Wednesday, May 20, 2020

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Raw Justice (1994)

Shown: Actual VHS I purchased in 2020

Here's the exact series of events that led me to frantically scramble on eBay late last weekend to score a copy of Raw Justice on VHS.

What the fuck is that? A giant missile!?

Oh this movie, what a wild ride. There's so much to love here that you just gotta jump in and let it happen. This HAS to be what a 'massage + happy ending' feels like. It just HAS TO BE!

I was just tooling around IMDb last week and I must've been looking up Pam Anderson. This movie sparked my interest for some reason. As I was browsing around, I checked out the pictures section (like you do when you researching Pam Anderson) and what do I see but the Eighth Wonder of the World:

Automatic Blind Buy

I don't know what series of events led to this moment in cinematic history but I have to know. I need this in my life. But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's get started:

The first 5 minutes consist of David Keith in drag, Pam Anderson in her underwear, and a dude throwing himself through a window for absolutely no fucking reason.

Alright movie, you have my attention

I can just see my boys in the Bad Movie Syndicate rolling their eyes. The whole David Keith in drag thing is a 5 second joke that lasts 15 minutes. I was giggling but it definitely does overstay it's welcome.

After that, we can finally get this movie started. Time for a shower scene and some glorious nudity! Robert Hays (the dude from Airplane who is so out of place in this movie but is also kind of really fucking awesome to see here) gets shot down by the Mayor's daughter after their first date. She goes in, strips down, and hops into a shower that is literally more square feet than my first apartment.

Just off camera to the left is the kitchen, to the right is the master bedroom,
and if you squint hard enough you can see the living room in the distance

Well, she's murdered. (spoilers) Strangled by a power cord. From a lamp. We then cut to Stacy Keach on a shady looking pier paying the man that killed her. And then he blows his brains out. hahaha thank you Mr. Keach.

Back to our "hero" David Keith. (I apologize if I type Keith David, the superior of the Keith's and David's, anywhere in this post. It's hard to keep it straight) Also, whenever David Keith enters a scene, acts in a scene, or does absolutely nothing, the musical score queue's up the blues riff that Samuel L Jackson hums in The Long Kiss Goodnight. If you really aren't interested in hearing that riff 5000 times, then this movie isn't for you.

David Keith gets out of jail and out of drag (and we're all still laughing amirite guys?). Then we head back over to Robert Hays who's now getting arrested for the murder of the Mayor's daughter. CUT TO THE NEXT SCENE...Now Robert Hays is getting out of jail ALSO. Apparently some mystery person paid his bail. NOW CUT TO Robert Hays eating in his kitchen. He opens the fridge, discovers a note. He reads it aloud and it's a confession to the murder of the Mayor's daughter.

What the fuck is going on DK, nothing is making any sense.

Next, Robert Hays looks at his stove, which is propped open. Then he notices the gas burners are all turned way up. Then he must've FINALLY SMELLED ALL THE GAS IN THE KITCHEN HE'S BEEN STANDING IN FOR 5 MINUTES. Then he belts out a "OH JESUS!" and runs out of the house just as the building explodes.


Next, David Keith shows up. David Keith and Robert Hays then proceed to have the slowest dirt bike chase through a mall. I have to give the actors some credit here though, it looks like there was very little use of stuntmen and the actors were actually tearing it up through the streets and the mall. It was kind of nice to see but yeah...not very exciting when we're tooling around at 15 mph.

Next, we head over to the local strip club for a nice refreshing nudity break. And look who we find here: Pam Anderson.

Pam, you're here for 2 reasons and 1 of them isn't your acting ability.

Anyway, Pam's looking for her clothes back from David Keith (whom I forgot to tell you he took from Pam in the opening scene to dress up in drag). Suddenly, some bad guys show up and the movie has a semi-fun chase scene through town. David Keith is on the hood of the car, Pam Anderson is driving and screaming. Her delivery is just so deliciously rancid.  All of this leads up to one of the greatest crashes I've ever seen.

After that, David and Pam are running on foot. They go hide in a warehouse. Now, the moment, THE MOMENT, the bad guys exit the screen, David Keith asks Pam to hold onto his gun and then proceeds to have a steaming hot sex scene out of fucking nowhere.

Hurry up, I need to meet my contractual quota of nude scenes

Now that that's out of the way, the movie spends some time setting up David Keith for an entirely separate murder. Short story, David goes in and threatens a dude with a baseball bat and then some other henchman uses that bat to kill that guy he was threatening. Then we head over to a seedy hotel to hole up for awhile and come up with a plan.

Then Pam Anderson bangs the shit out of the dude from Airplane. David Keith tries to get in on the action but she's like, ' You're gross.' This scene is pretty good. It like the 'everyman' sex scene. Just a normal joe-schmoe 3/10 putting the screws to Pam Anderson in the 90s. It was everyman's dream, right fellas?


Alright, so then some bad guys show up. Something something, Fan Boat Chase scene and then David Keith is movie dead. He "blows up" off screen. Now Pam and Robert are taken back to the strip club for a well deserved and much earned nudity break.

We're almost there!

Things are looking kind of grim but shockingly David Keith shows up totally NOT DEAD! Some bullets are thrown around, some heated discussions take place and then the crowning achievement of David A Prior's career takes place (arguable to that of Deadly Prey of course)

HAHAHA it was a giant fucking dart this whole time HAHAHA!!!

Oh yeah, we almost forgot to wrap up the Stacy Keach/Charles Napier subplot/main plot business. Keach tries to blackmail Napier but Napier ain't no bitch and calls out Keach in front of the press. Keach puts a gun to Napier's head and demands a helicopter. He gets it of course piloted by none other than David Keith. David says some heroic stuff, then laughingly jumps out of the helicopter proclaiming "GERONIMO!" and Keach explodes into the side of the building WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO FLY THE HELICOPTER HIMSELF HAHAHAHA!!!

Orgasmic this movie is. In every way possible. It's an incredible ride through every possible trope there is in an action film. It hits all the right cords that a movie like this should. Just when you think you've about given up on this movie, then you get hit with a nude scene. It's perfect. The writing, the acting, the direction, the....everything is just so bad but god damn do I love it. There's two reasons we're all watching this movie and they aren't David Keith or Robert Hays.

You can watch the movie in almost it's entirety on YouTube right now. All the nudity is there sans Pam Anderson (of course) or you can be like me and pick up a copy on eBay. Embrace the bad friends.

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