sort of thing. It gets really ridiculous and any other normal human being would have died from the get go. But these are “super heroes” so its ok. Very little talking.

Round 2: FIGHT!

Mangina escapes the clutches of the evil Cockasaurus and flies into the air. He lands a couple of really cool blows to Cockasaurus' mushroom head until…Mangina is flying away and Cockasaurus launches of huge glob of sticky white goo from the top of his head that catches Mangina in midair causing him to crash and be stuck to the ground. Cockasaurus triumphantly marches towards Mangina saying something like, “Your end is near.”

Round 3: FINISH HIM!

Mangina is hopeless. But then he remembers something…something he created from his comic. The woman. He’s supposed to defeat the bad guy and get the woman. That’s how these things are supposed to end right? RIGHT!?

Strength swells within him and it builds until he explodes out of the sticky white cocoon. He goes head to head (hahahaha) with Cockasaurus and pummels him into the ground. He glances over his shoulder and spots a Trash compactor. He grabs Cockasaurus by the ball sack and heaves him into it.

The last thing we see of Cockasaurus is his mangled corpse stiffening up as its being chomped into the compactor…and finally goes limp as it dies.

Mangina has won! He throws his fists into the air Rocky-style and runs around the salvage yard shouting, “I won! Now where’s my woman!?” and he looks around noticing NO WOMEN anywhere even remotely close to him. "I'm supposed to get a WOMAN!"

Fade to black.

Mangina, "Holy shit, I'm ugly. And in a salvage yard. Next time I'm fighting in a Jello pit."

7 comments:

  1. This review was so thorough I feel like I just watched it. And it was damn good. With a title like that, there's no way it couldn't be.

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  2. I think production should have started yesterday .. lol

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  3. You should contact Troma with the treatment. I bet Lloyd Kaufman would love it.

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  4. HOLY SHIT DTVC, you're right! I think I may have accidently outlined The Toxic Avenger 5! Kaufman will LOVE IT!

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  5. He hates that he’s so pretty and has a huge wang.

    That is totally relatable to everyone watching the film. I know *I* get upset about being pretty and hung like a damn horse all the time.

    he watches pornos starring Cockosaurus in the basement while his fat ass mom is upstairs watching soap operas and eating cheetos.

    I got dibs on playing the mom.

    This was absolutely epic. Love every second of it, my friend.

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  6. Man! I just got over the stomach flu and now I have a busted gut, you bastard!

    Good lord, man. You put serious THOUGHT into this! I am in awe of your powers. Big win, dude. BIG WIN!

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  7. Thanks guys!

    And Vincent...I do try to put a lot of MYSELF into my posts. heh heh heh.

    Stacia...we'll have to get together sometime and compare.

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