BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Cyborg 3: The Recycler (1995)

Good GOD! Malcolm McDowell can't even save this poster. WHAT. THE. FUCK!? I feel like I need to apologize for even posting it. Fuck, that's terrible. And WHY!? Why are you copying Alien3. NOBODY WOULD WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE IF THAT'S YOUR POSTER. I could do better in MS Paint.

Ahhhh...much better.

THE TRAILER:

Ah fuck it, I couldn't find the trailer on YouTube. So instead, here's the FULL MOVIE!

I'll just go get some more coffee while you watch this. Trust me, don't let that poster fool you, this movie is awesome.

REVIEW:

So I had my reservations about Cyborg 3. Why? I have no idea. I don't know why I have reservations about movies anymore. I'll fucking jump right into Manos: The Hands of Fate but Cyborg 3? I'll refuse to watch it because it "might not be good enough." What the fuck does that mean? And why am I quoting myself? I don't know and I don't care.

Cyborg 1 was pretty cool, the story was pretty muddled and all over the place but I'm also aware that there was A LOT of problems with that movie from script issues to cutting the movie. But it's Van Damme so I gotta love it. Cyborg 2 was pretty bad ass. Naked Angelina Jolie. One-Liner shouting Jack Palance. You just can't go wrong! But Cyborg 3 takes a different turn...mind you, it still continues the story from part 2, replacing Angelina Jolie with some noob...but in this movie, the Cyborg gets.....pregnant.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh yeah, this movie is going to be fucking awesomely terrible. I couldn't wait. I didn't even know that going in. We were just flipping around Netflix Instant and since we'd seen the first 2 we figured that we need to see the third. So we watched it. And after seeing the opening credits I was actually pretty excited.

• Zach Galligan (Billy from Gremlins)
• Malcolm McDowell (The Nexus dude from Star Trek: Generations)
• Richard Lynch (Star of COUNTLESS B-Movies)
• William Katt (Star of House and ugh...House 4)
• Andrew Bryniarski (Street Fighter, hell yeah)
• And with effects by John Carl Buechler (The guy behind Troll and Ghoulies 3)

There's just so much B-Movie nerdness going on I could hardly contain myself. And it progressed so nicely because they'd kill off one B-Movie star and almost immediately introduce another one. It was fucking FANTASTIC!

I'd like to point out John Carl Buechler for a moment. I really really enjoy his special effects. They aren't always perfect but they are EXACTLY what I want to see. They're all puppets and practical. It all moves pretty well and for what it is...it looks really good. The guy is pretty creative and his designs are pretty out of this world. And anything from the 80's through the 90's is pretty much the same, as far as I'm concerned. After seeing that clip for The Eden Formula I'm kinda concerned that maybe he's lost his touch. But that's ok, I will always remember him for all that he's done.

So Cyborg 3. The story is basically about this guy called The Recycler. He hunts down cyborgs and sells them for scrap. Cyborgs fear him. He has his eye (literally, he's got one good eye and one cybernetic implant that looks like some kind of shitty Borg prototype) on this one Cyborg because he finds out that she's pregnant. This is unique as this has never happened before. So he follows her into the desert where they all eventually end up in fabled Cytown (It has a fucking SIGN and everything) where there are tons of beat up old Cyborgs living. The Cyborgs rise up, get upgraded, and fight back. Game over.

Cytown had so much potential. Zach Galligan played a creator character. He designed and built cyborgs for a living before everything went to shit. So he ends up in Cytown with a bunch of beat up Cyborgs that need his help. And they find out that their defenses are down and an army of Recyclers are on their way to Cytown to wipe them out. What I was really really hoping for was that Zach Galligan would rig up weapons on ALL of the cyborgs. So they'd each have like chainsaw hands, axehead fists, machine gun ears, that kinda thing. (I was hoping for a Short Circuit 2 type montage) All we got was ONE guy (shown in the poster above) that recommended uzi's be attached to his hands. At least THAT guy understands my cyborg blood lust. Oh well, the ending was still pretty epic without the weaponized Cyborgs.

This movie's pacing is pretty awesome. It's one epically bad scene after another. There's so many good quotes. So much so that people can form entire trailers out of them. This movie will have you shaking your head and laughing your ass off. It's so awesome. THESE are the kinds of bad movies that I live for. I hate that I ever had reservations about it. It's Cyborg 3 motherfuckers. Love it. And you really don't need to watch parts 1 or 2, they vaguely tie in. You won't be stumped on the story here. But parts 2 and 3 are on Netflix Instant so that's a pretty good night right there watching them back to back.

I recommend this to anyone that likes bad movies and is looking for a "good" bad movie to watch. There's a lot to admire in the "good-bad" department with this movie. It's....it's awesome.