Monday, December 19, 2011

Xmas Week: Jack Frost (1997)

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight.
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Jack Frost is nippling at your toes. And raping Shannon Elizabeth in the bathtub.

Alcohol Paul was nice enough to point out the lack of Carrot on his face.

You just can’t lose with Jack Frost. Even though the movie slows down A LOT all over the place, the parts that are good are good enough that you just go ahead and give it a few more minutes of your time. And then its over. And Christmas just got a whole lot more awesome.

Jack Frost is the story of a mutant killer snowman. (The greatest kind of snowman) There’s a serial killer on his way to be put to death and his name is Jack Frost. There also happens to be a genetics research truck heading the opposite way. (Oh man, only good things can happen) Well, the two collide and ole Jack Frost is hilariously transformed into….Jack Frost. The snowman.

 YES! There is nothing to hate about that!

Nearby there is a town getting ready for Christmas. The town is full of morons so Jack Frost takes it upon himself to murder them all. (A true Hero) The sheriff eventually (with the help of his dumbass son) figures out that there is a killer-meltintowaterandrefreezeintoa-snowman terrorizing his town. The townspeople raise up their blowdryers and take down this menacing foe once and for all. Except it doesn’t work. Then by a fantastic coincidence of the son trying to poison his father (I’m not spoiling this absolutely GENIUS ending)…together they REALLY kill Jack Frost.

Or do they? (No they don’t because he returns for A SEQUEL!)

I can’t help thinking while writing this review just how similar in story Jack Frost and Gingerdead Man are. Two serial killers, both hilariously reincarnated in holiday form, both go on shitty one-liner killing sprees, both designed by mindblowing practical effects artists, but you know what? I don’t fucking care. They’re both awesome and that’s all that matters. They should use this formula for ALL manor of Christmas related killer monster movies: There’s still Trees, Jesus, Toy Firetrucks, and Menorahs to explore!

Oh wait, they already made a killer tree movie. (albeit a short one)

If there’s one movie you need to lighten up your holidays, it’s Jack Frost. He is the embodiment of everything that goes on at the malls during this time of year. Rage. All balled up into one epic snowman. He does what we all want to do. Murder all those morons standing in line in front of us. Jab an axe handle down the throats of that bitch that took the last toy your child wanted most. Having unwanted intercourse with Shannon Elizabeth. (You know we will never have a shot, IT’S THE ONLY WAY!)

Jack Frost, you are a hero and a scholar. I can only hope to follow in your footsteps one day. Michael Keaton can learn a lot from you. (that movie would have been so much better had he been a mutant killer, right? RIGHT?) And so can we. Thank you for showing us the light. Next year, next year…

…we know exactly what to do.

I have an early Christmas present for you all...

Here is the movie in it's entirety!

Bathtub scene and 57:20


  1. A sheriff and his dumbass son you say? I'm imagining a perfect christmas horror movie, 'Smokey and the Frost'! haha! "Jack Frost, you sumbitch!!"

  2. Nice to have you back. One thing though. His carrot isn't on his face because he had to make a carrot dick so he could rape her. It's a classic Snowman rape trick.

  3. You suppose he came snowflakes? or shards of ice like he launched from his fists? If it is the shards, does that mean that he came all over that guy before he raped Shannon Elizabeth?

    This movie makes you think.

  4. Great write-up! He is the real Jack Frost, not Michael Keaton. Haha.