Friday, March 30, 2012

EPIC 80's REVIEW: The Wraith (1986)

Oh yeah, he's going in the Royale.

For me, The Wraith is like an old ghost story. I've heard so much about it but I've never actually seen it. In most circles, this movie is legendary. But for one reason or another, I refused to believe such as fact. Eh, it's just something people say right? I mean, how good could it be? Some alien dude, a cool car, Charlie Sheen, yeah that sounds pretty awesome...but I've been sucked into these situations before and come out crying. This can't possibly be...oh dear god yes it is...holy shit!''s...

If you like hot 80's cars, racing, Charlie Sheen, epic ghosts (see pic above), and gratuitous nudity then please stop reading this review and watch The Wraith immediately. I have to agree with everyone else here...this movie is awesome. Don't let me spoil it for you. Please...just watch it. I'm basically just going to be preaching to the choir because I'm 100% certain anyone reading this review has assuredly seen this movie. There's no way anyone is as stupid as I am.

Yep. That's Clint Howard there at 0:28 with an epic hairdo.

I....I....I....I'm speechless. What a fucking MORON I AM! AAWWDD, this movie is great. I have to admit something though. I know I've been putting this movie off...and I'll try to explain why. I never bothered to see the trailer, I just knew Charlie Sheen was in it. I was kind of annoyed with his shenanigans so I just was like, meh...whatever. And this movie is called THE WRAITH. And my only experience with Wraith stem from the TV show Stargate: Atlantis.

Don't get me wrong. These Wraith are awesome too.

I just wasn't thinking...ghosts you know. But...I've heard it was so good and I was drafting some choices for the 2012 Bad Movie Battle Royale so I figured...what the hell. Give the people what they want.

They just don't make movies like this any more. This movie is a defining example for why I love the 80s so much. Fast cars, fast women, nudity, a crazy plot, practical effects, short skirts, long legs, heavy metal, heavy hair, and RANDY QUAID!

Oh man, when I watched the opening credits and saw Charlie Sheen and Randy Quaid, I immediately thought that this movie was a turning point for putting actors into the loony bin. They're both off their rocker. But that's now. Not then. And they were awesome.

Take the opening scene for example. I knew IMMEDIATELY that I was going to love this movie. No explanation. No dialogue. It's just...


SPOILER ALERT! So the story goes something like this: This group of thugs (ooohh boy, I love 80s thugs) murders this guy whilst he's in the middle of boning his girlfriend. Only the girlfriend doesn't know that they killed him and the gang leader forces her to be with him. (This is actually discovered towards the end of the movie) Then a new dude comes into town (Sheen). He makes the move on the babe and the thugs don't like it. Shortly after, this fucking bitchingest rad car shows up so they decide to race it. The car pulls ahead, and forces a crash. This scenario happens TWO more times. And also, the car drives right into a barn which promptly explodes. Anyway, we discover that the dude in the car, The Wraith, is the reincarnation of the dude that was killed by the thugs and that he's come back to get his revenge and be with his girl. END SPOILER!

I did this 8 times while watching this movie.

The whole time I was watching this movie, I was just really digging the whole thing. The effects, the explosions, the racing, the girls, the music...oh man the MUSIC just kept coming. I've never really seriously considered buying a soundtrack I think I might have to. And all of this tied up in the end and I was taken aback at how nicely this movie tied everything together. They didn't explain The Wraith really but...who cares. He's fucking awesome. I was really glad to see that this movie put the effort into giving The Wraith a motive, a reason to do the things he's doing. And it wasn't even lame. I didn't really catch on until it happened...and I like it when I don't figure it out right away. It makes the movie more fun that way.

But I gotta tell ya, this movie ranks right up there with all the other greats from the 80s. Re-Animator, Aliens, Death Wish 3. Now, if this movie were made today, they would try to explain it more. Try to give it some kind of demonic history or some stupid shit. And it'd be PG-13. Hands down. And I would hate this movie. Charlie Sheen or no.

If you haven't seen this movie yet, then you are a bigger idiot than I am. And if you've already seen this movie (please forgive me and) watch this movie again. You know just as well as I do how great it is.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Tomorrow...epic special contender coming for the Bad Movie Battle Royale

I just wanted to chime in and let you know a special contender will be reviewed tomorrow. This guy is incredible in his awesominity. He is one character that could turn the tables on the whole thing. He defies the laws of existence and has more stamina than an army of robotic strippers.

He came to me and told me that he wanted in on this Royale. He told me that he's going to win this thing. I looked at him and said, "You got it, kid." So I'm giving him a shot and I know all of you out there want this. I know you want this so much so that I need to prepare you ahead of time. You just might faint.

So keep it here tomorrow to read all about your next contender. Back from the dead, dressed in black, and righting wrongs.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Here is your 3rd batch of contenders in the Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012!

Welcome! It's been about 3 weeks since our last update on the Bad Movie Battle Royale. But not to worry, I've still been doing plenty behind the scenes. Reviewing, creating, and getting a special event lined up. (More soon) Until then, let's meet your 3rd batch of contenders in The Bad Movie Battle Royale! Some are new and some are old here on Mr. Gable's Reality but I know you all will give them a warm welcome.


The Garbage Pail Kids. This was originally reviewed as a triple review between myself, Morbidementia, and Guts and Grog Reviews. But now that epicness is taking it to the iron circle. The GP Kids are making their triumphant return and they're looking to solidify themselves as the greatest worst movie here on the blog. They may be small, they may be crude, but don't underestimate them because they will fart so hard you're mustache will fly off.

Finishing Move: The SBD (Silent But Deadly)


The Girlfriend From Hell. What could be worse than Satan? Satan with tits! This is one bitch that is going to be tough to beat. She has all the strengths of Satan and all the appeal of a young untouched 18 year old. Contenders will have to look past her looks and attack the heart. Anyone against her will have to be on defense for awhile until she tires herself out. She's been on the run for hundreds of years and she's looking to plant her feet here on Mr. Gable's Reality as supreme victor of the BMBR.

Finishing Move: Satan's Sexy Scissor


Yor: The Hunter From the Future. YOR'S WORLD HE'S THE MAN! YOR'S WORLD HE'S THE MAN! His theme song says it all. Yor is looking to claim the Reality as his world...and he's the man. There's nothing this guy hasn't done. Killed dinosaurs, killed giant bats, used them as hang gliders, killed entire societies, flown through space, made tender love to every woman in existence. Yor is going to be a tough man to beat, his skills are seemingly endless and he only knows how to do one thing: KILL.

Finishing Move: The Bat-tusy


The 2 Headed Shark from 2 Headed Shark Attack! Uh Oh. Shit just got real. There is not only a shark in the tournament...but a 2 HEADED SHARK! He's double pissed off, double dangerous, double trouble, double the amount of teeth to rip everyone apart! Fortunately the ring is set out of water so all the contenders might be in luck. They always say 2 Heads are better than one and this fierce monster is proof of that. Contenders will have to stay on his backside to win this, keeping away from his mouth. They'll still have to watch out for the tail but that's a battle worth fighting.

Finishing Move: The Shredder

There they are folks, live and in pixelated color! Things are really shaping up now. We have the potential for some very interesting match ups. Yor vs Robowar. 2 Headed Shark vs Poolboy. HOOBOY! This is going to be a year to remember. I'm hoping to wrap up the final 4 contenders next week. I've still got a couple more reviews to do and they are going to be epic! So keep it here at Mr. Gable's Reality for more Bad Movie Battle Royale action!

See the first round of combatants here. See the second round of combatants here.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

DOOM'D Review: The FP (2012)

If you could bottle happiness, drink enough of it to get drunk, it still wouldn’t be enough to fully comprehend the amount of joy that filled my soul after the final credits rolled for...

The FP is at it’s core a movie about redemption, betrayal, rising above oneself, and beating off. Wrapped around that is a layer of self worth, drugs, gangs, tampons, and…

Dance Dance Revolution.

OH YEAH BABY! This is the movie we’ve been waiting for. So far 2012 has been kicking me square in the testicles with all of its WIN and I don’t know how much more I can take! (But for the love of all that is bad, DON’T FUCKING STOP!)

I’m betting that you’ve got some questions. Allow me to answer them for you.


This movie is set in a rural dystopian future. There are rival gangs (The 248 and the 245s) who fight for control of The FP (Frazier Park). They do so not by guns or bloodshed but by dance fights with the video game Beat Beat Revelation! (or as we all know it as Dance Dance Revolution. But Beat Beat leads to some pretty hilarious lines later so I’m ok with the name change) The main guy JTRO loses his brother at one of the contests and vowes to never Beat off again! Until a year goes by and The FP is a shithole. JTRO then returns to win The FP back and have glorious victory sex with the woman of his dreams!


Because its FUCKING AWESOME. That’s why.


I would. And everyone reading this review would. This movie has no secrets. It doesn’t pretend to be anything other than over the top ridiculous. Why would you think anything otherwise? This movie works because it’s a bad movie on purpose but the characters in this movie play their world completely straight. This is the way they live and this is how things are done. To us it’s fucking amazing and funny as shit but to them…it’s another day in The FP.


Twice. There was a short movie first and that was turned into the feature length film. The Trost family is responsible for this masterpiece. If you look at the credits you’ll find at least 4 Trost’s amongst the credits. Directing/Acting/Costumes, they do it all.


It hit a lot of Independent theatres. You probably won’t find this at an AMC anywhere. It’s just too amazing. While all you other pussies went out and saw The Hunger Games, me and about 20 other dudes sat in a small theatre and laughed our faces off. Once it was over, I stood up and demanded they start it over. Or to more accurately quote myself, “Rewind this motherfucker!” And it is all made possible by drafthouse films. Have you ever heard of the Alamo Drafthouse? They’re a pretty large independent theatre chain. I really want to visit one, they are supposed to be just the most amazing thing ever. Well, I guess they’re making movies now. And god bless ‘em.


A little. Do I care? Absolutely not. I’d rather watch something like this, a movie filled with more originality and creative genius then plug away at another remake/reboot/based off a comic/book/Michael Bay enduced piece of shit. In fact, I’m almost willing to go the distance and give this movie another $50 so I can get a signed TAMPON with my bluray!


People who speak negatively about this movie are assholes. And idiots. What in the hell were they expecting!? Just browsing over the IMDb Forums shows people calling this stupid and ridiculous. (Two reasons why I watched this movie: FACT) After watching the trailer, what in the hell do you think this movie is going to be about!? It's all laid out there right in the trailer. You KNOW immediately if this is something you're going to like or not. They aren't hiding behind some kind of fancy editing or anything. This movie is all about redemption and Dance Dance Revolution. And overthetop dialogue.


Shut up, pussy.

Any other questions? I thought not. Go see The FP while you still can. It’s playing for a short while yet at a couple places. (Check out the Drafthouse link above for theatres) It should be out on DVD/Bluray soon for your viewing pleasure.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Girlfriend From Hell (1989)

I remember exactly how I discovered this movie existed. There I was last October watching movies and I put in my VHS tape of Prom Night 3. (an epic movie itself, highly recommended) Before the movie started there was a trailer for Girlfriend from Hell. (Let this be a lesson to any bad movie connoisseurs out there: don’t be afraid to check out old VHS tapes. Especially ones from the 80’s to mid 90s. They almost always include some forgotten gem that you never knew existed.) Anyway, it looked so damned amazing that I immediately unleashed my bad movie hounds to acquire a copy for me. I got it and here we go.

Girlfriend from Hell is a movie that will completely blow you away while at the same time causing you great pain. How a movie this awesome can be so bad is beyond me. It’s good…it’s bad…it’s good/bad…it’s bad/bad. What the hell am I talking about? Let me explain.

The movie is about Satan FROM OUTERSPACE inhabiting the body of a young nubile woman, transforming her into a smoking hot gutter slut and her wacky adventures of seducing young men, swallowing their souls, AND trying to get away from her former lover.

WOW. When I put it that way, this movie is AMAZING! And this movie SHOULD BE! But it keeps falling flat. Oh man, this movie has got so many fucking good ideas driving it but the stuff that fills in the blanks between awesomeness is just so terrible. It’s like a really wild rollercoaster, one minute you’re kinda just chilling up the hill and THEN A WHOLE LOT OF AWESOME HAPPENS and then it’s blah again AND THEN IT JIVES LEFT AND SHANKS RIGHT and then you hit a straight away.

 And holy shit, someone made this into a MUSICAL!

But when it’s all over…I gotta say that I really did like the ride. This movie is pretty sweet, despite the crappiness inbetween. Right off the bat it starts out with this entity flying through space and it lands on Earth. And there’s this guy with a laser chasing it…uhh…her. It breaks away and…

20-30 minutes of character set up. And not even very good set up. It’s all cliché, blah blah blah. But eventually the entity (Satan) possesses her and then this happens: Satan talks her friends into letting her drive the car, she’s squeeling around town driving way too fast. CUT TO: A group of nuns getting lectured about not using weapons against people even though they live in a bad neighborhood. CUT TO: Satan driving fast, she sees the nuns, and tries to run them all over. Then the greatest thing happens.

ALL of the nuns pull out guns and start shooting at the car and one of them reaches under her skirt, pulls out a ROCKET LAUNCHER and shoots at Satan accidentally blowing up an innocent person's car instead! HAHAHAHAHA I had to do a rewind, that was just too epic to see only once. (see video below)

Then it slows down again, and Satan kills some dudes, and that’s pretty cool. Then the guy that’s chasing Satan shows up and they mess up some device that causes Time Warps. So him and this other random chick keep jumping around until they land at the TITTY BAR. (FUCK YEAH!) We get some quick boobs and this movie draws itself to a showdown and finally a close.

There is this one pretty epic scene between this dude and his girlfriend. He just got jerked off by Satan and it was the greatest thing ever. And his girlfriend is jealous and preachy. She decides that she’ll blow him to show him how much she loves him. She pulls it out and she’s all like “icky icky icky icky” and then she looks at it and proclaims, “IT’S SO UGLY!” HAHAHA so true ladies, so true. But she goes down on him anyway and when it’s all over, HE STILL WANTS SATAN! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Hey, it might not be the most fantastic horror/comedy out there. The gore is pretty good. The jokes are pretty hilarious. The acting is bad. The slow parts of the movie bring it down. But the parts that bring home the bacon save this movie. They come in quick, hang around for about 30 seconds, and then leave. But at least there’s more than one.

Hey look, someone took this movie and trimmed out the fat! Enjoy the greatness that is Girlfriend from Hell!

And they even included that totally bitchin' theme song!

And I know that I don’t have a lot of enthusiasm for this movie. I have to apologize, this is actually quite a fun movie, I guess I just had more expectations for it. I thought the pacing would be faster, it’s just not. I say if you like the 3 minute video above, track down a copy somewhere (good luck to you) and give it a watch and judge for yourself. I can totally see a lot of people loving the shit out of this movie. I’d gladly watch it again and maybe I’d like it more a second time but for now, this movie is going into my “it’s bad but better than most” pile.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Warwick Davis has better ideas for the Leprechaun franchise than the people that are making the Leprechaun franchise.

It was reported about a week ago that WWE Pictures was going to do a remake of the original Leprechaun. Here's what Warwick David, the guy that plays the Leprechaun, had to say about that:

"I think it would be a shame to remake the original Leprechaun film. It is a cult classic," Davis said. "It should not be touched in the same way they should not have remade Psycho. I think there is a lot more to explore with the character, so that should be done with a sequel."

To which he continued to say:

"I pitched the 'Lep vs. Pirates' idea to Johnny Depp while we were shooting 'Life's Too Short'," Davis explained. "He didn't say much. There is so much potential for the character. I think a road movie would be fun. The Lep is best when encountering different types of people. I'd also like to see a female Leprechaun - she's even meaner though and makes the original leprechaun seem soft. I'd love to play her too!"

Warwick, you just shot up my bad-o-meter 20 points. YOUR A GENIUS! See Hollywood, the possibilities are fucking endless when it comes to the Leprechaun. Just quit being a bunch of whiny bitches and pit Leprechaun vs Jack Sparrow and then Jack is holding a woman Leprechaun hostage for ransom. GOLD. That movie is pure gold. And why stop there? Lep vs Dinosaurs. Lep in Space II. Lep vs the Lepracy people. Lep vs The Evil Army of Fuzzy Skelotonians!

Make this happen Hollywood. We've already seen the original. And it's ONLY awesome because Jennifer Aniston is in it. It's just hilarious because she is where she is now. You'll never be able to capture that kind of charm again.

Source. Dread Central.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

So much badness going down in LITTLE CREEPS.

Let's start with the cast:

  • Robert Z'Dar (Maniac Cop)
  • Joe Estevez (Beach Babes From Beyond)
  • Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell)
  • AAANNNDDD Jack "THE SNAKE" Roberts (WWF Wrestler)
Oh man, this is going to be amazing. Wait: It gets better. Synopsis:

"Just because something is a myth doesn't make it fiction. That's a philosophy that Professor Vern Drake (Lee Arenberg) believes when it comes to the Demonicron, a book said to open the gates of hell. After locating the book, he decides to conjure the demons the book contains to do his bidding and get revenge on those who ridiculed him. However, when he only manages to translate half the words required to summon them, he only gets half-size demons. Now the demons are anxious to prove that though they are half the size, they are double the trouble!"

I know what you're thinking. This movie is ripping off Full Moon's The Creeps. It's about a scientist that resurrects the universal monsters but something goes wrong and they're all midgets. I prefer to think of this as a semi sequel that makes the jump from universal monsters to demons. Either way, it pleases me to know that people are still making this kind of movie.

Check out Dread Central for some still photos including a chinese Z'Dar and a fat Jake the Snake.

Here's a rough cut trailer. Hopefully we'll be graced with a proper one soon...but until then, enjoy!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Going to see METALLAGHER on Saturday.

This is too epic not to share with everyone. There is a band out there called Metallagher. They are a Metallica cover band...mixed with the comic stylings of Gallagher. It''s so beautiful. :')

Check out their website for shows near you. There doesn't appear to be very many but there's the Minnesota show and then they're off to California.

Friday, March 16, 2012

DOOM'D Review: Yor: The Hunter From the Future (1983)

The word "MANLY" as described by the internet:
  • A description of someone or something that is very masculine or awesome, such as eating jerky for two months straight.
  • A true man, who eats nothing but bacon, he must be buff, and eat bacon, he must think like a true man, by eating bacon, and above all he must act like a man, so eat more bacon!
  • A word used to describe something great.
  • Yor: The Hunter From the Future.
This movie is the manliest thing to happen to man since the first (and unfortunately last) day it rained titties from the sky. Nipples abound, it was. Ever since then, man has only had meat and Chuck Norris to confide in. That is until...Yor: The Hunter from the Future came along. Behold, the manliest song ever written:

Men, all you need to do is put this song on your iPod. Go to a club, plug it into the speakers and hit play. You'll be drowning in pussy by the second YOR'S WORLD! HE'S THE MAN! (If you're a woman and reading this, your welcome for the vast amount of amazing sex you are about to have. Your body is no doubt convulsing and getting extremely moist. Find a man quickly. You must copulate. If you do not, your body may explode....because it's Yor's World. And he's the man.)

If you haven't guessed it, YOR: THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE is the single greatest piece of cinema to escape 1983. Perhaps even the entirety of cinema itself. Sure, there are several hundred others that are amazing in and of themselves but where will you find a man that single handedly causes genocide to every species he comes across? Here is a diagram to show you the amount of ass Yor kicks during the entire 80 minute running time.

The story, if you must know, is just as fantastically absurd as you think it is. I have to think that if I were living in 1983 and writing this movie it'd be something like this. I'd write the opening: OPEN: YOR RUNNING TO EPIC YOR MUSIC, INCREASE POPULATION WORLDWIDE BY 34%. Then I'd write the opening scene: YOR KILLS DINOSAUR.

I am fucking awesome.

Then I'd write some pointless dialogue and fit in a quick plot point about Yor having no recollection of his past, just a pendent around his neck. (which will cleverly come in later he he he he) Oops, 2 pages and no action, I better write something in: PURPLE FACED MONKEY GUYS ATTACK. WOMAN CAPTURED, YOR MUST GET HER BACK. How you may ask? The manliest way possible:

By killing a giant bat, using it as a hang glider, swooping down and killing EVERYONE. Then I would do the next most manlogic thing I could do: Put Yor into a love triangle. Oh yeah, Yor's too much man for one woman. Shit, it's been too long since the action again, now it's time for: YOR FIGHTS MUMMIES WITH A FLAMING SWORD. Then it's at this point that my boss would come in and tell me that this thing is too similar to Conan and the hoard of other barbarian movies that came out at that time. I'll tell him to give me a "coupla hours", I've got some ideas. (And all of them stem from the fact that I just finished watching Empire Strikes Back) So I come back to him with the "twist". Next scene: YOR FIGHTS ROBOTS. Robots with fucking lasers, and they look like Darth Vader.

Now, I want you to take a moment to reflect on that twist. Yor is fighting robots. Yor: THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE is fighting robots. At first its all prehistoric and there's dinosaurs and cavemen and then BAM! Fucking robots. After reading the title, the tagline, seeing the trailer, and looking at the cover art, the twist is just something you don't see coming.

Like I said. This movie is manly.

Alright, so we gotta end this thing right? do we end it? Let's have a "Dark Overlord" guy that really looks like the Emperor. Let's have Yor do some more manly things, like shoot lasers, hit people with rocks, and then restart civilization itself. End with some narration about Yor kicking ass and he flies off into the sunset in a stolen space ship.


I dare you to try and resist it.

Few things before I leave you:
  • The Spoony Experiment did a very long and very awesome video review for Yor: The Hunter From the Future. I highly suggest you take the time to watch it. It covers all of this and so much more.
  • The video release for Yor is actually a cut down version of a 4 HOUR MINISERIES that aired in Italy. The only place I have ever been able to find a copy of it is on iOffer. It's $30 so I haven't gotten around to buying it myself...but I really really want to.
  • The soundtrack was finally restored last year and is available for purchase again. It was lost forever but now you can own this amazingness. Available on Amazon from BSX Records, a label that apparently is reviving old soundtracks. I suggest you check it out.
  • Yor had pretty much disappeared forever. The only way to get a copy was to torrent it or pay a ridiculous amount for the VHS. Now, Warner Bros. has released a bare bones "made to order" DVD-R copy you can buy now. You can get it from their website or on Amazon. (Cheaper on Amazon)
  • Reb Brown is awesome.
  • Finally, I know this really isn't a review as much as it is a retelling of this movie. There really is no way to review this movie beyond the word, "Awesome". This movie sells itself. The poster, the title, Reb Brown, the insane story, everything. There is no reviewing it, there is only experiencing it.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Wait one damn minute. These poster ripoffs are getting out of hand!

The other day I just brought up the same image that showed up in the movie Roadkill and Absentia. Now I find THIS!

Now, forget the face. The face is obviously different. But look at the hands and hair and compare them to these:

The bad horror movie poster creator plot thickens...

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

First trailer for Full Moon's newest: THE DEAD WANT WOMEN!

Oh yeah, that's Eric Roberts BABY!

Beginning at a stylish mansion in the roaring 1920's, a socialite, flappers, and the men who love them come to their ultimate demise. These ghosts continue to haunt the mansion throughout the decade. Now they've come back to haunt and chase after a new generation of beautiful girls. The Dead Want Women!

Wait a minute, this is Full Moon right? If I didn't know better I would think that this was some kind of "effort". Hey, I'm all about the puppets, and evil bongs, and more puppets, and just utter insanity from the outer reaches of space but this...this looks like something that might be a whole lot of awesome.

This looks like its going back to Full Moon's roots. It looks like it's going to try to be a little scary but witty at the same time. It's got a cool title, Eric Roberts, a pretty standard plot with a fairly interesting backstory built in, lots of nudity (there has to be, there was some in the behind the scenes video they put out awhile ago) and the trailer is telling me that we're in for something different from Full Moon.

Dear god. I think they've devolved themselves to evolve themselves. Go Full Moon Go!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon is coming back this Saturday! Join us for all the comic mayhem!

It's been a few months since me and my fellow Bad Netflix'ers got together and ripped on a movie but this Saturday we're coming BACK! Join us on Twitter (or however you wish to rip on these movies) and be sure to use the hashtag #badnetflix.

All the greatness starts at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p! We also have a poll running to decide the third feature during the marathon so go over to the Bad Netflix Crew HQ homepage to vote! You can also view the itinerary and details on all the movies for the marathon.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

You can't fool me people who makes bad horror movie posters! I caught you!

Twas last July when I had a post about the movie Roadkill. A new Maneater movie. I have since watched that movie and added it to the pile of made for SyFy movies I love. In the opening paragraph I complained that I had seen parts of the poster before. I had skimmed past it somewhere in my travels and today...I found it.

HAHA! I KNEW IT! That's the same chick in both of them. Sure, there's a little photoshop magic at work here with different clothes and blood but that's definitely the same chick.

But my mind is still not at ease. I'm almost certain Absentia is NOT the movie I was thinking about that had this chick on the cover. The reason I think this is because Absentia came out on DVD yesterday. So there's a very real possibility that these 2 are not the only covers to feature this struggling beauty.

Poor girl, she's been attacked by giant vultures and shadowy smoke people, LEAVE HER ALONE BAD HORROR MOVIES! LEAVE HER ALONE!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

DOOM'D Review: El Monstro Del Mar! (2012)

Before I get started, let's check out the trailer quick.

Going into El Monstro Del Mar I had a few expectations. After first seeing the trailer and checking out the poster I had a very good feeling about this movie. Retro look, crazy old man, gang of psychotic women, a giant monster, what appeared to be all practical effects, and a chick with a shotgun. It looked like it would be gearing itself up as a 70s exploitation flick and then turn into a monster movie. Something along the lines of From Dusk til Dawn.

The thing does all of that. It has everything in the previous paragraph. The story even progresses like that of From Dusk til Dawn but it still manages to...I hate to say it...disappoint. Maybe I had my expectations a little too high but this movie just didn't quite make the cut for me.

Here's why. So just imagine From Dusk til Dawn except its 3 crazy chicks and instead of vampires its the Kraken. The opening scene is FANTASTIC. It shows the girls' first murder of the movie. They bait, they switch, they slit throats. The thing that makes it so cool is that it's all in black and white...but the second blood hits the screen its ALL color. I thought that was not only really cool but added to the whole retro feel they're going for. Then they go to a nearby harbor to rest up for their next adventure. And here's is where the movie just hits a wall for 30 minutes. NOTHING interesting happens. In From Dusk til Dawn there's some tension when they hit the US/Mexico border and it has well written dialogue to move it along until its grand finale, this movie just has chicks drinking...and NOT getting naked. WWWHHHAAATTT??? you can't afford nudity. That's ok. But I really feel with a movie like this one that's trying to have a big exploitation aspect to it, there's gotta be nudity. Somewhere. Anywhere. But whatever, that's ok. I can look past it. But there just isn't anything to care about in that 30 minutes. It just lost me. Now, if they would've spiced it up with the police hot on their tail for killing those dudes in the opening scene...THAT would've been worth it. Instead the movie builds up the legend of a monster from the sea that kills people in the town...and the whole time you're thinking, "If there's a giant monster eating your town WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" And they tell the story like 3 times! (Alright already, I get it, giant monster. I'm going to get drunk now) But I guess it hasn't happened in a long time so whatever. Then in the last 15 minutes or so the monster shows up and kills everyone. FINALLY, this movie picks up. And I have nothing bad to say about the way this movie ends. The monster is cool, a giant Kraken with mouths on the ends of its tentacles. They rip and cut and tear heads off and bite and all kinds of cool stuff. The girls are trapped in their house when it attacks so they have to fight it off and they use all kinds of weapons: chainsaws, knives, whatever. It's all very cool and very exciting.

And why it works for me is because it's all practical effects. I have a huge appreciation for any movie that will take the time to build a working monster for their movie. They didn't skimp out on the giant monster either, they built a model and stuck with it. That is why even after all negative things I've said, I'd highly recommend this movie. The last 15 minutes is just awesome. It's like the first hour didn't happen. And I don't even care. And when a movie's only about 10 minutes over an hour, it's not a huge pain to sit through.

I guess you can view this movie as one giant build up. Here I am telling you there's a huge payoff at the end. All the stuff you are going to sit through will be gratuitiously rewarded by the end credits. (and what you're sitting through won't kill you either) If you look at it that way, then I think you'll enjoy this movie more than I did. I'm going to watch it again and I'm positive I'm going to like it more the second time. I understand this isn't a movie about exploitation so much as it exploits exploitation to carry it to it's finale. (Does that even make sense?)

El Monstro Del Mar, I say watch it. The chicks are pretty hot, they get into bikini's at one point. The monster is really fucking cool. The gore is good. The soundtrack is pretty awesome, all old school. The movie has a unique look to it. And when it comes down to it, these kinds of movies aren't very plentiful these I say let's all get around it and support it. This is the director/writer's first full feature movie and for a total noob...he does a surprisingly decent job. I would love to see what else he can do. He's got the beginning and ending down pat, now he just has to work on the middle.

You can find El Monstro Del Mar on Amazon

Monday, March 5, 2012

DOOM'D News: The Tooth Fairy 2. Starring Larry the Cable Guy

I wasn't going to make a big deal out of this until I realized that this is but another sign of our inevitable demise on 12/21/2012. We're all doomed.

Get your shotguns ready, this hits DVD TOMORROW.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Here's the second batch of combatants in the Bad Movie Battle Royale!

Welcome. Over the past few weeks I've been reviewing some films. Some of them were geared towards the DOOM'D Reviews I promised for this year and others were just plain old amazing Bad Movie Reviews. But out of the reviews that I've done so far, 4 of them stand out as contenders for supreme champion of the Bad Movie Battle Royale. They've earned a spot in my heart and a spot on the board. So, without further delay, here are your second batch of contestants in the Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012!


The Martian Pilot. From the movie Spaced Invaders. He's lude, he's crude, and he's one bad ass mother from the Red Planet. For having such a large cranium he sure is a whole lot of stupid. But where he lacks in brains he makes up for in intuition, instinct, and skill. He may not understand books or school but he can put together a Quad Vectored Hypo Thermic Cosmo Blaster without a manual. His main offenses and defenses lie within his body. He's small and can easily run away from bigger, slower opponents.

Finishing Move: The "When I say whoa, I mean WHOA!"


Tammy! From the movie Tammy and the T-Rex. She might not look like much, just another slutty teenager dancing around in lingerie for a brain sitting in a jar BUT she's much more than all of that. It all comes down to this fact: She had sex with a Tyrannosaurus Rex. That kind of endurance and strength is astounding. Tammy's main offense and defense comes from her body...offensively her body is nice to look at and will be a distraction to other fighters. Defensively: Her bod can take abuse...and I think that's the way she likes it.

Finishing Move: The Rex Sex


The Robot. From the movie Robowar. Robowar is one tough cookie. He's a cyborg. He has barely any emotion. If he is beaten down enough his human side may begin to show through but for the most part its all robot. Whoever his opponent is will need to be smart and on the move, because Robowar is always on the offensive. Never resting. Never stopping. Until someone is dead.

Finishing move: The BAM. (Bad Ass Motherfucker)


The T-Rex. From the movie Tammy and the T-Rex. In an unprecedented move here at Mr. Gable's Reality, we've allowed TWO combatants out of one movie. The movie was so bad and so awesome, and had a title that pronounced TWO combatants in it's title (Tammy AND the T-Rex), so after much contemplation it was decided that they BOTH will be allowed in the Royale. Does that give the movie an edge? A bit. Does it also give the possibility that Tammy will have to fight her lover, the T-Rex, in the Iron Circle? YES. And that's why they are both in the Royale.

The T-Rex is another tough cookie. Not only is he a T-Rex but he's a robotic T-Rex. He has the mind of a jocky high school student so that will be his biggest disadvantage. He's easy to outsmart and outrun but his stamina and strength are no match for no man.

Finishing move: The Big and Rexy.

There you have it! The second batch of contenders in The Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012: It's Bigger, Better, and Badder! It may be only the second batch but things are already starting to get interesting. We have two lovers, two robots, the possibilities are almost endless...and there's still EIGHT MORE to be announced! Until then, From the domed roof of Gablestadium, I'm Mr. Gable and this is...THE BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! We'll see you soon for the next round of combatants...