the madness creature features week 5

tremors 2
awesome

american psycho
great movie

the orphanage
creepy

rosemarys baby
slow but enjoyable

ghoulies 3
life changing cinema

shark night 3d
so it certainly was something

the hive
maneater movies rule

carny
more maneater

vipers
i love you tara reid

night of the demons 3
fun end to the series

gamera 3
mindblowing
bonus: man in suit
bonus: wrecking a city

white noise
not that scary

halloween
classic

THE MADNESS: Creature Features Week 4

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996: 108 min)

Vampires

Rating: One of the Best!

BONUS: Vampires

Spaced Invaders (1990: 100 min)

Aliens

Rating: I've loved this movie since I was 5

Hellraiser: Revelations (2011: 75 min)

Demons

Rating: Glad to see it back to its roots even if it was executed poorly. Needs a better pinhead. The best thing this movie did was keep its runtime down. More low budget movies need to learn this lesson.

Howling 6: The Freaks (1991: 102 min)

Werewolves

Rating: Not bad, not good.

BONUS: Werewolves

BONUS: Witness transformation

Gamera 2: Attack of the Legion (1996: 99 min)

Giant Turtle Monster

Rating: AWESOME!

BONUS: Guy in rubber suit

BONUS: Giant monster destroying a specific city

Critters 3 (1991: 86 min)

Aliens

Rating: A fun little Sunday Afternoon movie

Critters 4 (1992: 100 min)

Aliens

Rating: I still think this movie sucks. How do you fuck up CRITTERS IN SPACE!

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993: 76 min)

Multiple Creatures

Rating: Still the best. All the music is great. WOW, this is from 93?

BONUS: Werewolves, Vampires, and Frankenstein monsters!

BONUS: Castles at moonlight

Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat (1989: 104 min)

Vampires

Rating: This movie is so great

BONUS: Vampires

BONUS: Dracula is the main bad guy. His name is Mardulak but Bruce Campbell Van Helsing keeps asking for everyone to call him by his real name. Since Mardulak is more or less Dracula misspelled with a M at the beginning, it's safe to say he's Dracula.

Howling 7: New Moon Rising (1995: 90 min)

Werewolves

Rating: Soo....many....line dances...ho downs....*shudder*

BONUS: Werewolves

BONUS: See Transformation albeit a shitty one.

Birdemic (Rifftrax Live) (2010: 90 min)

Crazy Birds

Rating: God its just so bad it's awesome

Howling: Reborn (2011: 88 min)

Werewolves

Rating: I liked it. Probably because it was lightyears better than Howling 2-7 but I enjoyed it.

Priest (2011: 87 min)

Vampires

Rating: Karl Urban, you are more or less Box Office Poison but I fucking love you.

Dear God No! (2011: 81 min)

Bigfoot

Rating: Ugh, 81 min and 20 is spent raping women. The filmmakers need to learn when to cut away. Not from just raping but from everything. The stripclub montage was 20 minutes too long.

Mold! (2009: 84 min)

Mutant Killer Mold

Rating: This movie was so fucking win. The dialogue was great, amazing practical effects, loved every minute of it.

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp (2012: 90 min)

Serial Killer

Rating: The first 10 minutes will blow you away. Then you might as well take a nap for an hour until Ron Jeremy shows up as Jesus.

THE MADNESS: Creature Features Week 3

The Grudge (2004: 92 min)
Pissed off Ghosts
Rating: Eh

Sleepy Hollow (1999: 105 min)
Headless Horseman
Rating: I still like this movie after all these years

Night of the Demons 2 (1994: 95 min)
Demons
Rating: Fuck yeah, series still going strong

Howling 4 (1988: 94 min)
Werewolves
Rating: I liked it and a person melts
BONUS: Werewolves
BONUS: See Transformation from man to wolf

Shark Attack in the Mediterranean (2004: 109 min)
Sharks
Rating: Bad Dub, Bad Effects, Bad everything make for one hell of a movie

Ghostbusters (1984: 105 min)
Ghosts
Rating: Best Movie Ever.
BONUS: Shapeshifter: Sigourney Weaver and Rick Moranis turn into gargoyle things.

Dracula 2000 (2000: 109 min)
Vampires
Rating: Surprised how much I enjoyed this. Jeri Ryan might have something to do with it
BONUS: Vampires
BONUS: Dracula is the main bad guy

Dracula II: Ascension (2003: 85 min)
Vampires
Rating: Jason Scott Lee and Jason London FTW!
BONUS: Vampires
BONUS: Dracula is the main bad guy

Dracula III: Legacy (2005: 86 min)
Vampires
Rating: Rutger Hauer is a vampire once again!
BONUS: Vampires
BONUS: Dracula is the main bad guy

They (2002: 89 min)
Dimension Monsters
Rating: Everyone on the internet bashes this movie, I found it interesting and great. Ending was the best.

Howling 5 (1989: 96 min)
Werewolves
Rating: Ah, watching people bicker and bitch in a castle maze for 90 minutes: STILL BETTER THAN PART 3
BONUS: Castle lit by moonlight
BONUS: Werewolves

Splinter (2008: 82 min)
Goo monster
Rating: One of the best monster movies of the past 10 years

30 Days of Night: Dark Days (2010: 92 min)
Vampires
Rating: I like this, I know I shouldn't, but I do.
BONUS: Vampires

From Beyond (1986: 86 min)
Dimensional Monsters
Rating: Fucking love this movie
BONUS: Moonlit mansion

Pumpkinhead (1988: 86 min)
Golem
Rating: I've always loved this movie, definitely in my top horror movies ever
BONUS: Golem

Slither (2006: 95 min)
Aliens
Rating: I got to see this in the theatre, Nathan Fillion rules.

Night of the Creeps (1986: 88 min)
Alien Zombies
Rating: the original Slither but so much better. Tom Atkins is the MAN!

Galaxy of Terror (1981: 81 min)
Aliens
Rating: Exceeded my expectations
BONUS: Watched with the Bad Netflix Event

Chillerama (2011: 120 min)
A variety of monsters
Rating: This movie takes the cake for movies watched this year.
BONUS: Watched with the Bad Netflix Event and I'm pretty sure each segment covers just about every bonus aspect possible.

Queen of Blood (1966: 81 min)
Martian Space Vampires
Rating: John Saxon and Dennis Hopper vs a Martian Space Vampire: THIS MOVIE IS GOLD
BONUS: Vampires

THE MADNESS: Creature Features Week 2

Ginger Snaps 2 (2004: 94 min)
Werewolves
Rating: Good
BONUS: Werewolves
BONUS: Insane Asylum

The Howling 2 (1985: 91 min)
Werewolves
Rating: So bad it's good
BONUS: Werewolves
BONUS: Castle moonlit

The Walking Dead (2010: 4 episodes, 3 hours)
Zombies
Rating: Good damn show

Blood: The Last Vampire (2009: 91 min)
Vampires
Rating: Suspend your disbelief and enjoy
BONUS: Vampires

Gamera: Guardian of the Universe (1995: 96 min)
Giant Monster
Rating: Better effects and worth the watch
BONUS: Man in suit
BONUS: Creature destroying specific city

Bleeders (1997: 94 min)
Mutant Vampires
Rating: Good effects, slow pacing. OK
BONUS: Vampires

Howling 3 (1987: 94 min)
Werewolves
Rating: UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH
BONUS: Werewolves
BONUS: View transformation from human to wolf and back several times

Night of the Demons (1988: 90 min)
Demons
Rating: FUCK YES. New favorite Halloween movie

Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt (2011: 80 min)
Killer Eye
Rating: Nice product placement Full Moon, nice nudity, last third of the movie is good
BONUS: Golem (Killer eye statue comes to life and murders everyone)
BONUS: Moonlit mansion

Tales From the Crypt (1989: marathon, seasons 1 & 2 and the first 3 eps of ssn 3. about 14 hours)
Multiple Creatures
Rating: Such a great show
BONUS: Werewolves & Vampires & Golems OH MY!

Fright Night (2011: 106 min)
Vampires
Rating: Better than expected, parts are terrible other parts make up for it.
BONUS: Vampires
BONUS: Clean Vamps, they turn to dust when staked or hit sunlight

Sharks in Venice (2008: 88 min)
Sharks
Rating: Shitty action thriller with sharks attached, fuck it.

Critters 2 (1988: 86 min)
Aliens
Rating: There needs to be more Easter related horror movies. Kudos Critters 2, Kudos.

Feast (2005: 95 min)
Monsters
Rating: LOVE this movie

Dracula 3000 (2004: 85 min)
Vampires
Rating: SO SO SO BAD, but it's fucking awesome. COOLIO!
BONUS: Vampires
BONUS: Dracula

Carnosaur 2 (1995: 85 min)
Dinosaurs
Rating: Such a great Aliens ripoff

Re-Animator (1985: 86 min)
Zombies
Rating: One of my most coveted movies of all time

THE MADNESS: Creature Features Week 1

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter (2012: 90 min)
Gators
Rating: Robert Englundtastic

Lake Placid 3 (2010: 93 min)
Gators
Rating: Natural Boobtastic

Race to Witch Mountain (2009: 98 min)
Aliens
Rating: Rocktastic

Battleship (2012: 131 min)
Aliens
Rating: Splosiontastic

Critters (1986: 82 min)
Aliens
Rating: Shotgun Critter Explosiontastic

Tremors (1990: 96 min)
Precambrian Lifeforms
Rating: Grabboidtastic

Ernest Scared Stupid (1991: 91 min)
Trolls
Rating: KnowatImeantastic

The Howling (1981: 91 min)
Werewolves
Rating: Robert Picardotastic
BONUS: Werewolves

Raging Sharks (2005: 92 min)
Alien and Sharks
Rating: Greatest Shark Movie evertastic

Vampire Bats (2005: 90 min)
Bats
Rating: XenavsBatstastic

Jeepers Creepers (2001: 90 min)
The Creeper
Rating: Skin Costumtastic

Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003: 104 min)
The Creeper
Rating: ShouldbetitledElectricBoogalootastic

Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005: 85 min)
Were-Rabbit
Rating: Gromitrulestastic
BONUS: see human transform into a were-rabbit

Deep Rising (1998: 106 min)
Sea Monster
Rating: WHATNOWtastic

Live Evil (2009: 97 min)
Vampires
Rating: Tim Thomerson preistastic
BONUS: Vampires, see transformation from human to vampire

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006: 88 min)
Sea Monster
Rating: TheGuyThatDirectedTheGateDirectedThis!?tastic

Saw (2004: 103 min)
Torture
Rating: CaryElwestastic

Resident Evil: Damnation (2012: 100 min)
Zombies
Rating: Good Damn Sequel to a Good Damn DTV CG movietastic

Night Shadow (1989: 89 min)
Werewolves
Rating: Kill Me.
BONUS: Werewolves

Army of Darkness (1992: 81 min)
Evil
Rating: If you have issues with this, you have issues with me-tastic
BONUS: Bruce Campbell

Monster Squad (1987: 82 min)
Universal Monsters
Rating: BetterthantheGooniestastic
BONUS: All the Universal Monsters including Dracula

Immortal (2004: 106 min)
Mutant Humans
Rating: Ifyouthinkofwatchingthispunchyourselfinthefacetastic

Don't miss out on Slaterocalypse! A collaborative celebration of Christian Slater over at Back Online. Back on duty.

If you haven't been over to Back Online. Back on Duty. at all this week, you're missing out. Some of the Earth's greatest bloggers (myself included) have gathered together to celebrate one of the greatest actors of all time: Christian Slater. You can see my contribution here. Check out Back Online. Back on Duty. for the rest of Slaterocalypse and stay tuned the rest of the week for more posts, giveaways, and so much more!

Also, I'd like to apologize to all of you for being absent these past couple months. I'm sorry I haven't posted anything, I'm sorry I haven't commented on anything, I'm just sorry. I could blame it on the summer, I could blame it on my general laziness, but here's just the long and short of why I haven't been around:

I haven't watched a shitty movie in nearly 6 weeks. I finally bought a nice big HD television and I have been Bluraying my eyes out ever since. I'm starting to look at my VHS collection in disgust. It's bad. I need help. I'm really sorry.

I'll be back. Hopefully soon. I'm running out of bluray money so it shouldn't be long.

The Big Week HOFF: Anaconda III: Offspring (2008)

More like HOFFSPRING oh hohoho!

What happens when you mix horribly rendered giant CGI snakes, one loudmouth and badass HOFF, and an elite group of expendables?

The greatest line ever delivered.

(You only need to watch the first 30 seconds of this video to see it)

God damn it, this movie is awesome. I've watched it three times in the last 5 months. It's just so much FUN! John Rhys Davies makes an appearance, having worked together on Ring of the Musketeers. David Hasselhoff knows what to say and when to say it...and more importantly he knows how to kick ass AND chew bubblegum.

This is your standard science gone wrong story. They bred giant Anacondas to get some protein to cure some disease. John Rhys Davies pissed them off and they got loose. Now a group of nobodies with nothing to live for are recruited to bring them back or put them down. At first, they go off on their own, completely HOFFLESS, and a bunch are killed. Then the Hoff shows up to help, and the rest are killed. HAHAHAHA Oh well, it's worth it.

You know what's going to happens so you just let this movie deliver to you that piece of steak you enjoy so much. Sure, this has been done before but not with THE HOFF! He makes this movie great. He's shooting off his mouth, kicking some serious ass, bringing his A game. Worth your time.

Anaconda 3 is just a great Sunday afternoon time waster.

Sadly, this is the last Hoff post for the week. I planned to finish with Starcrash, a movie I heard had a Mullet sporting, Lightsabre wielding Hasselhoff. Unfortunately, the copy I bought isn't here yet so I don't have time to watch it and review it. I apologize for this grave injustice but when it does get here I will definitely fit that into my itinerary.

Have a great weekend everybody! Thank you for following my BIG WEEK HOFF!

The Big Week Hoff: Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

What do you get when you mix a low budget made for TV Marvel movie, an ancient Nazi supervirus, and over 300 of the greatest one liner's ever spoken?

EYE BOMB!

This was a pretty damn entertaining movie. I really wasn't expecting a whole hell of a lot but there really wasn't too much of a lull at all. The times when there should have been a lull, The Hoff was there shooting off his mouth to whoever was within earshot so it made it all that much more enjoyable.

This movie is written by David S. Goyer. You probably know him as the co-writer to Batman Begins or the Blade Trilogy. I remember him from his writing stylings of Demonic Toys, Kickboxer 2, and now NICK FURY: AGENT OF SHIELD. This guys credits are like a rollercoaster. For every really great hill there is just a deep valley immediately afterwards. I love it. It's all awesome, don't get me wrong, but holy shit he's great and he's terrible all at the same time. That's my favorite kinda guy: Awesomely Bad.

This movie is no exception. It's crazy, it's hammed up, it's full of fun. Comic Book fun. I won't even try to say I know anything about the comics outside what I've seen in the movies and heard from friends. There was a lot in this movie that I've seen before: Hydra was the evil terrorists that Nick Fury had to kill. SHIELD's secret base was the flying aircraft carrier as seen in The Avengers. Lots of cool little Marvel things here and there.

This movie goes something like this: Ages ago The Hoff put away a criminal mastermind. Now his daughter is taking over. They have a dangerous virus they are going to unleash in Manhattan and it's up to a one eyed Hoff to put her down.

HOLY HOFFPATCH HOFFMAN! The Hoff is a complete badass in this movie. He's got one eye, smokes cigars, and punches nearly everyone in the face. Or at the very least insults them. He's a one man wrecking crew. He was too much for the agency so they let him go but now that things are a little rough they need a man that doesn't do things the normal way. That man is The Hoff. THE EARTH'S MIGHTIEST HERO!