Friday, April 27, 2012

The Bad Movie Battle Royale "King of the Ring" Championship!

It's been a long week everyone. We're all tired. The BMBR has probably overstayed it's welcome (and it's extending into the middle of next week) but we're closing in on the part that really matters. The Championships. Today we see Robowar vs Girlfriend From Hell. Robowar is the obvious choice for winner. He really hasn't even pulled out the big guns yet, and he's a god damn robot! But Girlfriend From Hell has been quite impressive so far. Who ever saw her getting this far? And the thought of a woman contender winning the Royale is pretty awesome. We are all about equal opportunity badness around here. The ladies can be just as terrible as the men. That being said, let's finish what we started. This is...

Highlight the following paragraph to see my comments.

Wow. Girlfriend From Hell did it. She fucking did it. How? Who knows. She is pretty bad and I can honestly say that she deserves the title of supremely bad by comparison to the rest of the roster. She's fun, she's crazy, she's tried to run down a pack of nuns. That's pretty bad folks. You all should try to find a copy of her and give her a watch, a decision you will not regret. There's plenty to love about her and plenty to despise. (like winning this). It was sad to see so many greats get kicked out early and it was even harder to see favorites get bumped off when they were so close to glory. But this is only one championship of 3. Next week join me as these contenders duke it out in the Iron Circle in a Royal Rumble style match up. Everyone will enter the ring and beat the shit out of each other. The last one standing will continue to the Bad Movie Battle Royale Championship match to see just WHO is the baddest. So until next week, I hope you've enjoyed the tournament...there's more to come.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Round 3 of the Bad Movie Battle Royale! FINAL FOUR!

Welcome back to The Bad Movie Battle Royale. This is day 4 and I'm happy that you've stuck with it for this long. We're down to the final four contenders. Robowar vs Poolboy. The Wraith vs Girlfriend from Hell. There's 3 we were all pretty confident would go all the way and there's one BIG underdog in Girlfriend from Hell. I didn't see her getting this far, did any of you? Anyway, after today's matchups conclude, tomorrow will be the most elegantly spectacular King of the Ring championship match! And then next week we will wrap this thing up with the Royal Rumble and then of course...the Bad Movie Battle Royale championship match! (Plus the contest and a few other surprises) That being said, let's continue the Bad Movie Battle Royale shall we?

(Oh my god, this is actually happening)


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Second Round of the Bad Movie Battle Royale!

The first round had some pretty big upsets. Not that there are a tremendous amount of upsets as the majority of these contenders are pretty awesome in their own right, it's just heartbreaking to see a lot of these guys go home so early. WHY SPACED INVADERS, WWWWWHHHHHYYYYYY!!!???

But life goes on. And so does...

Today we see what the winners from Round 1 can do in Round 2. Let's do this.

HOOOOBOY! Down to the final 4 contenders. Keep it here tomorrow as the 4 winners from Round 2 battle it out to see WHO is going to the championship match.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The First Round of the Bad Movie Battle Royale CONTINUES!

Welcome back to the second half of the first round of...

Yesterday brought out some interesting wins and upsets. Now on to the rest of the fights from the first round of matches.

Oh man that was brutahl.

Monday, April 23, 2012

It's Here! The Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012 begins RIGHT NOW!

It's here and live in color! This year will be gigantic and amazing. I filmed every match so you can see for yourself just WHO is the baddest of the bad. Today we are starting with the King of the Ring matchups. I have 4 matches lined up for you. The first 4 of the first 8. Tomorrow will be the other side of the bracket. Thanks for stopping by, I hope you have as much fun as I did.

Without further delay, grab a drink, grab something to eat (I do at one point), and get ready for THE BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!!!

What a day! Some stunning defeats and some great advances. Keep it here tomorrow as there's martians vs 2 headed sharks and giant turtles vs a chick in a bikini! This is just getting started!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012 DRAFT PARTY!

The Bad Movie Battle Royale is right around the corner (don't peak) but first we have to pick the order in which they will duke it out. The order is important in several ways. First: The order will decide the match ups in the King of the Ring style match ups. Here's how the bracket will look:

This is important because the results of these match ups will decide the order in which they will enter the Royal Rumble match up. So the number 1 and 2 spots are top spots because the loser of that match up will be the last one to enter the Royal Rumble, they will be the freshest and most likely to win. And the person who wins the King of the Ring will be the first to enter the Rumble, putting them up against EVERYONE and most likely not winning. So either get out early or go for the gold. I'll leave that up to the contenders.

So without further distraction, get your drinks mixed and your pants loosened because here is the Bad Movie Battle Royale DRAFT PARTY!

 Highlight the grey box to read my commentary.

Robot vs a Killer Tire, Santa vs a Poolboy, T-Rex vs Satan, a giant firebreathing turtle vs a woman in a bikini! OH MAN, this is gonna be nuts! I can't wait. Tankgirl and Hercules definitely have the best spot on the bracket as they can either go all the way to the King of the Ring championship or they can lose the first round and end up being in the best spot in the Royal Rumble. And maybe even meeting up in the final, true blue, championship match.

So come back here MONDAY, APRIL 23RD and we'll get this thing started. And don't forget to place your bets as to who you think can win this thing. Chose any two contenders at a chance to win 1 of 3 prizes!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

New "Found Footage" movie coming! Area 407 (There's fucking dinosaurs)

Oh great, another "Found Footage" movie. *makes offensive jerk off hand motion*

Wait a minute: This one has fucking dinosaurs!? *hand goes in pants*

How many of these stupid fucking movies did we have to go through before they FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT! I don't care, this movie is gonna kick ass. I love dinosaurs. And I can't wait to see some first person velociraptor mauling.

(The picture up there says Tape 407 but the trailer is for Area 407. I assume it just changed but whatever. I need this movie.)

This is opening in limited theatres and VOD April 27th.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Happy Friday the 13th Everyone!

I apologize for the lack of posts this week. I've been preparing for the Bad Movie Battle Royale, making posters, getting this that and the other thing together. But today is Friday the 13th, a sacred holiday here at Mr. Gable's Reality. It comes but a handful of times a year and we get excited each and every time.

So please enjoy this death compilation from Friday the 13th Part 4: The "Final" Chapter. Pay close attention to the dialogue of the last kill. It's worth everything.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012 CONTEST! Place your bets!

Step right up and place your bets! This is the Bad Movie Battle Royale and it wouldn't be an event to remember if somebody didn't win something at the end of it! And this go around I have THREE prizes for you. 16 contenders walk in, 1 will walk out a champion. Before I continue, let's meet our contenders once more:





You can view their fighter description pages here, here, here, and here.

Now that the contender spots have been filled, it's time to place your bets. Who do you think will win? This year, you have 3 chances to win. First: Just for placing a bet (any bet!) you'll be thrown into a drawing for a third place prize (prizes below). The winner of the King of the Ring bracket will determine the second place prize. And the winner of the Royal Rumble match up will determine the first place prize.

So here's what you need to do:

Comment here, on facebook, on twitter, or shoot me an email at mrgablesreality(at)hotmail(dot)com. Put your name and a way to contact you (email preferred), then pick 2 contenders you think will win. If either of them wins the King of the Ring or the Royal Rumble you will win the prize below! If two or more people chose one contender to win then those names will be thrown into a hat and a winner will be drawn from it. So let's say 3 people pick Poolboy to win and he does win, then those 3 will be put into a hat and a winner will be drawn. And if nobody picks a winning contender then ALL names will be put into a hat and a winner will be drawn. So let's say nobody thinks Tammy can win it but she does win, then everyone that placed a bet will be put into a hat and a winner will be drawn.

What you can win!

3rd place prize!

The third place prize is a mystery to even myself. I can assure you that it'll be awesome and it'll be bad. You won't be disappointed.

2nd place prize!

A copy of Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury on DVD! Brand new and sealed! This movie is epic in every sense of the word and I'm glad that I'll be sharing it with the winner of the King of the Ring.

1st place prize!

The Prophecy collection on DVD! All 5 Prophecy movies in one convenient set! Brand New and sealed! You get 3 times the Christopher Walken with this set with a bonus set of 2 sequels after that! Echo Bridge somehow managed to fit all this epicness into one DVD case. All films Widescreen.

There you have it folks! Place your bets and let it be known who YOU think can win the Bad Movie Battle Royale!

Place your bets by Sunday, April 22nd, 2012.

On Monday, April 23rd, 2012, the Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012 begins...

Friday, April 6, 2012

Your final batch of contenders for The Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012!

The Royale Train is nearing its destination! And here's the final leg of the trip. Your last 4 Bad Movie Battle Royale contenders! There's some old and some new faces here but they all deserve the chance at winning the title. So without further bullshitting, your final 4 contenders!


Santa Claus. From Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. When Santa Claus found out that Spaced Invaders was in the Royale, he told me that he needed to be in it as well. Something about the "one that got away." And fortunately the Featherweight position was open, he may be big and fat but he's as light as a feather. Or a bowl full of jelly. Either way, he's a force to be reckoned with. He's fast, he's magical, and he'll pull you in with his happy go lucky personality then STRIKE! He's conquered an entire planet of Martians (save one ship) and now he's setting his sights on the iron circle.

Finishing Move: The Murder Clawz


Frankenhooker. From the movie Frankenhooker. This is one woman with great power. She hot, she's sexy, and she's DEAD. Undead to be more precise. That means she doesn't feel PAIN. You could beat on this ragdoll for hours and she wouldn't even feel it. Her power comes from her body (for obvious reasons). She may not have the greatest to offer offensively but she can go the distance.

Finishing Move: The HJ


The Wraith. From the movie The Wraith. This sumbitch has come back FROM THE DEAD. He's so badass he fought his way through hell to get back to Earth to participate in the Bad Movie Battle Royale. I know nothing of his defenses as I've never seen him defend himself. He's always on the offensive, bringing the action right to the forefront. He's always killed his opponents before they even had a chance to retaliate. This is one contender that all the others are going to have to practice for.

Finishing Move: The Thug Exploder


And now it's time for our special guest contender. He approached me last week after seeing that Yor: The Hunter From the Future joined the Royale. He says to me, he says, "Gable, that Yor punk has been running his mouth about being the baddest mother fantasy movie out there. I'll show that foo just what's what." And I told him that I hadn't yet reviewed him on my blog but he still holds a special place in my heart for making our first Twitter event such a massive success. But before I could finish, I stopped and said ok because he started to threaten...

To throw me into Outer Space.

That's right, from parts unknown it's...

Seen here fighting a Mecha Hydra

Hercules. How could I resist Hercules? He was the movie that kicked off an entire series off Bad Movie Twitter Marathons for me and my fellow bloggers. This movie is so epic it doesn't even need my having a review on this blog to participate. It's MY FAULT for not writing a review. It'd basically go something like: FUCKYEAHFUCKYEAHAWESOMEWINHAHAHAHA for 6 pages. But anyway....HERCULES. He's big, he's strong, and he has no problem with throwing you into outer space. (It happened 3 times in the movie) He's a very quick problem solver, he'll catch on to any opponent's attacks immediately and figure out how to divert them. He has very little weaknesses as he's technically a god. It'll make for an extremely interesting match up.

And if you haven't seen Hercules, you must do so immediately. It's still available on Netflix Instant.

Finishing Move: The Bear in Space

There we have it folks! The last batch of contenders. Now that all 16 have been named, now we can start getting down to business. Look out next week for the draft and the Bad Movie Battle Royale CONTEST! That's right, another contest is in the works so start going over all the contenders with a fine toothed comb to see who you think will win it!

This year has really shaped up nicely. A lot of the contenders are evenly matched. Even the Featherweights and the women have a very real chance at winning this. I put together a few mach-tournaments to see who it'd turn out and everytime I was surprised at the results. It's going to be an incredible tournament. We have the possibility of Hercules vs Yor, Santa Claus vs Spaced Invaders, The Wraith vs Robowar, Tammy vs The T-Rex, Gamera vs a 2-Headed Shark! HOOOOOBOY! This is gonna be fun.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Frankenhooker (1990)

Any man that says they wouldn't pay to hit this is a LIAR!

I'm sure you can figure out what kind of movie this is. It's called Frankenhooker and the poster art looks pretty crazy. Obviously this is a movie about a woman turned into a hooker the Frankenstein way. But if there's any inkling that you want to dismiss this movie, I will win you over with two words:

Exploding Hookers.

Ah, I see you have all left to go buy this movie. I'm not offended. I'm quite proud actually. I'll just go grab another cup of coffee and we can finish this thing in a moment.


Welcome back. Frankenhooker is the story of a man...he's a super genius underground scientist. He makes wacky "brain with one eye" creatures and remote control lawn mowers. The lawn mower leads to the accidental death of the love of his life. He takes her head and keeps it preserved until he can figure this thing all out. So he's going to build another body. One problem...he needs parts.

Stop. This movie sounds kind of similar. Where else have I seen this before?

They even came out the same year! This is bigger than The Abyss/Leviathan/Deep Star Six conspiracy!

So the scientist dude (Jeffrey) needs lady parts...but where? Oh yeah...hookers. They're perfect! They're hot, they're easy, and nobody gives a shit if you kill them. So he has a huge party where about 8 hookers show up. He starts feeling them all up, checking out their legs and arms and tits and everything to make sure they're up to snuff for his creation. But...the hookers take a hit of some stuff that Jeffrey had lying around for body preservation AAAANNNNDDD they all explode. It's probably the greatest hooker related sequence of events to transpire in a movie ever. I rewound it and watched again. (This time with some uplifting patriotic music blaring through my speakers!) So he takes the parts...

When building your own Hooker, why not use ALL of the tits?

And he finally puts together his beautiful fiance again. She's hot, she's stacked, and now with all the hooker parts she wants to GET PAID TO GET LAID!

I wouldn't suggest the BJ's though. There's a problem with the oral matrix.

From there things get pretty crazy. She roams the mean streets of New York asking everyone if they want a piece of her action and then she promptly kills them all. (cuz she's technically a zombie) Then the movie comes to a violently gorey end and I'm left alone on the couch with a stain on my jeans.


This is one movie that you HAVE to see. It's so hilarious and so crazy. I won't lie, it gets pretty wacky. But it's an adult kind of wacky, so it's a lot more fun. And the effects in this movie are outstanding. Lots of practical, built monsters and creatures and exploding hookers. It's all just so wonderful. (Also, this is from the guys that brought us Basket Case and McBain, 2 other extremely amazing movies) So, next chance you get, go to Amazon and buy the bluray. I still have my old copy but as soon as I get the extra money I'm buying this. It's worth every penny.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012 PREVIEW SHOW!

Welcome to the Bad Movie Battle Royale Preview Show! Since it's taken so long to wrap this thing up (which I'm hoping to do by the end of this week) I thought it'd be fun to have a little preview show. And what better way to celebrate the upcoming slaughter than to throw 4 of cinemas greatest bad movie directors together into the Iron Circle.

TOMMY WISEAU. FRED OLEN RAY. ULLI LOMMEL. ANDY SIDARIS. They've all made classics that can never be unseen. And today, one of them will lay claim to being the King of the Bad. Enjoy!

Commentary below.

AH MAN! DAMMIT! He won. What a sham. Wiseau and Ray were fucked! They basically tripped out of the ring! Oh well, it's only fitting that Ulli Lommel would win a contest to see who is the worst of the bad movie directors. He is king. And I'll tip my hat to him in that respect.

I have to apologize for the seizure enducing flashes. There's a glitch in the Royal Rumble match when the first person is thrown out it starts flashing. I don't know what to do about it. I didn't figure that out until I had created 12 characters and I really don't want to burn up all that time again starting over trying to fix the glitch. SO...we'll all have to put up with it. Perhaps I can edit in black bars or something. Zoom in tight to the screen. For some reason if I pause the game it kind of helps, but that's just a theory at this point. The First Round King of the Ring and the final Exhibition match up should go smoothly.

Beyond that, the Bad Movie Battle Royale is off to a kickin start. One Review to go and one extremely exciting special contender to announce. Keep it here, we're just getting started.

Monday, April 2, 2012

There's a Snow Shark coming!

Ah, I see we've taken our poster making classes from MS Paint. Aside from stock pictures and a blend of free fonts available from the internet, this probably won't be so bad huh?

You're probably gonna want a couple beers for this one. But still...there's a fucking Snow Shark. I've seen Swamp Shark and Sand Sharks so I really need to continue this path with Snow Shark. Someone should make a Sky Shark. or Park Shark. It's all in the park and kids are eaten on a daily basis.

Anyway, Snow Shark coming soon.