BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury (2012)

WARNING: The review you are about to read contains a large amount of amazing racism. Towards you, towards me, but mostly directed at Mexicans.

This is:

How do I go about describing to you the greatest cinematic experience of the year?

Let’s start with what this movie is about. The main plot involves a Vietnam Vet who returns to America well after the war is over and finds that his wife is having an affair with a Mexican poolboy. He then discovers that all poolboys are Mexican and after his wife and child are murdered, he sets out on a quest to rid every home of the spic infestation.

 The Sorbs is coming for you.

But this is only half of it. This movie pretends that it was made in 1990. It pretends that it was so truthful and racist that it was shelved...until now. So between scenes the “director” explains the events that lead to the making of that scene or the motivations for doing a certain thing, and just countless other hilarious tidbits. A bad movie with built in director's commentary. God damn genius.

Saint James St. James: The Greatest Director in all known existence.

Honestly, what really killed me was the director’s commentary. That guy is just so fucking awesome. One time he explains the actor in the previous scene had been arrested so they had to break into the prison and film him in front of a green screen. Then another time he explains that the studio forced him to plug in more gratuitious nudity and since his lead actor had a no nudity clause in his contract he had to do all the scenes himself. HAHAHAHAHA oh god that’s awesome.

He does this every 5-10 minutes during the course of the movie. I just can’t tell you enough how great it is. I haven't laughed this hard at a movie in a long time.

Step 1: Squeeze Breasts. Step 2: Scream "no" wildly. Step 3: Life.

This movie would be junk without the commentary. Think something like DATE MOVIE or DISASTER MOVIE. I think the writer of this film saw the movie Tropic Thunder and figured he could do better. (he did.) He makes an action movie but it’s just stupid. It’s a movie that is TRYING to be so bad that it’s good. And normally, those are the kinds of movies you stay away from. Like, you hear people talking behind the camera, you see the stagehands throw blood on the lead character, everything is so ridiculously fake. But the fact that the “director” chimes in so often is what makes it work so well. He keeps in a scene even though it makes no sense within the context of the story but the director makes up an excuse why he left it in there. And THAT is what makes this movie so fucking brilliant.

The actors in this movie are just great. They’re the best of the bad and let me tell you, they bring their A-Game to Poolboy. Let me just break it down to you this way:

You looked at the middle one first didn't you?

That's Jacqui Holland and I did an article on her last week. Please, check her out here.

This movie doesn’t so much set out to directly offend people but it probably will. They torque up the racism but it isn’t so terrible that you gotta go call your senator. It’s mostly shit jokes like:

But they mostly overuse the racism as a satire of action movies. There’s always a REALLY BLACK black guy, a REALLY WHITE white guy, a STUFFED WITH TACOS Mexican…you know how it is. And that’s what makes it so good. They actually end it with the message that the movie was so racist that it is conveying how racist we as a people are so we should all stop being racists. And they even go so far as to dub in a hardcore black guy over all the black people that speak in this movie. HAHAHAHAHA YES! It’s all so eye rollingly awesome.

So basically what you got here is Hercules vs Machete, tons of amazing nudity (not lying, there’s a topless chick in every act), built in fake director’s commentary, and my favorite movie so far this year. Go see it now. It's on DVD today!

This is Jacqui Holland, America's next big thing.

Everyone, this is Jacqui Holland, America’s next big thing. If you don’t know who she is then you need to listen up because she is quickly climbing the cinema ladder and soon she will be the biggest thing to happen to film since they figured out women look great on screen.

I don’t need to tell you that this woman is beautiful. You can see that for yourself.

Here.

Here.

and here.

What I’d rather discuss is the circumstances to which brought me to write about her. I was sitting around on the couch watching Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury (aka the greatest movie ever. Review soon.) and there came a scene with a cute little blond flirting with Kevin Sorbo. As she spoke, I recognized her voice. I recognized it from somewhere. She has a very unique voice, kind of one of those “OHMIGAWD” kind of deliveries (but way cuter) and I knew I had heard it somewhere before. But where?

One of Mr. Gable's Top 15 of 2011 no less.

You all know how much I love Full Moon and their fantastic brand of film. It took all of 30 seconds on IMDb to make that connection. I couldn’t believe it. I managed to track down someone that has a minor role in one movie to that same person that has another minor role in another movie. And neither movie is all that popular! (YET.)

What does this mean? Am I just that good at picking out people? Do I just watch too many obscure movies? OR…is Jacqui Holland someone special?

Oh fuck yes, Ninja Turtles!

Jacqui Holland is special. Hands down, guaranteed, 100%, prime cut, high class, world class, first class, ready to order, special. She isn’t just another sexy woman playing a dumb blonde. I’ll admit, that’s the only roles I’ve seen her in BUT she brought something to them that made me notice her and that’s what’s important. You like her. She’s friendly, flirty, and someone you want to hang out with. She has a presence on the screen that is extremely rare. Normally, you just watch a movie and there’s a hot chick and then whatever, she’s served her purpose. But Jacqui somehow did that and made a lasting impression. I want to see more of this girl. I want to see what other kinds of characters she can bring to life.

 I don't know what this is but I need 5 of them.

Here’s what really compels me to write this article. Here’s Jacqui Holland, the adorable girl next door, and then you look at her IMDb page and you see this huge list of movies she’s in. A lot of them are shorts, a lot of them are minor roles in some impressively mainstream movies. Then you see a movie called “Hotel Arthritis”, which is at the time of this article, in post-production. Allow me to drop you the synopsis from IMDb:

“Senior citizens are being offed by a masked killer who stalks the halls of the small retirement community in which they live. The story opens with a terrifying murder, creating space on the waiting list for Rose to move in. Upon Rose's arrival, she is taken on a tour of the grounds by the quirky, offbeat manager of the joint: Dale. The odd and brightly colored characters continue to pop up as Fanny, her Jewish gossiping neighbor, introduces Rose to "The gang." The routine of daily life is all stirred up at the moment. People are disappearing, there's talk of a ghost, and to top things off, there's an STD outbreak. As terror rises throughout the building, the fear of who's next and who the killer may be, continues to grow. We find ourselves in a game of "Who-done-it?" Is it Desperella, the ground's custodial manager? Is it Kitty, the sexy activities director? Or Zeke, her punk rock boyfriend? Maybe it's one of the elder folks suffering from dementia or seeking some sort of revenge. Full of laughs and full of scares, you'll be on the edge of your seats from the moment you enter the world of the Lake View Retirement Home: The place where people come to live... until they die!”

YES! That sounds EXACTLY like the kind of movie that belongs on this blog. But that’s really not what matters. What matters is that Jacqui co-wrote it.

Not only is Jacqui an interesting actress but she’s also a writer. AND a producer! It’s all recent work but to me that’s very impressive. This woman is actively seeking out her work. She’s making it happen. She just doesn’t take any role she can in order to be an actress. She’s making herself an actress. She’s making herself a filmmaker. She’s learning every aspect there is to making a movie. So much so that in conjunction with actor/writer/producer/director Jason Lockhart they have formed their own production company called J-Star Pictures. One click glance at the homepage and you see in the title "Fun Filmmaking". That just tells me that Jacqui is making the films that she wants to make. Not taking what she can get but actually MAKING it.

And to me, that is both inspiring and very interesting. That means this person is someone to look out for. She’s going places. She wants this. If she can keep up the pace she has so far, I can see her making something out of herself. And I, for one, can’t wait to see that day. Until then, I’ll be the lowly voice shouting to the world that I knew Jacqui Holland before knowing Jacqui Holland was cool.

Talent.

You can check out Jacqui on facebook, Twitter, Myspace, YouTube (where there are loads of comedy sketches and other great videos), IMDb, J-Star Pictures, and her website.

Click Here to check out an impressive acting reel including a scene from Gingerdead Man 3.