Friday, September 17, 2010

I think Satan is stalking me.

Satan, seriously dude, what’s up? Why are you stalking me? I’ve busted you TWICE in the past week eyeing me. That time I was making a right turn to go into work and you inhabited the body of that black guy. Then he shot evil stares of death through my window and rearview mirror straight into my heart. I felt you. I know it was you.

And just now, on my way to Jimmy Johns (I only ate it cuz they had dollars subs…suckers) you took the form of a pierced lip little emo bitch riding a Mongoose bicycle. Why are you staring me down like that? Do you fear me? Are you trying to kill me with eye bullets? You know you actually have to project something for it to kill me. Maybe your just trying to “will” it. Think hard enough and maybe I’ll just die.

Well you know what buddy, I can’t handle your shit any longer. I thought we were cool but I guess I was wrong. I watch all those horrible movies as a loyal servant of your evil army. I enjoy the death and blood of strangers. But yet you turn on me. ME!? I will tolerate it no more.

Fortunately I think this is dead.

That’s right bitch, LOOK AT IT. It makes your eyes bleed doesn’t it? DOESN’T IT? I bet you fucking like that don’t you. I see how you are, you sick bastard. Fucking take one of these.

This is a picture from Wishmaster 3: The Gaymaster.

A ha! I see now that your defenses are starting to buckle. Perhaps you’d like to apologize? Maybe you just want to talk. Well talk to this dicklips.

OH GOD! MINE EYES! I’ve blinded myself and probably everyone reading this. See what you’ve done. I hate you. Go to hell. Oh wait…

Alright, let’s talk. So what’s up Satan? Why are you on me all of a sudden. That’s twice now in the last week you’ve sent up two of your minions after me. I drive past them and they just stare me down. It’s like straight out of a horror movie. You know what I’m talking about…that horribly clichéd scene when the main characters drive past a creepy dude and he stares at them…cuz he's creepy. That’s exactly what its like.

And I know how these things end. I’ve seen enough shitty movies to know that not long from now I’m going to be having sex with some chick with huge breasts and then hot spears of fire will be shoved into my ass making me explode. Painting the walls red. With blood. My blood. Because I’m dead. FUCK YOU SATAN.

So let’s talk deal. I’ll stop doing whatever the hell it is that I’m doing that’s pissing you off and you just call off the dogs. There’s no need for this to get out of hand. I’ve watched every Bruce Campbell movie to date and I have a sure knowledge of how to defeat you. Chainsaws and one-liners. So don’t push it man. I want to be friends, so let’s be friends. Take my hand…


May God have mercy on your soul. And for the poor bastard that was inevitably murdered by a pack of Re-Animator fans after watching this music video.


  1. probably the weirdest way I have ever seen anyone review/talk about horror movies, but bloody loved it. Maybe Satan will come back to form and send you decent horror movies from now on.

  2. lol thanks! I seriously had 2 dudes in the last week stare me down as I was driving around, it was weird. So I felt compelled to write something about it. And then I figured...what the hell...I throw a bunch of embarrasing horror pictures and videos at him to teach him a lesson.

  3. You tell him who can take numerous hours of torture

  4. That's right Betty. We're better than that asshole anyday. I'd like to see him sit through Battle Queen 2020 in its entirety.