Thursday, April 5, 2012

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Frankenhooker (1990)

Any man that says they wouldn't pay to hit this is a LIAR!

I'm sure you can figure out what kind of movie this is. It's called Frankenhooker and the poster art looks pretty crazy. Obviously this is a movie about a woman turned into a hooker the Frankenstein way. But if there's any inkling that you want to dismiss this movie, I will win you over with two words:

Exploding Hookers.

Ah, I see you have all left to go buy this movie. I'm not offended. I'm quite proud actually. I'll just go grab another cup of coffee and we can finish this thing in a moment.


Welcome back. Frankenhooker is the story of a man...he's a super genius underground scientist. He makes wacky "brain with one eye" creatures and remote control lawn mowers. The lawn mower leads to the accidental death of the love of his life. He takes her head and keeps it preserved until he can figure this thing all out. So he's going to build another body. One problem...he needs parts.

Stop. This movie sounds kind of similar. Where else have I seen this before?

They even came out the same year! This is bigger than The Abyss/Leviathan/Deep Star Six conspiracy!

So the scientist dude (Jeffrey) needs lady parts...but where? Oh yeah...hookers. They're perfect! They're hot, they're easy, and nobody gives a shit if you kill them. So he has a huge party where about 8 hookers show up. He starts feeling them all up, checking out their legs and arms and tits and everything to make sure they're up to snuff for his creation. But...the hookers take a hit of some stuff that Jeffrey had lying around for body preservation AAAANNNNDDD they all explode. It's probably the greatest hooker related sequence of events to transpire in a movie ever. I rewound it and watched again. (This time with some uplifting patriotic music blaring through my speakers!) So he takes the parts...

When building your own Hooker, why not use ALL of the tits?

And he finally puts together his beautiful fiance again. She's hot, she's stacked, and now with all the hooker parts she wants to GET PAID TO GET LAID!

I wouldn't suggest the BJ's though. There's a problem with the oral matrix.

From there things get pretty crazy. She roams the mean streets of New York asking everyone if they want a piece of her action and then she promptly kills them all. (cuz she's technically a zombie) Then the movie comes to a violently gorey end and I'm left alone on the couch with a stain on my jeans.


This is one movie that you HAVE to see. It's so hilarious and so crazy. I won't lie, it gets pretty wacky. But it's an adult kind of wacky, so it's a lot more fun. And the effects in this movie are outstanding. Lots of practical, built monsters and creatures and exploding hookers. It's all just so wonderful. (Also, this is from the guys that brought us Basket Case and McBain, 2 other extremely amazing movies) So, next chance you get, go to Amazon and buy the bluray. I still have my old copy but as soon as I get the extra money I'm buying this. It's worth every penny.


  1. Have you ever heard of Machine Head? It's an Australian Re-animator/Frankenhooker style movie! (and it may or may not be terrible, I'm not sure, since I haven't seen it yet)

  2. No I have NOT heard of that movie! But thank you for telling me about it, it looks fucking awesome! I must find a copy immediately. Hell, maybe I'll hold onto that piece of precious win for next year's Royale :D

    The cover looks like Frankhooker meets Evil Dead 2! HAHAHAHA

  3. Heh, LOVE your hooker building advice! Great review, dude.