BOOK REVIEW: Laidenn The Dark Elf

Laidenn The Dark Elf is a story of unimaginable proportions. You see, Santa has a little more up his sleeve then just plain old Christmas magic and the North Pole has a lot more to offer than just candy canes and Christmas presents. Just what the fuck am I talking about? Laidenn. The Dark Elf. That’s what.

In this story, there are two kinds of magic, the light and the dark. There are only a select few skilled and trained enough to harness the power of the dark (side) magic. Enter: Laidenn: The Dark Elf. He’s one B.A.M.F. Not only does he know the power of dark magic but he uses it. Frequently. To battle vampire elves. AND vampire snowmen.

TRUE STORY!

The North Pole is nothing like you’ve read in your stories and seen in your movies. This is a terrible place. And only Santa and Laidenn are aware of it. There is a place where evil lives in the North Pole and all hell is about to break loose THIS Christmas. The evil vampire snowmen attack Santa’s workshop and it’s up to Laidenn to set everything right.

“The pitchforks were placed by the chimney with care, in hopes that no vamp elves would appear there!” (I just made that up! Pretty awesome, huh?)

This is a children’s book.

Not kidding. This book is written and targeted for the young horror reader. New Bloods. So if you have a niece or nephew that LOVES horror movies then you need to get them this book. It’s right up their alley.

The way its written is perfect too. My feeble brain was able to follow it and comprehend it so I think any young reader would as well. The author, Lyle Perez-Tinics, does a pretty good job of keeping the writing….I don’t want to say this but it’s all I can think of right now…dumbed down. (That sounds terrible…it’s really a good thing). This keeps the action and the “scenes” moving quickly so any young reader reading this won’t be able to stop. Honestly, when I was a kid I fucking hated reading. It was like punishment. So in reality this book is perfect for kids who were like me, just dreaded reading. It’ll go quickly for them and there’s enough going on at any given point that they couldn’t possibly get bored.

And it’s only like 125 pages long, each chapter is like 3-5 pages long so there really isn’t much there that seems like a chore to read.

The story itself is pretty awesome. Lots of magic and killing. But most of it (like 90%) isn’t very gory. Instead of blood there’s red snow, etc. But there’s some decapitations and eating of the flesh. Oh right, there’s zombie elves in this story too. Forgot about that. And it makes for a pretty interesting battle in the end.

If I had to knock anything, I’d have to say that the ending felt a bit rushed. I don’t hate the ending, I actually really enjoyed the way that it ended BUT it just read like how I tend to write things. I get to a point where I just HAVE to finish the damn story so I just push it out as fast as I can and it ends up being kinda crappy. This is kinda like that, a tad rushed, not awful, but it could have been handled a little slower. But that’s me.

So in short, support your local independent writers and check out this book. It’ll make a great Christmas present for your sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, or that kid down the street! You can find it here or you can look up Lyle at his website or on his facebook page. He’s got a few other projects going on including a free zombie book and his anthology book “The Undead That Saved Christmas.” Which I’m sure you’ve already bought by now. Riiiggghhhttt???

And look for Laidenn: The Dark Elf 2 and The Undead That Saved Christmas Vol. 2 & TUTSC: Vampire edition (submissions are open now!) next year.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation

I just got done watching Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 4 and I can honestly say that I had no idea that I was actually watching that.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? You had Brian Yuzna running the show (he's the producer of all 3 Re-Animator movies), you had a fresh story, and you had Clint Howard and Reggie Bannister? HOW CAN YOU FUCK THAT UP???

Very easily.

I was really looking forward to this installment of SNDN. I love most of Yuzna's work. Mostly because everything he does is over the top gory and batshit insane. And I guess from that perspective, SNDN 4 is exactly that. But the problem is...there's barely any Christmas in this movie! This is a Christmas horror franchise...somebody needs to dress as Santa and murder lots of naked teenagers. But what did SNDN 4 do instead?

A Man-Hating Woman Cult. With giant bugs.

Dear god. That's an amazing turn of events for this franchise let me tell you. So the story starts out extremely promising. Allow me to describe the first 7 minutes of this movie. Clint Howard comes out of hobo alley and munches on a half eaten hamburger covered in ants. Then a woman leaps from the top of a building ON FIRE and splatters to the ground in front of him. And then we cutscene to a pretty awesome sex scene with epic boobage...and then there's a Reggie Bannister cameo.

Bringing sanity to bad movies everywhere.

And that's about the time you should shut this movie off. Because that's about as great as it gets. And from this point the next 20 minutes or so turn into an investigative reporter type flick. The reporter chick investigates the spontaneously combusting woman...and somehow becomes a part of the man hating woman cult. With giant bugs.

So after the first half hour, the movie just turns into one giant hour long confuse-o-thon. I swear I tried to follow what was going on but I just had no fucking clue. I'm sure it was spelled out at one point but I was so utterly mesmerized at how shitty Silent Night, Deadly Night had turned out to be that I couldn't possibly fathom the events of this movie. Why are there giant bugs everywhere? Why isn't there more Reggie Bannister in this movie? Why isn't Santa killing people? And why did they name Clint Howard's character RICKY? RICKY! The killer from parts 2 & 3...who also died in parts 2 & 3. Am I supposed to believe that this hobo is that same killer or is that some really fucked up mistake on the filmmakers part. Perhaps they forgot to watch the first 3 before they made this one. I don't know. Just seems to me that some minor detail such as that would be important.

But alas, there is some silver lining to this dark cloud. The gore is top notch. I know Brian Yuzna, and I also know he loves to get gory and gross...and he does. Quite frequently. Most of the gore and grossness involves giant bugs. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it actually grossed me out a few times, but it just isn't....Christmasy enough.

But there is one guy that is strangled to death with a strand of lights so I guess that counts for something right?

I'd actually suggest this to some people. When compared to part 3, part 4 is fucking amazing. The story is confusing but the gore and Clint Howard more than make up for it. It would be a pretty decent stand alone movie but as a member of the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise...it just does not live up to it in any way whatsoever. But if you're like me and you gotta watch them all...then you gotta watch them all. Right?

Part 5 is titled "The Toy Maker." That sounds a lot more like Christmas to me. And Yuzna is producing so I think the gore should be up to par. We will see.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

Alright! Time to wash yourselves clean of the tragedy that was Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. New story, new characters, Ricky is back from the dead and murdering EVERYONE! New plot and this movie even has a tagline! "Better Watch Out" Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 even has Bill Moseley!

Ah, fuck.

God damn it. Part 3 had it all but it fucked up so bad. What happened?

The Premise: Ricky is in a coma from the first one and has had some brain reconstructive surgery so he can live. But he's in a coma. So how do they talk to him? Recruit a blind telepath to speak with him in her dreams. She makes contact, he awakes, and stalks her...killing everyone in the way.

Oh my god, telepathy? REALLY? That's the route you decide to take with SNDN 3. The tagline is right...Better Watch Out! FOR SHIT! This movie dddrrrraaaagggssss. It's only your standard 90 minutes but it feels like 90 YEARS. It took me a cup of coffee and TWO energy drinks to get through this fucking thing. Take it from me folks, this movie is not worth it.

What? Was Eric Freeman too busy with his "career" to reprise his role?

Oh sweet memories of Part 2. Why did you have to ruin them Part 3? WHY!?

UUGGHHH what a disaster. Not only did I have an illegal amount of caffeine in my body as I was watching this, I also did 2 loads of clothes, sorted my mail, cleaned up the living room, and took a brief nap during this movie. And I still understood what was going on, you know why?

No plot. There's absolutely no reason for anything to be happening. It's Just. Not. There. Sure, that blind chick is linked to the killer and he's after her but for what purpose? Who gives a shit? Isn't he supposed to be PUNISHING people? Or shooting people while shouting hilarious lines so that people 20 years from then could make hilarious internet videos? What the fuck?

And the actors are just, just awful. How did the lead woman get this job? Blowjobs. That's how. It's the only way. She plays a blind woman. And apparently that means that you don't have ANY facial expressions WHATSOEVER. Come on lady, ACT! That's your fucking job! ACT! It's ok to smile or look frightened, blind people do that too. Blind people just can't SEE, they still know how to move their face. Fuck.

And then the climactic ending came. Ricky was heading in on the girl. All the shit that has been happening has all been leading up to this moment. Then the brother...

 This guy.

...breaks through the door with a shotgun in his hand. (Here comes the infamous climactic one liner!)

"Is it live or is it Memorex?"

HAHAHAHAHA Oh my god, he just said that. And then right after he says that...nothing. Just 5 seconds of complete nothing. He just stands there. FUCK MAN! SHOOT HIM! Then finally...he shoots. And then it wasn't even a good shot, cuz well...I'm too tired to care to type about this anymore.

Don't watch this movie. I only did because I wanted to do Silent Night, Deadly Night week here at the Reality but man Jesus that was a waste of time. I don't say that very often but damn. I can't stress this enough, Not Worth It.

Unless you really want to take a nap. Then this movie rules \m/

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. Or as my friends call it: Silent Night, Deadly Night 1.5. Because that's what it is. A rehash of part 1 combined with some new footage to create this masterpiece of editing. But we all know why we watch this movie right?

GARBAGE DAY!!! hahahahaha That scene is worth EVERYTHING!

SNDN Pt 2 is a masterpiece(ofshit) of filmmaking. It was filmed in 10 days and thrown together haphazardly to form something that has a "Part 2" added on so that they could make some bank from the "success" of the first one. I don't know how successful the original was but there was a shitload of media from it as it was protested against and banned all over the world. So obviously, with something that awesome there needs to be a Part 2 right?

So enter SNDN: Part 2. That tagline isn't lying...The Nightmare is About to Begin...AGAIN! It's true, it happens all over again. ALMOST EXACTLY. Ricky...the younger brother of Billy, the guy that was the killer santa in the first movie...is in an institution. This is where the majority of the "plot" takes place. 90% of the movie is Ricky telling the doctor about his life...starting with all the events that took place in part 1. So we flashback...and flashback...and flashback some more for FORTY MINUTES. Honestly...don't even bother watching part 1, just watch part 2 because you'll get THAT movie and THIS movie all in the same movie.

Then the NEXT forty minutes is some NEW flashbacks. Back when Ricky was growin up and bangin hot chicks. And stabbing guys with umbrellas. Well they wind up going to see THE FIRST SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT IN THE MOVIE THEATRE. And this forces Ricky to snap and go on a rampage. That part is pretty sweet, cuz it leads to this:

Then finally Ricky escapes the mental institution to seek out Mother Superior...and PUNISH her. And for some reason that the movie vaguely touches upon...she has face herpes. Well Ricky gets there, punishes her, and the movie is thankfully over. All is well with Christmas again. Or is it?

God this movie was awful. But its incredibly watchable. Somehow, it is. The flashbacks get tedious and worn out pretty quickly but just when you have had enough of them...new flashbacks happen. And then when you get tired of those flashbacks...Real time kicks in. So somehow the movie paces itself well enough that you can actually fucking sit through it.

I'd recommend this to everyone. It's a classic holiday bad movie. There really isn't anything here you can't love. GARBAGE DAY!

And this.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

Silent Night, Deadly Night is a movie that takes everything you love about Christmas: Family, Friends, Love, Presents, Santa Claus, Cookies, Christmas Trees, Bright Lights, Sleigh Bells; and it shoves all that shit into a box. Then Silent Night, Deadly Night wraps that box in beautifully blue foil wrapping, placing a decorative bow on top. Then it puts that present under a Christmas tree. Once there, the present and tree are dowsed in kerosene and lit on fire. And once the fire is nothing but ash, Silent Night, Deadly Night takes a huge piss all over it, laughter ringing into the night.

That’s Silent Night, Deadly Night baby! (now to be referred to as SNDN)

SNDN fucking hates Christmas. Whoever made this movie probably does too. The whole point of this movie is to take cherished aspects of Christmas and completely punish them with every conceivable over the top act possible.

PUNISH!

That’s the central theme of this movie. PUNISH, MUST PUNISH! There ain’t to “Sleigh Bells are you listenin?” here. Fuck that shit, I want to see a topless Linnea Quigley getting impaled on a set of antlers.

I just saved you a hour and a half of your life.

And there’s a lot of Nunsploitation going on in this movie too. I think whoever made this movie must have been an orphan at one point or another. SNDN hates nuns. There’s some nun getting their ass kicked for having gratuitously naked sex. That’s awesome.

SNDN is basically about this guy that witnessed his parents getting brutally murdered by some guy in a Santa suit as a child. That was right after his insane Grandpa told him that Santa likes to punish people who haven’t been nice ALL YEAR. “Christmas Eve is the scariest day of the whole year!” So this kid has some Santa issues. He grows up and gets a job at a toy store. (Uh, Oh.) Santa calls in sick so said guy has to play the part…and he snaps. From there the movie is just one kick ass murder after another. The cops really don’t catch on until the one hour mark and shortly after the movie comes to an end. The greatest ending ever.

“You’ve been naughty.” (That's all I'll say on the matter)

You know, it’s been a few years since I’ve visited Silent Night, Deadly Night. I really enjoyed this one a lot more this time around than I did the previous times. Maybe I’m just desensitized to it or my standards for cinema are at an all-time low but I really liked it. The movie set out to be as offensive and balls out insane as possible and it did that exceptionally. I mean, what better way to be offensive then to punch Christmas in the face. It doesn’t get much worse than that. Except for maybe Santa rapin some bitches…which this movie does.

Definitely add SNDN to your yearly holiday bad movie cycle. It’s worth the watch. Very nostalgic over the top 80’s slasher in the vein of Friday the 13th or My Bloody Valentine. Except the killer doesn’t hide from the camera like a pussy, Santa wants his fucking presence known!

As for the sequels…we will see. I’ve never seen them…but as a holiday treat to myself I will this year. I got Part 2 on VHS (or as my friends call it, Part 1.5), and Parts 3-5 together on one DVD set. So we will see just how terrible this franchise is. I’ve heard just awful, awful, heartwrenching, painful things about the sequels.

I can’t wait!

Mr. Gable's Christmas List

Well it's that time of year. Again. Christmas is just around the corner and I've completely forgotten about it. Time to hop to it and figure out just what in the hell I want for Christmas. And of course, none of it is any good. That's the way we like it around here.

 

Anything described as Re-Animator with prostitutes HAS to be in my collection.

This is just a "blind buy" for me. I love the cast, I love the premise. I just want it.

Roddy Piper as the last man capable of boning chicks. YES! And there's Mutant Ninja FROGS!

A childhood favorite. I've been trying to find a copy of this for a lifetime. DVD copies top $100.

My friends introduced me to this a few months ago. An instant classic, MUST OWN!

The greatest damn zombie movie ever made. Tom Atkins baby! And it has one of the greatest taglines of all time. It's a real shame I don't own this movie yet, but hopefully this Christmas...that will change.

I love Christmas.

El Monstro Del Mar! Bringing back the 70s!

Alright! Another 70's throwback exploitation monster movie! WWOOOO!! AND IT'S FROM AUSTRALIA!!!

Maybe it isn't a throwback, maybe the 70's have finally made their way into Australia. (Just kidding Australia)

This looks to be a pretty cool exploitation flick that turns into a monster movie. I'm getting a "From Dusk Til Dawn" kind of vibe going on here. Check out the trailer, you'll see what I mean:



See? It kind of feels like these bitches show up in this fishing town, murdering people along the way. Then they settle in and some horrible creatures show up and someone comes out with a pulsating wooden stake. Presumably to stab those tentacle things right in the heart. Or maybe those are fisherman penises, cuz those chicks have probably never seen them before. (god I'm tired, I'm making really stupid jokes)

Oh, the website has a synopsis too:

Three gorgeous but deadly hired killers, Beretta, Blondie and Snowball, hole up in a small beachside community to keep a low profile. But this town has a dark secret. The local old sea baron, Joseph, tries desperately to warn them to never go into the water. But these crazy vixens listen to no one, especially no crazy assed old fool.  So the Kraken awakes! Now, along with Joseph and his beautiful grand daughter, Hannah, they must fight for their lives against this furious creature of the deep as the sea rises in a tidalwave of blood.

Holy shit, that things the Kraken! Sweet! Oh wait, doesn't a Kraken live in the water? So can't they just get in a car and drive away? But that's really no fun so I suppose they'd just stay and shoot at it until it died or left out of boredom.

But in all seriousness this looks like a fairly decent flick. The homepage of their website is full of awards they've been receiving so that makes me feel a lot better about seeing this movie. Not that I would never watch it but you know, it makes this movie a higher priority over say...The Hills Run Red. Which I still want to see btw.

It would appear that Del Mar is currently on tour around the world going to various film festivals and getting all kinds of awards. So I would wait patiently for this to either come to your city or I'm sure a DVD release will happen shortly. I'm hoping for a direct to Netflix Instant Watch myself. Cuz that would boost it even HIGHER on my priority list. Either way, I'll let you know!

Evil Bong 3 getting a theatrical release! Plus other stuff...

It just never stops with the Charles Band around here does it? I was gonna let it go for the rest of the week but this is just too big to hold onto. Charles Band's Evil Bong 3: The Wrath of Bong is coming to theatres! On 4/20/11! (hehehe get it? 4:20? fucking Dave's not here man!) This is huge news because its probably been a decade since they've put a film into theatres.

And not ONLY is there a theatrical release but there's going to be lots of audience participation as well. First, its in 3D, a technology Mr. Band probably pioneered...or at least is familiar with. I know we're all getting sick of 3D...but this is Evil Bong 3D. That is ok. And in addition to 3D, there's going to be Smell-o-vision. So when you go to the theatre you'll get a little scratch and sniff card that you'll be able to smell as the movie plays. All kinds of CRAZY SHIT! WWWOOOO!!!

Who knew Evil Bong would go this far. That's pretty awesome. And did you know that we Full Moon fans helped to make this possible? It was about 6 months ago when Mr. Band requested titles and ideas for a new Evil Bong movie. Anybody could pitch anything. The top 20 were pulled together and we all got to vote on the best one. Wrath of Bong was that winner. Here were some of my ideas...

EVIL BONG 3: BONGDEMIC
EVIL BONG 3: WEREBONG
EVIL BONG 3: BONGHUNTER
EVIL BONG 3: GOD BONG
EVIL BONG 3: ADVENTURES THROUGH THE BONG OF TIME
EVIL BONG 3: DELTA KAPPA BONG
EVIL BONG 3: BONGMAN
EVIL BONG 3.0: CYBERBONG
THE BABES OF BONG ISLAND: EVIL BONG 3
EVIL BONG 3: XMAS BONG
EVIL BONG 3: THE BONG MASTER
EVIL BONG 3: BONGSQUAD
EVIL BONG 3: BERMUDA BONG

And of all of those, none of them were chosen for the top 20. Come on man! XMAS BONG!

Oh well, I'm done rambling, I'll let Charles Band himself fill in the rest:



FROM THE PRESS RELEASE:

CHARLES BAND and Full Moon 3-D present the theatrical release of

“EVIL BONG 3-D: THE WRATH OF BONG”

to be presented in 3-D and “Sniff -O-Rama”

Release date:
National Pot Day – April 20, 2011

Charles Band is proud to announce the Full Moon 3-D theatrical presentation of “EVIL BONG

3-D: THE WRATH OF BONG”, the latest entry in his smash hit stoner “EVIL BONG” series. The theatrical release of “EVIL BONG 3-D: THE WRATH OF BONG” will be presented in 3-D and “Sniff-O-Rama”.

Charles Band, the Chairman and Founder of Full Moon Features was a leading force in the 1980’s rebirth of 3-D. Charles knows what the audience wants out of 3-D, having directed the 3-D features “PARASITE” starring Demi Moore (1982) and “METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN” (1983).

Charles Band says…”Audiences go to 3-D movies for one reason; to have things thrown at them, to be thrilled, to duck and to reach out to touch things, and we’re not going to let them down”. “EVIL BONG 3-D: THE WRATH OF BONG” will feature “the record amount of naked alien beauties, boobies, and reefer hits to ever be presented in 3-D”.

In “EVIL BONG 3-D: THE WRATH OF BONG” an evil alien bong crashes on earth. Its intent; world domination. Our stoner heroes are transported to the alien bong home world and held captive by nude alien beauties. Their only hope to escape and save planet earth; EBee, the original Evil Bong.  The original whacked out cast of stoners from EVIL BONG 1 + 2 returns.

 “EVIL BONG 3-D: THE WRATH OF BONG” will utilize classic showmanship techniques including 3-D glasses and scratch and sniff cards. This will be a wild and crazy “THE ROCKY PICTURE SHOW” like experience with audience participation.

Charles Band will visit select cities in person and present a live stage show before showings of “EVIL BONG 3-D: THE WRATH OF BONG”.  These special roadshow events will feature celebrity appearances, contests, audience participation, and collectables for sale in the lobby.

“EVIL BONG 3-D: THE WRATH OF BONG” will be released on National Pot day April 20, 2011. Advance screenings will be held in select cities.

ABOUT CHARLES BAND

Charles Band has sustained a remarkable track record as an industry pioneer over the past thirty years, With 300 feature films under his belt, the Chairman and Founder of Full Moon Pictures shows no signs of slowing down.

In 1977, when no one in the industry shared his vision that home video was “the shape of things to come”, Band founded Media Home Entertainment, a company that became one of the original independent video distribution operations in America. His foresight and unwavering commitment to this marketplace helped pave the way for the colossal home video boom to come. In 1989 Charles Band pioneered the direct to video feature with the formation of Full Moon Entertainment and the creation of the Puppetmaster series which is the most successful direct-to-video film series of all time.

Oh fuck yeah. Naked alien chicks. And Evil Bongs. This movie is gonna rule!