Today, October 1, 2011, the Bad Movie Roulette wheel decided my fate:
So be it.
The Bad Movie Roulette wheel decided upon Diary of a Cannibal. (Rated 1.6 on IMDb, I laugh in your face) What a great way to kick off a month full of awful. This movie just doesn't know when to quit. First: This movie is entirely flashbacks and slow mo. Seriously, if Ulli Lommel would just cut the slow mo this'd be 30 minutes long. That might ALMOST be tolerable. Although I don't see many people outside of myself actually getting past the opening credits. You know your in for a shitstorm immediately.
The story is told through flashbacks. This chick kills her boyfriend and eats him and the police catch up to her and interview her to figure out what happened. So she goes through the story and we watch as the "drama" unfolds between her lover and herself. But her lover is TOTALLY ok with dying. So he let her kill him and she grilled up his body. (A Char-Broil, really? Get a Weber bitch)
Ulli really tries to be stylish. I can give a little credit there. But he's just trying way too fucking hard. This type of style should be kept to specific scenes not a feature length film. But whatever, who am I to judge? I mean, he only killed the guy around the 30 minute mark and CONTINUED to flashback to their happy existence together. WHY SHOULD I CARE? He's fucking DEAD. Move on. I want to see her go on an eating binge. For fucksake, she was in a women's prison. WOMEN'S PRISON! Do you have any idea how much epicness could have happened there?
And 1 death. I wasted 80 minutes for ONE DEATH. Fuck you Ulli Lommel.
This was fucking hard to get through. I've seen some shit but this...I would go out of my way to buy this movie so I could burn it. This is that bad. If you were my friend and I saw this on your shelf, we would no longer be friends. There is no way anyone would buy this movie, watch it, and then continue to keep it just in case they want to see it again. NO WAY.
I'm gonna get stuck watching another Ulli Lommel movie. I just know it. After the Roulette wheel picked this one, I put the remaining 4 into the Big Blue Bowl of Destiny. It's not fair.
It can only go up from here.