Xmas Week: Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
Thy leaves are so unchanging;
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
Thy leaves are so unchanging;
Not only green when summer's here,
But also when 'tis cold and drear.
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
Thy leaves are so unchanging!

Or as Ernest would sing it:

If there’s an awesome way to screw up Christmas for everyone, Ernest is the man that’ll find it. I’m going to go ahead and assume you all know who Ernest is…that awesome guy full of heart and facial expressions. When he speaks he often mixes up one thing for another. His inventions are too brilliant for society at large. His thought processes are worthy of the study of scientists worldwide.

Ernest is, without a doubt, my hero.

I grew up watching all of his movies and pretty much memorizing them. I saw Scared Stupid in the theatre, I wore out the rental tape of Goes to Jail, and Goes to Camp was on TV all the time. There was never enough time in my life that I could devote to Ernest. I just fucking love that guy. He does the same routine over and over in all of his movies but it’s just so fucking FUNNY! I love it.

But for the better part of a decade, I fell off the Ernest train. It’d been forever since I’d watched any of them. So over the summer I picked up the triple pack with Camp/Prison/Stupid on it and relived all those memories of my childhood. I remember EVERYTHING. Those movies kick ass. It’s STILL FUCKING FUNNY! I watched them all at least twice this year, I think I watched Scared Stupid 4 times in October. HAHAHAHA, come on, FUCKING TROLLS.

Then I remembered that at one point in Ernest’s amazing career, he had saved Christmas. But I did not have that one. So I bought it. And watched it. And watched it again. God damn you Ernest, you’ve done it again…

Ernest Saves Christmas is more about passing the torch than anything else. Santa is old and needs to find a suitable replacement before Christmas Eve or all of the magic of Christmas will be lost forever. Santa has one man in mind and that man wants nothing to do with “Santa” or any of his bullshit. After some hijinks and some possible jailbait situations (more on that in a minute), Ernest discovers that Santa is indeed who he says he is and Ernest sets out to help him.

This movie isn’t so much in the story as what the hell is going on while the story progresses. There is without a doubt one recurring scene that happens periodically throughout the film that really pulls this movie together in a way that I don’t think it could without it….and that is Tom and Bobby in the warehouse with the Reindeer. In this movie, they are cargo movers for the airline and Santa has his Reindeer shipped to Florida where his Elves will pick them up later. They cut to these two in the warehouse where the giant crates holding the Reindeer in them are being held and I swear to you it is the greatest thing ever. They show you just enough and then go back to the movie. At first they argue over the packing slip name, Halper Elmes or Helper Elves, then the crates move, then they discover the Reindeer, then the Reindeer fly, it’s just so fucking awesome.

But I can’t forget Ernest. That guy keeps the rest of the movie moving along hilariously while that stuff isn’t happening. Of course, he puts on a few other character hats along the way as he does in all of this movies, but for the most part it’s good ole Ernest saving the day.

He even hops in Santa’s sleigh at one point and puts Superman to shame.

Getting back to the jailbait situation I was “teasing” earlier. In this movie Ernest is a taxi driver. While he’s driving Santa around, this young girl, maybe 15 years old, jumps in the taxi with him and Santa because she is running away from some guy. She’s running away because she was in a restaurant and didn’t want to pay the bill. So Ernest drops off Santa and then we cut to the next morning….and this 15 year old girl had spent the night at Ernest’s house. WWWHHHHAAATTT!? I don’t know about any of you but my tainted mind went apeshit over the possibilities about what happened from sundown to breakfast at the Ernest household. She’s a runaway, she hates life, she has no money, she’s looking for attention in anyway she can get it…and you can about imagine the lengths this girl would go to for a place to sleep.

And THAT, my friends, is how I ruin all of your childhoods.

 eh heh heh heh heh heh!

This is one of the few movies you’ll find on this blog that is perfect for everyone. (jailbait aside) Anyone from toddlers to old people will enjoy it. It’s a unique Christmas story brought to life by colorful characters and it’s something that you don’t want to miss.

And another unexpected christmas present to you all:

THE MOVIE IN ITS ENTIRETY!

(click the link to go to YouTube to watch it)

Merry Christmas everybody!