The 15 GREATEST MOVIES of 2011!

2011 is drawing to a close (good riddance). It may have been a rollercoaster of a year personally, but it was a pretty amazing year for movies. Now, this time of year always calls for a "Best of" List and believe me that is what you're going to get. BUT! This list isn't like all of those other pussy lists out there only showing you what was in theatres and what has name brand actors. Oh no, although I enjoy those movies just as much as the next guy, they just aren't as great as these...

15. Rubber

Killer. Fucking. Tire. Need I say more? This movie actually has a lot more going for it than just a murderous telekinetic tire. It knows it's a bad movie and it plays on that so well.

14. Ferocious Planet

The Maneater series keeps kicking more and more ass. This one stars the guy from Stargate Atlantis and John Rhys Davies. The government is working on a top secret machine that opens a visual portal to another dimension but when they turn it on...it SENDS them to another dimension. This movie wastes no time and keeps the fun coming from start to finish.

13. Super Hybrid

I was so freakin' excited when I first saw the trailer for this movie. A new killer car movie! YES! I immediately bought it on bluray and haven't looked back since. A fun little monster movie about a killer car that is actually a shape shifting alien that eats people. It gets locked up in an impound lot and its up to the night crew to kill it. That's just so awesome. It's sadly PG-13 though. But I would compare it to a Tremors type of PG-13. Not a lot of gore but that doesn't matter.

12. Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong

This was my first big experience with Full Moon pictures. (Personally anyway) I saw this in the theatre, I experienced the entire scratch-n-sniff/3D goggles/meeting Charles Band in person. They even posted my review on their website! While the movie isn't perfect, the effects are better, and there's dick leeches. You can't go wrong!

11. The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence

HAHAHAHAHAHA Ass to Mouth 2: Fat guy jerking off with sandpaper HAHAHAHAHAHA

10. Sucker Punch

Ok, so I'm a hypocrite. This is a big budget movie that was on the big budget screen. This movie also happens to have been directed by one of my favorite directors: Zack Snyder. So suck it. This movie might be pulling ideas from everywhere but this movie wasn't meant to be original, it's meant to look good. And I loved every damn minute of it.  (Oooooo...pretty)

9. Drive Angry

Well, I've finally jumped on the Nic Cage bandwagon. This movie won me over in a million different ways. The plot completely rips off Ghost Rider, ANOTHER Nic Cage movie. This movie opened my eyes to the leg-a-licious Amber Heard (whom I later saw naked in The Joneses). This movie would be the end result of a millionaire passing away and leaving ME his inheritance. Who gives a fuck if it makes money, it's just 90 minutes of pure awesome. (I have a feeling Ghost Rider 2 will make 2012's list)

8. Kill the Irishman

I'm a little pissed that this movie killed Christopher Walken (oops...spoiler) but I'm also very pleased with the mustached Ray Stevenson. Can't argue with the senseless beatings and countless car explosions, either. (And it even has a pretty GOOD story.) Highly recommended.

7. Flesh Wounds

I fucking love ripoffs. Especially blatent ripoffs. And I just get all giddy when a ripoff blatently rips off ANOTHER rip off. Such is the case with Flesh Wounds. Kevin Sorbo (that's Hercules for all you TV folk) stars in this movie that rips off Robowar almost scene for scene which in turn rips off Predator almost scene for scene. Oh, and this exchange happens:

6. Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver

Gingerdead Man 1: The first 5 minutes are the pinnacle of Gary Busey's career. Gingerdead Man 2: A biography of Charles Band and Full Moon pictures as told through the murderous shenanigans of one Gingerdead Man. Gingerdead Man 3: The Full Moon Fan's Love Letter to a movie we never knew we wanted. This time Gingerdead Man goes back in time to 1976 to kill bitches and whip out puns quicker than a WWII Pancake Breakfast. (think about it) If this movie wouldn't have teased nudity as much as it did, it would be much higher up the list. Other than that, GREAT flick. It takes from several classic horror movies (Silence of the Lambs, Carrie), it kills some ACTUAL Full Moon fans (they won a contest to appear in a movie), AND it has some cameos from Robin Sydney of Gingerdead Man 1 and the ladies who reviewed Full Moon movies on YouTube a few times. Great Movie. Great great movie.

5. Stakeland

Vampires eating babies. That's really all that matters. Stakeland is from the folks that brought us Mulberry St., that freakin' sweet movie about rat-zombies. This time we have a post apocalypse movie with vampires. It's brutal, it's in your face, and you'll love it.

4. Attack the Block

DON'T FUCK WITH THE BLOCK! An alien monster lands on Earth...in the Block. (Alien in da Hood) It shows its fierce teeth and scary face and a gang of no-good 15 year olds beat it to death. Shortly after, several MORE much larger and scarier alien monsters show up on Earth. It's up to the no-good kids on the block to kick some ass and take some names.

3. Super

Rainn Wilson pwning people IN THE FACE with a giant wrench. The hilarity never ends.

2. Priest

I LOVED this movie. I don't care how much the trailer made me think of Legion. I thought this movie was wonderful. It was short and to the point. They wasted no time with developing TOO much story, they just got right into it with the world they live in and how things work. The "Priests" are a group of...well, Priests...that are specially trained to kill the vampire monsters that live in their world. It's every bit as fun and action packed as the trailer suggests. The reason it's so good is because it plays itself straight and never once does somebody act as though they know this is a bad movie. And THAT is how you know it's awesome.


And the NUMBER ONE movie of 2011 is...


1. Hobo with a Shotgun

We all knew from the start that this movie would be movie of the year if not movie of the decade. You've got a rugged looking Rutger Hauer armed with a shotgun and a whole lot of suppressed rage. Team him up with a "looking for a better life" prositute and put them against a gang of good for nothing street punks and drug dealers, add in a whole heaping pile of unneccesary violence and practical gore...and you have yourself Hobo with a Shotgun. Your 2011 movie of the year.


Honorable Mentions (because I have not yet seen them):

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (Snowmobile IN THE FACE)
Nude Nuns with Big Guns (I believe there is only one nude nun and she has a medium gun but this title still kicks ass)
Norweigan Ninja (Oh yeah, this needs to happen)
Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (Dr. Uwe Boll is at it AGAIN with his immortal Bloodrayne vs Clint Howard and Nazi Vampires) Available on Netflix Instant.
Tucker and Dale vs Evil (JUST TODAY came on Netflix Instant.)

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Flesh Wounds (2011)

None of what is going on in that poster happens in this movie. There's no minigun, no mechsoldier, no asians, nothing.

But it look pretty good right?

I need to dust off the old review box and pull out a goodie from last September. ROBOWAR. By all means, read that review. It's actually quite amazing. It's one of the few from my virgin blogger days that was pretty good. But I know that a lot of you out there are short on time so I'll give you the lowdown: ROBOWAR is a carbon copy of Predator....if you were to replace the Predator Alien with a cyborg and you were to put the production into the hands of the people that brought us Troll 2 and Strike Commando. What you end up with is a disaster of epic proportions that not only is as entertaining as Predator (in an unintentional kinda way) but just an all around good time. Plus it's got Reb Brown. Reb Brown is my hero.

Fast forward 20+ years. It's now 2011. Robowar is long forgotten. (In the real world, not in MY reality goddammit) Now we have Flesh Wounds. What is Flesh Wounds? Flesh Wounds is a carbon copy of Predator....if you were to replace the Predator Alien with a cyborg and you were to put the production into the hands of some guy named Dan Garcia. (Producer of Da Block Party and Da Block Party 2!) Mix in one bored out of his mind Kevin Sorbo and you have yourself one hell of a WIN COCKTAIL!

Let me break down the similarities between Flesh Wounds and Predator for you. After watching 3 minutes of this movie, I knew I was in for one hell of a ripoff so I started taking notes. 2 pages later...

• Special team shows up to headquarters via helicopter immediately following the opening scene featuring some unidentifiable enemy.
• Someone says, "That pencil pushing prick will have my balls."
• There's ONE chick that joins the Special team.
• Their mission is to go out into the swamp (SEE DIFFERENT! NO SWAMPS IN PREDATOR) and shoot some rogue terrorists positioned there. What the special team doesn't know is that there's something else out there waiting for them.
• The puerto rican dude above grabs a machine gun and shouts while shooting wildly into the woods.
• The same puerto rican dude stops suddenly and "senses" something in the woods.
• The first kill from the cyborg is from a laser blast. (Which they never actually show the weapon. Where the fuck does it come from!?)
• There's some POV infrared shots and that same clicky noise the Predator makes.
• The cyborg can also turn itself invisible.
• Someone exclaims, "I saw it...I SAW IT!"
• Puerto Rican dude again says, "He was right here, something came down and snatched him."
• There's a scene where everyone fires all their weapons wildly into the jungle.
• When we get our first good shot of the cyborg...he has two forearm sleeves
• One has a control panel similar to the detonator on the Predator.
• The other has ONE long NON-retractable blade.
• There's a robot fixing itself scene.
• It even screams when it fixes its leg.
• The team sets up a parameter and the cyborg trips it on purpose.
• Kevin Sorbo exclaims, "This thing is hunting us!"
• Sorbo makes mention of a chopper many times but when he yells at the girl to go, get out of here, he doesn't say GET TO THE CHOPPA! What. The. Fuck.
• It quickly boils down to Sorbo vs Cyborg. No mud though.

American World Pictures...FUCK YEAH!

I hope I didn't spoil anything for you...but there isn't anything to spoil when you've already seen it before. There are a couple of noteworthy things to mention: First: The cyborg sucks brains. HOLY SHIT that's awesome. It just swoops down after murdering someone and jams something in their skull and sucks that sweet red pulpy goodness outta there. The second: Bokeem Woodbine. I knew I recognized that son of a bitch the first time I saw him. He's in all kinds of good shit, check out his filmography. He's a hell of an actor. (at least in those movies) The third: It's only 80 minutes long. The pace is incredible and the action, albeit not the greatest coordination, is still pretty good.

I'm sure you're running to the store to buy this thing. PREDATOR RIPOFF! FUCK YES! I NEED TO OWN THIS! And trust me...I'm with you. I said the same thing. But for everything thing this movie does that's awesome (in the baddest of ways), it also does an equal amount of actual sucking. The script is about as solid as my stool after a night of Taco Bell. For nearly the entire movie Kevin Sorbo looks just fucking bored. He's got that "god please nobody watch this movie" look on his face. There is one time that he finally snaps and explodes on the screen....it's so epic. The kills are good, the gore is actually pretty awesome. But there's just a fuckton of directorial issues. Water on the camera lens so you can't see what's going on, that kinda thing. No big deal. And then we get to the final showdown between Sorbo and Cyborg and honestly...the cyborg just fucking stands there while Sorbo shoots 2 automatic weapons at it, unloads TWO pistols, throws a grenade, AND detonates an even bigger bomb. WOW.

But in the end, I liked it. It doesn't overstay its welcome. You pretty much know from the trailer that you're walking into a Predator ripoff. I knew that a long time ago. (I'm on the cutting edge of BAD around here) The production and acting is really good at times and then almost immediately falls off the cliff a second later. It's quite the bad movie roller coaster. It's hard to tell if they're trying to make a movie or if it just keeps happening by accident. Just don't walk into this thing with expectations. You will get nothing out of it. But for me, I have another Sorbo Ripoff to add to my collection and I, for one, am proud of that.

Flesh Wounds is no Robowar, Robowar is fucking amazing, I don't think you could do a ripoff quite like the italians do but it's still a good time if your looking to kill some time. Or have a Predator ripoff night.

Kevin Sorbo has some new Flesh Wounds

HOLY SHIT! This looks like Hercules vs the Borg. I'm in.

I hinted at this last week. (And I base this off the trailer) This movie is one amazing looking Rip Off...of a Rip Off. Anyone remember my Robowar review? Basically Robowar is Predator, shot for shot, if the Predator were a Robot.

Now we have Flesh Wounds. Which looks like its Robowar...if it starred Kevin Sorbo.

Yes. This is gonna be awesome!

You know, last night I watched another Kevin Sorbo ripoff: Never Cry Werewolf. It is a SHOT FOR SHOT ripoff of Fright Night. It has it all. I was blown away. I mean, wow. (review soon) But if Flesh Wounds is anything like that, then we are in for a GOOD TIME! I love ripoffs. I don't know why. Maybe its just fun to sit and watch these movies in anticipation for the next scene they steal.

Dear god, is Kevin Sorbo the next Reb Brown? You know...cuz Reb Brown did all those ripoffs in the 80s...Strike Commando, Robowar, Yor. I hope so. That'd be awesome.

Anyway, Flesh Wounds: SYNOPSIS!

On a remote US Army facility that officially doesn’t exist, a top-secret group of scientists conduct weapons research when they’re horribly and suddenly ripped apart by an unseen enemy.

With the disappearance of the scientists blamed on terrorists, an elite covert ops team commanded by Lt. Tyler (Kevin Sorbo) is tasked with recovering the missing personnel within 24 hours as well as keeping the operation strictly off the books. Accompanied by CIA escort Cassandra Mason (Heather Marie Marsden), Tyler’s team arrives in country only to find the scientists already dead. They’ve been savagely dismembered, and as one of the team observes, "There’s no way an AK-47 can do this to a man." Tyler’s commandos engage the terrorists, but after the slaughter it’s apparent the supposed terrorists are actually a contingent of US soldiers on a training exercise. Something far stronger and more dangerous than terrorists has mutilated the scientists.

Pentagon machinations aside, Mason points out that Tyler’s job is just to shoot his gun and keep his mouth shut. But as the bodies pile up and the deadline closes in, the reason for the secrecy becomes clear. Tyler and his team have been sent to destroy a prototype super soldier, and this mission they may not return from.

Well that is pretty revealing. And pretty much exactly what happens in Robowar. And Predator. BUT it's totally different. This has Kevin Sorbo. And scientists. This is gonna be awesome.

Look for Flesh Wounds to hit DVD on July 28th. Hopefully this goes straight to Netflix Instant. I need to see this.