Monday, February 28, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Birdemic (2008) [NEW Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

I have found the Nexus.... and it is "Birdemic". Watching that movie was like... being wrapped inside Joy.
-My friend Truck
Forget everything I have ever said about "this movie is the greatest movie I have ever seen" or "this movie is so awesomely bad that I just can't express my love for it". Forget it. I often times say these things because it just so happens that at that really is the greatest thing I have ever seen. But I am far from ever seeing EVERYTHING. Until this. Birdemic. This is it my friends. Every couple generations something comes along that is so awful, so atrocious, so poorly done...that it takes your eyes and your ears witnessing it...experiencing believe that it is there. First there was Manos: The Hands of Fate...then there was Troll there is...

HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD! Seriously...this happens for 90 minutes. Well actually the first 45 minutes is spent setting up....nothing. Nothing at all. The only reason it is epic is because of how poorly directed and edited the scenes are. There are huge delays between conversations, the sound is all fucked you'll see the guy talking and there'll be a ton of background noise...and then you'll see the chick with absolutely NO background noise. And the shades of day are all messed up during conversations. Scenes constantly drag out 20 seconds longer than they really ought to. And all of these things...ALL OF THEM...will make you laugh until your eyes bleed and your gut explodes.
Oh yes. The last 45 minutes. Well you see...the poor direction and editing continues except now there are a shitload of .GIF vultures floating on the screen. And then we witness the group of people attempt to escape the terror filled invasion...while the rest of the world seemingly goes about its business. HAHAHAHA oh man, they're shooting out on busy highways and during traffic. Nobody else on the roads seems to give a shit about the .GIF birds. It's just so awesome.
Did I mention that they also explode?
The story revolves around this salesman that runs into a woman while eating alone at a restaurant. They have an awkward exchange and then the swap "cards." CALL ME! They do call each other...after about 10 minutes of watching the main character get in his car and drive places. Anyway, they hook up and have a hilarious date. Then they go back to this hotel for some sweet (no nudity) lovin...

I think the entire budget went into getting this chick in her bra and panties. 

Honestly, this movie is a huge WTF. All of us, right here, right now, could churn out something better than this movie. But for whatever insane reason...Birdemic is total fucking WIN. Everything about it is so bad and so wrong that you can't help but laugh. You'd really like to think that maybe this was done on purpose...but I just don't know how that could happen. But I don't care either way because this movie made me laugh more in 90 minutes than any other movie I've watched so far this year. Combined.

And this shit is on bluray!

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I originally started with 10 movies that I was going to have fight one another in a death match of doom! But I recently saw 2 movies so full of win that now I've upped the stakes and there will be TWELVE contenders in the Battle Royale. This is the sixth of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Birdemic

Since this movie is ridiculous, so is his character.

Strength: 8 (They fly into things and explode a lot. I really hope that is an option)
Speed: 2 (I want to say they're fast but most of the time they're just kinda "hovering" on the screen)
Agility: 10 (They're birds, they can do whatever the fuck they want)
Offense: 10 (All offense baby. They attack and attack and attack...)
Defense: 1 (...but die so easily.)
Recovery: 1 (Nope. They fly and explode. Not much recovery from that)
Bleeding: 5 (I saw some blood, not a lot, but some.)

Overall, Birdemic rates an average: 5.88 (Whoa. I was certain it would do worse than that. And I even did a trial match with him and he faired pretty well actually. Looking forward to seeing him in action.)

Friday, February 25, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Panman (2011) [NEW Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]


Let us begin this review with a prayer.

Blessed be the Panman
on Heaven and Earth
He flashes the women
his impressive girth.

He pans all the people
right in their face.
Then tokes on the jay
enjoying the taste.

Fuck all you culinists
and your crafty foods.
Except for the hot ones
cuz we like them nudes.

Come all ye faithful!
Let’s lend him a hand!
Because if you don’t


This would be the unofficial Prayer of Panman but I think we’re all ok with that. And it is a whooping 80% accurate to the movie. 100% if there’s ever a sequel. I loved Panman. It is an amazing piece of film.


Panman is a movie I was fortunate enough to receive a screener copy. So a MUCHO LARGE THANK YOU to Tim Pilleri for sending me this movie. (Tim is the director/writer/badass/star of Panman) And I know for a fact that this movie was great because it was not just I that witnessed it, it was me and a small group of friends that first got to see it and I have to tell you...what a movie man. Everything you want to see a dude dressed up in a pan outfit do...he does. It’s great!

You know, Panman is kind of like Robocop. All you really see of Panman is his chin...all you see of Robocop is his lips. But if ever another person were to play that'd know immediately that it was an imposter. So I hope that Tim is Panman forever. He stagger and stance rivaled that of Robert Englund in A Nightmare on Elm Street. Brilliance!


Panman is …a man. A man…with a pan on his head. And a pan in his hand. The pan in his hand he uses to kill people. People…that know his secret. A very dark and sinister secret. A secret so secret that if I were to reveal it here would put me in mortal pan-danger. (and possibly get me in trouble for violating copyright laws) So you will just have to find out for yourself.

Fortunately for you, you can get to know him a little better. Panman is on facebook. He loves to give wonderful updates about murdering…I mean stalking…I mean hanging out with the culinary students on weekends. And of course up to the minute updates regarding the movie...screenings...DVD news. That kind of thing.


The story is not what I had in mind at all. I just thought it’d be a mindless slasher involving hilarious pan related deaths. AND…while that did happen…it turns out that this movie is a bit of a romantic/horror/comedy movie as well.

Seriously, the first 30 minutes kind of start out as a romantic comedy with Panman killing people in an attempt to find his dream girl. It's so freakin beautiful. Then he finds his dream girl. Then some bad things happen…and a Panman assassination squad is formed to take him down. Then MORE bad things happen. The movie takes a supernatural twist and ends exactly the way I had hoped that it would. With the door WIDE WIDE OPEN for a sequel.


As I watched this movie...for whatever reason I took it seriously. And for whatever did my friends. Maybe its because somebody made a movie and sent it to us specifically to watch it. And you know me...bad movies are serious business. So we watched it, prepared to be pretty critical of it if need be. I was prepared to be MASSIVELY disappointed with the story. I was quite certain that it’d start out strong (and it did, holy shit it did) but then just kinda peter out to one long drawn out movie. I was prepared for really bad acting, sub-par effects, and to regret ever getting excited for this movie. I was also so sure that this movie was going to be no longer than an hour.

But you know what friends...none of that happened. This movie is 90 minutes of precious GOLD! The first half hour is a fucking awesome romantic comedy, the next half hour is the history of Panman and of course Panman running around killing people, and the final half hour is the epic final battle...and lots of people get panned. The pacing in this movie is great. I don’t recall any one moment where I was twiddling my thumbs and thinking to myself, “Come on! PAN SOMEONE!” No, that didn’t happen. My eyes were served a delicious feast a la Panman. And I loved it.

This movie panned me in ways I never thought possible.


The future rests SOLELY on your shoulders. First off…we need to spread the word. Join Panman on facebook, tell your friends to join him on facebook. Tell your friends, your family, coworkers, hobos on the street about Panman. Tell everybody! Open up a Twitter account for the sole purpose of propagandizing Panman. Then Panman needs to get onto DVD. THEN we have to buy that shit by the truckfull. And then once its made boatloads of money, I will get a sequel. I mean WE, we will get a sequel.

As far as sequel titles go, I vote for The Panman Cometh. Or perhaps we could go the way of the Batman Franchise. Panman Returns. Panman Forever. Panman & Robin. (oh dear god no) But then we have a glorious reboot with Panman Begins and The Chrome Knight. It’s gonna be awesome.


If you’ve read anything on this blog before you know that I’m a huge supporter of independent films. Independent films always seem to get the shaft by comparison to other more wealthier films. I think Panman could really be a great movie for everyone to enjoy but I deeply hope that it doesn't get pushed aside. It’s films like these that pave the way for more even crazier movies done by the filmmaker. Sure it’s’s a dude killing people with pans. But isn’t that AWESOME? Come on, lighten up man. And its most definitely a movie that a large group of friends could enjoy. The comments just never stopped in my group.

So in short...Panman fucking rocked my socks off and you should try to get a copy. Also, add Panman on facebook. I hear he is a little more lenient on friends on facebook then with strangers in real life.

Don’t let the Panman get you...

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I originally started with 10 movies that I was going to have fight one another in a death match of doom! But just last weekend I saw 2 movies so full win so now I've upped the stakes and there will be TWELVE contenders in the Battle Royale. This is the fifth of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Panman

There is a severe lack of pan in this game.

Strength: 10 (He can swing a pan lemme tell ya)
Speed: 2 (He is pretty slow. He mostly lingers around...not really running anywhere)
Edurance: 10 (He. Can. Go. All. The. WAY!)
Agility: 2 (I don't think I ever seen him bend. Not once. Ok...maybe to beat the guy with a pan.)
Offense: 10 (Oh yeah, he comes at you and doesn't stop til your DEAD!)
Defense: 1 (He is pretty prone to attack. He was duped by some college students.)
Recovery: 5 (Eh...)
Bleeding: 0 (No bleeding...he has a pan on his head)

Overall, Panman rates an average: 5.00 (Dammit Panman. I thought better of you. FIVE??? You're gonna have to do some training before the Royale.)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Go Green With the Troll 2 Queen!

Go Green With the Troll 2 Queen is not some cool title I just came up's the official website of the Troll 2 Queen! ALL GLORY TO THE TROLL 2 QUEEN!

It is a new site and is still being built but if you were to visit the site now you can plainly see how amazing it is going to be. Blogs, Videos, Giveaways! It's going to be crazy.

And also check out the Troll 2 Queen's YouTube page. There you will find an assortment of videos from Deborah Reed (the wonderful woman who played the Goblin Queen in Troll 2). The most notable video is "The Nilbog Secret: Episode 1" Please check it out below.

Alright, I'll admit it. This video needs more hits before we get to see Episode 2. Everyone click on this and watch it so I can see Episode 2. The Troll 2 Queen saga MUST CONTINUE!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: She (1982) [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

I really had no idea what I was getting myself into with She. Once it began though, my eyes exploded with mindless joy. Post Nuke, Nazi biker gangs, mutants, vampires, SCANTILY CLAD HOT CHICKS!

God bless the 80’s.

I really only watched this because I think I read somewhere that this movie was kinda crazy awesome. And this proves that yet again, the internet was right. I really had no clue that it would be THIS insane. But it’s a pleasant insane. A wonderful visual feast even.

Even though I could understand people being completely put off by all the bullshit that happens in this movie, "She" is the kind of movie that I live for. It has more originality, more creativity, more…what I’m trying to say is that I’d take this over Transformers 3 anyday.

"She" is a goddess. She rules her clan of hot chicks that make men their slaves. (pick me! pick me!) Sometimes sex slaves who are killed after climax. (Every man’s dream) Well these two guys lose their sister to this gang of biker Nazis. The symbol is a little different but you know what the director is trying to do with it. Well the guys end up in the hands of "She", who ends up kind of falling for the hulkier of the two, and decides to help them on their quest.

And their quest pits them against Mutant mummies, Frankenstein, Vampires, a dude with telepathic abilities, a guy that talks like the radio from “A Brave Little Toaster” (or Bumblebee from Transformers...take your pick) who also clones himself everytime he is cut in half, AND a fat bearded man in a tutu.

It's still better than Masters of the Universe.

Uh…wut? Yep, that all happened and so much more. I love this one scene when a woman forces this guy to be a slave and his friend comes back to rescue him. Then the woman shows up and she’s all like, “Hey what are you doing? You can’t leave with him, he’s mine!” and the dude just looks at her for a moment…and then punches her right in the face. HAHAHAHA man that’s awesome.

"She" is everything. Every kind of movie that you could ever imagine. I really hope this gets a DVD release someday. It truly deserves it. If for no reason other than the lovely Sandahl Bergman. She’s so HOT in this movie. I swear, one mild breeze and that piece of paper she calls pants is gone. And I doubt there’s anything underneath. Plus she get’s naked…and bathes herself. Oh yes, my diabolical nerdy friends, she is an exquisite woman. (And as an added bonus...she appears in other Sword and Sorcery films: Conan the Barbarian, Red Sonja.)

So when you’re sitting around some Saturday looking for something fun to watch OR you’re baked outta your gorde and need to laugh really hard at ridiculousness, check out "She". "She" will never, ever disappoint you.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 10 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the fourth of the ten. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: SHE

This thong still doesn't show near enough skin as the movie.

Strength: 3 (She is the master of the power)
Speed: 8 (She moves pretty quickly...but still seems to keep getting cut by enemies)
Edurance: 10 (She can go ALL NIGHT LONG!)
Agility: 10 (She moves like the mighty puma)
Offense: 9 (She never backs down from a fight)
Defense: 3 (But She sucks at fighting)
Recovery: 1 (Always getting her ass handed to her)
Bleeding: 2 (She bleeds a lot. But it's pretty sexy so she deserves an extra point)

Overall, SHE rates an average: 5.75 (Not too bad. I really hope the game doesn't screw her over for being a woman. I think She really has what it takes to win this thing)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

YOU can help produce Birdemic 2!

Awhile back I posted that there is a Birdemic sequel in the works. And there really is but the director has no idea what he's gotten himself into and now needs our help. He's looking for lots of money to make a sequel to one of the wildest damn movies to hit the scene since Troll 2. Currently donations are at $125/$100,000 so he's running a bit short. But I'm sure he could make the sequel with that kind of money anyway. I would think that he'd get more money if the bare minimum pledge was smaller than $50...but that's just me.

From the director, begging the fans to help him out. (It's worth watching, this guy is the shit)

A letter from the director which is more or less the same thing as the video:
Dear Friends and Birdemic Fans,

My name is James Nguyen and I am the movie Director of cult sensation hit movie, BIRDEMIC - Shock and Terror.  Birdemic, a romantic thriller, was produced for less than $10,000 and it made to the front cover of The New York Times!  CBS Morning News, ABC World News with Diane Sawyer & BBC World News did a story on Birdemic and me.  Birdemic was also mentioned in Entertainment Weekly, The Hollywood Reporter, Variety, The New Yorker, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, San Francisco Chronicle, Associated Press and many other major media outlets.  And there were endless sold out Birdemic screenings worldwide!  Birdemic was the cult sensation hit movie of 2010!  There are a lot of Birdemic fans worldwide.

Birdemic is about the harms and threats of global warming.  In Birdemic, the eagles and vultures are the heroes and good guys.  The attack from the eagles and vultures is a global warming metaphor:  an abnormal force of nature like Hurricane Katrina or Giant Jellyfish that attacked people on the beach.

Press Coverage:   Visit

Because of the success of BIRDEMIC – Shock and Terror and the many requests from Birdemic fans for the sequel, I am directing and producing the sequel, BIRDEMIC II - The Resurrection 3D which has a great storyline that compels and motivates me to want to direct it.


Birdemic II Synopsis:  A platoon of eagles and vultures attacked Hollywood, California.  Why did the eagles and vulture attacked?  Who will survive?

I am seeking $100,000 to produce BIRDEMIC II – The Resurrection 3D.

The $100,000 Birdemic II budget will be used as follows:  filming equipment, cast & crew, visual effects & production sets/costumes.

You can help in making BIRDEMIC II – The Resurrection 3D a reality with your contribution!

I appreciate your help!

Best Regards,

James Nguyen
Moviehead Pictures
To donate money, check out this website or you can go the official website for other information.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I Am Here...Now: Cyborg Jesus is back from space and he's very upset.

I can only assume the official poster is too amazing for this movie
that the internet can't handle it. I could not find it anywhere.

Let's get down to the skinny of the situation. Our world is corrupt. We fight and murder each other. It's shocking that we all survive day to day to listen to me talk about shitty movies. We technically should have killed each other by now. But somehow we survive. If you can call our pathetic drug filled orgies a life. (Oh yes we can) But what happens with the whole second coming of Jesus? Should we be afraid? Should we even bother trying anymore? We all know for all the horrible things we've done in our lives that there's at least several hundred thousand out there that have done worse. So does that justify our actions? Well let me tell you my friend. No it doesn't. Because I Am Here...Now:

I Am Here....Now (trailer) from Cinefamily on Vimeo.

And we're all gonna die!

Friday, February 18, 2011

We need a little RAT SCRATCH FEVER! YEAH!

Finally, (another) movie Master Splinter could enjoy. Has anyone seen Food of the Gods? I haven't. But I did see Food of the Gods Part 2 so that qualifies me as an expert in Rat related horror movies. And this movie my friends, is pure Rat GOLD.

What I can only assume is the press release, courtesy of Dread Central:
"Jeff Leroy's schlock masterpiece Rat Scratch Fever is one the greatest feats of cinematic ingenuity thus far this century. Made on a budget of cheeseburgers and good intentions, this phantasmagoria of puppets, miniature sets, greenscreens and live Food Of The Gods-style enlarged rodents rat-chets the Dark Star homemade aesthetic to a new glorious extreme, reaching beyond sci-fi and horror conventions to become something truly transcendent, psychedelic and wow-inducing -- and that barely rat-scratches the surface of this madcap ride! A veteran in the world of low-budget horror and softcore skin flicks, Leroy throws everything in his resourceful arsenal (and garage) at the screen for this staggering entertaining tale of astronauts that bring back humungoid mutant rats to a Los Angeles just waiting to be demolished by their feverish claws -- resulting in a mash-up of alien invasion, animal disaster and mega-action that boggles the mind, hammers the senses and fulfills all expectations. Leroy’s incredible trailer has been circulating geek blogs since 2009 -- and we can assure you the final product is every bit as mind-shatteringly inventive and crazed as you want it to be."
I have to admit , I'm really excited for this. Once you see the trailer how couldn't you be? I rats. Big fucking space rats from space. It's just so amazing.

Oh yeah, I'm buying this.

Rat Scratch Fever is making its world premiere February 26th at the Silent Movie Theatre in Hollywood, CA. After that it'd better RUN TO DVD because I'm getting Rat Scratch Fever over here. The wait, why must we always WAIT for these things!!

But if you are from the filmmaking team behind this movie and are reading this, I will take any screener copies you have and I will make amazing reviews of this movie. I already know this thing is gonna be awesome. Way awesome.

I'm such a bad movie whore. I'll do anything. WATCH ANYTHING. I mean I'll watch anything.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Wrestling Superstars to kick ass in River of Darkness

Dear god this is happening. It ALREADY has a 2.1 rating on IMDb. I'm so fucking excited for this!! Kurt Angle. Kevin Nash. And Psycho Sid Vicious all in the same movie. And if that terribly photoshopped poster isn't good enough for you, then check out these equally as amazing posters:

I wonder why this one isn't the finished poster?

HAHAHAHA They used the same head for this poster and the one at the beginning! HAHAHAHA Man, I love terrible movies.

The brutally short synopsis courtesy of
When brutal murdering starts in a small riverside town, the sheriff must investigate and face the horrific past.
Ok, that's enough. I don't need to know anymore about this movie. That's good enough. But for the rest of you, here's the trailer. I'm sure it's just amazing as I think it is.

Alright. I watched it. Couldn't resist. Man, I think the budget went to getting those 3 wrestlers to star in this movie. YES! I wouldn't have it any other way. Look for it on DVD March 29, 2011.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: R.O.T.O.R. (1988) [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

R.O.T.O.R. is bad beyond any scale known to man. Even the bad-o-meter has a hard time registering this movie. (Although, IMDb has somehow calculated a 1.9 out of 10. WWOOOO!!!) But its so epically bad that its AWESOME. It’s like discovering Troll 2 again. Everything about it is just painfully awful but you can’t help but smile the entire time. I mean when one scene shows an alarm clock going off at 5:00 am and then not more then 1/1000 of a second later the clock says 4:50…you know you’re in for a good time.

The things I love about R.O.T.O.R. nearly equal the things I hate about it. On one hand, this movie is awful. On the other, I’m laughing hysterically. So does this movie win or lose? You be the judge.

On a sidenote before I continue…I have to thank the Direct to Video Connoisseur for this find. I passed by it on Netflix Instant (it’s still there for everyone’s viewing pleasure) and I think someone made the passing comment that R.O.T.O.R. was amazingly bad so…of course…my internal bad-o-meter tweaked and I need to watch this movie.

R.O.T.O.R. is a ripoff of Robocop…and possibly Terminator. Perhaps even Frankenstein. More or less. R.O.T.O.R. stands for Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research. Hahahahaha what the fuck is that? Oh well, whatever man. Anyway, this rancher…who also happens to be an amazing scientist…helps to create this thing. Well the rancher ends up quitting because production on the android has been pushed up from 5 years to 60 days. (A reasonable amount of time). Well it turns out that was a bad idea because once R.O.T.O.R. is programmed with one single prime directive: To judge and execute, he comes to life and murders anyone who’s committing any kind of crime. And then its up to the scientist…blah blah blah…save the girl…blah blah blah.

And let the badness ensue.

It’s been a full 3 days since I viewed R.O.T.O.R. for the first time and I’m still in shock. It’s like somebody beat me over the head with a bad movie baseball bat. I’ve struck GOLD! This movie…I must show it to everyone. Friends AND enemies.

Allow me to demonstrate the greatness of R.O.T.O.R. If you have the time to burn, feel free to watch this entire scene. It’s pretty amazing. But if you’re short on time like I am…just fast forward to the last 20 seconds or so. It’s just so awesome.

Wow. That still makes me laugh really hard.

And you know, it’s not even R.O.T.O.R. that I’m all that impressed with. You have to check out their prototype Robocop. Or maybe they just invented it to cruise around the lab and make wise cracks about everything. This thing is what makes this movie all that much better.

So this is R.O.T.O.R. Mark 1, huh?

Not to mention that this movie has more montages than the entire Rocky series combined. My god, it’s like this movie KNOWS I’m drinking and puts in a montage just in time to mix another one. And long enough so I have time to piss AND mix another one. It’s one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed.

I’d also like to mention another scene. There’s this scene when the woman in distress and the rancher scientist get away from R.O.T.O.R. and shack up in a hotel. (I think it’s a hotel anyway) Once they get inside all it does is dissolve while the scientist has some kind of mental philosophical moment. “Did we play God? Was man meant to do these things?” That kind of shit. It’s just so out of the loop on everything. I know that the filmmakers were trying to put a point across about technology and stuff…but its like it all happened in post production. Like they fucking forgot all about it while writing and filming this movie and somebody in editing just asked the director, “Say, when does the guy have his epiphany that technology is evil?” and the director is all like, “AH FUCK SHIT DAMMIT, I knew I forgot something.” And just kinda…slipped it in there at a convenient point in the movie.

That’s R.O.T.O.R. baby! I sure hope a sequel surfaces someday.

And it looks exactly like this.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 10 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the third of the ten. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: R.O.T.O.R.

Notice his trademark Mustache

Strength: 10 (He's a robot. I doubt anyone can hurt him that badly. Unless your a rancher scientist)
Speed: 2 (For some reason he can't fucking RUN.)
Edurance: 10 (He's a robot. Nothing can stop him)
Agility: 2 (Stiff as a board...if it were made of steel)
Offense: 10 (This guy is ALL Offense man)
Defense: 1 (This guy can't stop ANYTHING that comes at him)
Recovery: 5 (Mildly quick to recover...but he always lays around long enough for people to escape)
Bleeding: 1 (Again...he's a robot. Not much blood.)

Overall, R.O.T.O.R. rates an average: 5.13 (What a loser. R.O.T.O.R. is going down)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

AvN: Alien vs Ninja.

Whoa. This looks like T-Rex vs Ninja. AWESOME!

You know, on one hand...I love these movies. This crazy thing vs that ridiculous thing. But it's starting to wear a bit thin. I know they're making a crazy movie and it probably get more people to watch it with a title called Alien vs Ninja instead of something called The Warrior's Way. (Which is Ninjas vs Cowboys). But come on. It's this vs this all the time now.

Ok, enough of that shit. This movie is still gonna kick ass. It's directed by the guy behind The Machine Girl. I'm looking forward to lots and lots of outlandish gore.

Here is the synopsis courtesy of Dread Central:
Once upon a time in Japan, there was a band of great Ninja warriors led by Yamata called Iga Ninja. One day they witness a flash in the sky, and a roaring giant ball of fire crashes into the distant forest. The warriors rush into the deep woods in an attempt to identify the mysterious fireball. There, instead of finding predictable enemies, they are stunned to face never-seen-before creatures with claws and fangs, the aliens! The hungry brutal aliens start to savage and feast on the Ninja warriors, leaving only a few to survive. Yamata and his warriors swear to avenge their comrades’ deaths and risk their lives to challenge the aliens. However, none of the Ninja weapons, neither their swords nor their throwing stars, has any affect on the alien warriors.
Now Japan’s greatest Iga Ninja face the biggest challenge ever!

 Alien vs Ninja hits DVD and Bluray on February 22. You can preorder on Amazon right now!

Monday, February 14, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Alligator (1980) [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

I knew going into Alligator that I was probably in for a pretty good time. I've heard from several sources that this movie is actually quite a bit of fun and it turns out they're all right! The internet is always a shaky resource when it comes to opinions. But it turns out that they were right. Alligator has got it going on.

Happy Valentine's Day!

This happens FREQUENTLY during the movie. Just when the story is trying to progress too much and become boring...BAM! Alligator shows up and eats somebody. I'll be damned if it isn't just the greatest thing you ever did see.

Watching Alligator kind of brings some memories of Jaws. I would have a hard time calling this a there is very little that it rips from Jaws. But you can still claim that it tries to clone it. There's lots of POV shots of the Alligator stalking its prey...and it has pretty similar music playing while its doing so. But unlike see lots of Gator.

I'm sorry, Ramon. The Alligator's name is Ramon.

He was flushed down a toilet you see. Some little girl got him after watching a man get brutally attacked by a larger one at a Gator show. She gets it home and her abusive father flushes it down the toilet while she's away. Several years later she studies gators professionally and is recruited by the police department to help them track down the massive gator and have sex with the police officer in charge.

Yes. This movie knows what the audience wants to see.

That is more or less what's going on. But actually the majority of the story is told from the police officer's side. His history, his life, etc. He has a tendency to get his partner's killed and it happens again. Only noone really believes its an alligator. Until its too late...

Maybe they should have called this movie "Alley Gator."

The effects department does one hell of a job in my opinion. Not only is the massive gator not that bad up close but when it goes terrorizing the town it's a hoot! They built several city models and show a REAL alligator walking around them and knocking things over. It's really cool. I was deeply impressed.

Alright, I could go on all day about how much I loved this movie. If you're looking for something similar to Jaws but with cooler ALLIGATOR edge, this movie is for you. I'd just buy it. But the sequel...I don't know about that one. It does star Dee Wallace, so maybe its not so bad...

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 10 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the second of the ten. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Alligator

Strength: 10 (THE JAWS OF DOOM!)
Speed: 2 (Although he has short bursts of quickness...overall he's pretty slow)
Endurance: 7 (He can go a long time...cuz he does it at a snails pace)
Agility: 6 (You'd be surprised what gators can do when they're hungry)
Offensive: 10 (THE JAWS OF DOOM!)
Defense: 7 (A very strong hide...but there's still many devastating weak points)
Recovery: 4 (He takes his sweet time healing. But he can take damage so its all good)
Bleeding: 5 (He's tough but he bleeds a lot.

Overall, Alligator rates an average: 6.38 (nnniiiiicccceeee)

Friday, February 11, 2011

Movie Pitch: Redneck Rampage

If you love movies as much as I do, you tend to think about them a lot. Like every minute of every day. Well soon your thoughts wander away from the films you know into the films you wish existed. This is one of those movies. This is:

After the opening credits we open in the deep backwoods on an old abandoned farm. We close in on a rusted old piece of shit Ford pickup truck circa 1977. It’s bouncing around, we hear giggling…somebody’s having a good time. Heh heh heh.

CUTSCENE TO TITTIES! Gratuitous nudity in the first 30 seconds! She’s riding cowgirl style on this dude in the back of the truck. She gets off and lays next to him, still topless. They exchange a short conversation and kiss. Then she looks at her watch and says, “Oh shit! Mom and Dad wanted us home for dinner 10 minutes ago!” And he exclaims, “Ok sis, just lemme go take a piss.”

HAHAHA Inbreeding. I just killed your boner.

So the dude ventures off into the woods to take a leak. He hears some noises but thinks nothing of it. Then we get a POV shot of the killer stalking the guy, the killer (complete in truck driver mask) holds up a set of freshly scalped antlers. The guy taking a piss pulls back on a Budweiser and just as he finishes…is stabbed to death with the set of antlers. The killer than take his head and jams the antlers in his face so now it looks like HE has antlers.

The woman is back at the truck calling out to him and looking at her watch. She finally gets off the truck and heads towards the woods but gets scared and turns around…to see her dead brother strapped to the hood of the truck, skinned like a deer. She screams and turns to run…only to be captured in a Southern Rebel Flag. The killer ties the flag to the back of the truck and drives away…her body being torn to pieces on the gravel road.

The next day…

The town is gathering for the annual prize pig contest. It’s a day of fun with carnival games, horse shows, and big fucking pigs. There’s an old rivalry between last years winner, Cletus, and another farmer named Earl. Cletus’ pigs are always the best and Earl is jealous of that.

Cletus and the sheriff are talking when someone rushes up to them proclaiming they found Cletus’ kin out in the woods dead! So they go to investigate and Cletus confirms it.

Cut to a guy out fishing. He’s drinkin beer in a lawn chair (those really really shitty ones from Wal-Mart) and fishing. He gets sick of not catching anything and fires his shotgun in the water. A few fish float to the top and he cackles like an old fool. Then he turns around and is hit in the face by the killer with a frying pan. Just then…he catches a fish. So the killer grabs the pole and reels it in…it’s a WHOPPER!

Just as the man is shaking off the hit from the frying pan, he spits out his ONLY tooth. “You son of a bitch, you broke ol’ chomper!” Then he sees that the killer has reeled in the fish, the biggest fish he’d ever saw. “That’s mine you corn swallow! I’ll have your hide if’n you don’t gimme dat fish!” So the killer turns and beats the old man to death with the giant fish. The police later find him with the fish stuck up his ass.

Cut back to Cletus walking back into his home. His wife hugs him, the sheriff had called ahead to warn her about their dead children. They cry a little and then they both grab a beer and go into the living room. He turns on some wrestling and they talk about the murder of their children. “God damn Earl, I know its him. I know it. Only him sick nuff to do something like 'at. Trying to throw me off for the pig show. I’ll show him sho nuff.” Takes a swig of beer. “sho nuff.”

Cut to a couple hillbillys in full body underwear outside brewing moonshine. They are laughing and see a squirrel in the distance, one of them says, “There’s dinner.” And they grab their shotguns to go kill it. While they’re gone the killer comes in and adds a special ingredient to the moonshine and then disappears. When they get back they check the moonshine and figure its ready to get drank. They fight over who’s gonna drink it first but the taller one takes it and takes a big swig…with the customary tightening of the face. Then the other one then takes a big ole swig. A second goes by as they’re laughing until…their faces go serious. Something’s wrong.

Now I struggled with this part. I wasn’t sure what should happen next so I will leave that up to you. 1: Their skin turns to ooze and they melt ala Street Trash. 2: They explode 3: They turn into cows.

OH WAIT, we’re going with the third one. That’s what happens, they turn into cows. Why? Just wait, just fucking wait. It’s gonna be awesome.

So cut back to Earl’s farm. Cletus storms up in his beat up Chevy truck and challenges Earl. Earl, of course is clueless, and they fight. “I know you killed em! I knowed! You killed my kin! I’ll kill you!” They rumble and tumble until the sheriff shows up (out of nowhere) to restrain them. Cletus leaves.

Cut to a farm. Bunch of cows. A young handsome lookin fella in overalls comes out and spots a couple new cows…these ones dressed in torn up overalls. He cocks an eye at them, “Where’n sam hell you come from?” He ushers them into the barn and shuts the door. But before he closes the door he looks around to make sure no one’s looking. After he puts them in the stalls, he gently rubs his hand over one of the cow’s hind end. “Well well, aren’t you lookin purty tonight. All dressed up for the ball.” He then pulls up a stool behind the cow and gets on top of it. “Well now, don’t you worry, I’ll take care of ya old girl. I’ll take care of you real good.” And then his pants fall betwixt his ankles and horrible noises can be heard throughout the barn.


Later that night, at the town fair. People are piling into town square, chickens are loose on the street, some old dudes dressed like ZZ Top (maybe we can get a cameo?) are strumming on banjos, pigs are being unloaded, and some kids are trying out a tin of chewing tobacco for the first time. They puke and laugh about it.

Cletus is unloading his prize pig when Earl pulls up. Cletus gives him a nasty look but Earl shrugs it off and unloads his pig.

Cut to an old man whittling on his porch. His naggy wife is screamin at him to finish “that gah dam wittlin” so they can go down to the fair. He yells back at her to “shut ‘er yap before he goes’n gits his switch.” And he continues to whittle. Suddenly the killer appears…at first we see his boots but the camera pans up to see it’s the killer. The killer then holds up a tin of chew, on the cover is says, “Acid Tobacco, Acie! Tobaccie!” The old man gives him a quizzical look and then the killer spits in his face. The chew splashes all over his face and his face begins to melt. He screams and the wife comes out to see whats going on. The killer takes the “wittlin” knife and stabs her in the face.

Back to the fair, it’s now time for the pig judging. Everybody from the whole town is there (about 15)…minus all the people that are dead. And they look at wide eyed wonder at them pigs. Delicious, beautiful pigs. They announce the third place guy and then its between Cletus and Earl for first place. They announce the winner…it’s CLETUS! AGAIN!! YYEEAAAHHH!!

But celebrations are cut short as a banjo begins to play in the background. The killer emerges from the shadows with a banjo in hand. He plucks a couple notes and stops in front of Cletus. Cletus says, “It was you weren’t it. You the one that killed my kin.” The killer nods.

It is now at this point that this movie will be remembered forever. Not only for the weapon but for the slaughter that followed. The killer plucks a particular set of strings on the banjo…and the entire body of the instrument turns into a giant circular saw.

Behold the glory of Banjo-Saw

Someone tries to get the jump on the killer but he grabs the neck of the banjo-saw like a massive club (VVVVRRRROOOOOMMMM) and slices him in half…and then wounds Cletus. And then the killer continues to slice and dice every fucking member of town. Sometimes the banjo-saw gets stuck in someone’s face and he has to force it out but in the end…everyone is dead and body parts are everywhere.

The killer turns around. Cletus is scared and trying to drag himself to safety. Futile effort. The killer approaches him and drops the banjo-saw. He then kneels down and rips off his mask…the killer…dear god it’s…it’s…

Cletus’ WIFE! He pleads to her, “Why? Why have you done this? Why have you killed these people?” She replies, “Because you beat me Cletus. You beat me one too damn many times. I couldn’t take it any longer. I hate you and your whole fucking family. That’s why I killed the whole town…cuz they’re all a part of your family. (Get it, they're all a bunch of inbred hicks with the same last name!) So how about it wifebeater…how would you like it if your WIFE. BEAT. YOU!”

And then she grabs someone's severed arm or something and beats him to death. She stands up and looks around at the townsfolk. Epic music plays as the screen fades to black.

Cut to a truck driver heading down the highway. He sees a pretty little thing and pulls over to pick her up…it’s the killer. They flirt a little bit and they drive off. On the back of the truck is a symbol for Mr. Gable’s farm fresh pigs. “You buy ‘em, we supply ‘em”

I don’t fucking know. How the hell do you end something like that?

Roll credits.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Amazing Bulk [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

I have just witnessed The Amazing Bulk and its pretty safe to say that I too...have an Amazing Bulk right now.

Wow what an amazing movie...and it was something completely different than what I thought it'd be. If you haven't yet, check out the trailer here and then come back to this review. You'll understand just what the hell it is that I'm talking about.

I was all geared up for a balls out crazy, terrible CGI (on purpose), awful acting, terrible direction, shitfest. And not only did I get all that...but I got so so much more. I figured out in the first 30 seconds just what this movie is ACTUALLY about. You see, the first 30 seconds are rips of various big name production companies. So there's a ripoff Universal logo, Paramount, Fox, etc. Each of them hilarious. And then it dawned on me...perhaps this isn't just a dumb ripoff. Maybe there's some kind of context to it. Maybe...just maybe...this movie is actually a jab in the face of every OTHER comic book movie these days.

With the exception of Roger Corman's unreleased Fantastic Four of course.

You know what I mean, these 200 billion dollar budget CGI-fests that run around claiming to be amazing. (Which most of them actually are) Maybe this movie is just a social commentary on the state of our films these days. The heart of it all is lost on these kinds of films. Realism is dead. (Real meaning something tangible with the ability to see it and touch it.) This movie just show how RIDICULOUS it all really is when you strip it all down. Just one long fake movie.

Then it turns out that's exactly what it is because I had the opportunity to talk to the director/writer/editor, Lewis Schoenbrun.

Helluva nice guy lemme tell ya. I'm not trying to kiss ass or anything but after he told me that this movie was about spoofing comic book movies then this movie made a little more sense. At first I was all gung ho about the fucking great use of MS Paint...but then that picture became a little clearer for me. And I enjoyed every god damn minute of it.

Lewis, if you're reading this, I didn't upload this video. I just found it on YouTube.

Fuck yeah, did you see that big purple dude! HAHAHAHAHA I LOVE IT! That's how you make a movie friends. And I'm pretty sure that was the bald detective from earlier in the movie painted purple. HAHAHA That's so awesome. I'm telling everybody about this movie! THE WORLD MUST KNOW!

With a running time of around an 1:15, it makes for a lot of fanstaticness in one quick shot. You'd think that the whole green screen thing would get old pretty quickly but it doesn't. The background isn't half bad most of the time. It's just epic when they get in cars and stuff and it looks like it was designed using MS Paint. Dammit all if I didn't cry laughing. Then there's glorious stock footage of rockets exploding all over the world, purple paints hulk fists, and the required amount of black guys in a bad movie: 1. OH MY YES!!

The ending. Oh my the ending. Once you've accepted the whole, "this movie is a spoof of big budget movies" thing...the ending makes complete sense. But if you're just watching it for the sake of watching it, then you'd swear that you're high.

If I had to be critical of anything...and I hate to be critical (what kind of reviewer would I be if I wasn't?), I would have shortened the whole blowing up of things with the rockets. It's like a solid 5 minutes of stock footage of rockets launching and flying...then the whole scene with the rockets that seemed to be dancing to the music. That was funny...just too long.

Also, I would definitely definitely add a Wilhelm Scream in there. Personally, I think when that dude is crushed by the boulder in the castle. A Wilhelm Scream right there would have made this movie all that much more memorable. You just can't beat a well placed Wilhelm Scream.

And where's the post credit scene? All comic book movies have something for the nerds to geek out over. Perhaps the bad guy lives...or a foreshadowing of another badass superhero. Perhaps a female spider-man?

All in all, this is worth it folks. Its not available on DVD and I have no idea when it will but I'll be sure to let you know when it is. Currently, this movie is looking for distribution. So if you're in that kind of business and are looking to make some money with this movie get in contact with Lewis Schoenbrun and buy his movie. It's AWESOME. And I'm sure for the rest of you if you need to see this as bad as I did and you contact Mr. Schoenbrun, he'd be more than happy to sell you a copy. Actually, you SHOULD contact him and buy many copies of this movie from him. Just so I can get a sequel.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my post from the other day or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 10 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the first of the ten. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: The Amazing Bulk

Yep, that shirt says Big Nasty Bastard. And that's a thong. XD

Strength: 10 (He's big, he's huge. He will KILL YOU)
Speed: 1 (He's big, he's huge. He's slow as fuck)
Endurance: 10 (I'm certain he can take a beating)
Agility: 3 (He's built like a brick shithouse folks, that's his strength and his weakness. Not very agile)
Offensive: 5 (I say 5 because he's slow to attack so he's open to attack but when he connects, it's brutal)
Defense: 5 (I'd say more but he just ran away most times)
Recovery: 8 (Big purple dude comes back fast)
Bleeding: 3 (I would give him a 1 but he clearly bled during the opening scene of the movie so I say 3)

Overall, The Amazing Bulk rates an average: 5.63

That's kind of a let down. I thought he'd have done better than that. But the bigger they are, the harder they fall. I still have faith in the big purple dude. Ain't nothin can stop the Atomic Smash!


The Last Lovecraft: My New Favorite Movie.

Oh my god, everyone...this is it. Everything that has ever been has all been leading up to this. The Last Lovecraft. A group of guys go out on an adventure against creatures invented by H.P. Lovecraft.

Fuck. Yes. Win.

That is just so amazing. I need to own this movie. Wow.

The synopsis:
Jeff, a down on his luck office worker finds out he is the last living relative of horror novelist H.P. Lovecraft. What he doesn't know is that Lovecraft's monsters are real and will soon threaten the very existence of mankind. Jeff and his best friend Charlie are forced to embark on a perilous adventure and they enlist the help of high school acquaintance, Paul, a self proclaimed Lovecraft specialist. Together the three unlikely heroes must protect an alien relic and prevent the release of an acient evil, known as Cthulhu.
Cthulhu is the bad guy people. There is nothing more epic than that. This hits DVD February 15. (So says Amazon) No clue as to when Netflix will get it. But I think I'm gonna have to buy this movie. I appreciate the use of practical effects...and it looks like this movie is full of it. Plus it's kind of like a new Shaun of the Dead...and I'm ok with that.

Check out the official website for more information.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Mr. Gable's Bad Movie Battle Royale 2011

This is something I promised I'd do heading into 2011 and here it is: Mr. Gable's Bad Movie Battle Royale!

What's going to happen is over the course of the next couple weeks I'm going to watch 10 movies. Each of them hand picked by me. (obviously) Each of them is special in their own way. Once I've watched them I'll do the customary Bad Movie Review but I'll also include some wrestling stats with that. Strength, Agility, Recovery, Special Move, etc.

Once I've laid the ground work, the fun begins. I'm gonna take this way back...back to the Nintendo 64 and a little game called WWF: No Mercy. There I will create wrestlers based off the movies and pit them against each other in a King of the Ring style match up. The 2 best movies of the bunch will be rewarded with a 1st round bye. While the other 8 shittier movies must earn their keep.

Once that's done, I'll hit play and watch the chaos ensue.

Let's meet the contenders:
  1. The Amazing Bulk - I just can't let this movie go. And I received an advanced copy. WIN.
  2. Future-Kill - FINALLY found a copy on VHS. Watching this.
  3. Quest for the Mighty Sword - 1.6 rating on IMDb. I can do this.
  4. TerrorVision - Charles Band classic I have no doubt
  5. Alligator - Alcohol Paul was nice enough to borrow this to me.
  6. Star Crystal - I watched 15 minutes of this drunk 4 years ago and passed out. It's time to try again.
  7. R.O.T.O.R. - Oh Netflix Instant, how I love you.
  8. She - Babes. Good enough for me.
  9. Rumpelstiltskin - What's that? Stars Rom from DS9? Fuck yeah.
  10. Alienator - Looking forward to this Fred Olen Ray classic.
So who's your money on? I'm thinking Quest for the Mighty Sword is going all the way. It's so bad the other contenders will just take the 3 count so they don't have to spend any more time then is necessary being around it.

Whoever wins...We lose.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Spend Valentine's Day with...The Taint.

This one goes out to all the ladies out there. The Taint is waiting for you...

I actually watched this movie a couple weeks ago...and for the sake of a review I will hold all my thoughts about this (FUCKING AWESOME) movie to myself.

But let it be known, there is no shortage of dick in this movie. None of it is very pleasant...all of it is hysterical. Many of them explode.

The Taint is an intellectual experience. It is a violent and misogynistic film about violence, misogyny, and entertainment. It features sadistic violence, gratuitous sexual content, and scenes of spellbinding dramatic interest. It also contains more cock explosions than any other movie ever. It's the ultimate sexually-frustrated-male-nerd-emotional-masturbation-release film done in the style of an 80's horror-comedy.
Ok, go ahead and pick up your jaw off the floor. This movie is for real. This happened. Now for the most important part of this post. This trailer:

The Taint Trailer (NSFW) from Dan Nelson on Vimeo.

HOLY SHIT! That trailer never stops winning. NEVER.

It is available for purchase as we speak. Click the link above (or this one) to go to the official Taint website. You can see gruesomely awesome pictures from the movie as well as BUY this movie. And buy it you should because...the DVD is only $10. How can you beat that? Oh I can download it for $5 (or $10 for an HD copy). What are you waiting for!?

Go there now, buy several copies. You know you want to. I did. Hell, there's even a soundtrack! Support independent film and buy some shit from this movie. It's films like this that give hope that maybe, just maybe, all films aren't all completely censored by some stupid fucking committee. I know what I want to see...and that trailer holds nothing back.

I can honestly say that this film delivers on everything it promises.

And to celebrate this movie AND the upcoming Valentine's Day holiday, I have a little present for all you out there. Guys and Girls. Introducing, live from Mr. Gable's MS Paint Department of Art, The Taint Valentine's Day Card!!



Yes, friends! Download these, print them out. Print some out for your friends. Give them to your date for the evening. Bask in their shock as they are first introduced to The Taint. And wait, as they flip it over and read the back. Now this is the important part...

Hand them a pen and ask them to mark yes or no. If they mark yes, continue the date because this person RULES and it'll be worth it. Because you know, not only are they willing to watch THE TAINT, but they're probably willing to do just about anything. ANYTHING.

But if they answer No. Fuck 'em. Not worth it. Go home and jerk it to internet porn. (While watching The Taint)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Amazing Bulk Poster!

We just can't get enough of that purple bastard around here can we? He's like the annoying cousin that comes over to your family parties and never leaves. But for one reason or another you're ok with that because they're really fun to drink with and your significant other is out of town.


Click on it to see a much larger picture of it. I honestly think this guy could take Dr. Manhattan in a fight. Am I right?

A special thanks to the director, Lewis Schoenbrun. He actually tracked me down and emailed me the poster. And it was just a few hours after I posted the damn thing. How cool is that? I wish I would have seen it earlier but it went into the junk folder in my email for some reason...

...god I really wish I could make some joke about this movie being so awful that emails from anyone related to this film go directly into the junk folder...

...but I won't. We hold a sense of respect and honor for movies around here. (audience: FUCK YEAH MR. GABLE!) This movie is gonna be fucking INSANE. We all know it. You saw the trailer. There is nothing else like it. I can't wait. If my eyes had digestive systems, their stomachs would be rumbling right now. They're hungry for Bulk.