Monday, August 31, 2015

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Turbo Kid (2015)

Let's assume for a moment your name is Brad (or Lorraine if you're a woman). Now you're a 28 year old up and coming dentist's assistant. You've broken the mold and you're making some pretty good money and this year you decide to take a trip to Africa. You've had a great time in Africa but on your 3rd day visiting you come across a group of drug smugglers. They notice you, chase you down, and decapitate you. It's moments after they leave that a lonely, overweight, and deeply sexual baboon happens across your rotting corpse. He looks to the left, then to the right. With no ape in sight, he proceeds to fuck your eye socket.

That complete and unending joy that baboon feels skullfucking your imaginary rotting corpse is precisely the same amount of joy you get watching Turbo Kid.

THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING! It's everything I needed in my life. It's got freakin' lasers and robots and people exploding. It's just the best. I haven't been this excited for a theatrically released bad movie since The FP!

I'll do my best to give you a short, sweet, and spoiler free review.

Turbo Kid is the story of a young man in the post-apocalyptic wasteland of 1997. The world's gone to shit and the only thing left to do is hole up in the ground and read comic books...his favorite being Turbo Rider. Soon he befriends an overly excited woman named Apple. (Seriously, everything is amazing to her. At one point she is kidnapped and forced to fight gladiator style and she couldn't be more excited).

If only I knew that chicks like this were attracted to helmets like that earlier.

The story unfolds with Turbo Kid donning the Turbo suit and going on an exploding body killing spree to get back the girl. Along the way there's an Indiana Jones guy with an Army of Darkness hand, robots, a mute guy with a metal skull mask and an arm that shoots skilsaw blades,

Fuck. Yes.

a Little Trouble in Little China dude with projectile chain fists, and last but not least: Michael Ironside.

Pictured: Immortan Joe's father.

Let's talk about Michael Ironside. It was almost 5 years ago now that me and my friends coined the term Ironsided. (click here to view) Whenever Michael Ironside kills someone, they just got Ironsided. And boy is the Ironsiding in this movie great. It may not always be as a direct result of Ironside himself because the man is getting old and he has to do his Ironsiding through people but that's ok, it's still fucking amazing. People get shot, stabbed in the face, cut in half, stabbed in the face again, and all around good time.

The acting is pretty good. I can't really complain. 90% of the movies reviewed on this blog are about the same or infinitely worse. The actors do have a lot of fun with it and it's obvious at times where the inspiration is coming from (such as Temple of Doom) and it makes for good entertainment.

Media lately has been flooded with a lot of tribute films/games that attempt to mimic 70's/80's movies. Stuff like Kung Fury, The FP, or Farcry 3: Blooddragon are a couple that come to mind. This is one of the better additions in my opinion. (It'd make a good double feature with Hobo with a Shotgun) There's a lot of inspiration and inside jokes hidden throughout but it keeps itself grounded in its own reality and story and that's why I think it succeeds over the others that just try to throw the 80's in your face.

One of the best parts of this movie is the full on Synth Keyboard soundtrack. You can hear some of it in the trailer and the entire movie is filled with that sweet beautiful music. It knows when to crank up and get exciting and it knows when to tell you that you should be sad. It's the soundtrack that makes sweet sweet love to your temple holes.

It's a fun movie. It's extremely entertaining. I'll warn you that the first half of the movie is spent mostly establishing characters but I feel that it was done in such a way as to not be boring whatsoever. They sprinkle in just enough killing and craziness to keep it moving which I think makes the final battle all that much better. Also there's no nudity. Sure that would've made this movie better but I'll take the exploding bodies and be happy about it.

Go see it if you can. It will probably be in theaters for a few more days. If not, hopefully the bluray won't be far behind.

It just makes you moist thinking about it doesn't it?

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Mr. Gable is coming back! ... sort of ...

Hey guys! Haven't posted (legitimately) in awhile.  A long while. I miss this place. It was calm, cool, and fun to talk shit movies with the internet. I do miss it but you know, life catches up and it's hard to make time for these things. Some day I'll pick up where I left Hoff, but until then I've gone mobile.

So I've had a smartphone for awhile now and until last night I never even thought to see if there was a tumblr app. (IDIOT!) and I'm always finding awesome movies but I just never have time to write out a post and upload pictures, blah blah blah. But now I'll just to able to easily share it from my phone to my Tumblr and you can all keep up with the badness!

Go there now, follow me, and embrace the bad! I'm back baby!


(And I'll connect it to facebook and Twitter too so it'll show up there too for all you folks not on Tumblr)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Don't miss out on Slaterocalypse! A collaborative celebration of Christian Slater over at Back Online. Back on duty.

If you haven't been over to Back Online. Back on Duty. at all this week, you're missing out. Some of the Earth's greatest bloggers (myself included) have gathered together to celebrate one of the greatest actors of all time: Christian Slater. You can see my contribution here. Check out Back Online. Back on Duty. for the rest of Slaterocalypse and stay tuned the rest of the week for more posts, giveaways, and so much more!

Also, I'd like to apologize to all of you for being absent these past couple months. I'm sorry I haven't posted anything, I'm sorry I haven't commented on anything, I'm just sorry. I could blame it on the summer, I could blame it on my general laziness, but here's just the long and short of why I haven't been around:

I haven't watched a shitty movie in nearly 6 weeks. I finally bought a nice big HD television and I have been Bluraying my eyes out ever since. I'm starting to look at my VHS collection in disgust. It's bad. I need help. I'm really sorry.

I'll be back. Hopefully soon. I'm running out of bluray money so it shouldn't be long.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Big Week HOFF: Anaconda III: Offspring (2008)

More like HOFFSPRING oh hohoho!

What happens when you mix horribly rendered giant CGI snakes, one loudmouth and badass HOFF, and an elite group of expendables?

The greatest line ever delivered.

(You only need to watch the first 30 seconds of this video to see it)

God damn it, this movie is awesome. I've watched it three times in the last 5 months. It's just so much FUN! John Rhys Davies makes an appearance, having worked together on Ring of the Musketeers. David Hasselhoff knows what to say and when to say it...and more importantly he knows how to kick ass AND chew bubblegum.

This is your standard science gone wrong story. They bred giant Anacondas to get some protein to cure some disease. John Rhys Davies pissed them off and they got loose. Now a group of nobodies with nothing to live for are recruited to bring them back or put them down. At first, they go off on their own, completely HOFFLESS, and a bunch are killed. Then the Hoff shows up to help, and the rest are killed. HAHAHAHA Oh well, it's worth it.

You know what's going to happens so you just let this movie deliver to you that piece of steak you enjoy so much. Sure, this has been done before but not with THE HOFF! He makes this movie great. He's shooting off his mouth, kicking some serious ass, bringing his A game. Worth your time.

Anaconda 3 is just a great Sunday afternoon time waster.

Sadly, this is the last Hoff post for the week. I planned to finish with Starcrash, a movie I heard had a Mullet sporting, Lightsabre wielding Hasselhoff. Unfortunately, the copy I bought isn't here yet so I don't have time to watch it and review it. I apologize for this grave injustice but when it does get here I will definitely fit that into my itinerary.

Have a great weekend everybody! Thank you for following my BIG WEEK HOFF!

The Big Week Hoff: Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

What do you get when you mix a low budget made for TV Marvel movie, an ancient Nazi supervirus, and over 300 of the greatest one liner's ever spoken?


This was a pretty damn entertaining movie. I really wasn't expecting a whole hell of a lot but there really wasn't too much of a lull at all. The times when there should have been a lull, The Hoff was there shooting off his mouth to whoever was within earshot so it made it all that much more enjoyable.

This movie is written by David S. Goyer. You probably know him as the co-writer to Batman Begins or the Blade Trilogy. I remember him from his writing stylings of Demonic Toys, Kickboxer 2, and now NICK FURY: AGENT OF SHIELD. This guys credits are like a rollercoaster. For every really great hill there is just a deep valley immediately afterwards. I love it. It's all awesome, don't get me wrong, but holy shit he's great and he's terrible all at the same time. That's my favorite kinda guy: Awesomely Bad.

This movie is no exception. It's crazy, it's hammed up, it's full of fun. Comic Book fun. I won't even try to say I know anything about the comics outside what I've seen in the movies and heard from friends. There was a lot in this movie that I've seen before: Hydra was the evil terrorists that Nick Fury had to kill. SHIELD's secret base was the flying aircraft carrier as seen in The Avengers. Lots of cool little Marvel things here and there.

This movie goes something like this: Ages ago The Hoff put away a criminal mastermind. Now his daughter is taking over. They have a dangerous virus they are going to unleash in Manhattan and it's up to a one eyed Hoff to put her down.

HOLY HOFFPATCH HOFFMAN! The Hoff is a complete badass in this movie. He's got one eye, smokes cigars, and punches nearly everyone in the face. Or at the very least insults them. He's a one man wrecking crew. He was too much for the agency so they let him go but now that things are a little rough they need a man that doesn't do things the normal way. That man is The Hoff. THE EARTH'S MIGHTIEST HERO!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Big Week Hoff: Ring of the Musketeers (1992)

What happens when you update the Three Musketeers for the 90's, mix in half a dozen subplots that loosely fit together, and plug in a gigantic B movie cast in a made for TV movie?


In this rollicking update of the Dumas classic, the descendants of the original Musketeers may have exchanged horses for motorcycles, but they still fight injustice wherever they find it.

Ring of the Musketeers is currently playing on Netflix Instant (and YouTube). I figure me and about three other dudes have seen it. If you haven't...boy you are missing out on some epic Hoffness. He sings, he dances, he whips out swords for no reason at all. In fact, he really brings out his inner Adam West.

Why? Because this movie presents itself exactly like the 60's Batman. They're sitting down to dinner, then suddenly the Musketeer emblem will flash and beep. ACTION! Then they meet up with John Rhys-Davies to learn their next assignment. ACTION! Then they come up with a plan, tell 3 terribly hilarious jokes (only funny because they're all delivered by Cheech Marin), then they kick some bad guy ass.

Oh, and they all ride motorcycles. Because horses are for pussies.

The basic plot is there is this bad dude doing bad things. First, he kidnaps a boy and the Musketeers must save him. Then he does some shady police stuff and the Musketeers must stop that. Althewhile battling their innerselves NOT to be vigilantes and just cut the head off the snake. (Which they eventually do, catching up to the bad guy and putting a stop to his bad deeds.)

There's 3 Musketeers right? And they wear rings. Because having the secret club ring automatically makes you a crime fighting ass kicker. Well, ole Cheech Marin robs an old lady blind and happens across the sacred 4th ring. While attempting to elude the police, he decides to become the 4th Musketeer. He's pretty terrible at it but with the help of his mentor, The Hoff, he changes his ways and becomes an pretty productive member of the group.

Yeah...that all happens. This movie is crazy. Somebody actually felt the need to update the 3 Musketeers to the 90's...then make it a made for TV movie...then cast the chick from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Cheech, some German guy, the other guy from Indiana Jones, AND THE HOFF!

Whoever did that, *tips hat*, thank you. It was spectacular.

This movie is bad. It's entertaining but it's bad. It's easily the most made for TV looking made for TV movie ever. But THE HOFF PLAYS 5 KEYBOARDS WHILST SPORTING SIMPLY EXTRAVAGANT FACIAL HOFF.


This is the best I could find for a trailer:

Monday, June 11, 2012

The Big Week Hoff: Piranha 3DD (2012)

What happens when you let Pirahna invade a water park, jam in more tits than a cattle barn, and let pussy invading piranha chomp of sex cocks?

The Hoff playing mini-casio and doing two chicks at the same time.

God Bless America.

I have no idea why this movie was suddenly scrapped from a Theatrical release. I was actually looking forward to going out to see this thing in 3DD. It looked like they amped up everything and it looked like a good time...come on, THE HOFF...but they pulled it for some reason and it was straight to VOD for me.

I don't know if I'd say this movie is amped up from the first one but I think it's fair to say that the gore to tit ratio is about on par. This movie to me delivered everything I wanted to see so much better than the first one. I really didn't care for the first one. Sure it was kinda fun but it was more annoying than anything. This movie just says "fuck it" and runs with it. And that's exactly what this series needed. It's not serious, it's exploitative, just do it!

I was a little worried going into this thing because of the director, John Galuger. The first movie I ever saw of his was Feast. LOVED that movie. I thought it was fun, scary, gory, crazy, and just an all around good time. In a Tremors kind of way. Then he made Feast 2 & 3...which were good in their own way but the guy literally took a pad and paper, wrote down cool ideas, and constructed a story within the Feast universe out of that. It's one of the few times I'll admit that it was total garbage. It was too far all over the place that it didn't make sense and really wasn't all that enjoyable.

Not the case with Piranha 3DD. His focus is more tuned into the task at hand. Forget the robots and the midgets, this movie just has tits everywhere, the water park, and a fuckton of Piranha looking to eat people in hilarious ways.

And did I mention that Ving Rhames has a SHOTGUN LEG!


LOOK! He's on Hoffwatch! HAHAHAHA

In this movie, The Hoff plays himself. (and even when he's playing a character, he's still acting like himself.) The water park gets David Hasselhoff to guest appear at the grand opening of the water park. Nobody really knows who he is but that's ok, he's there kicking ass as always. He befriends a little ginger kid who he consistently rips on. "Little Ginger Moron." HAHA

This movie explores all angles of the Hoff. His love side with the above clip. His Baywatch side with...everything else. He rips his shirt off and runs in slow mo, the only way to run.

It sadly takes half the movie to get to The Hoff, but when it does it's just great.

Friday, June 8, 2012

I'm taking next week Hoff.

David Hasselhoff. A man among guys. He is what we all wish we were. That guy. Everyone knows him but mostly from his internet memes and alcohol enduced headlines. Not me. I remember him as Spongebob's surfboard but mostly from his movies...those movies that barely exist. And next week I plan to celebrate them with 5 full days of the Hoff, THE BIG WEEK HOFF!

There is no doubt that The Hoff has made some sort of impact on our lives. Allow me to show you just how great he is. Until then...