Monday, February 13, 2012

ANNOUNCING: The Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012 (You Pick a Contestant)





The Bad Movie Battle Royale returns in 2012 with matchups so explosive that they will ignite the fuse of our imminent destruction! Last year I reviewed 12 movies. I then created characters in the Nintendo 64 video game: WWF: No Mercy. Why that game on that ancient system? Because I haven't really caught up with the times and I like that game. So I create characters that look ridiculous and give them attributes that somewhat mirror their movie. (So let's say ORCA: THE KILLER WHALE. He used his tail and mouth a lot in the movie, so I gave a lot of his offense to his head and legs.) After I had reviewed all 12 movies, created all the characters, I put them in a King of the Ring bracket style match up and let them go wild. It came down to Panman vs TerrorVision and TerrorVision brought home the gold.

Relive the chaos from last year in Round 1, Round 2, Round 3, and Round 4.

This year, I'm doing basically the same thing...but better. Looking back on last year, there is definitely room for improvement. First: There will be 16 contestants in the Royale. No First Round Bye's this time. It's a free-for-all and there will be no handicaps given. Second: There will be 2 Royale's. What I mean is, it isn't just enough that these bad movies get one shot at the title of supreme champion. They need 2. So...we will be doing the King of the Ring brackets AND there will be a Royal Rumble as well. The winner of the KotR and the RR will face off in a championship match to decide which is the greatest piece of shit of 2012! Third, it's going to be all computer all the way. I will control no characters this time. Last year's computer match ups were much more interesting then the one's I played in and I don't want there to be any disputes over who is the greatest of them all. And finally, this year I'm going to be filming this thing. Last year, I typed out all the matches and spiced it up with some of my own commentary. This year, you'll get to SEE the action take place. It's just going to be me recording the computer screen with my camcorder BUT that's ok because I'll be right there behind it shouting and cheering and drinking heavily. So it'll make for excellent entertainment.

That being said, keep it here tomorrow to see your first 4 contestants. I'm changing it up this year. I've decided to keep the contestants a secret and instead first reviewing the film THEN creating the characters.


I'm going to give you the chance to put a favorite in the Royale. Is there a personal favorite you'd like to see go toe to toe with histories finest junk films? Perhaps you'd like to see the fighting power of Troll 2 or the grappling styles of Manos: The Hands of Fate? Sound off in the comments and we'll put them up for a vote!

(Feel free to choose any movie I have already reviewed, the only exceptions are all of the contestants from last year.)


  1. If you REALLY want to hate me, I could recommend a few certain movies! haha! Ok, I want you to suffer (mwuhahaha), I 'recommend' Trash Humpers, We Are the Strange (the whole movie's on youtube), or Daniel the Magician (an Ulli Lommel painfest...oh who am I kidding, this is Ulli Lommell! Make that, soulcrush-fest! mwuhahaha!)

    By the way, I just read your (hilarious!) post on people who censor swearwords with asterixs. What's really funny is that a while ago, I saw a comment on a website that talked about J*pan! Hahahaha!!!!

  2. Or is this only for movies that have been reviewed already?

  3. Oh no, ANY movie is fair game. ANYTHING you want to see in the Royale. I meant that if you wanted to go to the Vault and pick a movie I've already reviewed that you liked then by all means let it be known.

    OR if you feel like torturing me and throwing in big headed cheeseball into the Royale, that's just fine by me. I can take it! :D

    I look forward to the possibility of Trash Humpers. That would make for one hell of a finisher!

  4. I love Trash Humpers. I took a couple friends to see it in the theater and after they looked like they were gonna murder me. So good.

  5. OH! The McBaining would be oh so sweeeeeeeeeet.

  6. Not that this will come as a surprise, but my money is on Gamera all the way, baby! Unless you think he's too powerful, being the guardian of the fucking universe and all.

  7. So someone could, say, nominate Robowar? Because someone should have suggested Robowar like a decade ago.

    In case someone already has and I just missed it, my second choice is Yor: Hunter From the Set of Space Mutiny. I mean From the Future.

  8. HAHA I'm getting a lot of love for Robowar. You and dtvconnoisseur have mentioned it.

    Wouldn't that be crazy if Robowar and Yor met in the final championship!

  9. Anything with Reb is gold! or Out For A Kill with Steven Seagal!

    Also if you have to watch more Ulli Lommel movies, i'm so sorry.

  10. oh shit Ty, I forgot to put Out For A Kill for a VOTE! I'm sorry.