BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury (2012)

WARNING: The review you are about to read contains a large amount of amazing racism. Towards you, towards me, but mostly directed at Mexicans.

This is:

How do I go about describing to you the greatest cinematic experience of the year?

Let’s start with what this movie is about. The main plot involves a Vietnam Vet who returns to America well after the war is over and finds that his wife is having an affair with a Mexican poolboy. He then discovers that all poolboys are Mexican and after his wife and child are murdered, he sets out on a quest to rid every home of the spic infestation.

 The Sorbs is coming for you.

But this is only half of it. This movie pretends that it was made in 1990. It pretends that it was so truthful and racist that it was shelved...until now. So between scenes the “director” explains the events that lead to the making of that scene or the motivations for doing a certain thing, and just countless other hilarious tidbits. A bad movie with built in director's commentary. God damn genius.

Saint James St. James: The Greatest Director in all known existence.

Honestly, what really killed me was the director’s commentary. That guy is just so fucking awesome. One time he explains the actor in the previous scene had been arrested so they had to break into the prison and film him in front of a green screen. Then another time he explains that the studio forced him to plug in more gratuitious nudity and since his lead actor had a no nudity clause in his contract he had to do all the scenes himself. HAHAHAHAHA oh god that’s awesome.

He does this every 5-10 minutes during the course of the movie. I just can’t tell you enough how great it is. I haven't laughed this hard at a movie in a long time.

Step 1: Squeeze Breasts. Step 2: Scream "no" wildly. Step 3: Life.

This movie would be junk without the commentary. Think something like DATE MOVIE or DISASTER MOVIE. I think the writer of this film saw the movie Tropic Thunder and figured he could do better. (he did.) He makes an action movie but it’s just stupid. It’s a movie that is TRYING to be so bad that it’s good. And normally, those are the kinds of movies you stay away from. Like, you hear people talking behind the camera, you see the stagehands throw blood on the lead character, everything is so ridiculously fake. But the fact that the “director” chimes in so often is what makes it work so well. He keeps in a scene even though it makes no sense within the context of the story but the director makes up an excuse why he left it in there. And THAT is what makes this movie so fucking brilliant.

The actors in this movie are just great. They’re the best of the bad and let me tell you, they bring their A-Game to Poolboy. Let me just break it down to you this way:

You looked at the middle one first didn't you?

That's Jacqui Holland and I did an article on her last week. Please, check her out here.

This movie doesn’t so much set out to directly offend people but it probably will. They torque up the racism but it isn’t so terrible that you gotta go call your senator. It’s mostly shit jokes like:

But they mostly overuse the racism as a satire of action movies. There’s always a REALLY BLACK black guy, a REALLY WHITE white guy, a STUFFED WITH TACOS Mexican…you know how it is. And that’s what makes it so good. They actually end it with the message that the movie was so racist that it is conveying how racist we as a people are so we should all stop being racists. And they even go so far as to dub in a hardcore black guy over all the black people that speak in this movie. HAHAHAHAHA YES! It’s all so eye rollingly awesome.

So basically what you got here is Hercules vs Machete, tons of amazing nudity (not lying, there’s a topless chick in every act), built in fake director’s commentary, and my favorite movie so far this year. Go see it now. It's on DVD today!