BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Twilight (2008) Part 2

 

In BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Twilight (2008) Part 1 I let loose on all the reviewers of this movie. (Srsly, WTF?) Now let's take a look at the movie itself:

My inner child, getting ready to piss all over this thing.

Vampires are fast. So are roadrunners. The vampires in this movie, more specifically Edward, run just like a roadrunner. They launch to full speed in the blink of an eye and stop just as fast without even a hint of lurching forward from their own momentum. Who the fuck thought that would look good? When Edward hauled Bella up the hill, I honestly thought this movie had turned into Hercules for a minute. It was THAT cheesy. I can't believe this passes for mainstream. Thinking back to when I was 16 and thinking shitty big budget movies like Battlefield: Earth were awesome (which it totally is) I can't honestly believe that I would have thought that was appealing whatsoever.

The dialogue is fucking awful. Unless your me. Then the dialogue is AMAZING. The responses from main characters was just so mindblowingly careless that all I can do is flip my hands up and laugh. Like Edward tells Bella that he's a vampire, and she's like "ok", and then he tells her how violent, unpredictable, and dangerous he is, and she's like "uh huh, I love you," and the he tells her that he could snap at any moment and kill her and she responds with a "I don't believe that. You love me." WOW. This is a blood thirsty creature doing everything in his power to tell you that he can't control himself and he WILL kill you. Or turn you. To which you give not ONE SINGLE FUCK.

Get your head out of your ass lady. The entire movie she is so caught up in his prettiness to see anything else. Especially in the end where their love seems endless...after only not even a month of knowing each other. But look at that chin and those abs. Who could argue with that? "God damn he's hot" is not a good lesson to be teaching Tweens everywhere. But who am I?

The only thing that I really did like was when Edward stopped the van. The first 30 seconds of this clip are well spent.

That's pretty awesome. No dumb fucking effects, no talking, just ACTION! He just "shows up", stops the van with his manness, meets her eyes, and vanishes like nothing happened. That's how you put a man and woman together in a movie.

Now there's one final thing that I need to talk about that really turned me off to this movie. I'm going to try and contain myself because my rage with said subject is quite extensive. I've had a few days to cool off so I think it'll be ok. But here goes:

FUCK YOU K STEW, FUCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR SHOULDER SHRUGGING, LINE STUDDERING, AWKWARD PAUSING, LIP BITING, CONTORTED FACE!

God I can't stand her. I used to think she was SO HOT. Like Zathura, she was amazing. (probably because of the lack of K. Stew in that movie) And then I found out I was a pedophile cuz she was only 15 in that movie. Fuck me! So that ended that immediately. Then she's just barely legal in Twilight. Fucking lady, your not ready for acting. That fucking video above can't point out every flaw you have. Your delivery is awful, your face...I just don't know what your doing with it, WHY do you keep shrugging your shoulders like everyone is asking you why you're so stupid (ummm...I dunno), what the fuck is wrong with you? Cut the shit. There's no swooning. Where's the swooning? Instead I get some big fucking question mark. I don't get it.

But in the end we all know what this movie is about. Edward. Plain and simple. This movie is targeted for 12-16 year old young ladies that ARE swooning for Edward. Well, I'll have you know that there's only ONE Edward for me.

So say we all.