Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Big Week Hoff: Ring of the Musketeers (1992)

What happens when you update the Three Musketeers for the 90's, mix in half a dozen subplots that loosely fit together, and plug in a gigantic B movie cast in a made for TV movie?


In this rollicking update of the Dumas classic, the descendants of the original Musketeers may have exchanged horses for motorcycles, but they still fight injustice wherever they find it.

Ring of the Musketeers is currently playing on Netflix Instant (and YouTube). I figure me and about three other dudes have seen it. If you haven't...boy you are missing out on some epic Hoffness. He sings, he dances, he whips out swords for no reason at all. In fact, he really brings out his inner Adam West.

Why? Because this movie presents itself exactly like the 60's Batman. They're sitting down to dinner, then suddenly the Musketeer emblem will flash and beep. ACTION! Then they meet up with John Rhys-Davies to learn their next assignment. ACTION! Then they come up with a plan, tell 3 terribly hilarious jokes (only funny because they're all delivered by Cheech Marin), then they kick some bad guy ass.

Oh, and they all ride motorcycles. Because horses are for pussies.

The basic plot is there is this bad dude doing bad things. First, he kidnaps a boy and the Musketeers must save him. Then he does some shady police stuff and the Musketeers must stop that. Althewhile battling their innerselves NOT to be vigilantes and just cut the head off the snake. (Which they eventually do, catching up to the bad guy and putting a stop to his bad deeds.)

There's 3 Musketeers right? And they wear rings. Because having the secret club ring automatically makes you a crime fighting ass kicker. Well, ole Cheech Marin robs an old lady blind and happens across the sacred 4th ring. While attempting to elude the police, he decides to become the 4th Musketeer. He's pretty terrible at it but with the help of his mentor, The Hoff, he changes his ways and becomes an pretty productive member of the group.

Yeah...that all happens. This movie is crazy. Somebody actually felt the need to update the 3 Musketeers to the 90's...then make it a made for TV movie...then cast the chick from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Cheech, some German guy, the other guy from Indiana Jones, AND THE HOFF!

Whoever did that, *tips hat*, thank you. It was spectacular.

This movie is bad. It's entertaining but it's bad. It's easily the most made for TV looking made for TV movie ever. But THE HOFF PLAYS 5 KEYBOARDS WHILST SPORTING SIMPLY EXTRAVAGANT FACIAL HOFF.


This is the best I could find for a trailer:


  1. Oh god naked Hoff I can't look at your banner MY EYES

    Love the Scanners headblam picture. That never gets old. NEVER.

    Also, do you have a blog banner with the name Mr. Gable's Reality on it? I'm making my new blogroll and I'm using banners.

  2. This is the best movie ever! Loved the keyboard bit.