BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Flesh Wounds (2011)

None of what is going on in that poster happens in this movie. There's no minigun, no mechsoldier, no asians, nothing.

But it look pretty good right?

I need to dust off the old review box and pull out a goodie from last September. ROBOWAR. By all means, read that review. It's actually quite amazing. It's one of the few from my virgin blogger days that was pretty good. But I know that a lot of you out there are short on time so I'll give you the lowdown: ROBOWAR is a carbon copy of Predator....if you were to replace the Predator Alien with a cyborg and you were to put the production into the hands of the people that brought us Troll 2 and Strike Commando. What you end up with is a disaster of epic proportions that not only is as entertaining as Predator (in an unintentional kinda way) but just an all around good time. Plus it's got Reb Brown. Reb Brown is my hero.

Fast forward 20+ years. It's now 2011. Robowar is long forgotten. (In the real world, not in MY reality goddammit) Now we have Flesh Wounds. What is Flesh Wounds? Flesh Wounds is a carbon copy of Predator....if you were to replace the Predator Alien with a cyborg and you were to put the production into the hands of some guy named Dan Garcia. (Producer of Da Block Party and Da Block Party 2!) Mix in one bored out of his mind Kevin Sorbo and you have yourself one hell of a WIN COCKTAIL!

Let me break down the similarities between Flesh Wounds and Predator for you. After watching 3 minutes of this movie, I knew I was in for one hell of a ripoff so I started taking notes. 2 pages later...

• Special team shows up to headquarters via helicopter immediately following the opening scene featuring some unidentifiable enemy.
• Someone says, "That pencil pushing prick will have my balls."
• There's ONE chick that joins the Special team.
• Their mission is to go out into the swamp (SEE DIFFERENT! NO SWAMPS IN PREDATOR) and shoot some rogue terrorists positioned there. What the special team doesn't know is that there's something else out there waiting for them.
• The puerto rican dude above grabs a machine gun and shouts while shooting wildly into the woods.
• The same puerto rican dude stops suddenly and "senses" something in the woods.
• The first kill from the cyborg is from a laser blast. (Which they never actually show the weapon. Where the fuck does it come from!?)
• There's some POV infrared shots and that same clicky noise the Predator makes.
• The cyborg can also turn itself invisible.
• Someone exclaims, "I saw it...I SAW IT!"
• Puerto Rican dude again says, "He was right here, something came down and snatched him."
• There's a scene where everyone fires all their weapons wildly into the jungle.
• When we get our first good shot of the cyborg...he has two forearm sleeves
• One has a control panel similar to the detonator on the Predator.
• The other has ONE long NON-retractable blade.
• There's a robot fixing itself scene.
• It even screams when it fixes its leg.
• The team sets up a parameter and the cyborg trips it on purpose.
• Kevin Sorbo exclaims, "This thing is hunting us!"
• Sorbo makes mention of a chopper many times but when he yells at the girl to go, get out of here, he doesn't say GET TO THE CHOPPA! What. The. Fuck.
• It quickly boils down to Sorbo vs Cyborg. No mud though.

American World Pictures...FUCK YEAH!

I hope I didn't spoil anything for you...but there isn't anything to spoil when you've already seen it before. There are a couple of noteworthy things to mention: First: The cyborg sucks brains. HOLY SHIT that's awesome. It just swoops down after murdering someone and jams something in their skull and sucks that sweet red pulpy goodness outta there. The second: Bokeem Woodbine. I knew I recognized that son of a bitch the first time I saw him. He's in all kinds of good shit, check out his filmography. He's a hell of an actor. (at least in those movies) The third: It's only 80 minutes long. The pace is incredible and the action, albeit not the greatest coordination, is still pretty good.

I'm sure you're running to the store to buy this thing. PREDATOR RIPOFF! FUCK YES! I NEED TO OWN THIS! And trust me...I'm with you. I said the same thing. But for everything thing this movie does that's awesome (in the baddest of ways), it also does an equal amount of actual sucking. The script is about as solid as my stool after a night of Taco Bell. For nearly the entire movie Kevin Sorbo looks just fucking bored. He's got that "god please nobody watch this movie" look on his face. There is one time that he finally snaps and explodes on the screen....it's so epic. The kills are good, the gore is actually pretty awesome. But there's just a fuckton of directorial issues. Water on the camera lens so you can't see what's going on, that kinda thing. No big deal. And then we get to the final showdown between Sorbo and Cyborg and honestly...the cyborg just fucking stands there while Sorbo shoots 2 automatic weapons at it, unloads TWO pistols, throws a grenade, AND detonates an even bigger bomb. WOW.

But in the end, I liked it. It doesn't overstay its welcome. You pretty much know from the trailer that you're walking into a Predator ripoff. I knew that a long time ago. (I'm on the cutting edge of BAD around here) The production and acting is really good at times and then almost immediately falls off the cliff a second later. It's quite the bad movie roller coaster. It's hard to tell if they're trying to make a movie or if it just keeps happening by accident. Just don't walk into this thing with expectations. You will get nothing out of it. But for me, I have another Sorbo Ripoff to add to my collection and I, for one, am proud of that.

Flesh Wounds is no Robowar, Robowar is fucking amazing, I don't think you could do a ripoff quite like the italians do but it's still a good time if your looking to kill some time. Or have a Predator ripoff night.