BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

Silent Night, Deadly Night is a movie that takes everything you love about Christmas: Family, Friends, Love, Presents, Santa Claus, Cookies, Christmas Trees, Bright Lights, Sleigh Bells; and it shoves all that shit into a box. Then Silent Night, Deadly Night wraps that box in beautifully blue foil wrapping, placing a decorative bow on top. Then it puts that present under a Christmas tree. Once there, the present and tree are dowsed in kerosene and lit on fire. And once the fire is nothing but ash, Silent Night, Deadly Night takes a huge piss all over it, laughter ringing into the night.

That’s Silent Night, Deadly Night baby! (now to be referred to as SNDN)

SNDN fucking hates Christmas. Whoever made this movie probably does too. The whole point of this movie is to take cherished aspects of Christmas and completely punish them with every conceivable over the top act possible.

PUNISH!

That’s the central theme of this movie. PUNISH, MUST PUNISH! There ain’t to “Sleigh Bells are you listenin?” here. Fuck that shit, I want to see a topless Linnea Quigley getting impaled on a set of antlers.

I just saved you a hour and a half of your life.

And there’s a lot of Nunsploitation going on in this movie too. I think whoever made this movie must have been an orphan at one point or another. SNDN hates nuns. There’s some nun getting their ass kicked for having gratuitously naked sex. That’s awesome.

SNDN is basically about this guy that witnessed his parents getting brutally murdered by some guy in a Santa suit as a child. That was right after his insane Grandpa told him that Santa likes to punish people who haven’t been nice ALL YEAR. “Christmas Eve is the scariest day of the whole year!” So this kid has some Santa issues. He grows up and gets a job at a toy store. (Uh, Oh.) Santa calls in sick so said guy has to play the part…and he snaps. From there the movie is just one kick ass murder after another. The cops really don’t catch on until the one hour mark and shortly after the movie comes to an end. The greatest ending ever.

“You’ve been naughty.” (That's all I'll say on the matter)

You know, it’s been a few years since I’ve visited Silent Night, Deadly Night. I really enjoyed this one a lot more this time around than I did the previous times. Maybe I’m just desensitized to it or my standards for cinema are at an all-time low but I really liked it. The movie set out to be as offensive and balls out insane as possible and it did that exceptionally. I mean, what better way to be offensive then to punch Christmas in the face. It doesn’t get much worse than that. Except for maybe Santa rapin some bitches…which this movie does.

Definitely add SNDN to your yearly holiday bad movie cycle. It’s worth the watch. Very nostalgic over the top 80’s slasher in the vein of Friday the 13th or My Bloody Valentine. Except the killer doesn’t hide from the camera like a pussy, Santa wants his fucking presence known!

As for the sequels…we will see. I’ve never seen them…but as a holiday treat to myself I will this year. I got Part 2 on VHS (or as my friends call it, Part 1.5), and Parts 3-5 together on one DVD set. So we will see just how terrible this franchise is. I’ve heard just awful, awful, heartwrenching, painful things about the sequels.

I can’t wait!

I think Satan is stalking me.

Satan, seriously dude, what’s up? Why are you stalking me? I’ve busted you TWICE in the past week eyeing me. That time I was making a right turn to go into work and you inhabited the body of that black guy. Then he shot evil stares of death through my window and rearview mirror straight into my heart. I felt you. I know it was you.

And just now, on my way to Jimmy Johns (I only ate it cuz they had dollars subs…suckers) you took the form of a pierced lip little emo bitch riding a Mongoose bicycle. Why are you staring me down like that? Do you fear me? Are you trying to kill me with eye bullets? You know you actually have to project something for it to kill me. Maybe your just trying to “will” it. Think hard enough and maybe I’ll just die.

Well you know what buddy, I can’t handle your shit any longer. I thought we were cool but I guess I was wrong. I watch all those horrible movies as a loyal servant of your evil army. I enjoy the death and blood of strangers. But yet you turn on me. ME!? I will tolerate it no more.

Fortunately I think this is dead.

That’s right bitch, LOOK AT IT. It makes your eyes bleed doesn’t it? DOESN’T IT? I bet you fucking like that don’t you. I see how you are, you sick bastard. Fucking take one of these.

This is a picture from Wishmaster 3: The Gaymaster.

A ha! I see now that your defenses are starting to buckle. Perhaps you’d like to apologize? Maybe you just want to talk. Well talk to this dicklips.



OH GOD! MINE EYES! I’ve blinded myself and probably everyone reading this. See what you’ve done. I hate you. Go to hell. Oh wait…

Alright, let’s talk. So what’s up Satan? Why are you on me all of a sudden. That’s twice now in the last week you’ve sent up two of your minions after me. I drive past them and they just stare me down. It’s like straight out of a horror movie. You know what I’m talking about…that horribly clichéd scene when the main characters drive past a creepy dude and he stares at them…cuz he's creepy. That’s exactly what its like.

And I know how these things end. I’ve seen enough shitty movies to know that not long from now I’m going to be having sex with some chick with huge breasts and then hot spears of fire will be shoved into my ass making me explode. Painting the walls red. With blood. My blood. Because I’m dead. FUCK YOU SATAN.

So let’s talk deal. I’ll stop doing whatever the hell it is that I’m doing that’s pissing you off and you just call off the dogs. There’s no need for this to get out of hand. I’ve watched every Bruce Campbell movie to date and I have a sure knowledge of how to defeat you. Chainsaws and one-liners. So don’t push it man. I want to be friends, so let’s be friends. Take my hand…

…AND DIE!



May God have mercy on your soul. And for the poor bastard that was inevitably murdered by a pack of Re-Animator fans after watching this music video.