Xmas Week: Elves (1989)

*Hey everybody. I'm having some technical issues. My computer has mysteriously stopped connecting to the internet. It's old and frail and I've been dominating it a lot lately so it isn't much of a surprise. All the WIN that comes through this blog comes through that computer so you know eventually we'd break it's hip with all this pounding we give it. So suffice to say I'm on my fiance's computer and I won't be able to bring you a quality post because I don't want to go surfing around for pictures and whatnot. (I don't want to accidently ruin her new computer) So, please enjoy the following review, naked as it is, and hopefully my issues will be resolved soon.

Let's. Fucking. Do. This.

(iOffer has so many epic bootlegs.)

I can see those of you out there who have not seen Elves may have some doubts. Doubts after watching the trailer. Doubts after seeing the general shittiness of the elf. Doubts that this movie is even about elves. Doubts about its leading actor Grizzly Adams. Doubts that this movie is ripping off Gremlins just a little too much. Doubts that you’d rather stick your tongue to a flag pole in the dead of winter than give this movie a chance. Well, to those of you that have doubts, I have three words for you…

FUCKING. NINJA. TROLL.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ok, that isn’t in this movie BUT it is said at one point and I nearly shit myself. God dammit that’s awesome. And that is not at all the best part of this movie. If you like that one line (delivered by a 10 year old boy who loves his sister’s huge titties (his words, not mine)) then you are in store for 90 minutes more of the same amount of greatness.

(The following paragraphs are going to spoil the crap out of this movie. I just don’t know any other way to describe it without going into detail about what’s going on, there’s just so much. So please continue reading because honestly…it doesn’t matter)

Elves starts out like all great horror movies do, by someone spilling some blood in a sacred place and inadvertently resurrecting something evil. In this case, an Elf. Just one, not several like the title would have you believe. Rest assured that it is indeed an elf. So this naked elf immediately starts stalking chicks and killing people with knives. It even shoots people WITH A GUN at one point. And never once does that “dick sucking” grin ever leave its face.

(I love this movie)

From there we meet Grizzly Adams, who smokes a lot and is out of a job. Fortunately for him, the elf kills the mall santa while he’s doing lines of coke after molesting a female coworker. Grizzly is perfect for the job! Well, he has no home because he was just evicted from his trailer so he has to stay in the mall overnight. At the same time, the chicks that had inadvertently resurrected the evil Elf break in and are going to camp out, get drunk, and have sex with guys.

Did I mention that there is also a group of Nazis who are an Order of Elves, so to speak, and they are after the chick that spilt blood all over the Elf’s grave? Yeah, that’s in this movie too.

So the ladies have a party, the Nazis show up and kill the boys to get to the girl. The Elf shows up and puts a cute little Santa hat on and stabs a woman to death. (see trailer below) Then Grizzly Adams punches the shit out of everyone and only him and the girl escape. (oh, and the girl keeps call him Santa like he’s her daddy. It’s fucking creepy)

Then Grizzly Adams drops her off at home and leaves to go and talk to not one but TWO professional Elf doctors. The first one knows everything about them except what they do and he refers Grizzly to another specialist who understands their purpose. And what is that purpose you might ask?

The elf must have sex with one hot chick on midnight of Christmas Eve in order to create a superrace of human/elf hybrids to rule the world!

(I love this movie)

So the climax of the movie comes down to Grizzly punching more people, a revelation that the hot chicks grandfather is really her ACTUAL father after he had drugged and raped her mother for the sole purpose of creating a daughter with pure Nazi genes to mate with an Elf when she had properly “ripened”, and then the hot chick nearly getting freaky with an Elf, and that same girl stabbing that elf with a magical Christmas crystal and saving the world from a master race of really ugly children.

Thats just about the greatest thing ever.

You don’t get movies like this anymore. This movie is Troll 2 kind of awesome. Grizzly Adams is the single greatest dramatic actor of all time. His line delivery made me cry. He’s so charming and convincing that I nearly felt like an Elf was trying to rape ME! (No, actually he’s not a good actor whatsoever, but it’s so much fun watching him try)

The effects are where its at. That fucking Elf, it’s mouth moves about a centimeter, otherwise it’s just a doll rigged up to a dolly and drug across the floor to simulate its approach. HAHAHAHA It’s so epic.

Everything about this movie is just so fucking terrible that you can’t help but gaze upon it with wide eyed wonder. The dialogue is written and delivered with such craptastity that you’ll roll your eyes and laugh all at the same time. Elves is the perfect present for the holidays because just when you think you’ve seen all this movie has to offer, it gives so much more. You’ll be sitting there and be like, “Ok, killer Elf, that’s sweet” then BAM Fucking Nazis. And then you’ll be like “Sweet, FUCKING NINJA TROLL” and then BAM, Incest. WOW. Grizzly Adams, FUCKING WOW.

You all need to add this thing to your yearly Holiday rotation. You need to put this in with your collection of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2, Santa’s Slay, Ernest Saves Christmas, and Thankskilling. Elves is the treat that will never stop tasting so so sweet.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Elves appears to be available on YouTube. Click here to start with part 1. Cancel your plans tonight, you're fucking watching this.