The "When Will Gable Crack?" CONTEST!!

Yesterday I announced The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween 2011: Countdown to Insanity. This kind of thing deserves more than just torturing myself for your entertainment. OH NO, you deserve to win something as well.

Now, I fully expect to survive October. I have been looking forward to this since FEBRUARY. (That's when I first had this idea) But I can't argue with certain factors of life that may hinder my finishing the Countdown to Insanity.

• First and foremost: Mrs. Gable. She lives here. She has to put up with me. And I had to make a deal with the devil to make this thing happen. On top of putting my endurance to the test, I also have to make sure she is 100% happy. That means daily "I love you's", foot rubs, getting things for her when she asks me to. In other words: Kissing some serious ass.
• That being said: If I get out of line because I'm tired or I can't keep up with her demands and the demands of this household: I'm Fucked.

(I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this....)

• Sleep. When I don't get enough of it, I tend to get a little cranky. This is BIG with the Misses part. If I slip up and snap back at her for no reason or I'm just a generally crummy person, it's off.
• Sleep...again. If I oversleep one day. If I don't get up at 5 am one morning (including weekends) and I'm not down here doing my thing in time to get that post up before 8am...it's over. Rules is Rules.
• Next is work. Fucking with my sleep could have unforeseen consequences at work. If that happens, I gotta call it off. But they provide free coffee so I'll be ok.
• Pressure. I got a lot going on in October. Aside from ALL that amazingness I described yesterday, I also have parties and chores to keep up with. (getting ready for winter, etc.) So that may also cause a slip.

That being said: When Will Gable Crack? When will I fuck up? How long will I be able to survive this endurance challenge until I snap?


Pick a date, that's all you have to do.
(also, put your name and contact info (email/twitter/facebook whatever)


Pick any date and if that date is the closest AFTER my snap date, then you're the winner! (example: You pick 10/18 and I snap 10/19, the person who chose 10/23 wins.) And if you think that I can make it the entire month, I thank you for your support. I'll do everything I can to not let you down.

(If a bunch of people pick the same date and that date wins then all those people that chose that date will be thrown into the Big Blue Bowl of Destiny and the winner will be chosen by fate.)

SO WHAT CAN YOU WIN!?

You get a choice of any of these slightly used and in good condition films: Critters on DVD, Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 on DVD (the extremely NOT special edition), Castle Freak on VHS, OR...

The Mystery Movie. You'll find out after you've won.

Contest is open until Midnight on Monday October 3rd. Pick a date. Win something awesome. God help me.

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween 2011: COUNTDOWN TO INSANITY!!

October is on the horizon so that only means one thing: It’s time for the 31 Baddest Days of Halloween!

You'll hit play and continue reading if you know what's good for ya.

31 Days of Batshit Insanity, 31 Days of Unadulterated Badness, 31 Days of Movies you really want nothing to do with! RIGHT HERE, FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF OCTOBER! Brought to you by none other than myself: Mr. Gable.

Let’s do this thing.

Last year I counted down the 31 greatest films of Charles Band and this year I have something truly special locked, cocked, and ready to unload.

Creating a countdown isn’t just a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-britches type of operation. (at least not for me) This is truly THEE main event of any horror blogger. After last years event, I let my mind wander and wander trying to come up with something really great to follow up last years list. I thought about the 31 Days of Roger Corman, I thought about 31 Days of Shitty Horror Sequels, but I kept falling back on one thing: I haven’t seen them all. At least not enough to take pride in a 31 day countdown. Then it hit me:

I like to up myself. I like to do something and then the next time I do it, take it to the next level. This year isn’t so much a countdown of particular films but a countdown of myself. Endurance is the name of the game. This year WILL BE the 31 Baddest Days for Mr. Gable. I have a list so rancid, TerrorVision would have a tough time stomaching it. This year is:

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween 2011

COUNTDOWN TO INSANITY!

That’s right, 31 days of the absolute WORST horror movies ever made. Some of it name brand, most of it absolute shit. You see, I like to acquire movies. A lot of movies. So much so that I have a wall of over 200 movies that I have bought and never watched. It’s a bit overwhelming to look at and this October I’m going to put a dent in it. I ALSO have a long list of crap that’s been sitting in my Netflix Instant queue FOREVER and they need to get the hell out of there. SO…that being said: here’s what’s going on:

I’m going to get up EVERY morning at 5am sharp CST. (I picked 5am because it’s the only time I have consistently available AND it adds to the endurance of it all) I’m going to be in the Gable Cave shortly after 5 with a cup-o-coffee in one hand and a really shitty movie in the other. I will announce via Twitter which Endura-Flick I have lined up and proceed to suffer through it ALSO via Twitter. So think Bad Netflix but at a time nobody will be watching. The reason I do this is so that YOU know I’m not fucking around. There’ll be time stamped proof. You’ll know this is actually happening everyday, right away, no exceptions. (this will be KEY for tomorrow’s post)

BUT WAIT! YOU GET TO HELP TORTURE ME!

MONDAY – THURSDAY I will choose a movie out at random. (Reason being: I have well over 31 movies picked out and I don’t feel like widdling it down. Besides: It’ll be a “fun” surprise for all of us. In preparation, I’ve written down all the titles at my disposal and put them into a giant bowl, from this moment forward to be called: The Big Blue Bowl of Destiny, and I will let the bowl decide my fate.)

BEHOLD THE GLORY OF THE BIG BLUE BOWL OF DESTINY!

FRIDAY is reader’s choice. Starting sometime Saturday or Sunday I will post 5 movies off to the right of this blog -----> and you will get to vote on which one you want to see me tortured with. These movies will be picked on the sheer amount of endurance needed to survive them. They will be the baddest of the bad. It’s going to be epic.

SATURDAY I will be playing a little game I like to call Bad Movie Roulette. I will put together 5 movies on a roulette wheel (or more likely on the floor) and give it a spin. I’m going to be filming the roulette wheel so you know I’m not cheating and you’ll also get to enjoy the brutahlity.

SUNDAY is Gable’s pick. There are a handful of movies that have just been sitting there SO LONG that I keep ignoring and now they are getting their 90 minutes of fame. OH GOD HELP ME!!

HALLOWEEN MONDAY will be something special. You can view it as an extension of Gable’s Pick Sunday but Halloween Monday will be a special pick. Why? Because it's fucking Halloween. Halloween will showcase a cult movie so bad that even I haven’t been able to survive it....yet. I’ve tried twice (once sober and once drunk) and I just can’t get through it. Not this time. The power of Halloween will get me through!

(Also, all movies not chosen during the Friday vote or the Saturday Roulette will be automatically entered into the Big Blue Bowl of Destiny. There's no escaping them)

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

Each daily post will work like a survival log. There’ll be a mini review and perhaps some notable quotes from Twitter. There will be an Insanity Meter included with each daily post. Stop by everyday to see what I’ve punished myself with and just how insane I am. I’m not sure of what the scale will be yet but I can assure you that it won’t be pretty.

Also, above the voter to the right I will include a kill counter. I’ve set a personal goal of 500 deaths in 31 days. Is that even possible? Maybe, if you take into effect the following:

There’s this nifty facebook game that’s going to be played during the month of October appropriately called THE MADNESS. Basically you get points for watching movies and you get bonus points if the movie you’re watching meets certain criteria (I.E. a part 4 or higher/gratuitious nudity). This years theme is SLASHER HORROR. You get more points for Slasher movies. SO…on top of the 31 day countdown, I will ALSO be playing the mega horror movie watching game. (You’ll see weekly posts showcasing the movies I’ve watched for that week and explanations for points earned) I will be counting these movies WITH the total kill count for the month.

And just today over and Krell Laboratories they announced the 31 Day October challenge which is exactly what I'm doing here. Add in a Mega-Amazing Bad Netflix Party (to be announced) AND my annual Halloween Horrorthon and we got ourselves one hell of an October!

So sit down and keep your internet dials tuned to Mr. Gable’s Reality the entire month of October as I countdown 31 of the most enduring Horror Movies of all time and follow along as I take a dive into darkness.

This is...

THE 31 BADDEST DAYS OF HALLOWEEN!

Zomb'asians: Thongs of the Dead

This is how you start out a week.

I have no idea about a release date, but I hope it's soon. Check out the official website for some behind the scenes stuff and to read the synopsis. Like anyone cares about that.

heh, boobs. thongs. Zombies. This is gonna be awesome.

Alcohol Paul reviews: Crossroads (2002)

Hey, everyone. Let's have a round of applause for my friend Alcohol Paul! He's back from review land and he's got something special for you:

Crossroads is proof that sometimes even the best ideas come back to haunt you.

You see that shit? Special Collector’s Edition. How cynical of the movie studio to put out a DVD aimed at the mentally handicapped market. What chutzpah to assume that even special people would be dumb enough to watch this shitpile. They’re not. Mister Gable and I, however, are a different story.

For Mr. Gable’s birthday last year I was buying him some crappy movies on VHS (he’s so easy to shop for). I was crunched for time and couldn’t hunt down something special, like a copy of Blood Beach.

“Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water… You can’t get across the beach!” Fuck yeah! Blood Beach might be slow and lacking on explicit gore, but Burt Young spends the entire movie bitching about how much LA sucks compared to Chicago. I spent four years in Chicago and have never been to LA. I can tell you that he’s absolutely correct.

I should really turn this into a review of Blood Beach and forget about Crossroads altogether. But much like a ‘Nam vet who keeps having flashbacks to the un-godly horrors he’s seen, Crossroads cannot be forgotten.

Even the semi-nude scenes weren’t good.

Since I’m bringing up her looks I might as well get this outta the way: I never found Britney Spears attractive. I was 17 when she first became famous and to be honest there were tons of girls at my high school that I’d have imagined boning ahead of her (and I say imagined because that’s the only kind of action I got back then… or now). I know this sounds funny, but not every guy thinks a girl should put makeup on with a paint sprayer.

(Here’s a head scratcher: I’m trying so hard to avoid reviewing Crossroads that even in the middle of my review of it I find myself wondering if being 30 and fondly recalling sexual fantasies I had about the teenage girls I knew when I was a teen makes me a pedophile after the fact. I’m going to ask former pro-wrestler Man Mountain Rock.)

(Shit, even he is stumped by this conundrum.)

I know that most of this review has gone completely off track onto a bunch of shit that has less and less to do with Crossroads. I have little intention of getting back to that *shudder* thing too quickly. So far all you know is that I was having trouble finding tapes to give to Mr. Gable for his birthday.

Unable to locate some funky old horror movie or anything of that quality, I figured I’d go a much worse direction. Inspired by the numerous tapes of "Backstreet Boys live in Hungary" I figured I'd start looking for something in the same vein. Suddenly, it was like the world opened up. A movie with Lance Bass? Yes, please. What’s this? Crossroads? I laughed and grabbed the tape, exalting in my own evil. I took a moment to reconsider. Did I really want to make him suffer through this? Even months after the fact I wasn’t sure if I should even publicly admit to the suffering I inflicted upon Gable. Then he reviewed Twilight because Fem-Gable-Tron (AKA, Mr. Gable’s better half) forced him to watch it. And she’s going to make him see the sequels too. It was only now under these circumstances that a little Crossroads can seem like a good joke.

I trembled at the 50 cent price tag. Could I possibly be obtaining this much victory for less than a dollar? I flashed back to one of my college roommates. He was called Gay/Not Gay Matt. GNG Matt hated the nickname, because everyone who met him assumed he was a flaming homosexual. Something about the gelled, spikey, highlighted hair, the Bea Arthur autograph (really!), the Bette Midler obsession, Backstreet Boys/N’Sync/Christina Aguilera/Jessica Simpson/Britney Spears fixation, the musical theater major… Yes, somehow people assumed he was gay. He vehemently opposed this notion. Also he hated black people. These days I’ve heard he’s out of the closet and has a preference for big black men.

Apparently my old roommate suffers from severe neck pain these days.

So anyway, I’m at the store with Crossroads in hand and Gay Not Gay Matt pops up on one shoulder. He tells me what a great movie he saw on opening night. On the other side, Openly Gay Matt appears and starts singing his single, “That’s How I Roll.” Sorry, I won’t be linking to it. Even in Mr. Gable’s Reality there is a limit to how much badness can be tolerated.

It is decided. I shall buy Crossroads and give it to Mr. Gable.

You should have seen his smile turn to a look that can only be called Crossroaded. It’s like the opposite of McBaining. Total failure and misery from one gift wrapped tape. YES! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Several months later I’ve forgotten all about this gift. Mr. Gable fiendishly invites me over to his house for a party involving one or two dozen alcoholic beverages. I awake on an air mattress with Mr. Gable standing over me, laughing and waiving the tape around. I’m hung over and I have to watch whatever he puts in his Pokemon branded VCR (that’s an exaggeration. His Pokemon VCR is a backup).

The tape goes in. Ah, the good old days when you could fast forward through all the warnings and shit. I’M NOT GONNA PIRATE CROSSROADS YOU STUPID FUCKS!

The movie itself is like a long drinking binge, only filtered through the eyes of a 13 year old girl. I swear, I only remember tiny chunks of vaguely interconnected bits of “story.” It’s like the screenwriters sat down and tried to write in the stream of nonstop stupidity that 13 year olds talk in. “OhmyGod, there-were-these-girls-who-are-all-BEST-FRIENDS-FOREVER-and-they-buried-a-box-of-their-dreams-to-be-opened-in-like-7-years-when-they-graduate-high-school-and-then-Britney-is-singing-along-to-Madonna-on-her-bed-and-she’s-so-pretty-and-then-her-dad-who-was-the-auto-parts-king-in-Tommy Boy-comes-in-and-OMIGOD! IT’S HER GRADUATION DAY! She’s-still-friends-with-the-black-girl-but-not-the-dark-haired-one-who’s-all-goth-and-pregnant-now. She had sexxxxxxxx without true love, gross!

Can’t. Go. On. Plot. So. Fucking. Stupid. And so far I’ve only given the exposition.

On a brighter note, Alice Cooper’s sequel to Welcome To My Nightmare is out now, called Welcome 2 My Nightmare. I’m listening to it right now and it’s damn good.

I’ve followed Alice Cooper for years now. I’ve seen him 6 times in 11 years, road tripping way out of my way twice for him because Minneapolis sucks. I remember seeing him on the Brutal Planet tour. For his encore he had a t-shirt that said Britney Wants Me. He turned around and it revealed that she wants him DEAD. A few years later when he was flogging Dirty Diamonds he reached into his goodie bag and came up with a late 70s album cut about a drunken floozy in Beverly Hills. Why would he play a song only his hardcore fans would recognize? At the end of the song one of his daughters, dressed like a slut, stumbles out on stage in a Britney Spears outfit and Alice “murdered” her onstage. On his previous tour they had “Britney” interrupt his show with some generic techno pop to be murdered onstage.

MY GOD! JUST THINKING OF ALICE COOPER MURDERING BRITNEY SPEARS IS GIVING ME THE STRENGTH TO KILL HER HERE!

HA HA HA HA! YES! GO MINI-BILL DUKE AGAINST MEGA-BRITNEY SPEARS!

The Asylum needs to get on making that right away. MS Paint is such a great program.

For anyone who’s made it this far, I congratulate you. You see, this review is sort of like Crossroads plot. NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE! There are only the barest connections from scene to scene.

So, the three girls who aren’t besties anymore open up their box of dreams (not a vagina, alas), and they’re reminded of a simpler time. Cause high school is soooo complicated. This for some reason leads to Britney and Co. deciding to go on a road trip to a record contract audition. Not a contest or show like American Idol. Apparently a major American record company just couldn’t find anyone actively seeking a contract, or something. Ugh.

Our three idiots go on the road with this SuperCuteHotGuy because he has a car, but everyone in town thinks he killed someone. God, even when I’m not trying to sound like a 13 year old speaking in run on sentences… Sigh… This movie is a run on sentence.

Anyway, they hit the road, but then the girls start disappearing one by one. The cute guy insists he has nothing to do with it, and suspicion mounts as they all… Whoops, that is where I wish the movie went. Not here. Sorry.

So, like, the girls run out of money after about one day on the road and they win money at a karaoke contest to keep going. Britney wins it with her rendition of “I Love Rock & Roll.” I’ll bet that she thinks Little Richard is sort of like Weird Al, but a rapper. Okay, it’s easy to crack jokes about Britney sitting down with a vinyl copy of Buddy Holly’s greatest hits, or searching the net for a rare copy of Link Wray’s “Climbing Up a High Wall.” But instead I’ll just get MS Paint out and have Joan Jett kill Britney Spears.

Funny, I didn’t have to do anything. Swear to god that’s a real photo without alteration.

Oh, did I mention Britney is a virgin? That’s like a big plot point. She’s got a boyfriend in LA. Yeah, she’s not the one who wants the record deal. It’s one of the other ones. She’s just going along to see her guy.

So they get to LA and Britney goes to see her guy, and there’s some other girl in his apartment. Must be that he’s cheating if he comes within 10 feet of any female. Even his mom.

Not really sure if she leaves and comes back later with her pregnant friend or not, but somehow her pregnant friend shows up, and you know what? HE’S DRINKING FROM A BLUE BOTTLE OF BEER!!! (Sorry, what? You see the sex she had to get pregnant wasn’t consensual and all she remembered was that he had a bottle of blue beer.)

Well, as we all know, blue bottles of beer can only be obtained by one person in the world, so this boyfriend isn’t just a cheater, but he’s a rapist too. I know, I know, by this point you’re all expecting some rape jokes. Let me be clear. That shit’s not funny.

But you know what is? Miscarriage.

Somehow the pregnant friend falls down a flight of stairs shortly after discovering the Blue Bottle of Fate. It was at this point that the movie provided my only moment of pleasure because I know what a pregnant fall down some stairs means.

Cut to the hospital. Yup. I was right! Commence humping air in victory!

Well, it’s all pretty much over from here. Britney nails the SuperCuteHotGuy who drove them across country because he’s been nice the last few days. It must be true love. Then her dad, Dan Aykroyd shows up to collect his paycheck, or maybe bring Britney home. Not sure which. Anyway, Britney tells her dad she wants to stay in LA with SuperCuteHotGuy (even though he hasn’t said he wants to move there permanently). And she’s gonna be a star too!

No points for guessing that her friend who wanted the record deal pussied out and tells Britney to try out instead. AND SHE WINS!!!!!!111Eleven!

Normally I would try to have some sort of critical thought about the movie. Not possible here. Yes, I can dissect and write a college paper on Death Wish 3, but this movie stopped me cold. All it did was confirm my suspicions about stairs and abortions.

Stairs are cheaper than a coat hanger. That’s what I learned from Crossroads.

You can check out Alcohol Paul's other review's here and here.

IT LIVES!! THE CHAINSAW MAFIA RETURNS!!!

It was over a year ago when I was asked by Mafia Headhunter Jamie Jenkins to be a writer for The Chainsaw Mafia. At that time I was really excited to write and really pumped to throw out my...ummm...unique perspective on all things horror.

That request is why I am here now. I was SO excited to get going that I just couldn't wait for the website to get redesigned and ready rock and roll, so I started my own. Just a little side project to keep myself motivated and hone my writing skills. And those skills...have crashed down to a mere "HOLY SHIT THAT'S AWESOME!" writing style.

Which, in all honesty, IS fucking awesome.

BUT! The Chainsaw Mafia is BACK! It's alive and it wants to eat all of you...but not before disemboweling you a la Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So welcome back the Mafia and say hello to their newest writer:

Me.

**And don't worry, I'm not going anywhere.

Aliens vs Avatars: from the director of THE AMAZING BULK!

When I first saw the cover for Aliens vs Avatars I was like, "Oh ha ha ha, The Asylum made a sequel to Alien vs Hunter, ha ha ha." But then I looked a little deeper and saw this:

HOLY SHIT! I KNOW THAT GUY! THAT'S THE GUY THAT WROTE AND DIRECTED THE AMAZING BULK! YES!

I don't care what this movie is about, the fucking cover is awesome and I've seen the quality of Mr. Schoenbrun's work: This movie is gonna own. See for yourself:

WHOA! There's some actual production value there too! YES! The kills in this movie are gonna be awesome. I've already seen TWO in a 40 second trailer, at that rate there should be what, like, 3000 kills total? (Bad Movie Math Not So Good) YES!

Hey, it's HEAVILY INFLUENCED by some recent movies, of course, but who cares? This is from the director of The Amazing Bulk, has a sweet cover, and actually looks pretty well made. Move over Aslyum, Lewis Schoenbrun is taking over.

This came out on DVD yesterday,  you can buy it here. Also, check out this website that has it included on their roster. I assume its the official website.

I can't be bothered right now...

...I'm preparing for:

THE 31 BADDEST DAYS OF HALLOWEEN!

It is going to be epic. Details soon.

One fan's appreciation for the works of Robin Sydney

As I write this, I am currently watching Gingerdead Man. Gingerdead Man if you do not already know (and if you don't, you need to fucking find this shit. Gary Busey's FINEST moment) is one of Full Moon's epic horror movies about a psycho killer turned murderous killer gingerbread man a la Child's Play. Now as I watch this I am feeling a moment of clarity. Complete and utter clarity. And that clarity has a name:

Robin Sydney

I have seen her 3 times before. Evil Bong. Evil Bong 2: King Bong, and Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong. Now, maybe my views of Robin Sydney are a little off but I was under the impression that she was a one way street actress. In the Evil Bong series, she plays a total bitch. She is just that unlikeable woman that is the girlfriend of the guy that everyone wishes he'd dump. But they never break up because she knows how to work the angles and keep him JUST happy enough to stick around.

Now we come to Gingerdead Man. Her character is blowing my mind. She plays a baker who is AS WE SPEAK baking Gary Busey in cookie form. It's so fucking win. BUT there's Robin Sydney...being the most likable innocent little cutey the likes of which Zooey Deschanel could only hope to achieve.

What a fucking range. I honestly have never appreciated an actress as much as I do right now.

Last April I packed up some friends and drug them out to the theatrical showing of Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong. It was an amazing trip and I got to meet my hero Charles Band. That man is my life. It's the whole reason I am here, doing this, writing about amazingly bad movies. But that doesn't matter, what does matter is that besides the appearance of Charles Band, Robin Sydney was also in attendance. WOW. She was there. She fucking HUGGED ME. An actress. Hugged. Me. An event that will probably never happen again...at least nowhere in the near future, and what was my reaction....uggghhh....she's cutting into my Charles Band time. Go away.

What the fuck Gable. You have a pretty young up and coming actress touching you and you aren't the least bit interested. And I honestly regret ever feeling that way. I wish I wish I would've known her for more than Evil Bong. My extensive history with bad movies often times clouds my judgement. There are so many actors that are just STUCK as one type of character. Van Damme is always kicking ass, Buck Flower is always a drunken hobo, and Steven Seagal hasn't figured out how to speak to anyone without judo chopping them in the face. And these feelings carried over to Robin Sydney. She played a total bitch 3 times in 3 movies (same character) and I completely typecast her. As far as I was concerned, she's a total bitch.

WRONG.

No more. She really has a talent. I wouldn't place her amongst the most experienced and elite actresses.........yet...but she really has some potential here. I think if the right people mined this gold mine (no pun intended) that she could be a real somebody. She has the looks, she is very comfortable in front of the camera, she just needs to find that right movie that'll shoot her up the ladder.

Sadly, that won't happen with Full Moon. Of course, nerds like me that rage over Full Moon will know and adore her, but any normal person will miss this wonderful find. Looking over her IMDb profile, I'm very happy to see that she does a lot of stuff outside of Full Moon. I hope that catches a few eyes and she gets parts in big budget movies. Bruce Campbell once said that his career either meant big roles in small movies or small roles in big movies. I hope she has that kind of career. I want her to see the big time but I still want her to stay in KILLER FUCKING COOKIE movies.

Please don't turn into the new-age Demi Moore.

I'm sure I will catch a little flack for this but I appreciate the fact she doesn't do nudity. Ok, I don't know that she doesn't do nudity, I haven't seen the growing list of films she has starred in BUT the fact that she was in Evil Bong 1-3, a series built upon weed and nudity, and WASN'T naked in those movies says a lot to me. She has some standards. That's good. I would much rather see that she makes it up the hill using her god given talent over just splashing her tits all over the screen every chance she can get.

And if she does do nudity? uh, fuck yeah. We all want to see it. But I would like to think it's as tasteful as you can get. I love nudity as much as the next guy (hell today, I've seen over 10 sets of tits from several different movies) but for one reason or another I want to watch this chick act. I'm loving what she brings to the table. Even if it wants to kill me. (Get it, killer cookie) I guess what I'm saying is that I'd rather remember her talent over her tits. The tits I've seen today....are already forgotten.

So, what I'm trying to say is....check out Robin Sydney. Maybe don't necessarily check out her Full Moon films (which you fucking should anyway), but check out movies like The Lost, Big Bad Wolf, or the new Night of the Living Dead 3D sequel coming out soon. I'm really fucking pumped for that last one. This just shows hope for Robin. NOTLD 3D stars 2 major horror actors: Jeffrey Combs and Andrew Divoff. The trailer looks amazing and the fact that Robin Sydney is in it just shows me that someone is noticing her. I hope this continues.

The Robin Sydney train is boarding (again, no pun intended), you best get on before you get left behind. This is one ride worth taking.

Own a piece of Panman for only $10!! (and help out a great cause)

A few weeks ago I started the "Help Panman fight Breast Cancer" fund. We've received some funds from all you generous bad movie freaks but we need just a little bit more. If we reach a goal of $200 Panman himself will battle breast cancer specifically for Reality readers!

But we've only got ONE WEEK LEFT!  

(Deadline is September 23rd)

I've been talking with Panman and since we're on the homestretch for the event, we've decided to PAN THOSE PRICES IN HALF! That's right!

If you donate $10, you will receive a signed picture of Panman! 

(And to be fair to those who've already donated, you will receive 2. I will be in contact with you soon to see who you want them made out to)

Get in on the Panman Pandemic before the general public gets its hands on this. Be the first to say: I was part of the Panman army LONG before anyone else. (We'll be GENERALS!) And help out a good cause. This is what it's all about friends. We are the brothers and sisters of bad. We look out for our own.

Thank you.

Click here for all the details on the fundraiser. You can either donate to me below and I will forward it to Panman along with all your details or you can donate right to the breast cancer fund. If you do that be sure to include your name and address and state somewhere that you were referred by Mr. Gable.

Bad Netflix Marathon THIS SATURDAY! (plus update)

PART 4: THE SEARCH FOR NETFLIX'S GOLD!

We search, we discover, YOU SUFFER! This Saturday we're coming back with a triple feature so rancidly awesome, you'll need to hire a nurse to monitor your vitals. We've got:

SHERLOCK HOLMES VS A T-REX!

NINJAS VS THE KKK!

ZOMBIES AT THE PROM!

Get all the details for this evening here. You can find start times, a list of Twitter followers, and everything you need to know to participate. Let's show these movies who's boss.

ALSO!

The Bad Netflix Crew has some big updates! We just started up our website, check it out here. That is where all of the big updates concerning The Bad Netflix parties will be happening.

You can now find The Bad Netflix Crew on facebook and Twitter (and with the hashtag #badnetflix) as well. So join in there to also catch up on what we are up to. We've also set up an email if any of you have any questions.

See you Saturday!

Cyborgs do battle with Dracula in: MANBORG

This is all teaser at this point but it's enough to poke my head over the cubicle walls.

The film is about a soldier who gets killed fighting in a war against hell only to come back as a cyborg in the future. He then teams up with a crew of colorful characters to fight Dracula. There’s going to be stop-motion monsters, arena battles, and hoverbikes! And kung-fu and demon-nazi-vampires.

This needs to be in my DVD player like yesterday.

This looks like they took everything that makes bad movies bad, whether they be 80s or today, and made this movie. Cheesy acting, bad effects, bad CGI, bad stop motion, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. This movie had better not try too hard or its gonna suck. For now...I will wait eagerly for its release.

Check out the official website for less information than you see here. But there's more posters!

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Twilight (2008) Part 2

 

In BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Twilight (2008) Part 1 I let loose on all the reviewers of this movie. (Srsly, WTF?) Now let's take a look at the movie itself:

My inner child, getting ready to piss all over this thing.

Vampires are fast. So are roadrunners. The vampires in this movie, more specifically Edward, run just like a roadrunner. They launch to full speed in the blink of an eye and stop just as fast without even a hint of lurching forward from their own momentum. Who the fuck thought that would look good? When Edward hauled Bella up the hill, I honestly thought this movie had turned into Hercules for a minute. It was THAT cheesy. I can't believe this passes for mainstream. Thinking back to when I was 16 and thinking shitty big budget movies like Battlefield: Earth were awesome (which it totally is) I can't honestly believe that I would have thought that was appealing whatsoever.

The dialogue is fucking awful. Unless your me. Then the dialogue is AMAZING. The responses from main characters was just so mindblowingly careless that all I can do is flip my hands up and laugh. Like Edward tells Bella that he's a vampire, and she's like "ok", and then he tells her how violent, unpredictable, and dangerous he is, and she's like "uh huh, I love you," and the he tells her that he could snap at any moment and kill her and she responds with a "I don't believe that. You love me." WOW. This is a blood thirsty creature doing everything in his power to tell you that he can't control himself and he WILL kill you. Or turn you. To which you give not ONE SINGLE FUCK.

Get your head out of your ass lady. The entire movie she is so caught up in his prettiness to see anything else. Especially in the end where their love seems endless...after only not even a month of knowing each other. But look at that chin and those abs. Who could argue with that? "God damn he's hot" is not a good lesson to be teaching Tweens everywhere. But who am I?

The only thing that I really did like was when Edward stopped the van. The first 30 seconds of this clip are well spent.

That's pretty awesome. No dumb fucking effects, no talking, just ACTION! He just "shows up", stops the van with his manness, meets her eyes, and vanishes like nothing happened. That's how you put a man and woman together in a movie.

Now there's one final thing that I need to talk about that really turned me off to this movie. I'm going to try and contain myself because my rage with said subject is quite extensive. I've had a few days to cool off so I think it'll be ok. But here goes:

FUCK YOU K STEW, FUCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR SHOULDER SHRUGGING, LINE STUDDERING, AWKWARD PAUSING, LIP BITING, CONTORTED FACE!

God I can't stand her. I used to think she was SO HOT. Like Zathura, she was amazing. (probably because of the lack of K. Stew in that movie) And then I found out I was a pedophile cuz she was only 15 in that movie. Fuck me! So that ended that immediately. Then she's just barely legal in Twilight. Fucking lady, your not ready for acting. That fucking video above can't point out every flaw you have. Your delivery is awful, your face...I just don't know what your doing with it, WHY do you keep shrugging your shoulders like everyone is asking you why you're so stupid (ummm...I dunno), what the fuck is wrong with you? Cut the shit. There's no swooning. Where's the swooning? Instead I get some big fucking question mark. I don't get it.

But in the end we all know what this movie is about. Edward. Plain and simple. This movie is targeted for 12-16 year old young ladies that ARE swooning for Edward. Well, I'll have you know that there's only ONE Edward for me.

So say we all.

Mr. Gable remembers 9/11

I remember. You remember. It will never be forgotten. Something terrible happened that day. But from the ashes rose a new life. You can't beat us down. We get back on our feet. We are America.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Twilight (2008) Part 1

Someone kill me.

Just let me know when Gable.

Oh yeah. Twilight happened.

I can just hear all the WHAT THE FUCKS!!?? out there on the other end of the wire. (Probably because there's supposed to be a review of Creature here but that fell through so I spent the night at home) I'll just have you know: I have a fiance. And she's a fucking chick. A CHICK. So these kinds of movies come with the territory. Somehow I managed to fend it off this long.

Long enough to read many many rage reviews over this movie...and taking ALL of that into consideration: Let's take a look at Twilight.

You may want to grab a pair of sunglasses.

Let's list off all the things you already know. This is a vampire love story. Classic girl moves to small town, doesn't fit in, meets a vampire, falls in love with his shiny gold cock. The vampires in this movie are daywalkers. This movie stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. There's an enemy vampire out to kill Bella (Stewart) and it's up to Edward (Pattinson) to protect her.

These details have already been chronicled in great detail over and over and over by EVERY FUCKING PERSON WITH A MOUTH. You ask someone about Twilight and they scream, FUCKING SCREAM, about daylight glitter vamps. "OH fucking vampires don't walk by day, they're night creatures. This movie is so lame"

YOUR FUCKING LAME. Who ever said vampires need to be night only? There's a long list of movies that have daytime vampires (Live Evil for one) Who cares? Honestly. There's 7000 vampire movies. It's nice to see SOME of them break the mold. I suppose zombies can ONLY stumble. (I actually agree with that point but I still admire running zombies. Those fucking things freak me out)

And glitter. Calm the fuck down. It's a teen movie. This movie wasn't made for you. It wasn't made for me. It wasn't made for anyone over 16. If you're over 16 and love this movie, you need your head checked. Teen movies, teen horror specifically, is getting soft. That's just the trend right now. It'll die. All trends die. Movies like The Taint and Hobo With A Shotgun are getting HUGE underground followings because they are the exact OPPOSITE of this shit. It's what WE want. So eventually those kinds of movies will become mainstream...and then they'll die out. It's just the natural 10 year cycle of amazing movies. It peaked at 1980-1989. No question.

The peak of perfection.

Let's talk about Twilight as a teen movie for a second. I read review after review of this movie...ALL of them seasoned horror vets like you and me and they fucking rag on everything about this movie. Honestly, you expected DIFFERENT? Wow. Looking at that cover just makes me think this is going to be a gore filled splatterfest the likes of which Peter Jackson has never seen. Just calm down people. Nobody cares. You're just recycling what every other person is thinking. Like I said, if you're over 16 and critically analyzing this movie....you're a moron.

That being said...let's break this thing down. (see what I did there?) Let's break it down the only way I know how...let's check out the better side of bad...

...on Monday.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Attack the Block (2011)

I'll be honest here, I never had any real intention of watching Attack the Block. People everywhere were talking about it but I never had any desire to burn up precious minutes reading into it. All I ever saw was that poster up there and I just kinda glazed over the whole "Inner City vs Outer Space" tagline. And all the aliens falling to Earth. I just thought it was some fucking rave movie or something.

How wrong I was.

That trailer actually does a really good job showing you what this movie is about without giving away everything.

What I like most about this movie is that it is a fairly cliche'd story but nothing about it is cliche at all. It did things completely different then I would have ever expected to see. Like when the first alien crashes to Earth. The alien is quite terrifying, it's like a hairy Xenomorph. When it first shows its ugly face, nobody runs. Nobody screams. A group of kids just beats it to death. HAHAHAHAHA Then when more crash to Earth, the same group of kids get even more excited to beat MORE to death HAHAHAHAHA! YES! That's right aliens, fuck you! You can't just drop in unannounced.

This movie is from the producers of Shaun of the Dead and Scott Pilgrim vs the World. Attack the Block isn't as funny or as exciting as either of those movies but it's close. I didn't know that ahead of time but thinking about it and thinking about those two movies...you can tell it's by the same people. The lightheartedness and seriousness of it all is there.

The special effects are really good and mostly practical. Practical is the only way to go. What little CGI there was...was good. So nothing to complain about there. The aliens themselves were pretty awesome. Just a bunch of gorillas with a mouthfull of glow in the dark teeth. Fuck yeah!

What magical teeth you have, AARRGGHHA OH GOD IT'S EATING ME

I'd recommend this movie to everyone. It's a fun ride. The first 15-20 kind of drag on. After the opening scene it's like a 15 minute tour of the block...which is necessary as all of it comes into play in the last two thirds of the movie. After that though, it's all alien asswhooping and racism! (seriously, you know how a lot of horror movies have just one black dude and he's the first one to get offed? Well this movie has a few white people and the aliens only kill black people. Mostly.)

I enjoyed it. I'm gonna buy it. Everything I've seen by these producers is fantastic and I can't wait to see what they do next. Don't fuck with the Block or the Block will fuck with you.

A quick word with Mark Terry: producer of Live Evil

So I signed into my facebook the other day and some dude named Mark Terry "liked" my page and sent me a quick note. Well I won't be damned if that isn't the producer of Live Evil! He saw my review during Trancers Week and liked it! How awesome is that? Below is our conversation:

Mark Terry: Mr. Gabe thanks for checking out Live Evil and your great blog. I can see you really got the film. Upon securing the script option I knew if I was able to hire Jay I could get TT [Tim Thomerson], the movie would come together in a fun way. I took my background in stunts and pulled a lot of favors to get the car stuff we did. Over all it was a memorable three years of my life. -MT

Mr. Gable: Your welcome, I first saw it on Netflix Instant. I loved it so much I watched it 3 other times and then it went away. Fortunately I bought a copy (2 actually) on ebay from you guys. Good call on Thomerson, he was PERFECT for that role. And whatever you had to do to make the car stuff happen was WORTH IT. Those are some of the best scenes in the entire film. Great for you, I hope Live Evil takes off somewhat. I never hear anyone talk about it. Such a good flick.


MT: If you watch the stunt promo you will see the camera car crane called the Russian Arm. Its also used in movies like Fast and Furious and Transformers. I worked at the company that rents them during the production so I bought them in. I tell a crazy story about the using a rental car during the first car chase in the commentary. LE was on Netflix for two years but they were quiet honestly too cheap to reup it.

As far as press goes the film appeared in just about every major magazine and online all over the place when it first came out. Fangoria did a full page article on it. TT is very cool in person.


Mr. G: First up Netflix: It's fucking Instant, just keep it on there. All your doing worst case scenario is keeping up space...and looking at a lot of their stuff, that's saying something. Second: I would die to meet Thomerson. I've been a fan for quite a few years. I wish I could've been older to better appreciate his career during the 80s and 90s. I hate discovering it 20 years after its prime.

But then again: I'm LIVING EVIL BABY!

MT: I totally agree about Netflix. The deal is between the VOD distributor and Netflix. There is not much I can do about it for the next couple of months. If I could I would negotiate my own deal with them. All we can do is have have people request it or save it in the queue.

That's pretty awesome, eh? Who knew stuff like this happened? Well, Mark Terry said it best: Go to your Netflix RIGHT NOW and save Live Evil to your queues. It's the only way it'll get on there. The more demand the greater chance it'll get accepted through Netflix. And hopefully from there it will rule the world!

I'm going to see CREATURE this week and so should you.

I don't even know why you'd try and avoid this movie. You got Sig Haig, some ethnic diversity, and a GIANT FUCKING SWAMP CREATURE!

AND IT'S GOING TO BE IN THEATRES! You know you need to see this. I hope it just mops the floor with Apollo 18 and Shark Night 3D. That would just be hilarious.



Creature hits theatres this Friday, September 9th. (but a good friend of mine scored an early showing on Thursday so hopefully I'll have a review up Friday morning. I can't wait!)

But until you read my review, by all means check out the review over at KillerFilm. They say its a lot of fun!

"Creature revives what made this genre fun: boobs, blood, and a rubber monster."

YES!

Mr. Gable's Reality is ONE YEAR OLD!

Hard to believe that it's been a year already. Actually it's been over a year. I started this blog in August of 2010 but I spent that month transferring my reviews from another website to this one and tidying things up until I could actually start blogging. So it was at the beginning of September when I really started blogging. And boy, did I ever love it. Classic posts as The Killer Tongue Review, The Hobo with a Shotgun trailer, the Lake Placid 3 trailer, and putting James Cameron in his place, all set me on the path to badness.

Now that's what I call a good start.

And from there I had a whole host of amazingness happen. The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween 2010: Charles Band edition, I wrote a short story for the readers of my blog...which was later published in a book, Silent Night, Deadly Night Week, I saw the Panman Trailer and loved it so hard that I received a screener copy which was reviewed TWICE on this blog, The Bad Movie Battle Royale, I got to meet my maker: Charles Band, I single-handedly (probably) got Thankskilling 2 funded, I got the Twitteringly amazing Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon off the ground and now it's running WILD, I got Reb Brown to act again (probably), We enjoyed Maneater Week and I told you how to survive it, I went through all 6 Trancers movies and uploaded my first clip of a movie to youtube because of it, I started a fundraiser to help out the aforementioned Panman (which is still active and you should totally help out), and now....

I want to thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for following. Thanks to everyone on facebook. Thanks to everyone on Twitter. You've made this whole blogging thing a really fun thing to do. An entire year and not one piece of hatemail. Not one raging comment against me. Nothing. Just a bunch of people sitting around and talking about shitty movies and having a good time doing it. Thank you all. I love what I do and I look forward to the future.

And speaking of the future, I have some really amazing things lined up. I can't wait to find the time to make them reality. Gable's Reality. Podcasts (It's fucking HAPPENING DAMMIT!), Bad Movie Battle Royale Round 2, Cornfest (all the Children of the Corn movies), The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween countdown, and so much more. I can't wait to see what badness happens and I hope you stick around to see it.

It's going to kick ass.

Almost as much as this: