BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Rubber (2011)

Rubber is a movie that is completely aware of its badness. (Not a movie about a killer condom. That would be this movie) It's so aware of it's badness that it even tries to kill itself at one point in the movie. It fortunately fails and I’m happy that it did.

Rubber is a movie about a killer…tire. Oh yes, that just proves that we really HAVE NOT seen it all. And the tire’s name is Robert. (HAHAHAHA!!) Who has telekinetic powers. So basically it’s car tire with the ability of a scanner.

 

YYYYEEESSSSS!!! 

This is currently on Netflix Instant and available everywhere on DVD. Fuck this review, go watch it now. Trust me. It’s awesome.

This movie starts out with a guy walking up to the camera and giving the audience a message about nonsense in movies. The camera pans off and we see the “real” audience…a bunch of people sitting on a hill watching the killer tire through binoculars. The movie constantly switches from the sweet tire action (aka the movie) to the crowd of spectators (aka the audience). And the spectators comments mirrored my thoughts almost exactly, trying to make sense of the motivations of a murderous tire. It's so awesome I want to cry.

The tire itself is pretty pissed that its all alone in the desert. So it makes its way towards the road…blowing up small animals on its way. (It starts small like with tin cans and stuff but it eventually works its way up to blowing up a rabbit, it's just so fucking awesome) Then, all of a sudden, it is hit by a passing truck and decides that that fucker needs to die. So he goes around blowing people up left and right.


The amount of explosions is just so awesome. You’ll be cheering wildly every 5-10 minutes. The time between explosions is spent awkwardly watching the audience as they watch the movie. (This is fucking hard to write out. I hope you understand it.) And it is at one point that this movie tries to kill itself. It does so by sending a character up with some food for all the participants but one in particular says he's not hungry and doesn't eat it. Shortly after, everyone dies except this man. He's a little smarter than this movie and he saw it coming. But, he wants to see the ending. So while all the people IN this movie try to wrap it up and go home, they are forced to continue because there is still an audience for it. So they scramble to continue and finish their story of Robert, the killer tire. And the man in the audience that survives is none other than:

WINGS FUCKING HAUSER

So, the movie continues and we witness many more amazing tire related deaths. And then it comes to a violent and awesome end. I don’t want to give any of it away but it ends exactly the way that it should. Confusing, hilarious, and lusting for more.

And setting itself up for a sequel. (YYYESSS!!!)

Why? No reason.

This philosophy of filmmaking is absolutely brilliant. You don't really see it coming. You just see random things happening, an epic speech, something odd, but it all comes together so well. This movie is too smart for its own good. I just love the way this movie is presented. This could have just been another plain old "Tire on the loose" movie but no. The writer took it further and gave it a mind. This movie knows things about itself. It knows it exists and that it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It knows that we're watching. It knows that it's ridiculous. It knows these things but it tells it to you with a straight face. That's the important part. This movie talks to you directly but never once does it seem like it's a joke. These characters know what they are and what they're doing. No fucking around. That's why this movie is so good. It's absurd, it's crazy, and it tries to make sense of itself WITH you.

Genius.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Watchers 3 (1994)

I'll admit it, this movie is just awful.  It's almost painful to watch.  Coming from me, the lover of all that sucks ass, means a lot.  There's just so little to like about it that I can't justify giving it anything higher than a 2 on a 10 scale.  Man I hate doing that.  I'll always give at least a 3 for effort and creativity, but this movie is just terrible.  I'll illustrate why you should avoid it at all costs.

1. A failed movie ripoff.  Predator synopsis: Deep in the jungle a mysterious alien creature is picking off specially trained soldiers on a rescue mission.  The lone survivor fights and destroys the creature using his wits and the jungle around him.  Watchers 3 synopsis: Deep in the jungle a mysterious ugly fucking creature is picking off crappily trained soldiers on a rescue/intel retrieval mission.  The lone survivor (along with a stupidly smart dog and a mute native boy) destroy the creature using some bad one liners and stolen props from the original Predator set.  In all honesty, you could watch these films back to back and they almost mirror one another.  Obviously Predator kicks serious ass and this is a terrible knockoff trying to be something it can never be.  The asylum does this all the time and they pride themselves on it, but this is the third film in a series based on a novel written by Dean Koontz.  Come on people!

2. All the cuteness is gone.  If you remotely enjoyed the first two films for their relationships between dog and man/boy, then you are shit out of luck.  They try to put in a little native boy to have some kind of relationship going on but that kid is completely useless in every aspect of the word.  What was his purpose for being in the story at all?  The only thing, and I mean the only thing he did (because he's too dumb to actually talk), was pointed out the bow and arrow.  That's it...nothing more.  Come on guys, you can do a little better than that.

3. The monster...ok this is how I justify a 2/10 instead of a 1/10.  This creature is a definite improvement over that stupid looking anteater thing from part 2.  It's still lizard like and completely fake but at least its damn mouth moves!  They seemed to have mashed up the sound effects from other Roger Corman features to make the howls for the beast.  That was a definite turn off, but oh well what can you do with crap like this?  Definite improvement, looks like something you would find aboard Davey Jones' ship.  But still...I remember there being a strict...bigfoot vibe from the creature.  Come on.

4. The plot, the story, the complete and utter carelessness of everybody involved.  I don't like to bash people for making movies but this is a really lazy effort on everyone's part.  The story was rushed too fast.  They could have made things a little more dramatic or heartfelt with some short pauses but nope...straight into the next scene.  Honestly wanted everyone to die, I cared for no one.  Generic horror film characters, white leader, black tough guy, macho chick, pussy white guy, expendables.  I guess when you are stoned off your ass and thinking its an original idea this seems pretty awesome.  It's just a really poor film.

Alright I've done enough bashing, what would I say is actually good about it.  If there are any Wings Hauser fans in the house...he's the star man.  I don't know his career that well but he has quite an extensive resume.  Fans of him might feel more in tune with this picture than I do.  He does manage to spit out a few good one liners.  Most notably, "I'm gonna put this bullet so deep in  your head, your ancestors are gonna feel it!"

So in all honesty don't watch it.  If you're like me and you just have to watch (and in my case own) the entire series of films then go ahead and give it a shot.  I can't even tell you its good for a 4 am SyFy channel movie cuz it just isn't.  Even though that's where I first came across it but stopped watching it after awhile cause it looked stupid.  I guess I just won't learn my lesson.  Ok well you get my drift.  I love bad movies but this one just takes the cake.  Kudos to you Watchers 3, a movie so bad that the worst of the actual watchers just can't handle it.