BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Storm Trooper (1998)

Nope, Storm Trooper is not a rip off of Star Wars. It's a combination rip-off movie. The title is designed to "excite" and "stimulate" nerds by its tantalizing visuals of real Storm Troopers...

God bless 'em.

...and the main character is a cyborg policeman. Or a ROBOCOP. But wait...for 70 minutes of the movie he doesn't know it so it's totally not the same.

Where oh where do I begin with this beautiful trainwreck. Ok, I got it...you see that poster up there...the one that says Corey Feldman and two other people nobody cares about. Well first off...those people are in this movie for like 20 minutes. But that's not the big thing here....there are two other far SUPERIOR actors in this movie that have A LOT of screen time but I guess just weren't good enough to be featured on the cover art AND not even have their name mentioned anywhere. Those two guys are....Zach Galligan (A bearded Zach Galligan) whom you would know as the lead guy in the Gremlins movies. Something he was quite famous for. And the other actor....although not very famous but an epically failed actor....Rick Hill. Or as the circles I run in know him as...Deathstalker. Bitches get moist.

I shit you not, I bought this movie as one of those shitty sci-fi 4 packs at Wal-Mart for $5...and this was the last movie that I really wanted to see but it happened to be the first one I actually watched on it. It also happened to be 3 am and I was cracked out on energy drinks so I was basically out of my mind at the time. So I figured what the hell...I could go for some Zach Galligan. So I put this in and little to my surprise Motherfucking Rick Hill pops up on the screen. I nearly pissed myself with excitement. Fucking Deathstalker...who knew? And it turns out...he's the main character. Wow...this movie hates itself so bad that it doesn't even want to include any main actors on its cover. Sheesh.

This movie starts out with an escape. Two cyborgs escape a lab...one is killed, and of course Deathstalker survives. Well they try to capture him in a couple of insane attempts....one including charging him with a jackknifed semi...but he survives. (CUZ HE'S MOTHERFUCKING DEATHSTALKER!!) Then we sidebar over to another story. A tragic story of an abused housewife. And while the husband is being an asshole she kills him. And it's around this point that Robocopdeathstalker and successfulrevengemurderhousewife's lives meet. And for one reason or another neither of them seem to mind. Well almost immediately they start to fall in love. Presumably because the housewife just can't stand to go more than five minutes without suffering a good beating. And as they fall in love more people attack the house looking for Robocop. They fail and then some special forces guys are called in. It is at around the 60 minute mark when this movie really starts to kick ass.

Allow me to tell you a story...the story of Rick Hill. Although this man wields several weapons including pistols, shotguns, and grenades...never once do I recall him actually killing anyone with any of them. This man has balls the size of pumpkins. This guy's motto is, "Bullets are for Pussies." So he goes on a massive...and I mean massive...rampage of snapping necks, slitting throats, and stabbing stabbing stabbing. It is by far the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I can't recall an android having such terrible aim...but at the same time kicking so much ass. This motherfucker kills with his bare fucking hands. The Deathstalker way.

And then the movie comes to its end. Quite simply the most gorgeous trainwreck of an ending I have ever seen. You know how a lot of movies kind of fall apart and give up on themselves. Well this movie does all that but on such a level that it's like watching fireworks. It makes no coherent sense at all but it's the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. (SPOILERS ENSUE) So after Robocop kills all of the special forces guys he is disabled by their commander. Zach Galligan returns to retrieve his missing property. His job is to go in and "turn it off." But what he does instead is "reset it". So instead of Deathstalker thinking its human, it goes into Robocop mode. It wakes up, kills Zach and then sees the dead husband on the floor. It pulls a fingerprint off the body and goes downstairs. It then kills the commander (if I remember that right...he dies somehow) and the abused housewife embraces him...because she loves him. Well Robocop pulls her away and analyzes her fingerprints...and goes into arrest mode. So it chases her around the house and outside. She finds a grenade that was conveniently pointed out earlier in the film and blows up Robocop. But it comes back....looking all melted and badass. It pokes out her eyeball and she kills it. Or it dies. (Forgive me, it was 3 in the morning) But from here she goes back in the house...changes clothes...takes Corey Feldman's eyepatch...picks up a gun, a sword, and other weapons...sets a bomb in the house...rides out on a motorcycle in the rain...blows up the house...and rides off into the night to fight the evil corporation that created Rick Hill.

AHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA oh my GOD! That is the most amazing ending to a movie that I have ever seen. I can't believe it. I don't know how they did it but this movie somehow managed to turn an abused housewife into Commando. Fuck me that's awesome.

You know what, this movie was worth the $5. I'd recommend it to anyone looking for a really good trainwreck. It's full of cliches and just terrible story plots. They loosely string together but its so much fun watching it all fall apart. I'd really recommend this to people who are "cast" type people like I am. I really get kicks out of shitty movies that I know who the actors are. It just makes it that much more fun. I thought I'd regret that purchase but now I'm looking forward to the other 3 pieces of shit this thing came with. Up next: The Sender starring Michael Madsen and R. Lee Ermey.

Oh boy...