BAD MOVIE REVIEW: 2 Headed Shark Attack (2012)

The most highly anticipated murdering shark movie of the year has arrived! We all knew this is the movie we never knew we wanted. We knew that the possibility was always there for a movie of this caliber, all it took was for one man to pull the trigger. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it happened. Fucking 2 HEADED SHARK ATTACK HAPPENED!

I spent an entire Sunday watching shark movies. I sat down and watched Swamp Shark, Sand Sharks, and 2 Headed Shark Attack. Not one of those movies is in any way a normal shark movie. One has sharks that move through SAND for crying out loud! What an epic day that was. I really wish I had more time to get into the epicness of Swamp Shark and Sand Sharks but I do not. (But I will say this: Swamp Shark has the original movie Buffy vs a big green Swamp Shark and Sand Sharks has a TaraReidinAloneintheDark-esque Brooke Hogan battling sharks that swim through sand. You know you need this)

So let’s talk about 2 Headed Shark Attack.

What more could you possibly say?

You watch this movie for one reason only…to see how many creative ways a 2 Headed Shark can tear apart sexy teens. (God Bless America) This movie does that successfully. So right off the bat, we’re getting what we pay for. And there’s some epic 3-Way nudity halfway through this movie so…I’ve already sold this film to you. Why are you still here?

Ah yes, the story. There is something of a story here. (Enough to get a group of teenagers out to sea anyway.) A group of sexys is out on a boat in the middle of the ocean on a field trip. Included in the group is none other than Carmen Electra and Brooke Hogan. Two things about these ladies. I found out Brooke was younger than me which is kinda surprising because she looks older than I. But it also makes sense since she is the daughter of Hulk Hogan and she’s gonna have a little more mass to her than normal. Then there’s Carmen Electra…who still has a smoking hot bod but unfortunately her age is starting to catch up with her. Or the massive amount of chemicals and plastic inserted into her face is starting to break down. Either way, that saddens me.

:(

Anyway, a 2 Headed Shark shows up and messes up the boat. Fortunately, there is an island in the distance. Actually, it’s an atoll. According to Wikipedia, “an atoll is a coral island (or islands) that encircles a lagoon partially or completely.” Alright, that’s pretty cool. Original, I like that. So they offload some weight on the Atoll so they can make some repairs on the boat. And Carmen Electra can do a little sunbathing. The teens tool around the island, discovering some fishing huts, some teens have a sexy 3 way, and almost all of them are eaten in awesome ways by the 2 Headed Shark. Towards the end of the movie, the atoll breaks apart and falls into the sea…leaving the teens helpless against the 2 Headed Shark as their only means of survival slip away inch by inch.

One thing I rarely touch upon in my reviews is the writing. One reason I don’t is because rarely does a finished film ever mirror an original screenplay. Things get changed, everyone has their hands on the project, people want it this way, that way, their way, highway. Whatever. But I’d like to discuss the writing in this movie because this movie was penned by none other than fellow blogspotter: H. Perry Horton. HPH writes the Committed blog. A blog committed solely to the works of The Asylum. The Asylum, you know, is best known for its Mockbuster classics like Transmorphers and the upcoming American Battleship. They’re also known for their Mega line of movies like Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and Mega Piranha.

WHAT I LIKED. THE STORY. It’s basic, it’s fun, it’s what I want out of a movie like this. There is a formula to these kinds of things and when I sit down to watch something like this, I like the familiarity. Movies like these are ones that are watched in groups or by people like me looking for something fun on a Sunday. I don’t want someone to stretch my mind, I just want to see a 2 Headed Shark…that’s original enough for me. THE ATOLL. The Atoll is fucking BRILLIANT. It works on so many levels and I can’t believe that it hasn’t been used more often. The reason it works is because not only is this an island they get to escape to but it adds to the overall chaos of their situation. The atoll begins to breakdown and sink into the sea…which means they have less land to be on…which means the 2 Headed Shark can eat the shit out of everyone. THE END. Actually, what he does with the shark. (SPOILER) The dudes rig up a bomb to blow it up but it actually ends up blowing up only one head HAHAHA so they have to find another way to kill it! YES! That’s awesome.

Also, good call on the 3-Way. That was just the best.

What I didn’t like. THE DIALOGUE. I’d say 70% of the dialogue wasn’t too bad. The other 30% wasn’t the best. A lot of it was dated and overused lines that sound like stuff that I’d say to my friends. I’m sure a lot of this can be blamed on the timeline for writing this movie. He probably had 2 weeks to write it and then another week to rewrite it so with a short schedule like that it’s hard to bring the overall story together AND keep the dialogue fresh. CHARACTERS. Movies don’t have to have every cliché character in them. The smart guy. The dumb girl. The arm kissing jock. Anyway, there was a lot of characters that were just taken from the cover of Not Another Teen Movie and plugged in here and there. I knew they were all destined to be eaten gloriously so I really didn’t care but that dude kissing his arms constantly. I can’t relate to him. I’m a fat loser sitting in my basement watching an awesomely bad movie. How many arm kissing jocks are watching this movie? What we need is hot nerds. A LOT of them. Naked. Blowing things up. And reading comics. Naked. And referencing Star Trek. And making out. Heh heh heh. Excuse me while I go write the sequel.

You can read a really cool conversation between the screenwriter (HPH) and the guy who originally outlined the story on the Committed blog here. Worth the read.

So to conclude, this movie is awesome. If you in any way enjoy the Asylum brand of made for SyFy movie, then 2 Headed Shark Attack is for you. The effects aren’t that great but when you’ve seen as many Asylum movies as I have, you don’t expect a lot from there. (COME ON, that shark had 2 heads before, why does it only have ONE NOW?) It’s definitely worth the watch, where else will you get to see a 2 Headed Shark eat people?

 And watch Brooke Hogan hating herself for 90 minutes!