Wednesday, December 15, 2010

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

Alright! Time to wash yourselves clean of the tragedy that was Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. New story, new characters, Ricky is back from the dead and murdering EVERYONE! New plot and this movie even has a tagline! "Better Watch Out" Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 even has Bill Moseley!

Ah, fuck.

God damn it. Part 3 had it all but it fucked up so bad. What happened?

The Premise: Ricky is in a coma from the first one and has had some brain reconstructive surgery so he can live. But he's in a coma. So how do they talk to him? Recruit a blind telepath to speak with him in her dreams. She makes contact, he awakes, and stalks her...killing everyone in the way.

Oh my god, telepathy? REALLY? That's the route you decide to take with SNDN 3. The tagline is right...Better Watch Out! FOR SHIT! This movie dddrrrraaaagggssss. It's only your standard 90 minutes but it feels like 90 YEARS. It took me a cup of coffee and TWO energy drinks to get through this fucking thing. Take it from me folks, this movie is not worth it.

What? Was Eric Freeman too busy with his "career" to reprise his role?
Oh sweet memories of Part 2. Why did you have to ruin them Part 3? WHY!?

UUGGHHH what a disaster. Not only did I have an illegal amount of caffeine in my body as I was watching this, I also did 2 loads of clothes, sorted my mail, cleaned up the living room, and took a brief nap during this movie. And I still understood what was going on, you know why?

No plot. There's absolutely no reason for anything to be happening. It's Just. Not. There. Sure, that blind chick is linked to the killer and he's after her but for what purpose? Who gives a shit? Isn't he supposed to be PUNISHING people? Or shooting people while shouting hilarious lines so that people 20 years from then could make hilarious internet videos? What the fuck?

And the actors are just, just awful. How did the lead woman get this job? Blowjobs. That's how. It's the only way. She plays a blind woman. And apparently that means that you don't have ANY facial expressions WHATSOEVER. Come on lady, ACT! That's your fucking job! ACT! It's ok to smile or look frightened, blind people do that too. Blind people just can't SEE, they still know how to move their face. Fuck.

And then the climactic ending came. Ricky was heading in on the girl. All the shit that has been happening has all been leading up to this moment. Then the brother...

 This guy.

...breaks through the door with a shotgun in his hand. (Here comes the infamous climactic one liner!)

"Is it live or is it Memorex?"

HAHAHAHAHA Oh my god, he just said that. And then right after he says that...nothing. Just 5 seconds of complete nothing. He just stands there. FUCK MAN! SHOOT HIM! Then finally...he shoots. And then it wasn't even a good shot, cuz well...I'm too tired to care to type about this anymore.

Don't watch this movie. I only did because I wanted to do Silent Night, Deadly Night week here at the Reality but man Jesus that was a waste of time. I don't say that very often but damn. I can't stress this enough, Not Worth It.

Unless you really want to take a nap. Then this movie rules \m/


  1. Hey man, I appreciate you enduring the pain for our benefit. As curator and ringmaster of The Reality you perform a valuable service to society, watching all the really shitty movies so we don't have to. You are a saint among men, bro : )

    (sorry, I haven't been around much this week. I've had a bad case o' the crankies, although you exposing me to GARBAGE DAY!! has definitely helped in that regard!)

  2. That's what I do here. Watch the worst so you don't have to.

    And that's alright you haven't been around. There's no quotas for comments around here. Although I do enjoy them lol.

    And oddly enough...people really like commenting on SNDN. It's crazy.