BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Cyborg 3: The Recycler (1995)

Good GOD! Malcolm McDowell can't even save this poster. WHAT. THE. FUCK!? I feel like I need to apologize for even posting it. Fuck, that's terrible. And WHY!? Why are you copying Alien3. NOBODY WOULD WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE IF THAT'S YOUR POSTER. I could do better in MS Paint.

Ahhhh...much better.

THE TRAILER:

Ah fuck it, I couldn't find the trailer on YouTube. So instead, here's the FULL MOVIE!

I'll just go get some more coffee while you watch this. Trust me, don't let that poster fool you, this movie is awesome.

REVIEW:

So I had my reservations about Cyborg 3. Why? I have no idea. I don't know why I have reservations about movies anymore. I'll fucking jump right into Manos: The Hands of Fate but Cyborg 3? I'll refuse to watch it because it "might not be good enough." What the fuck does that mean? And why am I quoting myself? I don't know and I don't care.

Cyborg 1 was pretty cool, the story was pretty muddled and all over the place but I'm also aware that there was A LOT of problems with that movie from script issues to cutting the movie. But it's Van Damme so I gotta love it. Cyborg 2 was pretty bad ass. Naked Angelina Jolie. One-Liner shouting Jack Palance. You just can't go wrong! But Cyborg 3 takes a different turn...mind you, it still continues the story from part 2, replacing Angelina Jolie with some noob...but in this movie, the Cyborg gets.....pregnant.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh yeah, this movie is going to be fucking awesomely terrible. I couldn't wait. I didn't even know that going in. We were just flipping around Netflix Instant and since we'd seen the first 2 we figured that we need to see the third. So we watched it. And after seeing the opening credits I was actually pretty excited.

• Zach Galligan (Billy from Gremlins)
• Malcolm McDowell (The Nexus dude from Star Trek: Generations)
• Richard Lynch (Star of COUNTLESS B-Movies)
• William Katt (Star of House and ugh...House 4)
• Andrew Bryniarski (Street Fighter, hell yeah)
• And with effects by John Carl Buechler (The guy behind Troll and Ghoulies 3)

There's just so much B-Movie nerdness going on I could hardly contain myself. And it progressed so nicely because they'd kill off one B-Movie star and almost immediately introduce another one. It was fucking FANTASTIC!

I'd like to point out John Carl Buechler for a moment. I really really enjoy his special effects. They aren't always perfect but they are EXACTLY what I want to see. They're all puppets and practical. It all moves pretty well and for what it is...it looks really good. The guy is pretty creative and his designs are pretty out of this world. And anything from the 80's through the 90's is pretty much the same, as far as I'm concerned. After seeing that clip for The Eden Formula I'm kinda concerned that maybe he's lost his touch. But that's ok, I will always remember him for all that he's done.

So Cyborg 3. The story is basically about this guy called The Recycler. He hunts down cyborgs and sells them for scrap. Cyborgs fear him. He has his eye (literally, he's got one good eye and one cybernetic implant that looks like some kind of shitty Borg prototype) on this one Cyborg because he finds out that she's pregnant. This is unique as this has never happened before. So he follows her into the desert where they all eventually end up in fabled Cytown (It has a fucking SIGN and everything) where there are tons of beat up old Cyborgs living. The Cyborgs rise up, get upgraded, and fight back. Game over.

Cytown had so much potential. Zach Galligan played a creator character. He designed and built cyborgs for a living before everything went to shit. So he ends up in Cytown with a bunch of beat up Cyborgs that need his help. And they find out that their defenses are down and an army of Recyclers are on their way to Cytown to wipe them out. What I was really really hoping for was that Zach Galligan would rig up weapons on ALL of the cyborgs. So they'd each have like chainsaw hands, axehead fists, machine gun ears, that kinda thing. (I was hoping for a Short Circuit 2 type montage) All we got was ONE guy (shown in the poster above) that recommended uzi's be attached to his hands. At least THAT guy understands my cyborg blood lust. Oh well, the ending was still pretty epic without the weaponized Cyborgs.

This movie's pacing is pretty awesome. It's one epically bad scene after another. There's so many good quotes. So much so that people can form entire trailers out of them. This movie will have you shaking your head and laughing your ass off. It's so awesome. THESE are the kinds of bad movies that I live for. I hate that I ever had reservations about it. It's Cyborg 3 motherfuckers. Love it. And you really don't need to watch parts 1 or 2, they vaguely tie in. You won't be stumped on the story here. But parts 2 and 3 are on Netflix Instant so that's a pretty good night right there watching them back to back.

I recommend this to anyone that likes bad movies and is looking for a "good" bad movie to watch. There's a lot to admire in the "good-bad" department with this movie. It's....it's awesome.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Storm Trooper (1998)

Nope, Storm Trooper is not a rip off of Star Wars. It's a combination rip-off movie. The title is designed to "excite" and "stimulate" nerds by its tantalizing visuals of real Storm Troopers...

God bless 'em.

...and the main character is a cyborg policeman. Or a ROBOCOP. But wait...for 70 minutes of the movie he doesn't know it so it's totally not the same.

Where oh where do I begin with this beautiful trainwreck. Ok, I got it...you see that poster up there...the one that says Corey Feldman and two other people nobody cares about. Well first off...those people are in this movie for like 20 minutes. But that's not the big thing here....there are two other far SUPERIOR actors in this movie that have A LOT of screen time but I guess just weren't good enough to be featured on the cover art AND not even have their name mentioned anywhere. Those two guys are....Zach Galligan (A bearded Zach Galligan) whom you would know as the lead guy in the Gremlins movies. Something he was quite famous for. And the other actor....although not very famous but an epically failed actor....Rick Hill. Or as the circles I run in know him as...Deathstalker. Bitches get moist.

I shit you not, I bought this movie as one of those shitty sci-fi 4 packs at Wal-Mart for $5...and this was the last movie that I really wanted to see but it happened to be the first one I actually watched on it. It also happened to be 3 am and I was cracked out on energy drinks so I was basically out of my mind at the time. So I figured what the hell...I could go for some Zach Galligan. So I put this in and little to my surprise Motherfucking Rick Hill pops up on the screen. I nearly pissed myself with excitement. Fucking Deathstalker...who knew? And it turns out...he's the main character. Wow...this movie hates itself so bad that it doesn't even want to include any main actors on its cover. Sheesh.

This movie starts out with an escape. Two cyborgs escape a lab...one is killed, and of course Deathstalker survives. Well they try to capture him in a couple of insane attempts....one including charging him with a jackknifed semi...but he survives. (CUZ HE'S MOTHERFUCKING DEATHSTALKER!!) Then we sidebar over to another story. A tragic story of an abused housewife. And while the husband is being an asshole she kills him. And it's around this point that Robocopdeathstalker and successfulrevengemurderhousewife's lives meet. And for one reason or another neither of them seem to mind. Well almost immediately they start to fall in love. Presumably because the housewife just can't stand to go more than five minutes without suffering a good beating. And as they fall in love more people attack the house looking for Robocop. They fail and then some special forces guys are called in. It is at around the 60 minute mark when this movie really starts to kick ass.

Allow me to tell you a story...the story of Rick Hill. Although this man wields several weapons including pistols, shotguns, and grenades...never once do I recall him actually killing anyone with any of them. This man has balls the size of pumpkins. This guy's motto is, "Bullets are for Pussies." So he goes on a massive...and I mean massive...rampage of snapping necks, slitting throats, and stabbing stabbing stabbing. It is by far the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I can't recall an android having such terrible aim...but at the same time kicking so much ass. This motherfucker kills with his bare fucking hands. The Deathstalker way.

And then the movie comes to its end. Quite simply the most gorgeous trainwreck of an ending I have ever seen. You know how a lot of movies kind of fall apart and give up on themselves. Well this movie does all that but on such a level that it's like watching fireworks. It makes no coherent sense at all but it's the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. (SPOILERS ENSUE) So after Robocop kills all of the special forces guys he is disabled by their commander. Zach Galligan returns to retrieve his missing property. His job is to go in and "turn it off." But what he does instead is "reset it". So instead of Deathstalker thinking its human, it goes into Robocop mode. It wakes up, kills Zach and then sees the dead husband on the floor. It pulls a fingerprint off the body and goes downstairs. It then kills the commander (if I remember that right...he dies somehow) and the abused housewife embraces him...because she loves him. Well Robocop pulls her away and analyzes her fingerprints...and goes into arrest mode. So it chases her around the house and outside. She finds a grenade that was conveniently pointed out earlier in the film and blows up Robocop. But it comes back....looking all melted and badass. It pokes out her eyeball and she kills it. Or it dies. (Forgive me, it was 3 in the morning) But from here she goes back in the house...changes clothes...takes Corey Feldman's eyepatch...picks up a gun, a sword, and other weapons...sets a bomb in the house...rides out on a motorcycle in the rain...blows up the house...and rides off into the night to fight the evil corporation that created Rick Hill.

AHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA oh my GOD! That is the most amazing ending to a movie that I have ever seen. I can't believe it. I don't know how they did it but this movie somehow managed to turn an abused housewife into Commando. Fuck me that's awesome.

You know what, this movie was worth the $5. I'd recommend it to anyone looking for a really good trainwreck. It's full of cliches and just terrible story plots. They loosely string together but its so much fun watching it all fall apart. I'd really recommend this to people who are "cast" type people like I am. I really get kicks out of shitty movies that I know who the actors are. It just makes it that much more fun. I thought I'd regret that purchase but now I'm looking forward to the other 3 pieces of shit this thing came with. Up next: The Sender starring Michael Madsen and R. Lee Ermey.

Oh boy...