Last week I put up a challenge to watch this movie. I noticed that it was on Netflix Instant Watch and it turns out that a couple guys took me up on that challenge. One had already seen the movie and absolutely loved it and the other hadn't seen it yet but already had it in his queue. The three of us got talking and decided that this movie is so fantastically bad that we wanted to try something a little different. We were going to each review this thing and combine it together on our respective sites for one AMAZING TRIPLE REVIEW (each unique to our sites of course). Three different personalities, three different points of view, one amazing movie.
Here is the result...
Thanks to Mr. Gable's challenge that he posted on his blog (linked to http://mrgablesreality.blogspot.com/2011/03/challenge-garbage-pail-kids-movie.html), I finally got up the guts to watch The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Even though I have heard tons of bad things about this movie, it wasn't enough to prepare me for what I was in for.
Here's what others have said about this movie:
- "...the most universally panned movie of all time..." - X-Entertainment.com
- "...a movie made by people who obviously should not have made a movie..." - BadMovies.org
- "I feel raped. I feel honest to God raped by this movie. It is that bad." - ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com
Here's what I have to say about this movie:
- I only wish I could have seen this movie when I was a little kid. Because this is the kind of movie that little kids should never see.
As a little kid I was just as fascinated with sex, violence, nastiness, and scariness as I am now. The problem was that, as a little kid, I couldn't get access to what I wanted. I couldn't get into R rated movies, I couldn't get into X rated movies, I couldn't buy porno mags, I couldn't do shit.
But I COULD get into a PG rated movie, and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie would have scared the crap out of me and rotted my brains, not to mention given me a boner or two. If only I could have gone.
If you're wondering what a PG rated movie that's supposedly for kids is doing on a horror blog, the answer is this: The Garbage Pail Kids puppets are truly terrorizing in this movie. There's something deeply disturbing about midgets in costumes with enormous misshapen heads and malfunctioning puppet faces. Their eyes are always walleyed or crosseyed, each eye never looks in the same direction. This means they can't really look at who they're talking to. The directors seemed to realize this, so they just have the puppets wildly roll their eyes all over the place while they're talking. Or should I say attempting to talk, because their mouths can neither open all the way nor close all the way. Its all very fucking frightening.
This happens at least 247 times during the movie.
There's one GPK named Ali Gator (above) who is continually eating severed toes and eyeballs out of a lunchbox. I'm pretty sure that would have given me nightmares.
Most critic complaints about the movie seem to be with the GPKs belching, farting, puking and snotting all over the place, but A) what did you expect, have you SEEN the Garbage Pail Kids cards?, and B) that's NOTHING compared to the incredible amount of perverted and even borderline illegal material in this movie. Just check this shit out:
The hot 80's babe named Tangerine takes off her shirt in just about every single scene she's in, and even though she's still wearing a bra, that would have been enough to take my young junk down to chubby town. Plus there was the statutory-rapey way that Tangerine always treats the young boy Dodger, its totally disgusting, inappropriate, and extremely encouraging for any young pervert.
Oh, and then there's this totally creepy pedophilia scene where all the GPKs, boys AND girls, watch young Dodger take a bath, and Ali Gator even tries to give him a shrimp job. Well, I suppose maybe he was trying to bite his toes off, but who could blame someone for getting mixed signals in that situation?
There is definitely some non-consensual little-people crotch-grabbing in the bar fight scene when one tough guy picks Ali Gator up over his head by grabbing him by his neck and his junk. I guess midget rights have come a long way since 1987.
My pervy young self would have popped plenty a boner during the scene where the GPKs start rape-tearing clothes off of runway models during a fashion show. This was sharking before sharking was cool. In fact they might even have invented sharking. (This paragraph is Mr. Gable APPROVED.)
There are several scenes where GPK Nat Nerd wets his pants, but in one of them the urine stream is clearly OUTSIDE his pants, which means he's rocking out with his cock out. This was years before I learned about golden showers.
Those 2 on the right sure do enjoy getting pissed on.
That's some pretty heavy duty shit for a PG rating, and that's just to name a few. I think anyone who isn't a total idiot expected the movie to be gross and disgusting, but The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is downright debauched and depraved. Its A Serbian Film for kids. Its a bad movie, (it has 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and zero stars on worst-movie-ever lists everywhere), but its also bad for society. This movie is probably to blame for several of the rapists and sexual deviants walking our streets. But since I never got to see it when I was a little kid, its definitely not the excuse for how I turned out.
Guts and Grog Reviews
Read Guts and Grog's GPK review here.
People like to complain about this movie, they talk about how bad and cheesy and ridiculous it is. Excuse me? Are you talking about that movie based off a set of trading cards where they shit their pants and vomit and fart a lot? I would just like to let everyone know that that movie staring The Fat Boys as orderlies isn't Oscar worthy. Jesus people, what did you expect? I am sorry Orson Wells did not come back from the dead to lens this modern masterpiece of farts and vomit. I will take the next sentence or two to explain this gem, if it takes that long.
And Mr. Gable will insert a random clip.
Dodger works at the antique store from Friday the 13th: the series, he is like 12 and in love with a twenty something year old who is boning a Kevin Dillon lookalike reject named Juice who has nothing to do with 2Pac. Juice and his gang? (one douche in a fishnet vest and some viking woman in some gross ass leotards) like to fuck with Dodger and Tangerine doesn't seem to mind. A fight ensues and the gross Garbage Can that Captain warned him is the only thing not to fuck with of course opens up. Dodger is thrown into the sewer where we finally meet our friends the GPK. They get him all cleaned up, piss shit and puke on him (most movies with this I have to get at a different kinda store). Well for the next hour we see the kids make him some "sweet" stylish cloths that Tangerine can exploit by shoving her hot little 80's boobies in his face. The kids get into trouble and all kinds of shenanigans ensue. They meet up with some bikers at the toughest bar in the world. This is good as they will need their help when the poor little shits get taken to the asylum for the ugly. Well you get it, it is pretty God damn basic but what the fuck did you expect.
In closing I will reiterate, how do you not know what to expect? I mean its the mother fucking Garbage Pail Kids. I used to ride my Schwinn Predator (not that dude in the windowless van with unlimited candy or the alien warrior but a sweet bike) to the corner store with whatever change I could scrounge up just to buy a pack and laugh my ass off at what clever bodily function they made a character out of. This movie is by no means perfect, it like the bible: its full of plot holes and confusing and supposedly has a message but is so convoluted it is laughable, but I will take the same stance many people seem to take on the bible and look the other way and just accept it. I mean for fucks sake its the God damn Garbage Pail Kids, I don't remember Jesus giving anyone a hot lunch, if he did I may of taken a different path in this life. So I guess what I am saying is don't be a pussy. GPK for life.
Mr. Gable's Reality
I can sum up the epicness of the Garbage Pail Kids with one scene. Windy Winston jumps up on a bar and farts in this guys face so hard that his mustache blows off. HAHAHAHA FUCK YEAH! Garbage Pail Kids.
Embrace the bad.
I knew, I KNEW, from the opening credits this was gonna rock. The opening was almost like a rip on Star Trek with a floating space Garbage Pail cruising around. And when it told me this was a Topps Trading Cards production...oh yes my friends. How can you go wrong?
I really don’t know much about the Garbage Pail Kids. I vaguely remember the cards growing up. I just knew they were the really amazing answer to the Cabbage Patch Kids. Fuck those guys, GPK for life bitches. But then it was so freakin awesome that they made a movie. And not just any kind of movie...a live action movie. A live action movie done with a bunch of midgets in oversized costumes.
This is what every other movie is missing.
So this movie is about a bunch of nasty little dudes from a garbage pail. They never explain where it comes from or why its in an antique shop. It’s just there. (I guess we can assume its from space...but who fucking cares.) And then all of a sudden these guys escape after the shop owner, who also happens to be some kind of shitty warlock, explicitly tells his illegal underage employee NOT to open it. Then they get out, they cause a little bit of a stir. And then they decide to help make clothes.
FUCK YES! I LOVE THE 80’S! YOU JUST NEVER SEE THESE THINGS COMING!!!
These little shits, instead of going out and causing an amazingly large amount of mayhem and nastiness, decide to help this kid make clothes. (It reminds me of a sweatshop really.) You see, the kid loves this chick that’s way older than he is. She’s so freakin HOT. She wears outfits that rival most Parker Brother’s board game covers. So obviously she knows a lot about fashion.
The many faces of Tangerine. One.
And it turns out she’s apart of this crappy little gang who likes to beat up the boy. So she has a plan to exploit the GPK for her personal gain and you know what? GPK ain’t havin none of that.
So what ensues is the most amazing journey of farts, vomit, pissing, and biting people’s toes off that you have ever been a part of. Not to mention one of the greatest 80's soundtracks known to man. This movie needs to be seen to be believed. It’s outrageous sure but that’s to be expected, is it not? This movie...THIS MOVIE would have defined my childhood had I known about it. Fuck I’m so pissed I never got a chance to see it until now. THIS would have changed EVERYTHING. I know if I had seen this when I was younger, it would have been my favorite movie. Bar. None.
So if you’re readin’ this review and your smilin’ like a squid, YOU can be a Garbage Pail Kid!! Watch it on Netflix Instant NOW.