Thursday, March 31, 2011

I tear the asterisk a new a*shole.

To further prove my point of how f*cking stupid the asterisks looks, this article has been censored.

This has been building for awhile. And its coming out now because I just read an article…on a HORROR WEBSITE where they censored the word A*S. Holy F*CK! Really? A*S is censorworthy? F*ck you.

All the time I’m on facebook and I see people put the f*cking asterisks in the middle of curse words. “F*ck me! I locked my dumb c*nt a*s out of my f*cking car again!” Oh really…asterisks. I have no f*cking clue what that sentence is. No way could F*CK possibly be anything other than F*CK.

Does the letter “U” offend anyone? Anyone out there, are you U-ist? Have you built up death cults in order to commit mass genocide against the letter U? “Oh F*ck. I’m so glad that “U” isn’t in there. Sh*t, it makes it so much more socially acceptable. It’s censored, so it’s ok. F*ck, we better add the letter “I” into your cult too…sh*t.”

Are people afraid that someone they know is going to catch them cursing on the internet? THE F*CKING INTERNET!? The internet is 3 things. Porn, Cats, and Curse words. Nothing else. Stop littering my internet with your asterisks. Your parents aren’t f*cking so stupid that putting an asterisk in there will fool them. They did have to f*ck to make you. Probably on dr*gs.

I can understand wanted to clean up your language. People have a reputation to uphold. I get it. They have standards (and kids) and really just want to present themselves in the best possible way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But using and asterisks in the words, F*ck, Sh*t, A*s, P*ss, B*tch, C*nt, G*y, R*pe, and Sl*t is not the way to go about it. Just say things like…oh darn or shoot! Twiddley dee…I’ve punctured my jugular. That will require medical attention. See, perfectly fine. No need to use the asterisks.

And further more. It requires 50% more EFFORT to type the asterisks. You have to f*cking reach over there and hit that shift key and then f*cking reach up there and hit the number 8 so that asterisks shows up and then you have to remember where the f*ck you are in the word to finish typing it. Really? You’ve wasted nearly 4 times as long just trying to censor your curse word rather than just saying something cleaner. I guess you could just reach over to the number keys and hit the “multiply” key, that’s only typing one f*cking key but then you’re moving your right hand off the home row and spending more time j*rking off your keyboard rather than just f*cking typing the curse.

So in short: Quit it. It’s stupid. You’re not fooling anyone. Everybody cruising the internet knows how to read. Even the porn sites have “words”. People got to know what they’re getting into before they click on it. (Very bad sh*t happens when you don’t) It doesn’t look good, you look like a stupid f*ck, and you’re not fooling anyone. We know what it is. You know what it is. Why use the asterisk? WHY? Society? Does it make you feel better? Well is shouldn’t.

Dumb*ss.

Infestation is awesome.


This movie is a couple years old but I just got around to watching it. I don't really ever see anyone talk about it so I wanted to just slip in and say a couple things. I don't really feel like doing a full on review because its kind of hard with a movie like this. Everything about it is so simple and mindless that...that's all it is. But it's so good at it that you love it.

Basically this guy starts out his day at the office and within 5 minutes he is inexplicably knocked out. And when he awakes the world has been taken over by giant bugs. Where they come from and why they're there is a complete mystery and is never revealed. But it doesn't fucking matter. It's a movie about giant awesome bugs. Lots of fun. Lots of ooey gooey goodness. And jokes.


The trailer does this movie quite a bit of justice. The pacing isn't quite as fast as it makes it out to be but there is never a dull moment. Rent it from Netflix or just buy it. It's awesome. And I'm a fan of Chris Marquette. I've loved everything I've seen him in. I love his comedy and he definitely brings his A game to the screen once again. Don't try to figure it out, just enjoy it.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Watercooler presents: The Worst Movie Scenes of All Time!

If you can't decide on what kind of bad movie you're in the mood for, flip through a few of these. Already I want to own all of them.






Check out Watercooler's YouTube channel for more shitty movie scenes among OTHER great videos.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Hell Driver: Yep, I'm seeing this.


Fast Five can go fuck itself. I'm watching this...


In 43 seconds you see an asian hitler, copious amounts of blood and gore, zombies, swords, cursing (captioned), a fucking sweet decapitation by pick up truck, some kind of Evil Dead chick with a chainsaw hand, some really awesomely bad green screen fight scenes, some kind of vehicle made out of human body parts, and the promise of more gore coming soon.

I NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!

This movie is done by Yoshihiro Nishimura...the mastermind behind Mutant Girls Squad And Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl. Currently this film is in development...far as I can tell its still filming. So look for this to hit DVD hopefully by year end. That trailer just violated me in so many wonderful ways. I love it.

UPDATE: I just noticed Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl is on Netflix Instant Watch. YES!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Alien vs Ninja is on NETFLIX INSTANT!


Remember this bad movie I blogged about a few weeks ago?



It's on Netflix Instant. This is a win for everybody.

Hobo with a Shotgun: COMING FRIDAY!!!


Whatever plans you have this friday...drop 'em. I have something else you need to do...
     

YES! This is coming to ON DEMAND THIS FRIDAY! April 1st, April AWESOME DAY, Hobo With a Shotgun is coming to On Demand. (unless this is some kind of massive prank). According to the official website, Hobo With A Shotgun will be available On Demand. And I once talked to Hobo on Facebook and they told me that it would be available through Amazon and a few other On Demand services...so check around. AND FIND IT. We all need to see this.

It will also be doing a little theatrical run in the states. The website has these cities listed:

5/6/2011
Austin, TX: Alamo Ritz

5/20/2011
West Los Angeles, CA: Nuart Theatre
Denver, CO: Denver Film Center/Colfax
Portland, OR: Hollywood Theatre
Philadelphia, PA: Ritz at the Bourse

5/27/2011
Berkeley, CA: Shattuck Cinemas 10
San Francisco, CA: Lumiere Theatre 3

6/10/2011
Tucson, AZ: The Loft Cinema
Asheville, NC: Carolina Asheville 14

6/17/2011
Mobile, AL: Crescent Theatre

6/24/2011
Salem, MA: Cinema Salem 3

I have no idea if there will be more announced in the future or if this is it. Keep it here for future developments. But in the meantime...watch it On Demand. Review the shit out of it...rub it in my face how awesome it is because I don't have On Demand (FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!) and if it happens to hit a theatre near you...go see it there. Support the shit out of this movie. It needs it....because I want more just like it.

I love you Rutger Hauer. Why are you so AWESOME?

Friday, March 25, 2011

Bad Movie Battle Royale CONTEST WINNER!


First I would like to say a big thank you to everyone that participated in the contest. It was fun setting up the characters and watching them duke it out in the squared circle. But now its time for business. Your WINNER of the 2011 Bad Movie Battle Royale BETTING CONTEST IS:


Out of the dozen or so people that voted, only a couple placed their bets on TerrorVision. One was my fiance...and she wanted her winnings delivered to her in inches (OH SNAP) so Vincent is your Bad Movie Battle Royale Bad Movie Giveaway Mega-Amazing FUCK YEAH! Contest Winner!

What did he win?


THE SPECIAL EDITION OF CARNOSAUR ON DVD! And do you know what makes this edition so special? Is it the inkjet printed coverart? Is it the "Play Movie" option on the INTERACTIVE menus? Perhaps your ability to choose a scene? Or maybe, just maybe, the option to see the credits from the DVD menu. Abridged. No, it's the fact that Carnosaur is on DVD motherfucker. That's your special edition! But I am really jealous because this is presented in 16:9 widescreen and all I have is my crappy VHS tape. Soon I will own the Carnosaur Special Edition...very soon. Fuck you Jurassic Park, Carnosaur rules.

So Vincent, email me at mrgablesreality@hotmail.com and send me your address so I can mail this (among other things) to you immediately! You must watch CARNOSAUR!


And when you're done with Carnosaur, track down Carnosaur 2 and Carnosaur 3: Primal Species. Trust me....these things keep getting better!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Round 4 (FINAL)


Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see our final 2 fighters battling it out for supreme victory as Bad Movie Battle Royale 2011 CHAMPION! It's been a hell of a battle. We've seen disappointments and dominations. Now we see the top two fighters in the IRON ARENA. Panman, the no holds barred fighter from the west coast who murders people with Pans in hilarious ways. And TerrorVision, the giant trash monster from parts unknown that enjoys eating people in hilarious ways. These two fighters really had what it takes to get this far. Let's see which one is the REAL champion.

FINAL MATCH


They're heading down to the ring now. TerrorVision's music resonates over the speakers:

I listen to this song on a regular basis. How badass is that?

Any man that carries a scale to the ring means business.

TerrorVision started out as the fan favorite among many people but it kinda looks like the crowd may be turning on him. He's really been beating the shit out of people in the last couple matches. The crowd seems really divided by his actions.

Then again, Panman has an injury and when it comes to situations such as these...people like to root for the underdog. And speaking of...here comes PANMAN!

CRANK THAT SHIT! LET EVERYONE KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

EVERYONE'S ON THEIR FEET! THE PLACE HAS GONE INSANE! PEOPLE ARE DYING FROM THAT BAZOOKA! THE ROOF HAS LITERALLY BEEN BLOWN OFF THIS PLACE! GOD BLESS YOU PANMAN!

For truth, justice, and the American way!

DING DING DING!


They're sizing each other up. Neither one is particularly interested in being the first to attack. Panman has a slight stagger in his step from that match yesterday but he otherwise looks fine. They circle each other, mentally wrestling each other.


TV advances. Shoulder breaker. Oh thank god, he's not going for that leg. Panman is up on his feet, OH SHIT! HE IS PISSED! He just threw TV out of the ring. He's taking this outside! He's climbing the ropes, he wouldn't dare....HE DOES! HE FLIES OFF THE TOP ROPE TO THE OUTSIDE.....AND MISSES! TV rolls out of the way. Panman is staggering, clutching his chest. TV is damned lucky he got out of the way, that would have been DEVASTATING.


TV picks up Panman. Back in the ring...TV drags him up...grapple...SIDE SUPLEX! This guy just never ends with the side suplexes. I don't think Panman is doing so well. He's holding onto those ribs like something is broken. TV picks up Panman and whips him into the corner. BIG HEADBUTT! PANMAN IS BLEEDING! OH DEAR GOD PANMAN IS BLEEDING! AND HE'S DOWN!


TV goes to the top rope. It looks like he's about to finish this. TV JUMPS....aaannnnddd.....MISSES! PANMAN MOVED! HOW DID HE DO THAT!? Panman is on his feet, it looks like he's gaining back some momentum. TV is up, he looks confused and shocked. Panman comes at him with the punches, left right left right. TV is backed in the corner. Panman retreats and charges the corner....AND MISSES! TV DODGES! OH DEAR GOD! He just rammed those damaged ribs into the steel corner. THIS IS INSANE!


TV gets the grapple, TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER! HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!? He has his special. He's got Panman on his feet...Panman is staggering...struggling to stand...TerrorVision...HITS HIM WITH THE TRASH COMPACTOR! THAT HAS TO BE IT! TV rolls him up for the pin...1....2....3!!!



IT'S ALL OVER! TERRORVISION WINS! TERRORVISION WINS! TERRORVISION IS YOUR 2011 BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE CHAMPION!


Panman, if you're reading this. Please don't kill me.


That is all she wrote. TerrorVision, after one domination and several big upsets, is your 2011 Bad Movie Battle Royale Champion! It was a long journey for TerrorVision...and Panman for that matter. I was happy to see someone who had the long road take the win. Let's have a round of applause for your winner: TerrorVision.


And who knew? I certainly liked the movie, I thought it had a lot of power but I didn't think it had THAT much power. I was certain Orca was going all the way. Or Birdemic. But I knew Panman could do it. I was hoping for an Orca/Panman showdown. But TerrorVision vs Panman was equally as exciting. Obviously I stuck the injury in there for entertainment purposes...that doesn't happen in this game. But who cares? It was fun.

And speaking of fun...I would like to thank everyone who took part in the Battle Royale. What started out as a cool reason to watch movies turned out to be WAY more fun than I thought it would be. I loved creating the characters, creating their profiles. I loved reviewing the movies. And the Royale was a BLAST. Sitting here and watching the computer battle it out was actually like being at a pay per view or some shit. I loved it. And I will definitely have to do this again. Maybe even before year end? BMBR 2011 Part 2 anyone?


And I'd like to remind everyone to head on over to the Loser Bracket post and let your voice be heard if you want more of this Battle Royale. If 10 people want more, I'll give you more. If you're guy lost, this is your chance at redemption.


And another contest.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Alcohol Paul reviews: Panman (2011)


I’ve been procrastinating because I wanted to figure out a way to praise “Panman” without sounding like the typical raving fanboy. You see, it’s that good, but if I just say “Panman” is awesome, the kills are done with style, and the jokes are even sharper than a set of Ginsu knives it does nothing to describe just how impressed I am with this movie. During this review I will do my best to explain why “Panman” is the best horror comedy I’ve seen since the original “Scream” and make the case that it deserves a solid distributor.

The only way I can think of to make the case I want to make for “Panman” is to compare apples to apples. Since “Panman” is made to appeal to the same part of me that blindly bought “Black Devil Doll” on the basis of an ad which promised that I would find it offensive, I will compare it favorably to that mini-masterpiece. I also bought a flick called “Thankskilling” based a one sentence synopsis. Distributors, take note of my spending habits, because I’m literally one of your best customers. When they make ads for movies like “Panman,” they are making money directly off people like me.

The first point I want to hit is that “Panman” was able to hook me with its kooky (or is that cooky?) title right out of the gate. I’d have never read the “Thankskilling” synopsis if it hadn’t been for the great title. While “Panman” doesn’t have the same holiday exploitation hook in its title, it does have an element of absurdity to grab horror junkies and make them want to know more. And here’s where the hooks really sink in, because Panman has a visual hook to rival an evil black militant puppet: it’s a goddamn 80s slasher villain with a cooking pot hiding his identity.

Right about now is where I’d simply buy or preorder the disc. Guy with a pan on his head? SOLD.

Distributors, if you can sell me (and I’m sure others) on “Black Devil Doll” and “Thankskilling” so easily, you can sell “Panman” just as easily. Imagine the response to an ad in Fangoria, or an online photo contest for best “Panman” lookalike. Fellow bloggers/reviewers, we need to get the word out on this flick

It's too late. I am already the winner.

I should note right here that obviously I’m looking for the so bad they’re good type of movies, and while “Panman” can be sold as the next “Troll 2,” I’m not saying that it quite fits that category. “Panman” has the advantage of being genuinely good and intelligently crafted from the script through the shooting to the final product.

I realize that my opinion of good movies is suspect because I’ve spent the majority of this review comparing one obscure movie to other obscure titles, so I’m going to explain exactly how “Panman” surpasses the competition (or cooks their gooses).

First of all, the writing is far smarter than average. In the very first scene we get a satire of super heroes, standard slasher movie tropes, and a cutaway to a romantic montage followed immediately by a great kill. While elements of satire pop up in both “Black Devil Doll” and “Thankskilling,” one is content to lazily offer black stereotypes that are so patently offensive that its point is, “stereotypes are bad, mmm’kay?” The other just simply wants to be a bad horror movie and its tone frequently winks at the audience with deliberately hokey and stupid scenes. Not that there’s anything wrong with either one or their style. I like those movies immensely. “Panman” is smarter because it plays its gags straight instead of with an elbow to the ribs and without relying on simple shock value for cheap laughs. Oh, there are cheap laughs to be had in “Panman” just like “The Naked Gun,” but it works harder for them. For an example of how well thought out “Panman” is, allow me to compare the romantic montage from the beginning of “Panman” against a similar scene in “Black Devil Doll.”

In “Black Devil Doll” the montage is there mainly because, “LOL! He’s a puppet! And white chicks dig black studs (stereotypes are bad, mmm’kay? Oh, and look at those titties).” That’s all well and good, but “Panman” uses the montage first as an abrupt interrupt to what looked like a standard stalk and kill scene (which had then turned into a bizarre super hero riff), then shows us an imagined relationship going sour as the reason Panman ultimately opts to kill a girl. I realize that the description of the two might not make one sound necessarily funnier than the other (although “Panman” is), but the point is that one is smarter than the other. Simply put, the care that went into the project shows in the amount of effort that went into the writing.

In the execution of the movie itself, “Panman” bests the competition again because there’s simply a sounder grasp on the fundamentals of technical aspects of filming. The director/cinematographer Tim Pilleri can shoot with style that is lacking from most low budget movies. Imagine if Dario Argento were forced to use only conventional coverage and digital cameras, but could still light everything like its “Suspiria.” Gels for lighting are so cheap, but most low budgeters don’t think to use ‘em.

In terms of pacing, the movie stacks up far better than the other two microbugeters I’ve been talking about. “Black Devil Doll” is simply a bore as gags and nudity are often allowed to pad out the running time instead of, you know, telling a story, and “Thankskilling’s” first 25 minutes were pretty tedious. “Panman” moves along at a great clip. It starts off as a simple slasher parody, veers into a romantic comedy parody, and finally turns into what I can only describe as a berserk tale of madness and passion. Not everything works. There is a scene set in a backyard (free locations are about the only locations you can shoot in these type of productions) in which there’s too much talking and too little doing as Panman’s origins are discussed and a band of hunters are introduced. From a writing standpoint this was also the script’s weakest moment because too many characters are being introduced (including a twin sister angle). The old adage of “show, don’t tell” should’ve been in effect here. Giving the introduction of the hunters a separate scene might’ve helped keep the pacing from sagging, but even in his weakest scene Pilleri does try to break things up with a flashback to the exact moment that Panman’s vengeful spirit is created.

The acting in “Panman” helps elevate all the dialogue driven scenes which is where most movies with casts of semi-professionals fail (and I say semi-professional only because I’m too lazy to look up details on the entire cast). Contrast this with “Black Devil Doll” which used surgically enhanced bimbos who were probably cast for their willingness to do nudity cheap. While I certainly liked the nudity in “Black Devil Doll” and the lingering on it which allowed me to spot the surgical scars under the enormous fun bags, the fact is that if I want to see tits I can always watch a porno or ask my wife to take her shirt off. When those bimbos have to speak… Ugh, let’s just say that those girls generate more wood in their speech patterns than their willingness to do nudity ever will. “Thankskilling” took the approach of making the only nude role a non-speaking role (smart), and their cast was apparently directed at times to play things phony. Alas, that cast isn’t convincing when the scene actually calls on them to play it straight.

With Panman’s cast, lead actress Talia Tabin was an appealing anchor to the craziness of the story and her performance came off quite well considering that she’s asked to fall in love with a murderous pan headed dude. They say that when people want to win Oscars they always play someone with an accent or a disability. To my mind they should just force all the actresses to play a serious scene opposite Panman. Supporting player G. Larry Butler also stands out with a goofy character that he plays as over the top as each scene requires him to be. And finally Les Jennings deserves a mention simply because the roomful of nerds I watched “Panman” with all thought he had great charisma and was very funny in his limited screen time.

I could go on regarding the sound or get ridiculously minute about details horror aficionados will love (a painting of Linnea Quigley in the background, for example), but suffice it to say that “Panman” is a movie that needs to be seen not just by nerdy horror goons, but also anyone who enjoys comedy. The other movies I’ve discussed invite you to laugh at them and their badness, “Panman” has you laughing because yes, it wants you to laugh at it, but also because it is genuinely funny, even witty.

Also you can play: Spot the Cameraman in the Pan's Reflection game.
Surprisingly...it happens very little.

I’ve said my piece, now my hope is that others will too. Even if you’re not a  distributor, if you have access to the interwebs, you can help this masterpiece get a release. If you participate in horror or movie message boards, post this review. Like Panman on Facebook and share this and other Panman reviews on your Facebook page. Do what I did and take a picture of yourself as Panman, or better yet, take a picture of yourself as Panman with someone simulating going down on you (first person to do an actual Panman porno gets 50 Internet Experience Points). If you’re a blogger, even if you don’t have much of a following, get ahold of Tim Pilleri at http://www.timpilleri.com/panman.html and see if he’ll send you a screener. Hell, if he’ll send a screener to this website… You get the idea.

The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Round 3


Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see 4 fighters battling it out in 2 Round 3 matches. First up, Orca: The Killer Whale vs TerrorVision. After what these two powerhouses did in their last matches, this will be a rumble not to be missed. And finally, Panman goes up against Rumpelstiltskin. This is a match up only dreamed up by the bad movie gods. Both of them have equal parts action/comedy/and romance. These two definitely have a lot in common but not today. Today, only one of them gets to move onto the 4th and final round. Let's begin.

MATCH 1: Orca: The Killer Whale vs TerrorVision
FIGHT!

Orca comes out strong, gets TV in the grapple, side suplex. TV is up on his feet...BIG SLAM! HOLY SHIT HE JUST LIFTED ORCA OFF THE GROUND! He's reaching down and around Orca....BIG GERMAN SUPLEX OFF THE MATT!!! OH MY GOD, HOW IS HE DOING THIS? WITH ALL THAT WEIGHT THIS JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE! (He is out of this world you know)

TV is taking this outside the ring. ANOTHER BIG SLAM! ANOTHER GIANT GERMAN SUPLEX! HOLY FUCK! ORCA'S HEAD IS SPINNING! HIS EYES HAVE GLAZED OVER! SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR TO FIX THIS GUY'S EGO...TERRORVISION IS DOMINATING!!!

TV takes it back to the ring. He has Orca in a fireman's carry....SIDEWAYS DDT!! SPECIAL! TV HAS HIS SPECIAL!!! He's managed to get Orca up to his fins...grapple...HE HITS THE TRASH COMPACTOR!!

TerrorVision wastes NO TIME.

TV rolls him up for the pin and 1...2....3!!! HOLY SHIT HE GOT IT! ORCA...HE HAD NO CHANCE!! HE JUST GOT DESTROYED!! ORCA! ORCA! MY MONEY?? I LOST SO MUCH MONEY ON YOU!!!!

TerrorVision advances to Round 4! THE FINAL ROUND!

MATCH 2: Panman vs Rumpelstiltskin
FIGHT!

And now, I would like to announce your guest commentator for this evenings main event: MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooYYYYYEAAAHHHHH!!! Let's see what these Macho Man WANNA BEEEEEEEES can do.

Panman charges out of the gate. GET HIM! He grabs a hold of Rump and hits him with a quick suplex. They teach you to do these things in wrestling school as it quickly takes them down and out of the picture but THAT AIN'T HOW THE MACHO MAN PLAYS THE GAME. MACHO MAN WOULD'VE ELBOW DROPPED THAT MOTHER FUCKER.

oooooooooooooo YEAH!

Rump counters with a BIG KICK. Panman spins and counters with a knockdown. Rump is on his feet.

This is fucking boring. I need to get in there and whoop some ass.

(Mr. Gable) WOAH WOAH WOAH Not to worry folks. I called in the authorities to take out the Macho Man before he could interfere with this match up. Must have been all that coke he had earlier. Back to the match:

Panman lays out Rump with a shoulder breaker. Rump is rolling around screaming A LOT of profanities. Did he just say FUCKETH ME? HAHAHAHA HE DID!! Panman drags him to his feet, fireman's carry....SLAM on the matt. Rump is not looking too good.

Panman pulls him up and throws him into the corner. He charges....RUMP DODGES! PANMAN IS IN THE CORNER, HE TURNS AROUND!! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA RUMPELSTILTSKIN JUST GAVE HIM THE BIGGEST BITCH SLAP I'VE EVER SEEEEEEEEN!!!

Panman staggers forward, Rump gets a hold of him...KNEE BREAKER! OH SHIT I HEARD SOMETHING BREAK! Panman is up...he's limping. This isn't good. Panman gives Rump a couple of chest chops. Rump retaliates with his own brand of chest chops. Back and forth. OOOHHH That's gotta fuckin hurt. Panman punches Rump in the face, whips him into the ropes....SIDEWALK SLAM! He picks up Rump and....POWERBOMB!

OH NOOO!! Panman is down! Rump is down! Panman's leg gave out under him. Oh fuck! Rumpelstiltskin is up...he's got Panman.......PANMAN HAS HIS SPECIAL!!! OUT OF NOWHERE PANSLAM!!!! PANSLAM!!!!!


Panman rolls over on top of him....1.....2.....3!!!!!! PANMAN WINS IT! PANMAN WINS IT!!!!

Panman advances to Round 4! THE FINAL ROUND!

Well that certainly was exciting. TerrorVision had some kind of bloodlust towards Orca. He competely lost his shit. Orca barely was able to do anything. Poor bastard. And Rumpelstiltskin...he did everything he could do bring down the mighty Panman but in the end Panman found it within himself to bring him down. But I'm worried about that knee, will it be healed enough tomorrow to make it through TerrorVision?

Check back here TOMORROW for the FINAL ROUND in the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!!!

oooooooooooooooooooooooo YEAH!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Bad Movie Battle Royale Loser Bracket?


8-Bit Reviews stole an idea from me and now I will steal an idea from them. (well it's technically not stealing since we're all on the same team but fuck it. When something's awesome, it's awesome. 8-Bit is awesome and I love their Bracket Brawl. It's gonna be awesome and I'm totally gonna win.)

That being said:

What do you guys think of a Loser Bracket? With all of these upsets and this craziness with (supposedly) great fighters getting beaten out in the first round, what do you think of a loser bracket? Winner of the loser bracket faces the champion of the Bad Movie Battle Royale in a special event for supreme victory as...without a shadow of a doubt...the greatest bad movie (of the 12 that I chose to participate in the royale).

I'm asking for 10 PEOPLE to post a comment here and let me know that you want to see more. Just 10. If not, we'll let it go and get on with our lives. If you're enjoying what you've seen so far, let's take it a little further. But ultimately, its up to you.

And this time it'd be different. I'd do the loser bracket all in one post, a mini-synopsis of the match and the victor. I wouldn't draw it out for an entire week.

Unless you ask me to.

Also, this does not effect the contest or the winner of the Bad Movie Battle Royale as it stands this week. The loser bracket would simply be the...rematch to determine just exactly WHO is the REAL bad movie in this place.

You have until Friday.

The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Round 2


Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see 8 fighters battling it out in 4 Round 2 matches. First up, Orca: The Killer Whale will be taking on Quest for the Mighty Sword. Orca is clearly the better movie...but after seeing what Quest has up her sleeve in Round 1 this will make for a great match up. Next, it's TerrorVision vs Birdemic. This time Birdemic is the fan favorite. Does TV have what it takes to take down easily one of the best/worst movies ever made? After that, Panman returns to take on Alligator. Alligator and Panman are great movies and well paced so I can only assume that this battle will be no less. And last we see Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin takes it when it comes to watchability but can he avoid the Cyborg Stunner? We will see in ROUND 2 OF THE BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!

**I would also like to note that from this point on, the only character I have control over is Alienator. I thought the game allowed the option for me to play as any character during any round. This is not the case. So for the most part what happens from this point on is all up to the computer.

MATCH 1: Orca: The Killer Whale vs Quest for the Mighty Sword
FIGHT!

Quest meets Orca in the middle of the ring and they grapple. (THIS IS SO FUCKING EXCITING) Quest tries for a side suplex...but Orca is just too damn heavy. She limps away holding her back. Orca rushes towards her...BULLDOG! He just bulldogged her!! Something I've heard she's quite used to.
Quest gets up and...BIG PUNCH TO ORCA'S FACE! ORCA IS BLEEDING! There's a river of blood flowing from his face. This is insane. Actually...it looks like Orca has gone insane. He comes back at her with a quick punch...but Quest counters and punches him....but ORCA COUNTERS AGAIN AND....hits the big punch to the side of her face. Orca picks her off the matt, in the grapple...side suplex. Quest gets up...struts up to Orca....OOOOHHH!!!!! SHE JUST BITCH SLAPPED HIM!! HAHAHAHA

Orca does not seem happy about that. She rushes her and....CLOTHESLINE. He just knocked her head off!! That's gonna hurt in the morning. Quest is up, she's staggering....SPEAR! ORCA JUST SPEARED HER! If she were an ocean front town she would be ON FIRE right now. Orca has his special, Quest is staggering...HE HITS IT! He lands THE KILLER WHALE!

I think she's enjoying that a little too much.

Orca goes for the pin....1....kick out. WHAT? HOW DID SHE DO THAT!!! Orca is OUTRAGED! He throws her outside. His face is all business right now. He grabs her head, throws it between his legs....POWERBOMB! Powerbomb on the outside! He picks her up...NECKBREAKER! OH MY GOD! How can her head take any more punishment??? He jumps on her for the pin...1....2....3!!!!

Orca advances to Round 3!

MATCH 2: TerrorVision vs Birdemic
FIGHT!
 
These are both fan favorites but I'm thinking most people are rooting for Birdemic. He looked very good in try outs and here he comes. He throws a punch, TV retaliates with another punch. Punch Punch Punch. TV grabs Birdemic...Side suplex. TV picks him up...it looks like he's going to try it again...REVERSAL! Birdemic reverses with his own suplex. TV is down on the matt. He goes down for the pin....1 count.

TV gets up...gets ahold of Birdemic...side suplex. It would appear that this is TV's trademark move. He picks up Birdemic for what can only be ANOTHER side suplex but...BIRDEMIC REVERSES INTO AN ANKLE LOCK! Oh my god, he's going to snap his fucking ankle! TV is writhing in pain! It's horrible. He releases it and waits. TV gets to his feet...FLYING KNEE! Birdemic practically flew across the ring with his knee extended outward! OWN'D!

TV IS DOWN, Birdemic is on top of him delivering big punches. Birdemic gets TV up to his feet, throws him into the ropes....SPINNING DDT! Birdemic is just dominating this match up. He gets TV up to his feet, goes for a big headbutt and...TV REVERSES! BIG PUNCH TO THE FACE! BIRDEMIC IS BLEEDING! BIRDEMIC IS BLEEDING!

TV comes back BIG. While Birdemic is staggering around clueless to what just happened, TV rushes behind him and BULLDOGS HIM right into the matt. TV picks him up, throws him into the ropes...SIDEWALK SLAM. He picks him up one more time...PILEDRIVER! Dear god no, what is TV doing? He's up on the top ropes...OH MY GOD! HE'S GOT BIRDEMIC. TV JUST FLEW FROM THE TOP ROPES FOR A... SOMERSAULT STUNNER!! 

OWN'D

1...2.....3!!!! It's all over! TV WINS THE UPSET! BIRDEMIC LOSES! BIRDEMIC LOSES!!!!!!!!
TerrorVision advances to Round 3!

MATCH 3: Alligator vs Panman
FIGHT!

Panman ain't takin any shit from Gator. He comes out swinging. Alligator stops him in his tracks...BIG PUNCH! OH SHIT! Panman is BLEEDING! PANMAN IS BLEEDING! Gator gets the grapple and Panman reverses...and kicks Gator right in the face. Alligator is up, he's in the ropes...he's back...Panman doesn't seem to be paying attention...OH!! RUNNING CLOTHESLINE!!! PANMAN IS DOWN! PANMAN IS DOWN!


Seizing this opportunity, Alligator busts out his ghettoblaster and places it in the corner. The following is played throughout the rest of the match:


WHY? Because Alligator is fucking badass, that's why!


OH SHIT! PANMAN JUST HIT HIM WITH A CHAIR! HAHAHAHA Stupid Gator. Shouldn't have been playing awesome music. Now he's got him up and....CHOKESLAM!! Panman just chokeslammed ALLIGATOR! Do you realize how fucking HEAVY HE IS??? He's driving him into the ground. He's stomping a mudhole in his ass! How can Gator be taking it!?


Alligator wipes his foot away. He's up! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!? (you see...the alligator has a very tough outer skin capable of withstanding large amounts of ass whoopin. to truly defeat the alligator you must attack its underside or its mouth.)


Alligator whips Panman into the ropes. Panman......PANMAN DODGES THE CLOTHESLINE! HE'S INTO THE OTHER SET OF ROPES AND...SPINNING DDT!!! SPINNING DDT!!! Alligator is face down. Panman reaches down and scoops him up...AND OVER HIS HEAD! A MASSIVE GERMAN SUPLEX OFF THE MATT!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT. You guys really should've bought tickets to this thing. That was amazing.


Alligator is staggering. Panman gets him in the grapple...he's lifting him onto his shoulders. AIRPLANE SPIN! OH FUCK HE'S DOING AN AIRPLANE SPIN!!! THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!! AAAAANNNNDDDD....he spins him into something similar to a diamond cutter!! Panman rolls him over...picks him up....INVERTED DDT!

I really hope this is what happens in Panman 2: Panman vs A GIANT FUCKING ALLIGATOR.

He goes for the pin...1....2....3!!! OH MY GOD HE DID IT! NO SPECIAL! NO SPECIAL!!!!! Panman is so badass he beat him with normal moves. Amazing!!!!


Panman advances to Round 3!


MATCH 4: Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin
FIGHT!


Alienator runs up and PUNCHES RUMP RIGHT IN THE FACE! HE'S BLEEDING! 3 SECONDS AND HE'S BLEEDING! RUMP IS UP AND....OH!! KICK TO ALIENATOR'S FACE!!! ALIENATOR IS BLEEDING!!! 9 SECONDS AND THE BLOOD IS RUNNING THICKER THAN THE MISSISSIPPI!!


6 seconds later...fucking WIN.


Rump...snap suplex to Alienator. Alienator...to the top rope. Rump runs up AND TOSSES HER OFF THE TOP ROPE! WHAT THE FUCK!!! HAHAHAHA That was awesome! Rump runs up and hits her with the DOMINATOR (I'll leave your imagination figure that one out)


Rump gets Alienator up on his shoulders...AND SPINNING NECKBREAKER! Jesus man, that's a woman, take it easy. OH SHIT! SHOULDER BREAKER! HOW MANY OTHER THINGS ARE THERE LEFT TO BREAK!!! Alienator retaliates...punch left, right, kick, grapple...she sends him to the corner. She rushes him...AND MISSES THE CLOTHESLINE! Oh fuck, her shoulder is really hurting now! Rump hits her with a big punch....SUPLEX! Rump is going to the top rope...oh dear god no...he wouldn't....FLYING LEG DROP!!! OH MY GOD!!! ALIENATOR IS BROKEN IN HALF!!! Rump picks her up, has her in his grasp...what is he going to do now? Somebody call the morgue and let them know they have incoming...Rump hits her with the SPINNING PILEDRIVER! OH DEAR GOD PIN HER ALREADY!!! 1....2....3! Rumpelstiltskin win! Thank god its all over, I'm gonna need a beer after watching that.


Rumpelstiltskin advances to Round 3! Panman...look out. You have a psycho on your hands.


Keep it here at Mr. Gable's Reality for ROUND 3 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Round 3 will see TWO EPIC MATCH UPS. First Orca: The Killer Whale takes on TerrorVision. A battle that will most assuredly end very badly for one of them. After what TerrorVision did to The Amazing Bulk and Birdemic, does Orca have what it takes to bring him down? And our second match...Panman vs Rumpelstiltskin. These two powerhouse wowed audiences during tryouts. Both were extremely impressive and highly underrated. They really need to see more action. But after the pummeling Rumpelstiltskin gave Alienator, can Panman survive the brutality long enough for the win?


Find out tomorrow in Round 3 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Round 1

MS Paint baby.

Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see 8 fighters battling it out in 4 Round 1 matches. First up, Quest for the Mighty Sword vs R.O.T.O.R. Both movies are extremely terrible but at the same time hilarious. This should be an equally entertaining match up. Next, it's The Amazing Bulk vs TerrorVision. TerrorVision is everyone's fan favorite in this bout but he will have his hands full with the overweight, underdressed AMAZING BULK. After that, Panman will faceoff against She. Is he a man's man who refuses to hit ladies or will he pummel her into the ground? And SHE, we know she takes shit from no man having built an entire civilization of man hating women so this should be an interesting fight. And last is Alienator vs Future-Kill. A match that everyone will be able to tolerate because they're so wasted. Nobody fucking likes either of them. So...whatever.

MATCH 1: Quest for the Mighty Sword vs. R.O.T.O.R.
FIGHT!

Quest comes out swinging. Rotor is backed into the corner, Quest hits him with a right jab and he's locked in the turnbuckles. Quest backs up and runs....OH! CLOTHESLINE! Rotor is knocked down. Quest faces the crowd for a quick taunt and....Rotor has her grappled from behind. Quest, with a smile on her face, kicks back between her legs and delivers a devastating low blow. Rotor is down again. The look on his face is not one of joy. Pain. That is the look of pain.

Rotor is up and comes flying at Quest with a roundhouse kick...and Quest deflected it. She has his foot in her hands and...and...Rotor flips through the air, kicking her in the face. He pulls her up to her feet and delivers a snap suplex. Quest gets up and whips Rotor into the ropes. He comes back into A SIDEWALK SLAM. OH SHIT! He just got DOMINATED.

Rage swells in Rotor's face. He whips Quest into the ropes and...SPEAR! HE SPEARED HER RIGHT INTO THE MATT. HE'S UNRELENTING. He's on top of her pummeling her face. Bruises are swelling up everywhere. He's got her up on her feet now and...he's taking it to the outside. He's got the ringside steel steps and...HOLY SHIT! RIGHT IN HER FACE! That's going to require medical attention. After what he's done to her face today, there's no chance she'll ever get a date. Not that she was ever that hot to begin with.

Quest returns to the ring, fleeing in terror. Rotor...dear god no....he's got his special. He gets Quest in a grapple and...HE JUST LAID HER OUT WITH THE ROTOR SPINNER. TWICE! Quest is down...but Rotor isn't pinning her. What the fuck is he doing? I guess he wants some more. Quest gets back to her feet. She....dear god she's....HULKING UP. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? She is gaining momentum. She's coming at him with the jabs, left right left right. Into the corner. She's got him right where she wants him. She looks like she's about to finish it. She's got him between her legs...a place all of us have been...and...and... POWERBOMB INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!!! I THINK HIS FUCKING NECK IS BROKEN!! She takes the pin and 1...2...3!!!!! PINFALL!!

Quest for the Mighty Sword advances to Round 2!

MATCH 2: The Amazing Bulk vs TerrorVision
FIGHT!

TV charges out of the gate. He is RELENTLESS! He's got Bulk on the ground. He is slapping him around like a red headed step child! Bulk has no choice but to head out of the ring and grab an equalizer - a stop sign. He's in the ring and...TV knocks it out of his hands and lands him with not one but TWO SIDE SUPLEXES!!! OH MY GOD!! TV HAS THE STOP SIGN!!

Man, I suck at this game.

TV is UNFORGIVING. He keeps beating the ever loving piss out of Bulk. His eyes have glazed over. His soul is no longer of this Earth. BUT WAIT! Bulk is up. He's knocked the stop sign out of TV's hand and he's got him in the corner. He hits him with the big head butt. And again. And again. AND AGAIN! How can TV take it!? Bulk takes a swing with the big right hand and...TV REVERSES! He lands a giant fist to the face and...

DEAR GOD THE AMAZING BULK IS BLEEDING!!! BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE!!! TV has his special meter...he's got Bulk in his grasp...and...and...HE HITS HIM WITH THE TRASH COMPACTOR!!! BULK IS DOWN! BULK IS DOWN!!! 1...2...3!!!!

TerrorVision advances to Round 2!

MATCH 3: Panman vs She
FIGHT!

She attacks Panman wildly! This is worse than that time my wife caught me cheating on her sister! THIS IS A MILLION TIMES WORSE! EYES! SHE'S GONE FOR THE EYES! Panman knocks her hands away and PUNCHES HER RIGHT IN THE FACE! SHE IS DOWN! Oh my god, this is a SLOBBERKNOCKER.

She comes back with a running spin kick. Panman is down. She takes it to the top rope. She jumps and...PANMAN MOVES! She lands hard. Her gut has been BUSTED. Panman takes it outside. She flees to the opposite side of the ring and takes aid from an audience member. She grabs their...bouquet of roses? Here she comes. SHE HITS HIM WITH THE ROSES! The thorns! THINK OF THE THORNS! She is beating him with the bouquet of roses. Panman is....slightly annoyed. He gets to his feet and heads back to the ring.

She enters the ring and knocks him down with another spin kick. She attempts the top rope again and...MISSES! SHE MISSED AGAIN! Panman is on his feet. He tosses her into the ropes and...SPINNING DDT! OH MY GOD! SPINNING DDT! She is down. Panman is on top of her punching the shit out of her face. His fists are coming down like Asteroids of PAIN! He rolls She to the outside. Panman...what the fuck is he doing. He can't be...he wouldn't...

He's climbing the turnbuckles! From the top rope....FLYING HEADBUTT TO THE OUTSIDE! He has his special. He gets her to her feet...in the grapple...PANSLAM! He takes her down with the Panslam on the outside! He rolls her up for the pin...1....2...........3!!!! He's got it!

Panman advances to Round 2!

MATCH 4: Alienator vs Future-Kill
FIGHT!

Alienator charges FK and lands a clothesline. FK is down within 2 seconds. Alienator climbs the ropes. What is she doing? No way can she land this...SHE LANDS THE FLYING ELBOW! OH MY GOD! FK is crying like a little bitch! HAHAHAHAHA This is awesome!

FK is down. Alienator goes to the top rope and does it again. THREE TIMES! This is pathetic. FK is about as useless as a one legged man in an ass whoopin contest. Alienator has her special. She's got him in her grasp and...SHE HITS IT! The Cyborg Stunner!


But what's this? She's not pinning him. She's going for the tap out! She's at his feet...and...PUTS HIM IN THE SHARPSHOOTER! A move made famous by the great Bret "The Hitman" Hart. But he doesn't tap out. She lets him go. She couldn't stand his whimpy little screams. She's got him on his feet and...SUPLEX. SUPLEX. SUPLEX. SUPLEX. Wow. Alienator is but a cat with its toy. She takes him to the corner and gives him not one, but three headbutts. FK is down. She's got her special again. FK is on his feet, Alienator gets the grapple...and STUNNER! But wait, she's getting him back up again...ANOTHER STUNNER! Wait, she can't be. She's got him up one more time....dear god no, let the man live! STUNNER! SHE LANDS THREE STUNNERS! He's tilting his head forward...can he take any more? NO! He's out! He's out cold. Alienator has just knocked Future-Kill THE FUCK OUT! TKO! TKO!

Alienator advances to Round 2!

Keep it here at Mr. Gable's Reality tomorrow for ROUND 2 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE. Round 2 will see Quest for the Mighty Sword vs Orca: The Killer Whale, TerrorVision vs Birdemic, Panman vs Alligator, and Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin. So until tomorrow...take it easy. And watch bad movies.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Garbage Pail Kids Movie TRIPLE REVIEW!


Last week I put up a challenge to watch this movie. I noticed that it was on Netflix Instant Watch and it turns out that a couple guys took me up on that challenge. One had already seen the movie and absolutely loved it and the other hadn't seen it yet but already had it in his queue. The three of us got talking and decided that this movie is so fantastically bad that we wanted to try something a little different. We were going to each review this thing and combine it together on our respective sites for one AMAZING TRIPLE REVIEW (each unique to our sites of course). Three different personalities, three different points of view, one amazing movie.

Here is the result...

Morbidementia

Thanks to Mr. Gable's challenge that he posted on his blog (linked to http://mrgablesreality.blogspot.com/2011/03/challenge-garbage-pail-kids-movie.html), I finally got up the guts to watch The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.  Even though I have heard tons of bad things about this movie, it wasn't enough to prepare me for what I was in for.

Here's what others have said about this movie:

 - "...the most universally panned movie of all time..." - X-Entertainment.com
 - "...a movie made by people who obviously should not have made a movie..." - BadMovies.org
 - "I feel raped.  I feel honest to God raped by this movie.  It is that bad." - ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com

Here's what I have to say about this movie:

 - I only wish I could have seen this movie when I was a little kid.  Because this is the kind of movie that little kids should never see.

As a little kid I was just as fascinated with sex, violence, nastiness, and scariness as I am now.  The problem was that, as a little kid, I couldn't get access to what I wanted.  I couldn't get into R rated movies, I couldn't get into X rated movies, I couldn't buy porno mags, I couldn't do shit.

But I COULD get into a PG rated movie, and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie would have scared the crap out of me and rotted my brains, not to mention given me a boner or two.  If only I could have gone.

If you're wondering what a PG rated movie that's supposedly for kids is doing on a horror blog, the answer is this:  The Garbage Pail Kids puppets are truly terrorizing in this movie.  There's something deeply disturbing about midgets in costumes with enormous misshapen heads and malfunctioning puppet faces.  Their eyes are always walleyed or crosseyed, each eye never looks in the same direction.  This means they can't really look at who they're talking to.  The directors seemed to realize this, so they just have the puppets wildly roll their eyes all over the place while they're talking.  Or should I say attempting to talk, because their mouths can neither open all the way nor close all the way.  Its all very fucking frightening.




This happens at least 247 times during the movie.

There's one GPK named Ali Gator (above) who is continually eating severed toes and eyeballs out of a lunchbox.  I'm pretty sure that would have given me nightmares.

Most critic complaints about the movie seem to be with the GPKs belching, farting, puking and snotting all over the place, but A) what did you expect, have you SEEN the Garbage Pail Kids cards?, and B) that's NOTHING compared to the incredible amount of perverted and even borderline illegal material in this movie.  Just check this shit out:

The hot 80's babe named Tangerine takes off her shirt in just about every single scene she's in, and even though she's still wearing a bra, that would have been enough to take my young junk down to chubby town.  Plus there was the statutory-rapey way that Tangerine always treats the young boy Dodger, its totally disgusting, inappropriate, and extremely encouraging for any young pervert.

Oh, and then there's this totally creepy pedophilia scene where all the GPKs, boys AND girls, watch young Dodger take a bath, and Ali Gator even tries to give him a shrimp job.  Well, I suppose maybe he was trying to bite his toes off, but who could blame someone for getting mixed signals in that situation?

There is definitely some non-consensual little-people crotch-grabbing in the bar fight scene when one tough guy picks Ali Gator up over his head by grabbing him by his neck and his junk.  I guess midget rights have come a long way since 1987.

My pervy young self would have popped plenty a boner during the scene where the GPKs start rape-tearing clothes off of runway models during a fashion show.  This was sharking before sharking was cool.  In fact they might even have invented sharking. (This paragraph is Mr. Gable APPROVED.)

There are several scenes where GPK Nat Nerd wets his pants, but in one of them the urine stream is clearly OUTSIDE his pants, which means he's rocking out with his cock out.  This was years before I learned about golden showers.

Those 2 on the right sure do enjoy getting pissed on.

That's some pretty heavy duty shit for a PG rating, and that's just to name a few.  I think anyone who isn't a total idiot expected the movie to be gross and disgusting, but The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is downright debauched and depraved.  Its A Serbian Film for kids.  Its a bad movie, (it has 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and zero stars on worst-movie-ever lists everywhere), but its also bad for society.  This movie is probably to blame for several of the rapists and sexual deviants walking our streets.  But since I never got to see it when I was a little kid, its definitely not the excuse for how I turned out.

Guts and Grog Reviews
Read Guts and Grog's GPK review here.

People like to complain about this movie, they talk about how bad and cheesy and ridiculous it is.  Excuse me? Are you talking about that movie based off a set of trading cards where they shit their pants and vomit and fart a lot?  I would just like to let everyone know that that movie staring The Fat Boys as orderlies isn't Oscar worthy. Jesus people, what did you expect? I am sorry Orson Wells did not come back from the dead to lens this modern masterpiece of farts and vomit. I will take the next sentence or two to explain this gem, if it takes that long.

And Mr. Gable will insert a random clip.

Dodger works at the antique store from Friday the 13th: the series, he is like 12 and in love with a twenty something year old who is boning a Kevin Dillon lookalike reject named Juice who has nothing to do with 2Pac.  Juice and his gang? (one douche in a fishnet vest and some viking woman in some gross ass leotards) like to fuck with Dodger and Tangerine doesn't seem to mind.  A fight ensues and the gross Garbage Can that Captain warned him is the only thing not to fuck with of course opens up.  Dodger is thrown into the sewer where we finally meet our friends the GPK.  They get him all cleaned up, piss shit and puke on him (most movies with this I have to get at a different kinda store). Well for the next hour we see the kids make him some "sweet" stylish cloths that Tangerine can exploit by shoving her hot little 80's boobies in his face.  The kids get into trouble and all kinds of shenanigans ensue.  They meet up with some bikers at the toughest bar in the world. This is good as they will need their help when the poor little shits get taken to the asylum for the ugly.  Well you get it, it is pretty God damn basic but what the fuck did you expect.

In closing I will reiterate, how do you not know what to expect?  I mean its the mother fucking Garbage Pail Kids.  I used to ride my Schwinn Predator (not that dude in the windowless van with unlimited candy or the alien warrior but a sweet bike) to the corner store with whatever change I could scrounge up just to buy a pack and laugh my ass off at what clever bodily function they made a character out of. This movie is by no means perfect, it like the bible: its full of plot holes and confusing and supposedly has a message but is so convoluted it is laughable, but I will take the same stance many people seem to take on the bible and look the other way and just accept it.  I mean for fucks sake its the God damn Garbage Pail Kids, I don't remember Jesus giving anyone a hot lunch, if he did I may of taken a different path in this life.  So I guess what I am saying is don't be a pussy. GPK for life.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Mr. Gable's Reality

I can sum up the epicness of the Garbage Pail Kids with one scene. Windy Winston jumps up on a bar and farts in this guys face so hard that his mustache blows off. HAHAHAHA FUCK YEAH! Garbage Pail Kids.

Embrace the bad.

I knew, I KNEW, from the opening credits this was gonna rock. The opening was almost like a rip on Star Trek with a floating space Garbage Pail cruising around. And when it told me this was a Topps Trading Cards production...oh yes my friends. How can you go wrong?

I really don’t know much about the Garbage Pail Kids. I vaguely remember the cards growing up. I just knew they were the really amazing answer to the Cabbage Patch Kids. Fuck those guys, GPK for life bitches. But then it was so freakin awesome that they made a movie. And not just any kind of movie...a live action movie. A live action movie done with a bunch of midgets in oversized costumes.

This is what every other movie is missing.

So this movie is about a bunch of nasty little dudes from a garbage pail. They never explain where it comes from or why its in an antique shop. It’s just there. (I guess we can assume its from space...but who fucking cares.) And then all of a sudden these guys escape after the shop owner, who also happens to be some kind of shitty warlock, explicitly tells his illegal underage employee NOT to open it. Then they get out, they cause a little bit of a stir. And then they decide to help make clothes.

FUCK YES! I LOVE THE 80’S! YOU JUST NEVER SEE THESE THINGS COMING!!!

These little shits, instead of going out and causing an amazingly large amount of mayhem and nastiness, decide to help this kid make clothes. (It reminds me of a sweatshop really.) You see, the kid loves this chick that’s way older than he is. She’s so freakin HOT. She wears outfits that rival most Parker Brother’s board game covers. So obviously she knows a lot about fashion. 

The many faces of Tangerine. One.

And it turns out she’s apart of this crappy little gang who likes to beat up the boy. So she has a plan to exploit the GPK for her personal gain and you know what? GPK ain’t havin none of that.

So what ensues is the most amazing journey of farts, vomit, pissing, and biting people’s toes off that you have ever been a part of. Not to mention one of the greatest 80's soundtracks known to man. This movie needs to be seen to be believed. It’s outrageous sure but that’s to be expected, is it not? This movie...THIS MOVIE would have defined my childhood had I known about it. Fuck I’m so pissed I never got a chance to see it until now. THIS would have changed EVERYTHING. I know if I had seen this when I was younger, it would have been my favorite movie. Bar. None.

So if you’re readin’ this review and your smilin’ like a squid, YOU can be a Garbage Pail Kid!! Watch it on Netflix Instant NOW.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Bad Movie Battle Royale Draft Picks!!


WELCOME TO THE FIRST EVER BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE DRAFT! This is truly an exciting time. We have spent the last month and a half meeting our contenders and sizing them up. They've had ample time to train and now its showtime!

I have in front of me a bucket and 12 slips of paper. Written on the paper are the names of all 12 contenders. If you need to see them again...refer to this post. Now, let's review the bracket one last time.


Lucky contenders 1, 6, 7, and 12 will each receive a first round bye. 2-5 & 8-11 will have to fight it out in all 4 rounds. That being said. Let's pick the order:

1-Orca: The Killer Whale
2-Quest for the Mighty Sword
3-R.O.T.O.R.
4-The Amazing Bulk
5-TerrorVision
6-Birdemic

7-Alligator
8-Panman
9-She
10-Alienator
11-Future-Kill
12-Rumpelstiltskin

Orca, Birdemic, Alligator, and Rumpelstiltskin will all receive a first round bye. Fuck. I wanted to see ALL of those go all 4 rounds. Oh well. It will still be a good match up because the first round will see Quest for the Mighty Sword against R.O.T.O.R. - Both of them EPICALLY BAD movies. That's pretty amazing that fate would put them together. Next up, TerrorVision is going to have a fight on his hands against The Amazing Bulk. I think this is the best match of Round 1. The Bulk is a big nasty bastard but I think TerrorVision has what it takes to bring him down. Next up is Panman vs She. Both amazing films and deserving of one another but only one can go on. And I really can't decide which. If it's anything like the beginning of Panman, She is going down. And finally, the most pathetic match in this entire deal...Alienator vs Future-Kill. I had no preference over each of them. I kinda hated both of them. But I at least tolerated Alienator so that'd be my bet.

What do you think? I would've matched them up much differently but I think this will make for an entertaining conclusion. We have the possibility of see Alligator, Panman, & Rumpelstiltskin in the final round against Orca, TerrorVision, and Birdemic. (These would be the fan favorites I believe) So I think this will be an amazing fight.

Keep it here MONDAY for Round 1 of the Bad Movie Battle Royale. SEE YA!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Happy Friday! Get your bets in for the Royale!


Remember to head over to the contest page and bet on who you think will win the Royale.

BETTING ENDS AT MIDNIGHT TONIGHT (3/18/11).

I wish I could've posted something more awesome today but you know...it was St. Patties day yesterday. I am nursing a rum/mariokart hangover. It was pretty brutal let me tell you. BOTH of them kicked my ass. Lots of swearing transpired.


Remember to check back tomorrow morning for the Bad Movie Battle Royale DRAFT. I'll be hand picking the contestants out of a bucket to see where they will be placed on the brackets. And then monday the royale begins.


I'd also like to wish everyone a Happy Friday and have a great Weekend! We'll see you here tomorrow. Until then, enjoy this clip from Deadly Prey, a movie I sincerely wish I get an opportunity to watch this weekend.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Bad Movie Battle Royale Rules and Contest Reminder


We are on the home stretch friends. T minus 5 days until the ROYALE!!! It’s been WAY too long since I first started this thing. You’d think watching a dozen movies and reviewing them wouldn’t be all that hard but when you’re juggling around work and life it has it’s challenges. But that doesn’t matter now. What matters is that the reviews are done. The contenders have weighed in. Let’s have one final look at the them…

Featherweights
Rumpelstiltskin, Future-Kill, & Birdemic

Heavyweights
R.O.T.O.R., Panman, & TerrorVision

The Lovely Ladies
Alienator, Quest for the Mighty Sword, & She

Superweights
The Amazing Bulk, Alligator, & Orca

This is it! This is the Battle Royale! A month and a half in the making. It's all come down to this.

THE RULES

Event: Wrestlemania (obviously.)
Time Limit: Unlimited (I'd do a time limit but experience with the computer suggests that they may go over)
Count Out: Hardcore (This means no count out, back room accessibility, and use of weapons)
Pins, Submissions, & TKOs: Yes (This can happen anywhere)
Ropebreak & Disqualifications: No (What are we, pussies!? NO!)
Bloodshed: Can I get a HELL YEAH! (but no First Blood matches. Those always end too soon)

This is what the brackets will look like.


Saturday morning will be the Bad Movie Battle Royale DRAFT. I will put the names of all 12 contenders into a hat and they will be chosen at random to fill all 12 slots. The lucky 4 that get 1, 6, 7, and 12 will get a first round bye while contenders 2-5 & 8-11 will have to fight it out all four rounds.

So the first round will consist of 4 byes and 4 matches. The winners of the 4 matches will go on to face the first round byes in round 2. Round 3 will pit the top 4 contenders against one another in 2 semi-final bouts. And finally round 4 will decide who the ultimate victor is.

This is how the gameplay is going to work. In round 1 I will be controlling characters 3, 4, 9, and 10. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I will win…I’ve already tried a few “trial” bouts and this is hardly the case. Especially with so many different skill levels and fighting styles intermixed. In round 2, I will control the bye characters. 1, 6, 7, and 12. I do this to get the maximum effect from playing the game. And for fun. In round 3, I will take control the of underdogs. In the two matches, whoever’s average score during tryouts was lowest is the character that I will take hold of and do my damndest to get to the top. A minor handicap, not necessarily a sure win though. And for the 4th and final round, I will let the computer decide. I’ll sit back and enjoy the show.

And an interesting show it will be.

CONTEST REMINDER

Click here to go to the Bad Movie Battle Royale Contest Page. You still have time to get your bets in!

CONTEST IS CLOSED FRIDAY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT.

The winner will receive a free bad movie DVD from me! What is it? Who knows. But it’ll be awesome, I guarantee it! (You can also find links to all the reviews where you'll find stats for each character) And if you aren’t into contests but would still like to get in on the fun, leave your comments here on who you think will be the winner! At the very least you can have some bragging rights.
Good luck to the contenders and good luck to the contestants.

3/21/11: The Bad Movie Battle Royale 2011 begins…