Thursday, June 30, 2011

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 4: Swimming

I bet this Fourth of July weekend you’re looking forward to doing a little swimming. Jumping into a cool lake or diving into that crystal clear pool. Perhaps you’ll even float down a river on an inner tube with not one but TWO beers in your hand. Think again, friend. There’s a killer crocodile looking to ruin your day.

 I think she's more scared that people she knows will notice her in this movie.

Croc is the story of a killer croc. That’s really about it. OH! It takes place in Thailand. And honestly, you can really tell it too. (more on that in a minute) There’s a guy that runs a zoo, a band of evil Asians looking to expand their hotel gambling or some shit, and Michael Madsen decides to swing by as a Moby Dick type character. Mix in a whole heaping pile of rancid acting and quite a few deaths and you got yourself: Croc.


Let it be known, this Croc is just like every other Croc in existence. It’s big, it’s mean, and its going to eat you this weekend if you go swimming. Or anywhere near water. Hell, if you so much as plop down on a toilet, a baby Croc is going to swim up the pipes and bite you in the ass.

But as far as this movie is concerned, it can go ahead and suck my Croc. Wow. This is the suckiest suck that has ever sucked. I was on a ROLL with the Maneater series. Day 1, 2, and 3 were completely AMAZING! It just got better and better. Honestly, I watched the killer ants movie because I was so SURE it was going to be shit compared to Croc. And I didn’t want to do a shitty movie last. Fuck! Thanks Croc. You ruined everything.

 And it's right about here that Maneater Week went to shit.

The acting is what killed this movie. (And the story/effects/pacing/and unnecessary subplots) Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about terrible acting. I loooooove shitty acting. It’s hilarious. But in this movie: Not at all. First, I think they just got a couple American actors together as the leads and then flew out to Thailand and just grabbed anyone off the street that wanted to be in a movie. It was AWFUL. The “evil” Asian dude, whom had NO PURPOSE TO THE STORY AT ALL, was fucking dreadful. I couldn’t even enjoy his shittiness. Every time he spoke I felt like punching walls.

So glad he’s dead. (oops…spoiler)

It isn’t without some charm though. I watched this movie in 2 parts. The first part I watched approximately 40 minutes and then I had to do other stuff. Then I came back and finished the rest later. Now the first 40 minutes were total ass. Mostly based on acting alone. People died so that was pretty cool. But anyway, when I came back and turned it on, not more than 2 minutes later this family is out swimming when out of NOWHERE the Croc comes out of the water and eats a little boy. HAHAHAHA YES! That’s what I’m talking about. (It also happened in the trailer) After that I was sure this movie was going to be great.

But then it lost all momentum again and just fizzled away. So this movie has about 5 minutes worth of awesome going for it. Great.

After I finished the movie and reflected upon it, I realized something. The Killer Croc in this movie is the hero. THE GODDAMN HERO. Every character that was really fucking stupid, really fucking annoying, or was just generally a shitty actor…got eaten. This crocodile wasn’t a Killer Croc at all….it just hates shitty characters. YES! Thank you Croc. You saved the day…kinda. 

 Eating dumbasses since 2007.

So, when you’re out this Fourth of July and it gets really hot, think twice about jumping in the water. Because honestly, don’t kid yourself. You’re really fucking annoying, really fucking stupid, and a TERRIBLE actor. Myself included.

We’re hosed.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 3: Picnicing


I bet this Fourth of July weekend you are looking forward to going on a little picnic. Going out into a wide open pasture, spreading out a blanket, cuddling up with your significant other and perhaps even making love under the stars. Think again. There are 5 trillion maneating ants waiting for you.


The Hive is the story of Africa. There are swarms of ants running around eating people and destroying everything. It’s almost as if they’re intelligent. After unsuccessfully fighting off the ants, the government calls in the experts. A group of highly sophisticated and highly trained exterminators. These exterminators know the enemy and have a huge cache of weapons to fight off the ants. So they go out and do some damage…but the ants fight back. VIOLENTLY!

THIS TRAILER IS SO EPIC!

The Hive is the movie I most dreaded watching. I was all like “pfft…ants. Fuck that. That’s really fucking stupid. But that poster is pretty awesome. Oh well, let’s see what else I can find.” So after checking out what the Maneater series had to offer on Netflix Instant I decided that The Hive fit in with what I wanted to do with this week in foreshadowing our impending Fourth of July doom so then I was like “goddamn it. Ants. Alright, people getting eaten isn’t so bad right? Why am I talking to myself? Fuck it, let’s do this thing.”

Then I watched it. Actually what you should do is go to Netflix right now and just watch the first 4 minutes. It will blow your mind. It starts out with a shot of the sky and a meteor crashes to Earth. Immediately I was like YES! ALIEN ANTS! HAHAHAHA!! And then an army of ants takes over this woman’s home and eats her….AND HER BABY!! HAHAHA YES!

The Hive. You have my attention.

So we go from there right into the exterminators. They’re debating the intelligence of ants and the lead exterminator is all like, “pfft…ants. Fuck that, they’re really stupid.” So then a village is eaten up by the ants and the exterminators show up. They suit up, pull out their giant guns and PROCEED TO SHOOT MEGA AWESOME LASERS AT THE ANTS! HAHAHA YES THERE’S FUCKING LASERS IN THIS MOVIE!

And that’s something like the first 20 minutes. What happens after that is there’s another village attacked, they go out and shoot more lasers, the ants get smarter, this movie steals some ideas from “The Abyss” and “Aliens” and…I won’t ruin it for you. You have to see this movie. It’s so amazingly bad.

The pacing in this movie is FAST. One thing happens right after the other. Everything you could imagine doing with ants happens in this movie. They just aren’t eating people, the ants are controlling people minds and eating babies. It’s fucking awesome.

Of course, there are loads of CGI ant swarms. Not gonna lie, it looks unrealistic as hell. It’s not the worst effects I’ve seen but the ants take up about 3/4 of the running time of this movie so I’m sure they couldn’t afford to make the ants entirely believable. And I’m fine with that. The bad effects mixed with the insane script mixed with the unaccountable amounts of vodka you’re no doubt consuming while watching The Hive makes for one astoundingly fun time.

I recommend this one. I just started drinking it...sure wish I remember how it tasted.

So if for whatever reason you’re dumb enough to go on a picnic this weekend just remember that you’re as good as DEAD. The ants are going to eat you. Unless you bring lasers with you. Then you might have a chance.

Actually, you won’t. You can’t stop them. They’re coming. Actually they’re already here. Waiting.

FOR YOU!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 2: Boating


I bet this Fourth of July weekend you are looking forward to doing some boating. Getting out on the lake, skiing, swimming, tubing, enjoying all the freedoms of skimming across the surface of the water. Think again. A giant fresh water squid is waiting for you.

Although the artists must have thought it was an octopus. 
 
Eye of the Beast is the story of a small fishing town nestled quietly next to a ginormous lake. Suddenly a boat is missing and 2 people are found dead. (Hint: The squid ate them. Just like its going to eat you if you go boating this weekend) A scientist shows up to do some research for a government institution. He has some suspicions that there may be a giant squid in the lake after finding the wreckage. There is also a legend on this lake of a sea monster waiting to bring down any boats that get out of line. Turns out the legend is true. After ridiculing the scientist and this other woman who believes him, the town is met face to face with the dangerous creature and then ONLY TWO BOATS decide to go out and kill the colossal creature.


If this movie has taught me anything, it’s that lakes are not safe. No lake is safe. Especially the lake you plan to go boating on this weekend. THAT lake is GUARANTEED to be swarming with giant fresh water squid. And they all want to eat you. I mean, this movie showed what just ONE squid could do, can you imagine what an entire FLEET of them is going to do to you? What with their tentacles and beaks. Just imagine.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

According to the film's title: THIS is the entire plot.

When I first decided to watch Eye of the Beast I noticed on Netflix that James Van Der Beek was the star. I thought to myself…”I know that name. Where the hell do I know that name. Oh well, I’ll find out whenever he shows up.” So the movie gets going and its not until around 20 minutes until a bearded Van Der Beek shows up. And that’s when I smiled. Oh yeah, I remember that guy. Varsity Blues.

How the Might Have Fallen.

Oddly enough, that made it a little more watchable. He gave a lackluster performance. I don’t think he really wanted to be in this movie. You could just see the embarrassment in his eyes. But the guys gotta eat right? Once the movie got going and more towards the end he actually lightened up and was enjoyable.

I know what you want to know. You want to know more about the squid. There really isn’t much to tell other than you don’t see it until THE LAST 5 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE. It’s on screen for about 30 seconds until…well I don’t think I have to spoil it for you. The majority of the movie is just tentacles. And you know what…normally that’d be really shitty but in this case the tentacles did an awful lot of ripping: Ripping off limbs, ripping off faces, it was GREAT! And on the plus side: the tentacles were half CGI tentacles (when they came out of the water) and half practical tentacles (when they’re pulling someone into the water). I gotta give props to the filmmakers for making rational use of CGI.

It’s a SyFy monster movie. All the Maneater movies are. (That’s what I’m told anyway) But I’m really liking this brand of movie. HOLY SHIT, WHY DIDN’T I WATCH THESE BEFORE! Sure they’re predictable but you know what? That’s what I expect. That’s what I get. And I like it. You should too.

I should also point out that squids don’t have a skeleton so that means they can crawl through drains into your toilets and bathtubs. Have a great Fourth of July weekend everyone!

Monday, June 27, 2011

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 1: Hiking


I bet this Fourth of July weekend you are looking forward to doing some hiking. Getting out on the trail, trudging up and down hills, being one with nature. Think again. Behemoth is waiting for you.


Behemoth is the story of a small town nestled near a dormant volcano. Suddenly violent tremors disrupt this peaceful little town’s life and some geologists come out to check it out. Well one geologist and a team of government super secret geologists that are sure that there is a very large SOMETHING under the mountain. As the movie progresses the creature inside the mountain gradually wakes up and then it explodes out of the mountain and everyone’s fucked.


And so could you if you dare to go hiking this weekend. I promise you, if you go hiking this weekend, BEHEMOTH WILL EAT YOU. That’s what this movie taught me. Don’t let the lessons of the Maneater series pass you by.

I can smell your fear. It smells like raspberries.

Behemoth is a blend of Dante’s Peak, Cloverfield, and the Sarlacc Pit from Return of the Jedi. I actually really enjoyed this movie. Yes, it’s a CGI monster, but it wasn’t even lackluster CGI. The effects in this movie are REALLY GOOD. I’d probably compare them to really good video game movie effects. It’s not perfect but I thought it looked pretty damn good.

The pacing in this movie is…ok. People are dying left and right, hell even in the first 10 minutes there’s 3 kills but…it’s not really the monster doing the killing. ACTUALLY, the WHOLE monster doesn’t even show up until the final moments of the film. Behemoth IS the climax.

(Behemoth climax, heh heh heh.)

Basically, most of the movie is earthquakes and a shady government guy trying to retrieve a mystery case lost in the woods near the mountain. People die from CO2 inhalation, falling branches, craters, etc. These earthquakes are in fact the monster waking up. But then in the last third of the movie the creature finally starts to show up a little bit: an eye, a tentacle. That kinda thing.

I did like the movie. It’s pretty much a copy of Dante’s Peak with a monster. The volcano becomes threatening, the sheriff of the town refuses to adhere to the warnings of the geologist, bad things happen.

There was one side story with an old man and a girl trapped in a sunken diner that was really annoying. They seriously could not climb this 6 foot ladder to escape through the roof. It took them like 4 tries. The music really tried to make it seem epic when in fact its just fucking stupid. JUST GET UP THE FUCKING LADDER ALREADY! Geez.

But in the end, it’s a SyFy Saturday movie. It was fun. It was crazy. The effects were actually good. And it’s available on Netflix Instant. You just can’t go wrong!

Except this weekend, when Behemoth is eating you because you didn’t listen to me.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Watch the TAINT, Right here, RIGHT NOW!


Have you heard of The Taint? It's a pretty crazy movie. I blogged about it a few months ago. I own it. I'm happy I own it. It's not a perfect movie but there are A LOT of exploding cocks in this movie. (Here's the trailer of you have reservations about wasting a little over an hour on this movie)

(And also, this is a very adult movie. Just be forwarned)

Have a great weekend everybody!

The Taint from Dan Nelson on Vimeo.


This video is available until the end of June.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Announcing MANEATER Week 6/27-7/1


Fourth of July weekend is coming fast and you know what that means: Epic Monsters eating people. Help celebrate the start of this amazing weekend with a week FULL of outdoor bloodening murderousness!

Feel free to participate in any way you wish: Quite a few of the above movies are on Netflix Instant ready for viewing. (Or fuck it, watch anything where men are getting eaten: Like Tremors or Carnosaur 2)

As for myself, I will be watching 4 movies contoured to 4 aspects of outdoor fun: Boating, Hiking, etc. So if there's any reason you decide to do any of these things over the Fourth of July weekend...you'll have reason to think twice. Then on Friday I will present to you a brand new pitch for the Maneater series. Something so amazing that SyFy is (probably) already salivating to make it. (That'd be cool wouldn't it?)

So get ready friends, Maneater week gets going Monday. Eat them before THEY. EAT. YYOOOUUU!!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Full Moon 4th of July Sale! Buy some, get some.

Get on over to Full Moon Direct and buy some stuff 4th of July weekend! Spend some money, get some money! Check out the promotional poster and details here:


If you use a previously issued Gift Card during this sale, you will NOT receive more free Gift Cards!
· Gift Cards cannot be used to purchase additional gift cards.
Purchases of Gift Cards during this sale will NOT be rewarded with another free gift card.
· Gift Cards will be issued and mailed to you with your order.

Buy $25 - $49 during the sale, get a FREE $25 gift card!
Buy $50-$99 during the sale, get a FREE $50 gift card!
Buy $100-$199 during the sale, get a FREE$100 gift card!
Buy $200 or more during the sale, get a FREE $200 gift card!

Sale Dates: July 1st thru July 5th

That's a pretty sweet deal. Buy some stuff, get a gift card to buy more stuff later! That's awesome. Some things you may want to look into:

Killjoy boxset
Trancers boxset
Subspecies boxset
Puppet Master 1 & Axis of Evil on BLURAY!
The Sci-Fi Erotica Boxset!

And tons of fucking DVDs. Check it out, support the cause, lets make sure Full Moon lives forever!

And also enjoy the greatest cinema known to man.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fullfilled (2002)


The Trailer:

After “reconnecting” with Wishmaster 3, and subsequently being tortured by it, I was reluctant to watch part 4. The last time I viewed it was WWAAAYY back when it was first sitting on the new release shelves. ON VHS. (Shocking that WAY back is 2002 isn’t it?) All I remember from the experience is that the woman in this movie made all three wishes and that the third wish was pretty epic. I kinda actually remember liking this movie. (shudder)

So last weekend I gave it another go. Why not? Some things change, others stay the same right?

My feelings towards Wishmaster 4…stay the same.

It was good. I actually fucking liked it. It is no Wishmaster 1 or 2 by any means but it’s still pretty damn good on its own.

The first half of the movie is pretty much a copy of Wishmaster 3…which is a copy of Wishmaster 1. So a copy of a copy of a copy usually ends up looking like shit. And of course, the viewer (me), was dreading every minute. It was the same old story, same old formula, same old outline…but then something happened.

 I got naked.

She made her third wish. The prophecy they’d been talking about for FOUR MOVIES had come true. Upon the granting of the third wish, the gateway to the world of the Djinn will be opened and the Djinn shall inherit the Earth.

One problem: The Djinn can’t grant the third wish. It is a wish for LOVE and a wish like that can only be granted by the grantor.

As dumb as that sounds and as dumb as it is to turn the Wishmaster series into a love story…actually fucking worked here. That wish turned the tables for this movie. The moment she made it, the look on the Wishmaster’s face, the utter incapacity to process that fucking wish is absolutely priceless.

The filmmakers learned their lessons in part 3 and brought us something watchable. Yes, parts 3 & 4 were filmed back to back so you’re probably thinking that they’re both pretty terrible. Now, maybe this is because I pretty much watched 3 & 4 back to back and ANYTHING, no matter what it is, would look infinitely better than part 3 but I’d watch part 4 again.

But don’t get me wrong, this movie is bad. The same ShittyDjinn from part 3 is back…looking terrible as he does. His lines in this movie have improved. The writer introduced a sword capable of killing the Djinn…even though they’ve pointed out SEVERAL TIMES throughout the series that the Djinn is eternal and therefore can not die. Imprisoned…but not die. The acting is about what you would expect for this film. Mediocre…about on par with part 3. There’s one sulking character that gets really old really fast. And unfortunately sticks around for most of the movie. The Ending....it is what it is.

And most of the continuity of the ALL the movies is kinda thrown out the window.

BUT there is a lot to love here. Aside from the amazing third wish, they introduce a “hunter.” So once the waker has said their final wish, a hunter is released (from where? I have no idea) to track down and kill the waker before the third wish can be granted. Which is kind of odd since I would think most third wishes could be granted almost immediately. But whatever, he had a sword so he rocked. Also, there was quite a bit of nudity, so that helped the first half of this movie. And the kills. There was more of them, they were gorier, and they got more creative. THANK YOU. That’s the point of the Wishmaster films. It has nothing to do with anything other than the Wishmaster tricking people into killing themselves in gloriously evil ways.

So in short, give it a shot. DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING. It starts out slow but it eventually picks up again. If you’re a diehard of part 1, I’m sure you’ll hate this movie but for what it was, I liked it. I’m glad I have it on VHS. (God, how I love VHS.)

I hope they decide to reboot this with Wishmaster 5: The return of Andrew Divoff. That’d be awesome. I was thinking about this: I’d like to forego the female lead like they’ve done in all 4 and have the Wishmaster meet an evil person. So the waker is some guy living in the ghetto that hates his life. So its Evil meets Evil. The first wish could be that he wants the Wishmaster to kill everyone that’s ever wronged him. The second wish could be some other kind of random chaos. Then he’d help the Wishmaster on his quest to gather 1000 souls. And then the dudes third and final wish would be to be a Djinn: AND then the REAL prophecy would be fulfilled and the world would be overrun with Djinn.

THE END.

Monday, June 20, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell (2001)



Wishmaster 3 is for all intents and purposes a superior sequel when compared to other part 3’s. (Shark Attack 3, Hellraiser 3, Spy Kids 3) Wishmaster does something that the first 2 Wishmaster’s only touched upon: The human psyche. What is it that compels our race to do the things we do? What is it that DRIVES our curiousity? Wishmaster 3 not only explains these things in specific detail but it also pushes the envelope on its answer.

Wishmaster 3 should be regarded as the “holy grail” of amazing cinema. There really is a lot filmmakers can learn from this movie. The pacing is spot on, one kill after another in graphic detail. The Wishmaster himself, although lacking Andrew Divoff, is actually quite a bit BETTER. His look is terrifying and he’s just so much more evil.

Is it tea time yet?

What the fuck am I talking about. This movie it terrible. FUCKING TERRIBLE. Those first 2 paragraphs are a rouse. A fucking stupid devious ploy to accurately demonstrate the all and out shittiness of Wishmaster 3. Wishmaster 3 draws you in by tagging onto a great franchise, maybe even a decent trailer (don’t quote me on that), but in the end it’s just a huge pile of DOLPHIN SHIT!

Oh, it’s awful. I love to hate this movie. WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY? What the hell. )@#(*(*(& (@*^@#&* /*#(@ (@&*&@!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME WISHMASTER 3! HOOOWWWW!!!???

Ok.

Let’s try this again.

Wishmaster 3. It’s like someone made a photocopy of Wishmaster 1 and just moved a couple things around. Oh and wiped monkey feces all over it. First off, there’s no Andrew Divoff. That man IS the Wishmaster. I can accept no less, no more. He is the alpha and omega of evil. Secondly, WHERE IS THE WISHMASTER!? Honestly, the actual “Djinn” shows up seemingly OUT OF NOWHERE (I.E. the ruby never split open like in the previous movies) in the first 10 minutes and then he really doesn’t bother to make another appearance until later in the film. I swear that actor was in the Djinn suit for a total of 5 hours on set. And who decided to make him look WORSE? WHO!?

The story is just terrible. It’s basically the first one except the lead woman is the woman from Final Destination 2. UGH. I hate FD2. and 3. and 4. and probably 5 when it comes out. BUT, that’s for another day. I can’t even tell you much more about the story other than it’s a carbon copy. And I fell asleep at the end. Actually I was more in and out cuz my brain was trying to escape my skull and hang itself so I had to shut my eyes to keep my sanity.

FML

The Kills. Where are all the awesome kills? There’s probably 3 kills in this movie. I thought he needed 1000 souls to open the gates to hell. What about the other 997 dead bodies? I want to see those. WHERE ARE THEY, SHITTYDJINN? WHERE ARE THEY!? And the kills that do happen are fucking awful. They cut away before anything awesome happens. This series is built upon the foundation of special effects artists. This is THEIR series. They own it. Where’s the mindless violence? AAAAHHHH!!

Don’t watch it. Retain your dignity oh bad movie viewer and skip this one. Apparently, parts 3 & 4 were shot back to back. That makes sense since the same ShittyDjinn is in that one too. And he looks even worse in that one. I’ve seen part 4 before and I kinda remember liking aspects of it. We’ll see what happens after I give it another go. But as for part 3…

Burn it.

Friday, June 17, 2011

YES! New Killer Car Movie! Super Hybrid


Ah fuck yeah, we're already teased with the possibility of car rape. HAHAHAHA Oh wait! This is PG-13!? FFUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!

Synopsis:
Late one night a mysterious car is brought into the Chicago police impound garage after a deadly traffic accident. The garage's female mechanic, Tilda, and her young, hip fellow mechanics soon discover the car has a mind of its own: It morphs into different cars to confuse them, and instead of needing an engine to run, it breathes. It's a killing machine that is capable of outrunning and outwitting humans. In a high-octane fight to the death, it's our group of determined humans versus the car in this supernatural action-adventure in the vein of Stephen King's 'Christine' and 'Transformers'.
So, it's like Transformers...but awesome? I'm in. I think when they compare this to Transformers they mean that the car is actually pulling a The Thing on us. "It looks like a car but really it's a super hybrid space alien from Mars 13!"

We can only hope. Watch this:

(Vincent, if you're reading this: They totally ripped off your killer Zamboni machine idea.)

Oh well, it still looks cool. I would say this is along the same lines as a "Tremors" PG-13 flick. Not a Prom Night type of PG-13 flick. I'm getting the vibe that they just left out all the nudity and gratuitous cursing for more car rage and monster madness.

Actually, I'm getting a pretty good vibe about this movie. It's a crazy movie but this just feels like its going to be really entertaining. I don't know how to explain it but I'm pretty excited to see this one. Some movies hold themselves on nudity and graphic violence but THIS movie isn't doing that....so that just tells me we're in for a wild ride.

Or a complete waste of time.

I'm hoping for total DESTRUCTION! I can't wait. Also, did you notice the guy from the Mummy/Resident Evil movies is in this movie? I actually like that guy, that makes it a little more titillating as well.

(Written by Benjamin Carr: HAHAHAHAHA)

Look for Super Hybrid on DVD and Bluray August 23rd.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (1999)


How do you follow a really great horror movie filled excellent suspense, direction, special effects, and creativity? By not giving one single fuck. That’s how.

Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies is exactly as it should be. There’s no way they could have topped the original. I’m glad they didn’t even try. They just took a similar premise and added RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME kills to make up for the rest.

Like: An inmate at a prison got fucked over by his lawyer so he wished that his lawyer would go fuck himself. Aaaannnddd…he does. HAHAHA

I’m just thankful they brought back Andrew Divoff as the Wishmaster. He’s just SO GOOD at being evil.

Wishmaster 2 starts out with a robbery. They knock over a statue and find the ruby inside and the woman robber inadvertently wakes up the Wishmaster. The girl escapes while the Wishmaster takes human form just in time for the police to arrive. He takes the wrap for the robbery and is thrown in jail. While in jail, he grants a few awesome wishes and then decides its time to leave. But this time, unlike the first movie, the Wishmaster needs to grant 1000 wishes so he can claim 1000 souls in order to open the gate to his world and release the Djinn eagerly waiting to inherit the Earth. So, with the help of a friend from the prison he goes to a place where he is guaranteed to get hundreds of souls EASILY. (I won’t tell you where because I honestly think this direction for the movie was absolute genius and I don’t want to ruin that for you) Then it wraps up pretty similarly to the first. This time the girl actually has it figured out by her second wish though, so I guess that makes her smarter. Or maybe not.

Wishmaster 2 is full of inconsistency and plot holes. It’s fucking swiss cheese man. First, the Wishmaster doesn’t even look the same. They redid the make up and outfit that he wears so it looks more…human.

I like men now.

 BAH! I liked his look from the first one. He actually looks more homoerotic in this movie. (Which actually carries on (worse) into the third and fourth films…which I will get to hopefully next week) Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a badass and totally fucking evil, but I just liked his thickness/broadness in the first movie. Secondly: The rules are completely different in this movie. The amount of souls he needs is different, etc. Pretty much most of what the first movie established was destroyed and changed in this movie. And the basic story kind hops along on kills rather than Djinn history.

And you know what? I don’t care. I like Wishmaster 2. I think it’s a great follow up. It actually can stand all alone as its own movie as far as I’m concerned. It had no chance, and it knew that, so it just went batshit crazy on itself and this movie is the result. Andrew Divoff still pulls of the Wishmaster excellently. He’s just so fucking evil, I love it. The kills are so over the top and crazy that they’ll have your head spinning. In a good way.

 Andrew Divoff: Wishing our souls to damnation since 1997.

Would I recommend it? YES. Actually what I recommend is the DVD 2-pack that has Wishmaster 1 & 2 on a double disc. That is all you need right there. There really isn’t any need to seek out parts 3 or 4. Although, I did. And I’m not very happy I did. Andrew Divoff is gone and what’s left is just…awful. More on that later.

But for now, the Wishmaster series ends here for me. Wishmaster 2 is a pretty fun sequel. It’s great for a Saturday night after a few drinks with friends and you’re looking for something to laugh at.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Wishmaster (1997)


Wishmaster is a special effects guy's wet dream. The gore in this movie is only limited to the imagination of the people creating the effects. I don't really think there was much supervision when it came to the kills in this movie. I'm pretty sure the director just told his crew to go wild because that's what this movie is: WILD.

Like the opening scene for example, a skeleton explodes out of this guys body and then runs around killing people. That's just so awesome.

 I've come for your women and beer.

Some people will argue with me on this, and that's ok, but Wishmaster is, in my opinion, a "Perfect" horror movie. What I mean by perfect is that I can watch this movie OVER AND OVER AND OVER and still enjoy it every time. Actually I think I enjoy it MORE every time I see it. I don't think I could ever get bored with this movie. (Some other movies I would consider perfect include Predator and Re-Animator) Wishmaster isn't perfect, no movie is perfect, but it's perfect for me. And that's all that matters.

I've always liked this movie. From the very first time I saw it up until my umpteenth viewing Sunday. It still shocks me how awesome it is. The effects are top notch, the Wishmaster is so fucking badass, and the CAST AND CREW: Oh lord the cast and crew. THAT is where this movie shines brightest (amongst B movie fans anyway)


    That's a long list. They space out each appearance so well too. It was such a joy to see Reggie Bannister and Buck Flower in the same scene arguing with each other. I love it.

    Wishmaster (if you don't already know) is about an evil Genie. They portray them as a race of beings called the Djinn in this movie. They live in the plane of existence between Earth and Hell. One particular Djinn, the Wishmaster, is wrecking havoc on Earth. You see, when someone wakes the Wishmaster he must grant the person that woke him 3 wishes and upon granting the third, the Wishmaster can open the gate from his world to Earth and all the Djinn will take over the world. But a sorcerer traps the Wishmaster in a Ruby. (This is just the first few minutes of the movie.) So we fast forward to present day, a statue is broken that has the Ruby inside and a woman inadvertantly releases the Wishmaster. The Wishmaster spends half the movie granting wishes to strangers in exchange for their soul while searching for the woman that released him. (Which is really fucking awesome, not only because it paces this movie so well but also because the kills are so amazingly gory) Finally, he find her and more amazing things happen. I don't want to ruin the ending for you because the wishes this woman makes are pretty awesome.

    Like this one.

    It's ok to click that link. There isn't any major spoilers there. It's actually a FREE wish the Wishmaster first grants the woman to get the ball rolling. It's really awesome and actually shows just how amazing Andrew Divoff is as the Wishmaster and this scene portrays the general personality of the Wishmaster. He's like this the whole movie. If you like this scene, you'll like the whole movie.

     Hey baby, when this is over, you wanna come over to my place?

    I really can't praise this movie enough. (But I'll sure as hell try) The effects are top notch, the majority of them being actual practical effects. (Which if you know me, are the BEST kind) The CGI included here just enhances any practical effects they got going on. It's quite impressive.

    This movie, even with its flaws (what movie doesn't have flaws?), is perfect to me.

    Tuesday, June 14, 2011

    BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Cyborg 3: The Recycler (1995)


    Good GOD! Malcolm McDowell can't even save this poster. WHAT. THE. FUCK!? I feel like I need to apologize for even posting it. Fuck, that's terrible. And WHY!? Why are you copying Alien3. NOBODY WOULD WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE IF THAT'S YOUR POSTER. I could do better in MS Paint.

    Ahhhh...much better.

    THE TRAILER:

    Ah fuck it, I couldn't find the trailer on YouTube. So instead, here's the FULL MOVIE!


    I'll just go get some more coffee while you watch this. Trust me, don't let that poster fool you, this movie is awesome.

    REVIEW:

    So I had my reservations about Cyborg 3. Why? I have no idea. I don't know why I have reservations about movies anymore. I'll fucking jump right into Manos: The Hands of Fate but Cyborg 3? I'll refuse to watch it because it "might not be good enough." What the fuck does that mean? And why am I quoting myself? I don't know and I don't care.

    Cyborg 1 was pretty cool, the story was pretty muddled and all over the place but I'm also aware that there was A LOT of problems with that movie from script issues to cutting the movie. But it's Van Damme so I gotta love it. Cyborg 2 was pretty bad ass. Naked Angelina Jolie. One-Liner shouting Jack Palance. You just can't go wrong! But Cyborg 3 takes a different turn...mind you, it still continues the story from part 2, replacing Angelina Jolie with some noob...but in this movie, the Cyborg gets.....pregnant.

    HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Oh yeah, this movie is going to be fucking awesomely terrible. I couldn't wait. I didn't even know that going in. We were just flipping around Netflix Instant and since we'd seen the first 2 we figured that we need to see the third. So we watched it. And after seeing the opening credits I was actually pretty excited.
    There's just so much B-Movie nerdness going on I could hardly contain myself. And it progressed so nicely because they'd kill off one B-Movie star and almost immediately introduce another one. It was fucking FANTASTIC!

    I'd like to point out John Carl Buechler for a moment. I really really enjoy his special effects. They aren't always perfect but they are EXACTLY what I want to see. They're all puppets and practical. It all moves pretty well and for what it is...it looks really good. The guy is pretty creative and his designs are pretty out of this world. And anything from the 80's through the 90's is pretty much the same, as far as I'm concerned. After seeing that clip for The Eden Formula I'm kinda concerned that maybe he's lost his touch. But that's ok, I will always remember him for all that he's done.

    So Cyborg 3. The story is basically about this guy called The Recycler. He hunts down cyborgs and sells them for scrap. Cyborgs fear him. He has his eye (literally, he's got one good eye and one cybernetic implant that looks like some kind of shitty Borg prototype) on this one Cyborg because he finds out that she's pregnant. This is unique as this has never happened before. So he follows her into the desert where they all eventually end up in fabled Cytown (It has a fucking SIGN and everything) where there are tons of beat up old Cyborgs living. The Cyborgs rise up, get upgraded, and fight back. Game over.

    Cytown had so much potential. Zach Galligan played a creator character. He designed and built cyborgs for a living before everything went to shit. So he ends up in Cytown with a bunch of beat up Cyborgs that need his help. And they find out that their defenses are down and an army of Recyclers are on their way to Cytown to wipe them out. What I was really really hoping for was that Zach Galligan would rig up weapons on ALL of the cyborgs. So they'd each have like chainsaw hands, axehead fists, machine gun ears, that kinda thing. (I was hoping for a Short Circuit 2 type montage) All we got was ONE guy (shown in the poster above) that recommended uzi's be attached to his hands. At least THAT guy understands my cyborg blood lust. Oh well, the ending was still pretty epic without the weaponized Cyborgs.

    This movie's pacing is pretty awesome. It's one epically bad scene after another. There's so many good quotes. So much so that people can form entire trailers out of them. This movie will have you shaking your head and laughing your ass off. It's so awesome. THESE are the kinds of bad movies that I live for. I hate that I ever had reservations about it. It's Cyborg 3 motherfuckers. Love it. And you really don't need to watch parts 1 or 2, they vaguely tie in. You won't be stumped on the story here. But parts 2 and 3 are on Netflix Instant so that's a pretty good night right there watching them back to back.

    I recommend this to anyone that likes bad movies and is looking for a "good" bad movie to watch. There's a lot to admire in the "good-bad" department with this movie. It's....it's awesome.

    Monday, June 13, 2011

    Taking Requests...

    Here at MGR I like to get all y'all involved. No matter how, I just like to work WITH you rather than FOR you. So, that being said. Who wants to torture me?

    Pick a movie, any movie, and I will watch it this Friday and review it. I don't care. DO YOUR WORST. Anything on Netflix Instant guarantees availability to me.

    Movies like:

    Ticked Off Trannies with Knives
    Stupid Teenagers Must Die!
    Cheerleader Ninjas

    All of these and anything else is fair game. ANYTHING. (You don't even have to stick to the horror/SciFi genres if you don't want to) I'll take all suggestions into account and determine the worst of the bunch. (Maybe I'll post a poll Wednesday) Come at me, what do you got? What would you like me to sit through so you can hear ALL about it next week.

    What is it?

    Monster Brawl coming soon!


    Hey Look! It's the Bad Movie Battle Royale: The Movie! hahahahaha


    Jimmy Hart, Kevin Nash, and Kurrgan. AND MONSTERS BEATING THE PISS OUT OF EACH OTHER!? Yes, this is happening. I'm hoping for EIGHT epic monster training montages. Fuck, that'd be awesome.

    I remember first hearing about this awhile ago. All I really remember is exactly what the premise is: A bunch of monsters fighting each other in the squared circle. I was excited about it then and I'm excited about it now.

    And I really don't care what people think about Dave Foley, I like him. I think he's funny.

    Synopsis (Like we need one):
    Eight classic monsters fight to the death in an explosive wrestling tournament set inside an abandoned and cursed graveyard. 
    Well, that explains nothing. This movie had better JUST be monster fighting. If they try to tell a story I'm going to be pissed. I want to see heads ROLL. (Thank you trailer)

    No news on when this will be on DVD. I hope soon, I really want to see it. Check out the official website for some really cool content like descriptions of each monster fighter and behind the scenes videos. It's a good time.

    Friday, June 10, 2011

    Yep I'm going to have to see this movie


    Necronomicon: Book of the Dead. A trilogy of movies that are tied together by...JEFFERY COMBS! Fuck yeah. This is from the 90's so chances are you may have seen it already...but I haven't. All I know is that I need to see this:


    I sincerely hope he pulls out a vial of glowing green liquid and brings him back to life.

    Mr. Gable's Reality UPDATE!

    Alrighty folks! Thanks for letting me do a little clean up around here. It was a little dusty but its looking a lot better now. I'm sure there's still a few things I'll be doing here or there but I can accept where this is and get back to BLOGGING ABOUT SHITTY MOVIES!!!

    So what's different?

    Honestly, not too much. Updated the reviews page. Check out all the tabs, there's a nice little picture in each of them now. Also you will notice TWO NEW PAGES, the Movie Pitches...so I can collect and keep all my stupid little movie pitches in one spot. And the other is PODCASTS! Which is under construction. Podcasting is something I've been thinking about doing for awhile and I think that its about time to pull the trigger. That way you can take Mr. Gable ON THE GO! Just download it and put it on your mp3 player or phone or whatever and listen to bad movie greatness on your way to work! It'll be awesome. (And I'll keep it short, like 15 min. so it doesn't drag on forever)

    The biggest update is the STORE tab. There I set up the store a little better. I'm A LOT happier with the zazzle store versus the cafepress store. I think its a lot easier to work with and you can do a lot more with it. (Plus it has a groovy little box I can post on this blog too!) I also added a Donation button if any of you are ever feeling generous and want to add to the bad movie fund. And then I posted a link to the book where my story "Tuesday's Suck" was published.

    But that's really about it. I just wanted to get that shit out of the way so I can move forward. As I was updating the reviews page I noticed that I haven't reviewed too much in the last couple of months so for the rest of June I'm going to concentrate on more reviews. I watch a lot of movies that I just don't review and I really need to. Because you all need to know of their greatness.

    Wednesday, June 8, 2011

    Blog Maintenance

    Hey everyone, in honor of the new banner I'm going to be doing a little blog maintenance over the next couple days so if you don't see me around here its because I'm updating everything. I've let everything pretty much go to shit over the past few months so I'm going to get everything all updated and pretty again. Sorry for the inconvenience of badness but to make up for it, enjoy this amazing trailer for Trail of the Screaming Forehead!


    OH SHIT! Dick Miller and the guys from Ghoulies 3 and Return of the Living Dead. I must own this movie.

    Tuesday, June 7, 2011

    Alamo Drafthouse, I salute you.

    So, the Alamo Drafthouse theatre has one simple rule...don't talk or text during a movie. Or they throw you out. You know, those people that are ALWAYS in a theatre after you just finished pissing away $40 on tickets and food and now they're ruining your movie.

    Well, this little bitch got busted for texting and after a warning she was kicked out. So she called up the theatre (and I'm assuming she's drunk) and left them a nice little voicemail...

    ...which the theatre is now using as a PSA against texting and talking during a movie.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!


    Fuck yeah, Alamo Drafthouse! Thank you for protecting the rights of others to enjoy a movie.

    Bad Movie MegaTwitterthon 6/4/11: Introduction to Destruction


    It was nearly a month in preparation, 2 weeks of solid announcements and reminders, over 30 grueling days of anticipation, but last Saturday it finally arrived. And we were all thrown into space.

    This is what you missed if you weren't there.

    Saturday was probably the most fun I've ever had on the internet and certainly the most fun I'll ever have on Twitter. (aside from Bad Movie MegaTwitterthon Part 2: Texas Blood Money of course [tagline complements of CG]) It was really a Mega-Event and I couldn't have imagined it going any better.

    Well...maybe a better final feature. (But that's what booze is for right!?)

    So my Saturday started out great. It was a beautiful Summer day. The temperature was just right, I got a lot of work done outside, and I talked my wonderful fiance into nerding out with us. It was about an hour before showtime when she finally said, "Fuck it, let's do this thing!" So we frantically made her a twitter account, got her all set up and ready to go. It was coming down to crunchtime and she mentioned that we should watch the first movie outside. Now, this was not what I had in mind for this thing. Originally I was going to set up my computer in my movie room downstairs and just sit through the whole thing there. BUT watching movie outside while tweeting about Far Cry sounded amazing to me. So after whipping this all up on the fly, we got started. AND we spent the first 40 minutes of the movie trying to get Twitter to work alongside the movie so we could see comments and watch the movie at the same time. It took some effort but we finally got everything running smoothly (and I was about 3 drinks in) and we were good to go.

    The night went better than I expected. We managed to get someone to go along with the WHOLE night. Thank you @365HorrorMovie, you're awesome! Another Rummie friend of mine. I was hoping that the movies we chose would be just good and just bad enough for us to make rabid comments....and for the most part they were. Except for RetarDEAD. I spent most of that movie apologizing to everyone. It was terrible. But MONSTURD WAS SO AWESOME!

    In the end, it was one hell of a night. We all made a big deal out of it, which I was excited to see. I loved how we all sat down and for the most part we all ate pizza, drank wildly, and ripped the shit out of these movies. It was...it was awesome.

    For your viewing pleasure, here are some highlights from Saturday:


    @glitterninja
    It's the psycho-reanimator music riff! Thank you, Uwe.
    Introducing Bargain Tom Berenger and Bargain Angelina Jolie
    Shh! I can't hear Emilio!
    I sense a sequel: Far Cry 2: Emilio Takes Manhattan
    I agree. This has been unacceptably boobless.

    @tromeric
    Let us TWAAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!
    First shot down the hatch. Am I playing a video game? Oh shit its Uwe. Uwe is my master.
    When your next role is a step down from playing Lex's wife on Smallville you are in an Uwe movie.
    Where is my first person shooter cam?
    He got the budget with the profits from Little Germany I am guessing.
    Its itchy, I guess he needs to learn the art of manscapeing.
    Seriously. Wheres my first person shooter cam? If we get Sega footage in House of the Dead we best get first person shooter cam.
    Yeah thanks to I spy I will be switching from Jager bombs to Spider Bites. Uwe. You owe me a liver.
    I am pouring out the rest of my beer in honer of Farcry.

    @mrsgable1
    so much awsome and its just starting
    thats what ill be doing in the morning sleeping it off ...lol
    itch better use protection to share the heat
    this fat guy is epic win
    i have to see this guys jazz hands
    that is one big sawsall
    plot line whales...oh where are the whales
    in the honor of greekdome i call for more wine

    @365HorrorMovie
    Wait, an Uwe Boll movie? Is this even fair? :)
    He's also a good cook and an excellent lover in additon to the killing skills
    Yay for the meaningless loss of henchmen lives!
    "I must also put my pee-pee in you, ya know, for warmth."
    Remind me to check the MOST OBVIOUS spot ever for security cameras next time I break into a super covert army base
    Her makeup holds up really well underwater, during gunfights, etc. Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's maybeline.
    Places that rent cheesy soldier costumes must love it when Uwe is making a move in their town.
    That wrap-around ending just forced me to drink straight from the bottle
    F*ck it! I'm for the next one. that was fun.

    @vinstem
    I use extreme aspect ratios to make up for my lack of directing!
    How do you do something this bad with this kind of budget??
    LOL women can't cook!
    lollolololo DANCE CAMP!!
    Pick one guy up and beat the others with him!!!
    Is there nothing buzzsaws can't do?
    SHOTGUN FACE! Nice
    What does a whole Frappacino and half a bottle of Vodka = PARTY?

    @morbidementia
    Yeah, I've got a bad feeling about this, too.
    "Too good of a story to pass up"? I doubt it, Uwe.
    Which is worse, making brainless monsters, or brainless movies? I'm looking at you, Uwe.
    Is that budding romance I smell, or is it just the fish?
    I wonder what the connection between Udo Kier and Uwe Boll is. Besides the 3-letter first name beginning with the letter U.
    Whew, good thing there are turrets randomly placed everywhere.
    Clothesline count: 5
    You shouldn't make jokes about being rated 2/10 in your movie that's rated 2/10.

    @mrgablesreality
    I see the reanimator soundtrack fits any movie
    this movie is a far cry...from awesome
    I want to wipe the shit out of that mans chin.
    I see you have the ray stevenson brand of super soldier
    this movie needs more explosions. Less dialogue
    I really wish warwick davis would show up and wisk this movie to the hood
    udo kier is shooting verbal bullets into my skull. Its awesome
    shut up. Udo kier is talking
    with all do respect...thats udo kier motherfucker. You do what he says. He says fuck a stump....you fuck a stump
    that 2X4 is the best actor in this movie
    the boat in thunder in paradise was better


    @glitterninja
    Are we ready for bears in space?
    ...did I just see wang?
    Nobody is tweeting because we're all too busy staring at those big meaty thighs.
    Haha that baby had total "fuck you" look when he got splashed by the stagehand
    Holy fuckballs, he just made ursa major
    I'm having trouble suspending my disbelief.
    Took at least 3 rolls of tinfoil to make that shield
    That chariot is gayer than Charles Nelson Reilly, Rip Taylor and Richard Simmons combined

    @tromeric
    Twat O Clock.
    Wow. Paper Mache meteors. I'm in.
    I got one of those crowns at Burger King when I was dick high.
    These solders don't take kindly to retroactive abortion.
    did he just throw a bear into space? I can die now.
    These scenes of bear action are more believable than a David De Coteau production.
    Log into a planet. Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
    I wanna see a Herc fight a shark. Second best Shark fight ever.
    Was that Castle Greyskull?
    What about A double rainbow? What would be there?
    Must hit one click order on amazon app. Now.

    @mrsgable1
    this looks like my 2nd grand science fair project
    this look like a cher music video
    ooo shiny object my fav
    magic pants dance... when is bowie sappose to enter
    yes bear action
    did anyone else watch the man bobbs shake
    i like that in this movie all the men are in short skirts and the women are clothed
    she just had sex with him with her eyes
    its log log its better than bad its wood
    not that i was expecting this to stay true to mythology but it totally does
    wait somewhere over the rainbow = hell?
    the labyrinth i new bowie was some where
    rainbow bright was in charge of cinematography

    @365HorrorMovie
    Something about a bear being thrown into space has me fired up.
    Bad guy logic is amazballs.
    I watched TREE OF LIFE earlier today and now just watched Hercules chuck a bear into space. My life is complete.
    I hope this movie is in the National Registry as a landmark achievement to be saved for future generations
    At least the bear has something to scratch its claws on now.
    Hercules is so lazy. Completely unnecessary use diverting a river.
    i just did 100 pushups. Thanks Lou for making me feel inadequate with your God-like muscles.
    Once again with the insane laziness. just do it yourself, Herc
    Rocks are more reliable than horses for space flight. Everyone knows that.
    Well, HERCULES was just about the most damn amazing movie ever.
    Obviously, I'm in for the last one now. I can't let this triple-threat of awesomeness pass me by.

    @vinstem
    Oh yeah, bears in space, please don't disappoint, Herculies
    Hercules! Space Android!!!!
    Mech Hydra is small and swells to full size
    where are the white woman at!?
    I need to OWN THIS!
    Chained and ready to be boned!!
    WOW! That was wAY better than I expected!

    @morbidementia
    The creation of the universe looked a lot like a disco dance party.
    So did Hercules rip off Moses, or did Moses rip off Hercules?
    Did Herc just agree to marry a girl without seeing her face? I thought he was deaf, not blind.

    @mrgablesreality
    hercules is now!!! OH SHIT! THIS IS A CANNON MOVIE!! YES!!!!!
    the neverending story could learn a lot from this movie
    I'd violate her temple
    wait is this hercules or jesus
    the eels of fate
    OH SHIT THE BEAR
    yes do it
    DO IT
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    I want to make sex with this movie so bad.
    DONT YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT MECHA HYDRA
    fuck yes...mechahydra is mecha'in me hard
    herc just got power ranger'd
    oh fuck, this movie just hulked out
    that sword is so takei


    @glitterninja
    I went out to get pizza so I officially have no clue what's going on
    I am genuinely laughing at the stupid cops, so I'm good for now
    Holy shit, I'm in love with the hot butch lesbian
    I will accept either Hercules or breasts in an effort to improve this movie
    I'm glad this was last, we might have lost people before we got to the glory that was Hercules
    I started drinking at the right time, saved it for this movie

    @tromeric
    Lets do this. So does a retardead zombie like eating its own ear?
    I'm not gonna lie. Off to a pretty awesome start. Can it keep up? I doubt it.
    Worst job ever. Pecker Snot scraper.
    I'm in for the Finnish. I got stamina like a ma fucker.
    Jim Wynorski would roll his eyes at this.
    Only 55 mins to get to tardead zombies. I want my baby back baby back baby back ribs.
    It is importent to put yourself through a bad movie from time to time. Makes you appreciate the good ones even more.
    We deserve a trophy.

    @365HorrorMovie
    Just hit play on RETARDED. This should be, um, interesting.
    RETARDED or HOW TO PAD OUT A RUNNING TIME BY MAKING SHITTY TRAILERS BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTS.
    Uteruses are good keepsakes. Everyone knows that.
    I'd rather lick semen samples off windows than listen to this sheriff guy act.
    Taking a shot at Freddy vs. Jason. My what big balls they have.
    First boob of the night and it's fake. FML
    fell asleep damnit.

    @vinstem
    well the movie title says it all
    Yeah, set the zombies free. Great idea!
    Did you see a sign in my front yard that reads "Deat Zombie Storage"?
    a priest a clown and 2 elderly people walk into a bar...
    man with so much blood and gore you'd think this would be better
    Well, at least RetarDEAD makes you glad it's over

    @morbidementia
    I don't think I've ever had to wait for zombies this long...
    They're trying to do grindhouse, but it smells more like outhouse.

    Wow, more exploding helicopters. Wasn't expecting that.
    An hour and 10 minutes into the zombie movie, and they just figured out they need to shoot the zombies in their heads. WOW.
    I'm totally hatewatching this movie. All. The. Way.
    Monsturd and Retardead both have awesome theme songs, I'll give em that.

    @mrgablesreality
    I don't even know if well get thru retardead were all too wasted.
    I'm sorry guys, next time we do this were picking a movie with nudity
    what smells like shit? This movie....aw yeah
    "pants shitting terror" hahahahahaha
    oh fuck! Did I shoot this movie!? Hahahahaha
    lsd ring at the elementary ah hahahahaha
    "Masturbator terrorizes neighborhood" is the greatest news headline of all time
    that dixsketch is horrifyingly accurate
    "since when is watchin pornos and drinkin beers official police business" hahahahaha
    is it wrong of me that I want to tap that zombie ass?
    electric chainsaw MASSACRE
    before you want to hate me for making you watch this....remember I made you watch hercules.
    this puking scene rivals the taint hahahahaha

    Be sure to check out everyone's twitter page and follow them!

    Monday, June 6, 2011

    New Banner!

    Hey Check it out! New banner!

    This really needed to happen. I've watched A LOT of amazing movies over the past year and this really needed to be updated with some of those...along with past favorites.

    (Also, I totally fucking lost my OLD banner when I posted the new one for the Netflix Instant Party. Fuck.)

    But that's ok, it needed a facelift anyway. I somehow managed to get this one WAY clearer so I'm very happy with it.

    Friday, June 3, 2011

    The greatest dinosaur movie in the new Millenium.

    I can't believe I kept passing this up.

    Look at that poster. Really look at it. I’m sure we’ve all come across this movie at the rental store (when there was rental stores) several times and I’m also sure that we’ve all been like…that looks like shit. Honest to god, a huge steaming 2-story tall pile of cattle shit. But it has Jeff Fahey in it so maybe it won’t be so bad…but still, that T-Rex looks an awful lot like a photoshop of The Lost World: Jurassic Park. WHAT DO I DO? And then you glance over at the “F”s and see there’s the latest Fast and the Furious movie sitting there and you’d rather sit through 90 minutes of pointless car chases and close up butt shots then chancing it with old Photo-Rex over there.

    But then, then you come to my blog. And I set you straight. I have NOT seen this movie. Actually I’ve only seen roughly 1 MINUTE of this movie (below) but I’m CONVINCED that we all need to see this masterpiece.

    Now, looking at that poster, my first thought is, “This looks like it came from SyFy. This is probably like all the rest of that SyFy made for TV shit that is full of terrible acting, stupid dialogue, and BAD BAD BAD CGI.” And I’m sure that’s what you’re all thinking too. (and for all I know, it is a SyFy movie)

    But we would be WRONG. (about the CGI) Not ONLY does this movie have practical effects but it has probably the greatest T-Rex I have EVER SEEN in a B movie. I mean, this thing is truly horrifying. So horrifying that your balls will recoil in terror.

    If you know me then you know that I love practical effects, no matter how cheesy. I’d rather sit through an entire movie full of shit props then have to deal with computer generated images.

    Enter: The EdenFormula. Directed by John Carl Buechner, the mastermind behind the original Troll. Starring Jeff Fahey, Tony Todd, and Dee Wallace: Bad Movie Legends at their finest. (although sadly, this clip does not show Jeff Fahey or Tony Todd…so I can only assume they are dead prior to this scene)

    Enjoy the fuck out of this. Have yourself a GREAT FRIDAY! We’ll see you HERE (actually on Twitter) TOMORROW NIGHT for the first ever joint triple-billed BAD MOVIE TWITTERTHON!!! (starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p time)

     I need to own this movie.

    Check out the trailer here. It looks amazing, kinda like it rips off Carnosaur 2, which rips of Aliens. (Actually in some circles this movie is referred to as Carnosaur 5 because it rips off footage from the Carnosaur trilogy) YES!

    Thursday, June 2, 2011

    REB BROWN IS BACK!! Night Claws Trailer is HERE!!!


    I can't contain my excitement for this movie. (So much so that I've already blogged about this once before) FUCKING REB BROWN IS BACK! (This is epic because he hasn't been in a movie for over a DECADE) Along with Ted Prior, star of Deadly Prey! AND FRANK STALLONE! Fuck yes. This movie is definitely one that should be on your radar. It's going to be so amazingly bad:


    The director of Deadly Prey is also the same director of this movie. And if this movie is anything like that movie: there's going to be well over 50 people dead by the end of this thing. I believe in David A Prior. He knows what we want, especially when it comes to Sasquatch movies. No story, no plots, just 90 minutes of Bigfoot TERROR! And god willing: A Reb Brown/Sasquatch boxing match.

    Please someone give Reb Brown and automatic weapon. Amazing things happen when he has an automatic weapon.

    Wednesday, June 1, 2011

    The FP is gonna OWN you!


    Sometimes in movies people do good things and other people do absolutely batshit crazy things. This is one of those batshit crazy things. THE FP is what happens when you take the post apocalypse, like say Mad Max, and combine it with the ever popular arcade game, Dance Dance Revolution. What happens is unadulterated WIN!

    Be warned, there's titties in this trailer. (for a brief second)

    Can't. Stop. Loving. This. TRAILER!

    This movie proves 2 things: 1, In the apocalypse Ford Taurus' will survive and 2, Everyone has decided that instead of kickboxing the shit out of each other like Jean Claude Van Damme, they've decided a more civilized form of ass whooping: Dance Dance Revolution Muhfuckas.

    I can not WAIT to see the training montage in this movie. Those fucking tires are gonna get PWND. I love training montages so much. This movie is going to have an epic montage. Fuck yes.

    I still can't believe someone made this movie. I really wish I could track down the filmmakers and buy them a beer. You know these bastards are awesome. Because really, this is like one of those concepts that are invented at a party. Everyone's drinking, someone has their PS3 version of Dance Dance. Then someone mentions Mad Max and then someone else is like holy shit! Wouldn't that be awesome if Dance Dance was the kickboxing of the apocalypse. HAHAHAHA Like the way disputes are settled in Robot Jox, with giant robots? HAHAHAHA We need to make this movie.

    And then they follow through for SEVERAL MONTHS, never losing sight at the epicness of Dance Dance of the Apocalypse. Amazing.

    I can't thank Tromeric at Guts and Grog enough for introducing me to this movie. I can't wait for it to come out. Speaking of: I can't find any information on where this thing is currently. That trailer up there was for SXSW, so I assume it's making some rounds at conventions. Hopefully we'll see this shit by year end. We need this. It's the movie we never knew we wanted.