Tuesday, May 31, 2011

THANKSKILLING 2 needs our help!

Whip out your wallets, we need to make this happen!

Thankskilling 2 needs our help. If you haven't seen the first one, you need to go to Netflix Instant and watch that shit immediately. It's the greatest Thankgiving movie ever made. It's funny, its cliche, its GOBBLE GOBBLE MOTHERFUCKER!

They promised a sequel in outer space at the end of the first one...I hope to fuck that is what they want to do here. Actually, it doesn't matter. I just need more jive-talking, face ripped-off wearing, psycho turkey!

They're asking for $100,000 budget from us. It looks like they really want to do this thing right this time. Not that what they did last time was wrong...but from a filmmaking standpoint its going to cost a little more. They are raising funds via KICKSTARTER, a fundraising website popular with movie makers nowadays. Go there now and donate something. If you donate $5, the turkey will rip on you in the DVD special features! THAT'S WORTH IT!

Check out this AMAZING video pitch for this movie. Even though it doesn't say anything, you get an idea about the awesomeness that is about to transpire.

Fuck yes. Mecha-Turkey.

Check out the Kickstarter page for a long winded article about how awesome the first Thankskilling is and what they want to do with the sequel.

Gobble Gobble Motherfuckers!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Epic Win Friday!

Hey all! I have to apologize for the shittastic quality of my blog for the last couple weeks. Spring work inside and out has been kicking my ass. But I'm getting a lot done so that's good. But that also makes it a little harder to get up in the morning to blog...and to make it actually something decent. But that's what happens when it gets nice out, know what I mean?

But anyway, I was all exhausted last night from working again so in lieu of a real post, here is a bunch of random assed amazing videos from YouTube! ENJOY!

First up...a scene from DEATH WISH 3...that has lasers.

And now, time for a little EPIC MEAL TIME! The fast food lasagna!

A friend of mine loves to do a little ranting. TAKE THIS CRAYOLA!

Star Trek TNG: Data Raps. It's the motherfuckin' D.A.T.A!

And finally, here is all of those McBain clips from the Simpsons edited together...they actually form A FULL MOVIE!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Room Report with Tromeric

Reality Friends! Give a handy round of applause to my brother of bad, TROMERIC! He's the man behind the maniacally freaktastic blog Guts and Grog Reviews and he was kind enough to drop a line about his experience watching The Room, a movie so fucktastically terrible that you can't possibly believe that it both exists and is cherished by people around the world.

Here's what I mean:

That being said, here is Tromeric's in-theatre experience with The Room and also his account of meeting the genius behind it, Tommy Wiseau. Enjoy!

Bad movies. Why do we enjoy them? There are plenty of bad movies that are just bad and you get angry just hearing about them but then some reach this level of awesome that you could never plan for. I have watched many movies in my life some that blew my mind, and some that made me want to blow my mind right out my brain. I am suborn and will pretty much make myself sit through anything I start. I have sat through some Troma movies that were a sheer test of endurance, I have sat through slasher movies without one kill that put me on the brink of killing. I have sat through Glitter, that wasn't easy. I watch more made for SyFy killer animal movies than the the execs at SyFy. In all honesty, the only movie I ever remember turning off was Forrest Gump. That is for a different article though. What I am saying is a lot of movies are just awful, whether it be because of the acting, the editing, the script or just because the producers don't know what the fuck they are doing. Then there are the films that try and be bad, they call it an homage or a satire but it is just bullshit. If you try and make a bad movie it will suck and it wont be fun and no one will want to watch it. You can't plan these movies. They are made with the same passion and care as the newest Terrence Malick film but for whatever reason whether it be budget restraints or lack of knowledge they just don't work on a technical level. They do however work on a this movie is fucking bad ass level and no matter how bad they are you see the passion and its beautiful, not to mention it is a lot of fun to have some drinks and mock the shit out of them. You mock them out of love. Its like the love Bobby Brown felt for Whitney. Throughout the years I have sifted through tons of shit to find the few shiny turds. I have what I like to call the five turds in the golden toilet. This consists of the grandfather of garbage Mr. Ed Wood's masterpiece of shit Plan 9 from Outer Space, everyone's favorite goblins in the title only sequel Troll 2, the Turkey Monster that craves junkie blood in Blood Freak, the most recent entry full of animated gifs Birdemic: Shock and Terror, and of course the film I am writing about (eventually) Mr. Tommy Wiseau's The Room. So lets get to it. My night with Tommy. No Homo (OK maybe just a little).

I woke up this morning instantly excited, and no I am not just talking about morning wood I am talking about knowing my brain was gonna be raped by Tommy Wiseau. What to do with the afternoon as I knew I was gonna be watching the clock all day. I did what any self respecting horror nerd would do to keep myself occupied...I sat on my porch for five hours and smoked a pack of Cigarettes, drank a pot of coffee and read the new issues of Rue Morgue, Fangoria, HorrorHound, and Famous Monsters of Film Land. I knew that I couldn't focus enough to watch a movie so I figured fuck it. Turned out to be quite the peaceful afternoon anyways. I then went downstairs and grabbed Peter, my friend not my dick, and we ran to the bar down the street to have a quick beer and some food before we began our journey of insanity.

Insanity: Personified

We arrived at Cinema 21 at roughly 6:30 and there was a decent size line which we got into and watched as many pedestrians tripped over a random leaf blower left under a sign. All of a sudden I look to my left and see Tommy walking down the street giving high fives as if he was entering a wrestling match. This guy has charisma. You could just sense it. He may lean to the left on the sanity scale but God dammit does he have a presence. He walked all the way to the end of the line which was down the block and around the corner by this time. When he got back to where we were and some kids that haven't seen a vagina since their mom gave birth had some footballs. Tommy started playing catch. I mean this is Tommy Wiseau standing on 21st throwing a football and it was one of the highlights of my life. I am that awesome. He then preceded to go out into the intersection and give it a little more power, at this time a cop drives by and almost hits him. They exchange words and I assume the police did not know the level of brilliance they were dealing with. It was now time to go in and start the show.

You're next on the High Five list Motherfucker.

Copsucker almost hit me.

We got inside, bought some merch and found our seats. After a few minutes the crowd began cheering and Tommy came down and did a quick Q and A. This is one of the most entertaining Q and A's I have been to. Half the shit he said made no sense at all but it was always entertaining. He constantly would just stop and say "Move on, next question." Someone asked where he was from, his response "I grew up in the world called earth." He was then asked if he ever developed feelings for the girl that played Lisa, his response, "to many beautiful girls here, why would I think of Lisa. "During the Q and A, I also found out that The Room is coming to Blu Ray (Necessary) and he is releasing it in 3D next year. He also states that in one of the scenes there is a ghost that showed up in a mirror. He stated that "The Room is not about Murder, its about expressing yourself." His best response came when asked the difference between men and women. His response, aside from the penis as he stated is "When boys go to the bathroom it sounds different than girls." Now that is deep. Next up he had a bunch of people that dressed up come up on stage and had them act out a scene while he directed it. I assume that this was an accurate look into how he directs so I felt privileged to say the least. It was now time. Curtains drawn.

Say the line, SAY IT! Fuck it, I'll show you...

I have seen The Room a few times, always at mine or a friends house and 4 out of 5 times with the rifftrax. It is always fun but I was more than excited to get the chance to see it with hundreds of people and be involved in all the audience participation. It is like watching Rocky Horror but with no musical numbers and acting that made Meat Loaf look like a Shakespearean trained actor. It was a blast. Hundreds of plastic spoons being thrown throughout the theater, constant yelling at the screen, cancer jokes and clapping to the love making scenes that seemed to be directed by the same guy that does all the sketch comedy love scenes.

It ended so we made our way out and got our pictures taken and our shit signed which was more work then one would think. He misspelled my name by putting Erc, he then went back just added another C and dotted the first one. I had him sign some things for some other gurus of bad and he fucked that all up as well. I am not complaining it was a very fitting ending to the evening that almost made my brain explode.

 Trmerrc meets Tomy Woseaow

If you are a lover of bad cinema you must seek this movie out, and if possible see it with a crowd and Tommy as it is a night I will never forget.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Demonic Toys 2 (2010)

Well it's about fucking time we got a Demonic Toys 2. The first Demonic Toys was so full of amazingness that I am absolutely SHOCKED it took this long to make a sequel. (Not counting Dollman vs Demonic Toys and Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys but a true straight up SEQUEL to Demonic Toys)

The original takes place in a warehouse full of toys...that get possessed by demons...demonic toys...crazy one liners...90 minutes of sweet toy murdering action. The original is amazing in my opinion and very worthy of the Full Moon brand name. It is one of a select few titles that are almost always recommended when somebody comes to you and asks...Full Moon, huh? Where should I start? Demonic. Toys.

But can part 2 stand up to the original?

Yes. Yes it fucking can.

The story goes basically like this: Group meets up at a castle to investigate a new toy. Dr. Lorca, a collector of oddities, is in search of his latest greatest toy for his collection. The oldest toy ever made. Well this toy happens to be possessed...by demons. So this toy gets loose and reanimates Baby Oopsie Daisy and Jack in the Box from the original Demonic Toys...which Lorca had recently acquired during the opening credits of the movie. And from there its a miles long race full of murder, mystery, an evil plot to steal the ancient toy, ONE FANTASTICALLY GREAT BABY OOPSIE DAISY ONE LINER AFTER ANOTHER, and demons. Fucking demons.

I honestly felt like I was back in the 90's watching this sequel. The story was classic Full Moon. There were recurring characters from OTHER Full Moon movies in this film. (Dr. Lorca from Hideous! RETURNS!) The plot progressed at about the same speed as its original...kinda slow in the beginning but it fucking kicked ASS the longer it went. The setting/mood/lighting/music/effects/EVERYTHING felt like 90s Full Moon. God how I loved it.

I didn't think they could do it...but they did. Somehow they made this movie almost 2 decades after the original and (CGI aside) made it seem as if it takes place right after the original. Thank you Full Moon. Please do this again...with Bad Channels! (And Dollman)

The effects were great. Mostly puppets...but I was actually quite surprised at the frequent use of CGI in this movie. It brought it down a little bit...but just a little bit. There were a couple scenes where it made some sense...like those scenes shown in the trailer. Otherwise the use of CGI is mostly to enhance the ridiculousness of the kills. (extra blood, know what I mean?)

I definitely recommend this...to the Full Moon fan. (just your casual observer probably won't appreciate it as much) Demonic Toys 2 is classic Full Moon and it just PROVES that the company is on the rebound. The new era of Full Moon is picking up steam, you'd be best to hop on the train before it speeds away, leaving you in the dust.

You can find the original on Netflix Instant and Demonic Toys 2 is available to rent on DVD. Or you can buy it from Full Moon Direct. or Amazon.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Klown Kamp Massacre

Lloyd Kaufman is in this.

Now, I'll be honest here and say that I felt the first 2/3 of that trailer really made this movie look unbearable. Just tons of stupid clown jokes and stuff that nobody really has any interest in watching.  But then they show clown fucking...and you got me. I need to see this movie now. I need to see the gratuitious nude clowns getting murdered, I need to see more clown head explosions, I need to see more clown murderousness. It will be amazing.

Klown Kamp Massacre is available for purchase through Amazon. Also check out the official website for more behind the scenes action. If you know what I mean.

Friday, May 20, 2011

ANNOUNCEMENT! Netflix Instant Party...and YOU'RE INVITED!



 (Part 1: Introduction to Destruction)



(itinerary below)




Myself and Morbidementia, Tromeric, and Vincent, The Fuzzy Skeletonian have planned and plotted out a single night for the ENTIRE WORLD to sit down and join together for a night of bad movie insanity via Netflix Instant!

What is going to happen is that on Saturday, June 4th starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p time we will begin a 3 movie marathon. During the marathon you can find us on twitter throwing out MST3K style comments and other random shit while we are watching the movie.

And you’re invited.


Join us! Print out the itinerary below, fire up your Netflix Instant player either on your computer (you need to download a plug-in/software FYI) or on your TV. Then either follow us on Twitter while you’re watching and laugh at the ridiculousness of the movies and our stupid comments in real time OR you can participate!

In the comments section here, post your Twitter handle so everyone can follow you along with us. (On Twitter you can add people to a list so that’s what I’m going to do…just add everyone I know is participating into a single list. ALSO, we will be using hashtags. So with each post put #badnetflix at the end so everyone following us can click those and see all of us throwing down on these shitty movies)

OR…get fucking crazy with it. Vincent, The Fuzzy Skeletonian’s blog is primarily an art blog so he might try his hand at sketching out quick art based on his feelings towards the movie. Feel free to make it your own! You can do things like that or you can just update with a live blog, post on your facebook page, do a live coverage of the evening, video tape yourself doing this thing live, WHATEVER YOU WANT! But whatever it is that you do, let us know so we can all follow along!

Mr. Gable - @mrgablesreality
Vincent, The Fuzzy Skeletonian - @vinstem
Tromeric - @tromeric
Morbidementia - @morbidementia


2008. 95 minutes. Not Rated.
Directed by Uwe Boll (notorious bad movie director)
Notable Stars: Udo Kier, Don S. Davis
IMDb Rating: 3.3/10 stars

1983. 100 minutes. Rated PG.
Directed by Luigi Cozzi (ah fuck yes, an Italian production!)
Notable Stars: Lou Ferrigno, Sybil Danning
IMDb Rating: 3.0/10 stars

I beg you not to watch the trailer. I haven’t. This movie is going to be INSANE. I am not going to spoil even ONE second of it. I know that Lou Ferrigno throws a bear into outer space…I already know too much.

2008. 100 minutes. Not Rated.
Directed by the same guys as Monsturd.
Notable Stars: Nobody.
IMDb Rating: 4.2/10 stars


FAR CRY - BEGINS AT 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

*15 minute break*

HERCULES - BEGINS AT 10:20e/9:20c/8:20m/7:20p

*15 minute break*

RETARDEAD - BEGINS AT 12:15(am)e/11:15c/10:15m/9:15p

The 15 minute breaks are there so we all have time to hit the bathroom, grab some munchies, mix another drink, update/check twitter, gear up the next movie, etc.


I just want to thank everyone in advance for your participation. This is really cool and we’re all excited to watch movies with people that we only get to talk to over the internet. It’s neat that we can all get together, coast to coast, and watch movies together, LIVE. I look forward to seeing what you all can do with it. It should be a grand ole time.

If you have any questions, feel free to email me at: mrgablesreality@hotmail.com

Twitter will never be the same.

(Sidenote: someone should tell Uwe Boll. He’s going to SHIT when he sees dozens of people ragging on his movie.)

Thursday, May 19, 2011


A friend of mine told me about this a few weeks back. I saw ONE CLIP and I was hooked. I will show it to you now just so you get an understanding about how seriously this movie wants to castrate you.

I love how back...maybe a decade or so ago. Maybe even just 5ish years ago...kids kind of seemed "off limits" in horror movies. Not entirely mind you but for the most part it was kind of just an unspoken respect for children that they not be brutally murdered or have other unfortunate creepy things happen. But now...they're the fucking targets for everybody.

Anyway, this movie is going to be amazing. Have you seen Mulberry St.? It's a movie about fucking RAT ZOMBIES. That sounds dumb right? NO. No it is not. It scared the poop right out of me. The direction is amazing and the actors were great. And the viciousness of the zombies were insane. And I assume ALL of that is going to translate with this movie. Same crew, same male lead actor, just vampires this time around. And from that clip above...they're going to be fucking brutal.

America is a lost nation. When an epidemic of vampirism strikes, humans find themselves on the run from vicious, feral beasts. Cities are tombs and survivors cling together in rural pockets, fearful of nightfall. When his family is slaughtered, young Martin (Gossip Girl’s Connor Paolo) is taken under the wing of a grizzled, wayward hunter (In the Cut’s Nick Damici) whose new prey are the undead.
Simply known as Mister, the vampire stalker takes Martin on a journey through the locked-down towns of America’s heartland, searching for a better place while taking down any bloodsuckers that cross their path. Along the way they recruit fellow travelers, including a nun (Kelly McGillis) who is caught in a crisis of faith when her followers turn into ravenous beasts. This ragtag family unit cautiously moves north, avoiding major thoroughfares that have been seized by The Brethren, a fundamentalist militia headed by Jebedia Loven (Tony award-winning actor Michael Cerveris) that sees the plague as the Lord’s work.

Pretty straightforward synopsis. I can dig it. I assume this will have a mediocre goal and just TONS of vampire killing. God I hope so. That would be amazing. I hope just ONE of them sparkles....like somehow glitter spills onto it....and they fucking kill it in the worst way. HAHAHAHAH that'd be great.


Oh yeah. That's Danielle Harris.

Stake Land will be available on DVD AUGUST 2, 2011.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Dinocroc vs Supergator (THERE'S JUST NO END!)

To quote Dread Central:
"Whoever Wins...Practical Effects lose."


Scientist Jason Drake has been holed up deep within a secret island laboratory of an unscrupulous biotech corporation. Doing what? Meddling with the laws of nature, of course! When he turns his attention from mutating fruits and vegetables to alligators, crocodiles and dinosaurs, something's bound to grow to horrific proportions -- and escape! Now, two of his most terrifying creations are loose on a tropical island paradise. Bullets won't stop them. Explosives only tick them off. And their ravenous appetite for scientists, tourists, mercenaries and swimsuit models keeps growing.

In pursuit of the scaly beasts are an undercover investigator, a sexy Fish & Game officer, and a cold-blooded swamp hunter known only as "The Cajun". But how can they stop two forces of perverted science that can outrun SUVs, crush buses, and snack on sleazy producers in hot tubs? When these monster lizards ultimately meet in battle, will mankind be the defeated species? Get ready for a bone-crunching, body-chomping, earth-trembling battle to the death!

I really didn't want to post this today. But because of a lack of time, it's happening. And this also has a few things going for it. One: This is a Roger Corman movie. You know you're in for some awesome shit right there. I see that h is trying to cash in on the Asylum craze of giant ridiculous monster SyFy movies. (Been doing it for a couple years now, actually) And good for him. This actually doesn't look too awful...it rips off a lot of Jurassic Park 3. But that's ok. I'll enjoy it.

The most noteworthy thing here is David Carradine. This is one of his final performances...and that alone is probably enough to get a few people to watch it. And the OTHER fact that it's a couple of giant lizards beating the shit out of each other.

There'd better be a clear cut winner. I fucking hate when they don't finish what they start.

We'll see. I'm getting kind of tired of these giant shitty-CGI animals VERSUSING each other all the time. Maybe someone could do something different and try DIFFERENT animals. Maybe Ultra Poodle vs. Mammoth Mongoose. Something INTERESTING. It's always giant lizard this vs mega shark that. Let's really fuck it up.

But in the end, this is a Roger Corman movie. And I will watch it. It'll have at least one or two scenes worth watching.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

SUCKER (or Mansquito 2)

Well this basically looks like Mansquito 2. Or a remake of Mansquito.

But better.

I don't know what it is about these giant mosquito movies but I will ALWAYS watch them. Take MOSQUITO for example. A totally shit movie...but I fucking love it about as much as I love Troll 2. It's so awful. But so so awesome.

Jim Crawley is having a really bad day. He gets fired from his job at the nuclear power plant, his car is impounded and he discovers his wife having an affair. To make matters worse, Jim gets himself abducted by an evil scientist looking to conduct human testing for a vaccine against a deadly mosquito borne virus spreading across the planet. It turns out that years of exposure to nuclear radiation and rabid mosquito DNA don’t mix very well and Jim transforms into a half man-half mosquito, hell bent on revenge. Sucker… payback’s an itch.

Monday, May 16, 2011

The Fright Night Remake Trailer


I've never been onboard with this movie. This trailer just proves it. You can't redo the best. But you know, I will see it. And I will probably walk away kinda liking it. But for now, I will hate it. FUCK YOU FRIGHT NIGHT 2011.

We want Chris Sarandon back.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws (combining the power of 3)

Are you ready for Ghost Shark 2?

Alright, that is just a teaser. It doesn't show much. And it really avoids the REAL reason this movie is amazing. There are exactly THREE reason's I am salivating all over this movie. (4 if you include a ghost shark in the hood)

1. This movie stars George Hardy: The guy that played the dad in Troll 2.
2. This movie stars Juliette Danielle: The chick that played Lisa in The Room.
3. This movie stars Alan Bagh: The guy that played the lead in Birdemic.

That is THREE STARS from THREE of the WORST MOVIES EVER MADE....IN ONE FUCKING MOVIE! HOLY SHIT! This is going to be insane. I only thought this happened in dreams. This is awesome! Can you fucking believe this!? I need to see it. I hope to holy hell they are all in one scene together. That would be like the Expendables (the scene with Arnie, Sly, and Bruce) of Bad Movies.

I have a huge hardon right now. Sorry to be blunt but MAN! This is just too much for one Bad Movie lover to endure. And I have to WAIT! COME ON! Grace me with your presence already!

A quick look at the website has a few updates about going to festivals and stuff. Hopefully they make quick work of it cuz I need this. WHY ARE THESE KINDS OF MOVIES HEROINE TO ME! WHY!? I'm fucking shakin', I need my fix man. I NEED IT!

Alright calming down...

You can also find Ghost Shark 2 on facebook, YouTube, and Twitter. I'll be sure to update you with any new developments. This is the event of the YEAR!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation Poster and new Trailer!

Couple weeks back I blogged about Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation. At the time there was just an "ok" trailer and no Poster art. Well, it's as if they were reading my blog because now there is a wonderful poster and a newer, more Jeffrey Combsesque, trailer for all of us to enjoy!

The Poster

HOLY FUCKING FUCK! Wishmaster and Herbert West with mustaches.

The newer, better trailer:


Monday, May 9, 2011

What did I just add to my Netflix Queue?



We all need to see this.

I saw this on another website and within 5 seconds of watching the trailer this was in my instant queue. God bless you Netflix Instant. Your library of terrible movies knows no bounds.

And with any luck, review later this week.

Friday, May 6, 2011

THREE new Full Moon movies go into production!

From the email I received yesterday:
Full Moon is starting production on 3 new feature films!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we're super inspired and excited about these unique productions!!!!!!!!!
They are: KILLER EYE 2: HALLOWEEN HAUNT! Our killer horny eyeball is back as a replica size hypnotic monster that terrorizes 5 hot chicks as they set up a Halloween haunt in an old mansion! UNLUCKY CHARMS: Four super deformed mythical monsters are called upon to extract revenge on a group of beauty contestants shooting a reality TV show! And THE DEAD WANT WOMEN! This title says it all! Our first living dead movie in ages - and these dead simply want women!!!

This is awesome news. Even though I was really hoping TRANCERS 7 would be included in this list...but it isn't. I hope that stills makes it someday. But this news is still awesome! It's glad to see that their list of new movies is started to extend PAST sequels. (Killer Eye 2 not included) The Dead Want Woman: That sounds amazing. But I can't help but wonder in what way the Dead will need these women. Hopefully they need them naked. That's my vote. And Unlucky Charms...I know this is about midgets. Fucking awesome deformed midgets. Charles Band also included four character descriptions for Unlucky Charms, check it out:

a strange dwarf with a bright red beard. His clothes and hat suggest those of a Leprechaun, but not green....instead bright red

An old female hag with straw-like hair and milky-white eyes, dressed in rags, her mouth seeming much larger than it should

a hideous hobgoblin with long sharp claws and wicked needle teeth

A one eyed Cyclops with a necklace of bones not quite stripped of bloody flesh
Ah, fuck yeah. This is gonna be awesome. I'll be sure to let you know when these become available!


This is something I've been meaning to do for a long time...so I'm just gonna go ahead and do it. It isn't just me out there blogging about amazing things. When I first started blogging....I had no idea the amount of AWESOME that was in store for me. HOLY SHIT! You guys are way more awesome than I am. I just use CAPS and !!!!!!! all the time. You guys actually are smart and professional with your blogs. So I will take the time (from time to time) to recognize you here. But since there's so many of you out there, I'll hit two birds with one stone.

Everybody needs to check out this place. If you are a fan of action and bad movies, THIS is your home. While I tend to lean more towards killer eyes and killer tires, Matt over at DTV spends his time chronicling the actions of Steven Seagal, Gary Daniels, Eric Roberts, and Cynthia Rothrock. His reviews are always amazing and chock full of insight and pictures. He's been doing this for YEARS so his library of reviews is very extensive. It's because of this guy that I became aware of TWO Billy Blanks/Roddy Piper movies. FUCKING TWO. (Not to mention a boatload of Gary Daniels movies I never knew existed). And it just isn't strictly action movies, from time to time he slips into horror or whatever. If it's Direct to Video, it's on the Direct to Video Connoisseur!

(Also thank you for teaching me how to spell connoisseur.)

Stacia over at She Blogged by Night has such a cooler blog than I do. Stacia pretty much lives in the 50s and 60s. She posts A LOT of pictures...which is fortunate for me since I have rarely a clue what she is talking about. (I'm getting better) I only know of a handful of actors from that time and probably the same amount of movies from that time. She does these gorgeous pictorial exposes of actors and actresses constantly. I'm a sucker for nostalgia and all things history (when it comes to cinema) so She Blogged by Night is perfect for that. I'd like to thank her for schooling me day in and day out on all kinds of amazing treasures that I assuredly would never find. It's nice to see someone has forgotten our roots.

And a personal thank you for being one of the first followers to my blog and for your support.

Now for the rest of you, follow these people. They're awesome!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Never Cry Werewolf (2008)

The Trailer:

A couple days ago I posted a trailer for a Kevin Sorbo Predator/Robowar Ripoff called Flesh Wounds. I was so damned excited for a Kevin Sorbo ripoff that I had to check out another ripoff he did a couple years back. This time Fright Night gets the Sorbo treatment...

There are only 3 kinds of people that would LOVE Never Cry Werewolf.

1. People who ABSOLUTELY adore the movie Fright Night. They know the movie in and out…or at least have a pretty good understanding of the story. These people also happen to love horrible movies.
2. Blissfully ignorant teenagers.
3. Morons.

I happen to fall in the first category. (obviously)

Never Cry Werewolf IS Fright Night. There really is no way around it. The story is the same, the scene sequence is the same, the characters, for the most part, are the same. BUT WAIT! There’s a werewolf instead of a vampire…so its totally different.

(I’m about to spoil the shit out of Fright Night and Never Cry Werewolf so if you have seen neither of these movies and have any intention of watching them, you might want to skip the next part)

1-Fright Night starts out with a boy sitting in his room. He looks out the window and notices there’s a new neighbor. And there’s something odd about it all. But he shrugs it off for the time being.
2-Fright Night arouses suspicion by having the Vampire next door luring women home late at night and eating them in front of the window…which the boy sees from his window. (and the news points out that said woman has gone missing the next day)
3-Fright Night has the evil Neighbor coming over to the boys home and getting friendly with the family and making silent threats to the boy.
4-Fright Night has the vampire being interested in the girl because she bears a striking resemblance to his lady he had eons ago.
5-Fright Night has the boy running to the police begging them to look into his neighbor. When they do, the boy proclaims that his neighbor is vampire and everyone laughs at him.
6-Fright Night then has the boy trying to figure everything out. He does a little research, with the help of his good pal EVIL ED (Amazing character by the way), and figures out the best way to kill a vampire.
7-Fright Night then enlists the help of a washed up late night TV personality. He is on the verge of cancellation and his career is basically over. This man is Peter Vincent. The greatest vampire hunter in recorded history.
8-Fright Night then has Peter Vincent checking out the neighbor, with obvious disbelief. It’s all an act. But then something happens that causes him to instantly believe that the neighbor is in fact a vampire.
9-Fright Night then has Peter Vincent trying to run away from it. The boy begs him to help him. But when Peter Vincent tells him no, the boy tells him that he’s going to do it anyway. So Peter is conflicted and feels bad so he goes to help the boy anyway.
10-They invade the neighbors home, have a crazy little battle, and become victorious against the terrible vampire.

Now if you re-read 1-10 and replace Fright Night with Never Cry Werewolf, boy with girl, vampire with werewolf, Evil Ed with Emo Pizza delivery guy, Peter Vincent with Kevin Sorbo, and “greatest vampire hunter in recorded history” with “pussiest werewolf hunter in recorded history”, you have Never Cry Werewolf.

This would be one of the "werewolves".

And you know what? I kinda liked it. For some reason I really liked it. It’s just that I’ve seen Fright Night enough times to know how the story goes, so when I watched Never Cry Werewolf, I was just BLOWN AWAY about how similar it was. It’s like all those papers in high school that you cheated on. Those ones where you just made a photocopy and used whiteout to put your name on it. This is the same thing. I actually had a lot of fun anticipating the next scene...waiting to see if it take the same road as Fright Night or try to be something original. Nope. Same fucking road.

If you’ve never seen Fright Night, then this movie might still appeal to you. It’s got a cute girl in it. There’s no nudity, but she’s still pretty cute. The werewolf effects are really good. With the exception of one scene…all practical puppet effects. I really really appreciated that. And this movie is quite a bit gorier than Fright Night…so it scores some points there.

And if you haven’t seen this movie. The first kill will make you laugh really hard. HOLY SHIT that guys acting is amazingly horrible.

If I had to recommend this…I would say that I would. Probably the best thing you could do is make a drinking game out of it and every time you see something that this movie ripped right out of the Fright Night screenplay…take a drink. Trust me, you’ll be feeling pretty good by the end of it.

Other than that…it was alright. The acting was bad but the effects were actually really good. The story, even though it was ripped off, progressed kinda haphazardly. It’s like a crinkled up Fright Night.

I don’t know. I love it and I hate it. Would I watch it again? Absolutely. So I guess that’s all that really matters doesn’t it?

No. No it doesn’t.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Halcyon Internation Pictures: Your new home for BAD MOVIES!

OH BABY! You need to check this out. I have no idea who or what these people do. Their website, even with their impressively professional water logo, really doesn't SCREAM movies to me. (this looks more like what my water company would look like) There isn't even any information on their website about what they do. I think they're a distributor. They have Re-Animator and Bride of Re-Animator on their list of movies...so maybe this means more Re-Animator? I don't know. But check out just a few of the titles in their stock:

Fuck yeah. I need to see all these. Check out their website for other amazing titles! If you know any more information than I do...please leave it in the comments. I sent them an email the other day regarding Parasitic. I NEED TO SEE THAT MOVIE.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Kevin Sorbo has some new Flesh Wounds

HOLY SHIT! This looks like Hercules vs the Borg. I'm in.

I hinted at this last week. (And I base this off the trailer) This movie is one amazing looking Rip Off...of a Rip Off. Anyone remember my Robowar review? Basically Robowar is Predator, shot for shot, if the Predator were a Robot.

Now we have Flesh Wounds. Which looks like its Robowar...if it starred Kevin Sorbo.

Yes. This is gonna be awesome!

You know, last night I watched another Kevin Sorbo ripoff: Never Cry Werewolf. It is a SHOT FOR SHOT ripoff of Fright Night. It has it all. I was blown away. I mean, wow. (review soon) But if Flesh Wounds is anything like that, then we are in for a GOOD TIME! I love ripoffs. I don't know why. Maybe its just fun to sit and watch these movies in anticipation for the next scene they steal.

Dear god, is Kevin Sorbo the next Reb Brown? You know...cuz Reb Brown did all those ripoffs in the 80s...Strike Commando, Robowar, Yor. I hope so. That'd be awesome.

Anyway, Flesh Wounds: SYNOPSIS!

On a remote US Army facility that officially doesn’t exist, a top-secret group of scientists conduct weapons research when they’re horribly and suddenly ripped apart by an unseen enemy.

With the disappearance of the scientists blamed on terrorists, an elite covert ops team commanded by Lt. Tyler (Kevin Sorbo) is tasked with recovering the missing personnel within 24 hours as well as keeping the operation strictly off the books. Accompanied by CIA escort Cassandra Mason (Heather Marie Marsden), Tyler’s team arrives in country only to find the scientists already dead. They’ve been savagely dismembered, and as one of the team observes, "There’s no way an AK-47 can do this to a man." Tyler’s commandos engage the terrorists, but after the slaughter it’s apparent the supposed terrorists are actually a contingent of US soldiers on a training exercise. Something far stronger and more dangerous than terrorists has mutilated the scientists.

Pentagon machinations aside, Mason points out that Tyler’s job is just to shoot his gun and keep his mouth shut. But as the bodies pile up and the deadline closes in, the reason for the secrecy becomes clear. Tyler and his team have been sent to destroy a prototype super soldier, and this mission they may not return from.

Well that is pretty revealing. And pretty much exactly what happens in Robowar. And Predator. BUT it's totally different. This has Kevin Sorbo. And scientists. This is gonna be awesome.

Look for Flesh Wounds to hit DVD on July 28th. Hopefully this goes straight to Netflix Instant. I need to see this.

Monday, May 2, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Cannibal Apocalypse (1980)

This is actually one of a couple posters for this movie. It's an Italian production so it goes by a few names. But I liked this poster the best so that's what I'm putting here. But if you'd like to see the official poster (and even buy this movie) you can check it out on Amazon here.

Now onto Cannibal Apocalypse.

The story centers around some 'Nam vets. They contract some cannibal virus while in combat. They are then institutionalized until several years later. They are released and immediately go on one amazing cannibal adventure after another. John Saxon joins their group and they terrorize the town, spreading the man eating disease to everyone they come into contact with.

This movie is written and directed by Anthony Dawson. If you're up on your shit movie directors, this is the mastermind behind Yor: The Hunter From the Future. And honestly...I was really pumped for a good/bad movie. Turns out...Cannibal Apocalypse is actually a really GOOD movie. Especially in comparison to Yor. I just don't understand how one can be so good and the other look so bad. Oh well, I don't want to knock on Yor. That movie's amazing.

For a movie that was made in the late 70s, there's a lot of fantastic gore in this movie. I don't claim to know the gore standards of the late 70s but if Friday the 13th is a base for comparison, Cannibal Apocalypse will fucking mutilate you. There could have been more gore obviously but for the period, it is very good. And they space it out just enough that you can appreciate it.

John Saxon and his sidekick "The Exterminator."

John Saxon. Is the man. You'll recognize him as Nancy's father in the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. He brings his A game here. You just can't beat a man eating Saxon.

If there's any criticism I could give to this movie, it's that the actual Apocalypse took too long to happen. I guess that's to be expected but it started out so promising but then just...did something else. I was all pumped for a wild cannibal orgy but it just didn't happen. That's ok though...I got something else instead. And I liked it.

Alcohol Paul borrowed this to me and just told me to watch it, it's amazing. And I've learned to trust him on these things. He is so much better at finding these kinds of movies than I am and I trust his judgement. So going into this, I knew that I was in for some amazing shit. So I had to Tweet about it with the world. Here is results:

(anything in [] was added for this review)

Alright Twitterheads! Listen up! CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE is coming to a feed near you. Let's fucking do this. John Saxon baby!

HOLY SHIT! Written and directed by Anthony Dawson!? That's the guy behind Yor: the hunter from the future! This is gonna kick ass!


Dog exposion. Flamethrowers. Were off to a good start.

6 minutes and cannibals. Let the apocalypse begin!

You know its good when the music matches the blood drips

This guy is barkin up the wrong tree. He's so dead.

Lesson learned. Never leaves kids alone. They ruin everything.

OH! [Saxon totally took a bite out of this chick]

So far this movie is leaning towards cannibalism is a metaphor for eating out chicks.


its not so much that that guy said, catch that son of a bitch, its the manner of how drunk he sounded when he said it [comment of the night]

Dirt bike biker gangs are not scary.

HAHAHAHA the guy with the shotgun agrees with me

"no good cock suckin son of a bitch, get the bastard"

John Saxon keeps walkin around like he's van damme. [this was the second time he showed up on screen in a towel or his underwear]

All these cops suck at being on time. They keep apologizing for being late

I'm surprised john saxons stare doesn't make my tv explode

That's a half a dozen now with bites. I foresee some serious cannibalism coming soon.

Part of me misses the days of landline telephones. The other part knows I could never twitter and talk about shitty movies

Ah fuck yeah! My fiance just brought me pie. I'm gonna cannibal the shit out of this [this was such an amazing thing that happened. She came down, handed me pie, we ate it together, and she left. No pause. Just love.]

I'm trying really hard to connect this as a nightmare on elm street prequel. I hope saxon lights someone on fire

Or perhaps a CHUD prequel?

This sudden lust for flesh is turning me on.

Alright. Payoff time. This chick just bit this dudes tongue off and bashed his head in with a rock. APOCALYPSE...NOW!!!!

The black guy rules [motherfuckers were had by everyone]

I think they made the cast suck on popsicles constantly so their tongues would be red all the time

I can't believe the director of yor directed cannibal apocalypse. This is actually pretty good. And competent.

Hahahaha they just hacked up some dude for take out

Come on saxon...theres fire right there. Use it!

OH SHIT! They're heading for the sewer! CHUD prequel wins!

That's right, sell it! Make me believe gettin shot hurts.

Wow this climax is awesome.

Nice twist. I like that ending.

I get it now. This is how 28 days later started. Fucking vietnam.

good movie! Tad slow but the story progressed nicely. Saxon ruled. Direction was good. Gore was short but amazing. CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE!