Thursday, December 29, 2011

The 15 GREATEST MOVIES of 2011!

2011 is drawing to a close (good riddance). It may have been a rollercoaster of a year personally, but it was a pretty amazing year for movies. Now, this time of year always calls for a "Best of" List and believe me that is what you're going to get. BUT! This list isn't like all of those other pussy lists out there only showing you what was in theatres and what has name brand actors. Oh no, although I enjoy those movies just as much as the next guy, they just aren't as great as these...

15. Rubber

Killer. Fucking. Tire. Need I say more? This movie actually has a lot more going for it than just a murderous telekinetic tire. It knows it's a bad movie and it plays on that so well.

14. Ferocious Planet

The Maneater series keeps kicking more and more ass. This one stars the guy from Stargate Atlantis and John Rhys Davies. The government is working on a top secret machine that opens a visual portal to another dimension but when they turn it SENDS them to another dimension. This movie wastes no time and keeps the fun coming from start to finish.

13. Super Hybrid

I was so freakin' excited when I first saw the trailer for this movie. A new killer car movie! YES! I immediately bought it on bluray and haven't looked back since. A fun little monster movie about a killer car that is actually a shape shifting alien that eats people. It gets locked up in an impound lot and its up to the night crew to kill it. That's just so awesome. It's sadly PG-13 though. But I would compare it to a Tremors type of PG-13. Not a lot of gore but that doesn't matter.

12. Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong

This was my first big experience with Full Moon pictures. (Personally anyway) I saw this in the theatre, I experienced the entire scratch-n-sniff/3D goggles/meeting Charles Band in person. They even posted my review on their website! While the movie isn't perfect, the effects are better, and there's dick leeches. You can't go wrong!

11. The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence

HAHAHAHAHAHA Ass to Mouth 2: Fat guy jerking off with sandpaper HAHAHAHAHAHA

10. Sucker Punch

Ok, so I'm a hypocrite. This is a big budget movie that was on the big budget screen. This movie also happens to have been directed by one of my favorite directors: Zack Snyder. So suck it. This movie might be pulling ideas from everywhere but this movie wasn't meant to be original, it's meant to look good. And I loved every damn minute of it.  (Oooooo...pretty)

9. Drive Angry

Well, I've finally jumped on the Nic Cage bandwagon. This movie won me over in a million different ways. The plot completely rips off Ghost Rider, ANOTHER Nic Cage movie. This movie opened my eyes to the leg-a-licious Amber Heard (whom I later saw naked in The Joneses). This movie would be the end result of a millionaire passing away and leaving ME his inheritance. Who gives a fuck if it makes money, it's just 90 minutes of pure awesome. (I have a feeling Ghost Rider 2 will make 2012's list)

8. Kill the Irishman

I'm a little pissed that this movie killed Christopher Walken (oops...spoiler) but I'm also very pleased with the mustached Ray Stevenson. Can't argue with the senseless beatings and countless car explosions, either. (And it even has a pretty GOOD story.) Highly recommended.

7. Flesh Wounds

I fucking love ripoffs. Especially blatent ripoffs. And I just get all giddy when a ripoff blatently rips off ANOTHER rip off. Such is the case with Flesh Wounds. Kevin Sorbo (that's Hercules for all you TV folk) stars in this movie that rips off Robowar almost scene for scene which in turn rips off Predator almost scene for scene. Oh, and this exchange happens:

6. Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver

Gingerdead Man 1: The first 5 minutes are the pinnacle of Gary Busey's career. Gingerdead Man 2: A biography of Charles Band and Full Moon pictures as told through the murderous shenanigans of one Gingerdead Man. Gingerdead Man 3: The Full Moon Fan's Love Letter to a movie we never knew we wanted. This time Gingerdead Man goes back in time to 1976 to kill bitches and whip out puns quicker than a WWII Pancake Breakfast. (think about it) If this movie wouldn't have teased nudity as much as it did, it would be much higher up the list. Other than that, GREAT flick. It takes from several classic horror movies (Silence of the Lambs, Carrie), it kills some ACTUAL Full Moon fans (they won a contest to appear in a movie), AND it has some cameos from Robin Sydney of Gingerdead Man 1 and the ladies who reviewed Full Moon movies on YouTube a few times. Great Movie. Great great movie.

5. Stakeland

Vampires eating babies. That's really all that matters. Stakeland is from the folks that brought us Mulberry St., that freakin' sweet movie about rat-zombies. This time we have a post apocalypse movie with vampires. It's brutal, it's in your face, and you'll love it.

4. Attack the Block

DON'T FUCK WITH THE BLOCK! An alien monster lands on the Block. (Alien in da Hood) It shows its fierce teeth and scary face and a gang of no-good 15 year olds beat it to death. Shortly after, several MORE much larger and scarier alien monsters show up on Earth. It's up to the no-good kids on the block to kick some ass and take some names.

3. Super

Rainn Wilson pwning people IN THE FACE with a giant wrench. The hilarity never ends.

2. Priest

I LOVED this movie. I don't care how much the trailer made me think of Legion. I thought this movie was wonderful. It was short and to the point. They wasted no time with developing TOO much story, they just got right into it with the world they live in and how things work. The "Priests" are a group of...well, Priests...that are specially trained to kill the vampire monsters that live in their world. It's every bit as fun and action packed as the trailer suggests. The reason it's so good is because it plays itself straight and never once does somebody act as though they know this is a bad movie. And THAT is how you know it's awesome.

And the NUMBER ONE movie of 2011 is...

1. Hobo with a Shotgun

We all knew from the start that this movie would be movie of the year if not movie of the decade. You've got a rugged looking Rutger Hauer armed with a shotgun and a whole lot of suppressed rage. Team him up with a "looking for a better life" prositute and put them against a gang of good for nothing street punks and drug dealers, add in a whole heaping pile of unneccesary violence and practical gore...and you have yourself Hobo with a Shotgun. Your 2011 movie of the year.

Honorable Mentions (because I have not yet seen them):

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (Snowmobile IN THE FACE)
Nude Nuns with Big Guns (I believe there is only one nude nun and she has a medium gun but this title still kicks ass)
Norweigan Ninja (Oh yeah, this needs to happen)
Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (Dr. Uwe Boll is at it AGAIN with his immortal Bloodrayne vs Clint Howard and Nazi Vampires) Available on Netflix Instant.
Tucker and Dale vs Evil (JUST TODAY came on Netflix Instant.)


  1. Great list!
    There was a Tremors tv series (yes, really) and it wasn't even PG-13, it was just PG, yet it was VIOLENT, it was gory as hell! As in R-rated gore, and I don't mean a pansy Amerikanski R, no I mean a fuckin' hardcore Australian R! Haha!

  2. Classic man. I love your unforgiving love of bad.

  3. Well well well! SOMEBODY'S back to full steam!

    And now I've got to see Super and Flesh Wounds. I've ALWAYS loved pipe wrenches used as weapons and I wanna see those two share an awkward man-hug in the jungle.

  4. Killer list! The Flesh Wounds dialogue was hilarious.

  5. Thanks for your feedback everyone! I forgot to mention that Flesh Wounds is currently on Netflix Instant, so you all should watch it this weekend!

  6. Dug your list, my favorite for the year was Mega Python v. Gatoroid, and a recent inclusion, In the Name of the King: Two Worlds (Uwe Boll and Dolph killed it!) I actually got a lot of stick on Tumblr from some teen girls for calling Sucker Punch a glorified Axe body spray commercial (they accused me of being a "mansplaner") Also loved your inclusion of Kill the Irishman.

  7. Good list... I gotta see 'Super'...

  8. DTV: I seriously considered MPvG, I did really like that movie. It was a tie between that one and Evil Bong 3 but I liked my experience with EB3 more. BUT everyone should see MPvG anyway, that movie is awesome and Tiffany and Debbie Gibson are STILL smokin hot.

    Kev - yes you do need to see it. It's every bit as great as the trailer suggests. The humor is so dark, I love it. Kick Ass can Suck Ass cuz Super pwns it IN THE FACE. (With a wrench)