Saturday, October 1, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 1

Today, October 1, 2011, the Bad Movie Roulette wheel decided my fate:

So be it.

The Bad Movie Roulette wheel decided upon Diary of a Cannibal. (Rated 1.6 on IMDb, I laugh in your face) What a great way to kick off a month full of awful. This movie just doesn't know when to quit. First: This movie is entirely flashbacks and slow mo. Seriously, if Ulli Lommel would just cut the slow mo this'd be 30 minutes long. That might ALMOST be tolerable. Although I don't see many people outside of myself actually getting past the opening credits. You know your in for a shitstorm immediately.

The story is told through flashbacks. This chick kills her boyfriend and eats him and the police catch up to her and interview her to figure out what happened. So she goes through the story and we watch as the "drama" unfolds between her lover and herself. But her lover is TOTALLY ok with dying. So he let her kill him and she grilled up his body. (A Char-Broil, really? Get a Weber bitch)

Ulli really tries to be stylish. I can give a little credit there. But he's just trying way too fucking hard. This type of style should be kept to specific scenes not a feature length film. But whatever, who am I to judge? I mean, he only killed the guy around the 30 minute mark and CONTINUED to flashback to their happy existence together. WHY SHOULD I CARE? He's fucking DEAD. Move on. I want to see her go on an eating binge. For fucksake, she was in a women's prison. WOMEN'S PRISON! Do you have any idea how much epicness could have happened there?

And 1 death. I wasted 80 minutes for ONE DEATH. Fuck you Ulli Lommel.

This was fucking hard to get through. I've seen some shit but this...I would go out of my way to buy this movie so I could burn it. This is that bad. If you were my friend and I saw this on your shelf, we would no longer be friends. There is no way anyone would buy this movie, watch it, and then continue to keep it just in case they want to see it again. NO WAY.

I'm gonna get stuck watching another Ulli Lommel movie. I just know it. After the Roulette wheel picked this one, I put the remaining 4 into the Big Blue Bowl of Destiny. It's not fair.

It can only go up from here.


  1. Ulli Lommell? Haha! Sorry your roulette had to pick his movies! You are in for a terrifying slice of fresh cenobitic hell!

    As for Zombie Nation, it is terrible, but put up against the rest of Lommell's (recent) filmography, it's one of his good ones. It can only go DOWN from Diary of a Cannibal (unless any of them have Gunther Ziegler in them, he's awesome!).

    Well, not only do I have Ulli Lommell films on my shelf, but I purchased many of them at the 'reasonable' price of about ten bucks...seriously...*sigh* the things I do for my blog...

    As help, I do know what good movies Ulli Lommell has made! They are...ttsssccccchchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  2. I'm so sorry you had to watch this!

  3. Chris - since you do it for your blog I think I could give you a pass. I did it for my blog. I'd almost buy it to display it proudly on the shelf of survival.

    Ty - me too. What was I thinking?

  4. Yeah, the wife recently bought a Weber and they do make a SOLID grill, and we just bought the basic kettle-style charcoal grill.

    LOL. I love her grilling the meat before she eats it (I'm assuming from what I saw in the trailer). That's just lame. If you're going to make a film about cannibalism you need raw flesh being ripped apart and large amounts of blood dripping from chins and flowing over exposed breasts, am I right?

  5. Oh, and LOVE the header! I forgot how well Bale can bring home the crazy :D