BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong (2011) Part 2

(NOTE: This is review 2 of 2)

EVIL BONG 3D: THE MOVIE

I followed Evil Bong 3D back before it was even born. I remember when this movie was just a thought in Charles Band’s head. He wanted to make Evil Bong 3D but had no fucking idea what to do. So he asked the fans. Fans submitted a million ideas with crazy titles and synopsis’. Band widdled it down to 20 and the fans voted on which one was the best. And wouldn’t you know: FUCKING SPACE BONG was the best. Of course…leave it up to nerds to decide and they’ll almost always pick space. I know I did.

So EVIL BONG 3D: THE WRATH OF BONG was born. And from there it got insane. Charles Band decided to go all out this time by filming it in 3D and bringing back the old Scratch and Sniff gimmick where you get a card going into the movie and throughout the movie a number shows up on the right side of the screen and then you scratch that number on the card and smell what the characters are smelling on the screen. And if that wasn’t enough…he was bringing this bitch to theatres.

Fuck yes.

The Story of Evil Bong 3D goes like this: An Evil Space bong crashes onto Earth and is picked up by some douchebag that has killed his wife (hilariously). He finds the bong and brings it to the smoke ‘em and toke ‘em shop owned by the stoner heroes from parts 1 and 2. It is there where all the cast members congregate and toke from the Alien bong and are transported to a crazy world populated by hot alien chicks hellbent on extracting their semen to use in their takeover of Earth.

YES!

That being said, I have a lot of feelings towards Evil Bong 3D. And to properly explain everything to you I believe a “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” type of review is in order.

THE GOOD

Hot Alien Threesome in the first 20 minutes.

Charles Band’s direction was top notch this go around. (Especially when compared to 1 and 2) There were many great transitions and shots that didn’t seem haphazardly put together on the fly. You can tell that there was a lot of care taken behind the camera this time. Probably because they were working with some expensive equipment and wanted to get it done right. I really enjoyed the overall LOOK of this movie.

The scratch and sniff gimmick was A LOT of fun. I really liked it. It made the slow parts of the movie go faster since I was keeping a watchful eye on the screen for the next smell. If this were something that was to take off and happen all the time, I would absolutely hate it. But I think once in a while makes for a ton of fun. And NOBODY in the theatre has ever had that kind of experience so I honestly appreciated the attempt. The smells were executed pretty well and the majority of the smells were excellent, (and some not so excellent) with one smell in particular being a complete deception getting many, “BAND, YOU ASSHOLE!” comments from the crowd. Holy shit did that make me laugh. It STILL makes me laugh. Great job.

THE MOUTHS MOVE. One annoying issue with Evil Bong 1 and 2 is that there are TALKING BONGS that HAVE MOUTHS that NEVER MOVE. Or if they move, it’s very rare. But both bongs, Evil and Alien, have moving mouths. THANK GOD. That was awesome.

Dick Leeches. Yes, your read that correctly. Dick Leeches. HOLY FUCK that was awesome. So to extract the semen for their evil purposes, the smoking hot alien babes had to strap on Dick Leeches to the men which sucked it from their bodies. HAHAHAHA They weren’t really leeches but that’s what they looked like to me. And I love saying Dick Leeches so that’s what I’m sticking with.

THE BAD

There was a lot of special effects in this movie. A lot of it was added obviously for the 3D. So that means a ton of crappy CGI…which honestly didn’t look all that crappy in 3D. It’s meant to be goofy so that’s really how I see it. I don't have any harsh feelings towards it. And this is a Full Moon production so I expect nothing less than cheesy effects. But there's also the part of me that has seen enough of these movies to know that the 2D DVD version of this won't look as great.

The BONGS. They just needed to be cooler. Don’t get me wrong, the Alien Bong looks bad ass. But he’s more of a prick then he is Evil. They should really start calling this series MENACING BONG. And the wisecracks from Ebee, the original Evil Bong, just weren’t racist enough. She really needs to make fun of white people more. THAT’D be funny. Their jokes were for the most part, meh.

THE UGLY

The 3D was really terrible. I hate to say it but it was. I don’t mind that it was the OLD 3D, the red and blue kind, but its just that…I took my glasses off a few times and the focus with the glasses OFF was better than with them ON. I don’t think that’s supposed to be that way. But on the other hand…there was quite a few times that the 3D was pretty awesome. Like people poking bats, umbrellas, and shooting semen at the screen. That was pretty cool…but mostly it was hard to look at. Especially with the neon images.

Actually, I think I would love this movie with just the scratch and sniff. They should do that once in awhile. Skip the 3D AND Scratch and Sniff and just put out the smell cards. I really enjoyed that part.

The pacing. Although I loved the opening and enjoyed the ending, the middle 45 minutes just DRAAGGGED. Even though things kept happening and chicks were naked, it was not nearly as entertaining as King Bong. Even Rabbit, that AMAZING delivery man from the first 2, was barely watchable. His over the top zaniness was missing here. (I live for this guy's acting) Dialogue dragged on far too long, conversations were often pointless, and the action was too short. If I had to compare the pacing to parts 1 and 2 I would say that it’s kind of in the middle ground…leaning more towards part 1.

ALL IN ALL…

From the eventual DVD standpoint: could have been better. With all the anticipation over the theatre release, the 3D, the Scratch and Sniff, the new Alien Bong…it just didn’t live up to the expectation. BUT, it does have its moments and if you are in ANY way a fan of parts 1 or 2, you will love this. But if you’re an innocent bystander looking for something new to watch, there is no need to see part 3. Don’t let the gimmicks pull you in. They were a fun addition for the Full Moon/Evil Bong fan but for you, it's not worth your time. Hopefully they do this with a Puppet Master or some shit down the road. I could see this being a good time all over again.

As far as the experience of seeing this in the theatre goes…I’m happy I did it. I loved the fact that I got to see a Full Moon movie on the big screen. I loved the Ghoulies speech. I loved the little scene that was acted out in front of us. I loved being in a room of Full Moon fans shouting throughout the entire movie. (Much the same way we watch movies at home). And I loved the overall experience of roadtripping to a movie, hanging out with a bunch of amazing people, meeting a couple celebrities, and watching something original.

I guess that’s the key thing here. Originality. That’s really what brings me back to Full Moon time and time again. It doesn’t matter how crappy the effects are, or how long it takes to see a pay off in a movie, it will ALWAYS be something new and crazy. And I for one love it.

Besides, I got to meet Charles Band. Any trip, any movie, any amount of time is worth that for me.

Mr. Gable meets the creator of Dick Leeches.

Minds are exploding all over the internet today.

(The funny thing is, Charles Band said that we really should be drunk while watching this.
I recommend the same.)