Wednesday, August 25, 2010

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Watchers 3 (1994)

I'll admit it, this movie is just awful.  It's almost painful to watch.  Coming from me, the lover of all that sucks ass, means a lot.  There's just so little to like about it that I can't justify giving it anything higher than a 2 on a 10 scale.  Man I hate doing that.  I'll always give at least a 3 for effort and creativity, but this movie is just terrible.  I'll illustrate why you should avoid it at all costs.

1. A failed movie ripoff.  Predator synopsis: Deep in the jungle a mysterious alien creature is picking off specially trained soldiers on a rescue mission.  The lone survivor fights and destroys the creature using his wits and the jungle around him.  Watchers 3 synopsis: Deep in the jungle a mysterious ugly fucking creature is picking off crappily trained soldiers on a rescue/intel retrieval mission.  The lone survivor (along with a stupidly smart dog and a mute native boy) destroy the creature using some bad one liners and stolen props from the original Predator set.  In all honesty, you could watch these films back to back and they almost mirror one another.  Obviously Predator kicks serious ass and this is a terrible knockoff trying to be something it can never be.  The asylum does this all the time and they pride themselves on it, but this is the third film in a series based on a novel written by Dean Koontz.  Come on people!

2. All the cuteness is gone.  If you remotely enjoyed the first two films for their relationships between dog and man/boy, then you are shit out of luck.  They try to put in a little native boy to have some kind of relationship going on but that kid is completely useless in every aspect of the word.  What was his purpose for being in the story at all?  The only thing, and I mean the only thing he did (because he's too dumb to actually talk), was pointed out the bow and arrow.  That's it...nothing more.  Come on guys, you can do a little better than that.

3. The monster...ok this is how I justify a 2/10 instead of a 1/10.  This creature is a definite improvement over that stupid looking anteater thing from part 2.  It's still lizard like and completely fake but at least its damn mouth moves!  They seemed to have mashed up the sound effects from other Roger Corman features to make the howls for the beast.  That was a definite turn off, but oh well what can you do with crap like this?  Definite improvement, looks like something you would find aboard Davey Jones' ship.  But still...I remember there being a strict...bigfoot vibe from the creature.  Come on.

4. The plot, the story, the complete and utter carelessness of everybody involved.  I don't like to bash people for making movies but this is a really lazy effort on everyone's part.  The story was rushed too fast.  They could have made things a little more dramatic or heartfelt with some short pauses but nope...straight into the next scene.  Honestly wanted everyone to die, I cared for no one.  Generic horror film characters, white leader, black tough guy, macho chick, pussy white guy, expendables.  I guess when you are stoned off your ass and thinking its an original idea this seems pretty awesome.  It's just a really poor film.

Alright I've done enough bashing, what would I say is actually good about it.  If there are any Wings Hauser fans in the house...he's the star man.  I don't know his career that well but he has quite an extensive resume.  Fans of him might feel more in tune with this picture than I do.  He does manage to spit out a few good one liners.  Most notably, "I'm gonna put this bullet so deep in  your head, your ancestors are gonna feel it!"

So in all honesty don't watch it.  If you're like me and you just have to watch (and in my case own) the entire series of films then go ahead and give it a shot.  I can't even tell you its good for a 4 am SyFy channel movie cuz it just isn't.  Even though that's where I first came across it but stopped watching it after awhile cause it looked stupid.  I guess I just won't learn my lesson.  Ok well you get my drift.  I love bad movies but this one just takes the cake.  Kudos to you Watchers 3, a movie so bad that the worst of the actual watchers just can't handle it.

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