Friday, September 9, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Twilight (2008) Part 1

Someone kill me.

Just let me know when Gable.

Oh yeah. Twilight happened.

I can just hear all the WHAT THE FUCKS!!?? out there on the other end of the wire. (Probably because there's supposed to be a review of Creature here but that fell through so I spent the night at home) I'll just have you know: I have a fiance. And she's a fucking chick. A CHICK. So these kinds of movies come with the territory. Somehow I managed to fend it off this long.

Long enough to read many many rage reviews over this movie...and taking ALL of that into consideration: Let's take a look at Twilight.

You may want to grab a pair of sunglasses.

Let's list off all the things you already know. This is a vampire love story. Classic girl moves to small town, doesn't fit in, meets a vampire, falls in love with his shiny gold cock. The vampires in this movie are daywalkers. This movie stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. There's an enemy vampire out to kill Bella (Stewart) and it's up to Edward (Pattinson) to protect her.

These details have already been chronicled in great detail over and over and over by EVERY FUCKING PERSON WITH A MOUTH. You ask someone about Twilight and they scream, FUCKING SCREAM, about daylight glitter vamps. "OH fucking vampires don't walk by day, they're night creatures. This movie is so lame"

YOUR FUCKING LAME. Who ever said vampires need to be night only? There's a long list of movies that have daytime vampires (Live Evil for one) Who cares? Honestly. There's 7000 vampire movies. It's nice to see SOME of them break the mold. I suppose zombies can ONLY stumble. (I actually agree with that point but I still admire running zombies. Those fucking things freak me out)

And glitter. Calm the fuck down. It's a teen movie. This movie wasn't made for you. It wasn't made for me. It wasn't made for anyone over 16. If you're over 16 and love this movie, you need your head checked. Teen movies, teen horror specifically, is getting soft. That's just the trend right now. It'll die. All trends die. Movies like The Taint and Hobo With A Shotgun are getting HUGE underground followings because they are the exact OPPOSITE of this shit. It's what WE want. So eventually those kinds of movies will become mainstream...and then they'll die out. It's just the natural 10 year cycle of amazing movies. It peaked at 1980-1989. No question.

The peak of perfection.

Let's talk about Twilight as a teen movie for a second. I read review after review of this movie...ALL of them seasoned horror vets like you and me and they fucking rag on everything about this movie. Honestly, you expected DIFFERENT? Wow. Looking at that cover just makes me think this is going to be a gore filled splatterfest the likes of which Peter Jackson has never seen. Just calm down people. Nobody cares. You're just recycling what every other person is thinking. Like I said, if you're over 16 and critically analyzing this're a moron.

That being said...let's break this thing down. (see what I did there?) Let's break it down the only way I know how...let's check out the better side of bad...

...on Monday.

1 comment:

  1. I had two female roommates, and one of them was a big fan of the books, and she took me and the other roommate to see this as a matinee. I gotta say, it was kind of fun. It wasn't even horror, it was a teen romance for girls, and we were all stupid when we were teenagers. "I can't be with you because I'll kill you." "I'm willing to accept the risk because I love you and you're hot." Us guys don't get that, because the teen movie for us would be a really hot chick saying "I can't have sex with you because I'll kill you." and the horny kid would be like "Shit, I'm willing to take the risk!"

    As an aside, the movie wasn't too crowded, so I was able to throw out some riffs here and there. When the guy said "I don't think I'm strong enough to resist you." I blurted out "Best pick up line ever!", and my roommates started laughing. You're spot on about this one (at least in part 1), that we all need to settle down. I heard the sequels weren't as much fun as this one, but I never saw them-- I figured I'd quit while I was ahead. This isn't our movie, and ripping this like it is is like saying Dora the Explorer is a dumb show because all the puzzles are too easy to figure out.