Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Don't miss out on Slaterocalypse! A collaborative celebration of Christian Slater over at Back Online. Back on duty.

If you haven't been over to Back Online. Back on Duty. at all this week, you're missing out. Some of the Earth's greatest bloggers (myself included) have gathered together to celebrate one of the greatest actors of all time: Christian Slater. You can see my contribution here. Check out Back Online. Back on Duty. for the rest of Slaterocalypse and stay tuned the rest of the week for more posts, giveaways, and so much more!

Also, I'd like to apologize to all of you for being absent these past couple months. I'm sorry I haven't posted anything, I'm sorry I haven't commented on anything, I'm just sorry. I could blame it on the summer, I could blame it on my general laziness, but here's just the long and short of why I haven't been around:

I haven't watched a shitty movie in nearly 6 weeks. I finally bought a nice big HD television and I have been Bluraying my eyes out ever since. I'm starting to look at my VHS collection in disgust. It's bad. I need help. I'm really sorry.

I'll be back. Hopefully soon. I'm running out of bluray money so it shouldn't be long.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Big Week HOFF: Anaconda III: Offspring (2008)

More like HOFFSPRING oh hohoho!

What happens when you mix horribly rendered giant CGI snakes, one loudmouth and badass HOFF, and an elite group of expendables?

The greatest line ever delivered.

(You only need to watch the first 30 seconds of this video to see it)

God damn it, this movie is awesome. I've watched it three times in the last 5 months. It's just so much FUN! John Rhys Davies makes an appearance, having worked together on Ring of the Musketeers. David Hasselhoff knows what to say and when to say it...and more importantly he knows how to kick ass AND chew bubblegum.

This is your standard science gone wrong story. They bred giant Anacondas to get some protein to cure some disease. John Rhys Davies pissed them off and they got loose. Now a group of nobodies with nothing to live for are recruited to bring them back or put them down. At first, they go off on their own, completely HOFFLESS, and a bunch are killed. Then the Hoff shows up to help, and the rest are killed. HAHAHAHA Oh well, it's worth it.

You know what's going to happens so you just let this movie deliver to you that piece of steak you enjoy so much. Sure, this has been done before but not with THE HOFF! He makes this movie great. He's shooting off his mouth, kicking some serious ass, bringing his A game. Worth your time.

Anaconda 3 is just a great Sunday afternoon time waster.

Sadly, this is the last Hoff post for the week. I planned to finish with Starcrash, a movie I heard had a Mullet sporting, Lightsabre wielding Hasselhoff. Unfortunately, the copy I bought isn't here yet so I don't have time to watch it and review it. I apologize for this grave injustice but when it does get here I will definitely fit that into my itinerary.

Have a great weekend everybody! Thank you for following my BIG WEEK HOFF!

The Big Week Hoff: Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

What do you get when you mix a low budget made for TV Marvel movie, an ancient Nazi supervirus, and over 300 of the greatest one liner's ever spoken?


This was a pretty damn entertaining movie. I really wasn't expecting a whole hell of a lot but there really wasn't too much of a lull at all. The times when there should have been a lull, The Hoff was there shooting off his mouth to whoever was within earshot so it made it all that much more enjoyable.

This movie is written by David S. Goyer. You probably know him as the co-writer to Batman Begins or the Blade Trilogy. I remember him from his writing stylings of Demonic Toys, Kickboxer 2, and now NICK FURY: AGENT OF SHIELD. This guys credits are like a rollercoaster. For every really great hill there is just a deep valley immediately afterwards. I love it. It's all awesome, don't get me wrong, but holy shit he's great and he's terrible all at the same time. That's my favorite kinda guy: Awesomely Bad.

This movie is no exception. It's crazy, it's hammed up, it's full of fun. Comic Book fun. I won't even try to say I know anything about the comics outside what I've seen in the movies and heard from friends. There was a lot in this movie that I've seen before: Hydra was the evil terrorists that Nick Fury had to kill. SHIELD's secret base was the flying aircraft carrier as seen in The Avengers. Lots of cool little Marvel things here and there.

This movie goes something like this: Ages ago The Hoff put away a criminal mastermind. Now his daughter is taking over. They have a dangerous virus they are going to unleash in Manhattan and it's up to a one eyed Hoff to put her down.

HOLY HOFFPATCH HOFFMAN! The Hoff is a complete badass in this movie. He's got one eye, smokes cigars, and punches nearly everyone in the face. Or at the very least insults them. He's a one man wrecking crew. He was too much for the agency so they let him go but now that things are a little rough they need a man that doesn't do things the normal way. That man is The Hoff. THE EARTH'S MIGHTIEST HERO!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Big Week Hoff: Ring of the Musketeers (1992)

What happens when you update the Three Musketeers for the 90's, mix in half a dozen subplots that loosely fit together, and plug in a gigantic B movie cast in a made for TV movie?


In this rollicking update of the Dumas classic, the descendants of the original Musketeers may have exchanged horses for motorcycles, but they still fight injustice wherever they find it.

Ring of the Musketeers is currently playing on Netflix Instant (and YouTube). I figure me and about three other dudes have seen it. If you haven't...boy you are missing out on some epic Hoffness. He sings, he dances, he whips out swords for no reason at all. In fact, he really brings out his inner Adam West.

Why? Because this movie presents itself exactly like the 60's Batman. They're sitting down to dinner, then suddenly the Musketeer emblem will flash and beep. ACTION! Then they meet up with John Rhys-Davies to learn their next assignment. ACTION! Then they come up with a plan, tell 3 terribly hilarious jokes (only funny because they're all delivered by Cheech Marin), then they kick some bad guy ass.

Oh, and they all ride motorcycles. Because horses are for pussies.

The basic plot is there is this bad dude doing bad things. First, he kidnaps a boy and the Musketeers must save him. Then he does some shady police stuff and the Musketeers must stop that. Althewhile battling their innerselves NOT to be vigilantes and just cut the head off the snake. (Which they eventually do, catching up to the bad guy and putting a stop to his bad deeds.)

There's 3 Musketeers right? And they wear rings. Because having the secret club ring automatically makes you a crime fighting ass kicker. Well, ole Cheech Marin robs an old lady blind and happens across the sacred 4th ring. While attempting to elude the police, he decides to become the 4th Musketeer. He's pretty terrible at it but with the help of his mentor, The Hoff, he changes his ways and becomes an pretty productive member of the group.

Yeah...that all happens. This movie is crazy. Somebody actually felt the need to update the 3 Musketeers to the 90's...then make it a made for TV movie...then cast the chick from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Cheech, some German guy, the other guy from Indiana Jones, AND THE HOFF!

Whoever did that, *tips hat*, thank you. It was spectacular.

This movie is bad. It's entertaining but it's bad. It's easily the most made for TV looking made for TV movie ever. But THE HOFF PLAYS 5 KEYBOARDS WHILST SPORTING SIMPLY EXTRAVAGANT FACIAL HOFF.


This is the best I could find for a trailer:

Monday, June 11, 2012

The Big Week Hoff: Piranha 3DD (2012)

What happens when you let Pirahna invade a water park, jam in more tits than a cattle barn, and let pussy invading piranha chomp of sex cocks?

The Hoff playing mini-casio and doing two chicks at the same time.

God Bless America.

I have no idea why this movie was suddenly scrapped from a Theatrical release. I was actually looking forward to going out to see this thing in 3DD. It looked like they amped up everything and it looked like a good time...come on, THE HOFF...but they pulled it for some reason and it was straight to VOD for me.

I don't know if I'd say this movie is amped up from the first one but I think it's fair to say that the gore to tit ratio is about on par. This movie to me delivered everything I wanted to see so much better than the first one. I really didn't care for the first one. Sure it was kinda fun but it was more annoying than anything. This movie just says "fuck it" and runs with it. And that's exactly what this series needed. It's not serious, it's exploitative, just do it!

I was a little worried going into this thing because of the director, John Galuger. The first movie I ever saw of his was Feast. LOVED that movie. I thought it was fun, scary, gory, crazy, and just an all around good time. In a Tremors kind of way. Then he made Feast 2 & 3...which were good in their own way but the guy literally took a pad and paper, wrote down cool ideas, and constructed a story within the Feast universe out of that. It's one of the few times I'll admit that it was total garbage. It was too far all over the place that it didn't make sense and really wasn't all that enjoyable.

Not the case with Piranha 3DD. His focus is more tuned into the task at hand. Forget the robots and the midgets, this movie just has tits everywhere, the water park, and a fuckton of Piranha looking to eat people in hilarious ways.

And did I mention that Ving Rhames has a SHOTGUN LEG!


LOOK! He's on Hoffwatch! HAHAHAHA

In this movie, The Hoff plays himself. (and even when he's playing a character, he's still acting like himself.) The water park gets David Hasselhoff to guest appear at the grand opening of the water park. Nobody really knows who he is but that's ok, he's there kicking ass as always. He befriends a little ginger kid who he consistently rips on. "Little Ginger Moron." HAHA

This movie explores all angles of the Hoff. His love side with the above clip. His Baywatch side with...everything else. He rips his shirt off and runs in slow mo, the only way to run.

It sadly takes half the movie to get to The Hoff, but when it does it's just great.

Friday, June 8, 2012

I'm taking next week Hoff.

David Hasselhoff. A man among guys. He is what we all wish we were. That guy. Everyone knows him but mostly from his internet memes and alcohol enduced headlines. Not me. I remember him as Spongebob's surfboard but mostly from his movies...those movies that barely exist. And next week I plan to celebrate them with 5 full days of the Hoff, THE BIG WEEK HOFF!

There is no doubt that The Hoff has made some sort of impact on our lives. Allow me to show you just how great he is. Until then...

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Quick thoughts on The Aggression Scale

So I watched The Aggression Scale last night and wanted to say a couple things. If you don't know what that movie is...its basically Home Alone if it were rated R. So kid sets traps and kills bad guys god intended.

I recommend it. It took half the movie to get going anywhere...but so did Home Alone so it's about on par as far as pacing goes. But come on...rated R!

Even with all that greatness...I wanted more. Don't get me wrong...what was presented was pretty satisfying and made sense within the universe this movie exists.

When I say I wanted more, I guess I just expected a few things. Like a booby trap montage. I was hoping to get teased with some trap building and then just witness the aftermath. But that didn't happen. What happened was pretty much just a kid going on the offensive against a group of assholes.

I was waiting for a more exploitative angle to this movie too. Right away when I saw the sister I was thinking, "she's getting raped in about 10 minutes." And they even set it up...she's cute, thin, doesn't know how to wear pants, and when the killers show up...she's in the shower. Naked and wet. Now, I don't need a rape scene, and they are overused and often times unnecessary but this movie could have benefited from a powerful revenge angle. Something for the audience to really hate these guys and enjoy they're eventual deaths all that much more.

It could've been so much more brutal too. I think only two guy's deaths were actually creative and insane...a number far too low for something like this. But those two deaths were almost worth it. Actually...they were.

I liked the cast. I liked the story. I liked how the kid just went into full on Rambo mode once the baddies showed up. In the end, I'd say this movie is a success by the pacing this movie put forth but it still left me wanting more.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I just found the greatest worst movie you'll be watching this Christmas: Elf Man

Why the greatest? Jeffrey Combs is in it. (That guy can make a turd shine baby!) And why the worst? Well, this trailer pretty much speaks for itself.

Start stocking up on Eggnog now. You're gonna need it.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Alcohol Paul re-reviews (the last 20 minutes) of Eye of the Tiger (1986)

In an effort to make sure you all witness this movie, we're gonna keep Eye of the Tiger rolling with another review for Eye of the Tiger! Well the last 20 minutes anyway. And I only see this fitting going into Memorial Weekend. Gary Busey, Eye of the Tiger, one man defends his family and country from evil. That's what America is all about! So put your hands together again for Alcohol Paul's more sobering take on the last 20 minutes of Eye of the Tiger.

It all starts

You may recall that I did a review of the last 20 minutes of “Eye of the Tiger” which was just a recap with extra cursing. It’s hard to do a critical review because it really speaks for itself. I’ve recovered enough from the awesome force of this flick to have a few actual thoughts on it.

1. Gary Busey fights a motorcycle gang in this movie. For a group who spend most of their time hanging out in the desert processing cocaine, they’re a surprisingly safety minded bunch. Everyone in this group of rebel outlaws wears a helmet when they ride!

At the time Busey was making “Eye of the Tiger” he was an opponent of motorcycle helmet laws.

I think it’s no coincidence that the villains wore helmets. I also find it amusing that it took bashing his brains out to make him think twice on the matter.

2. “Eye of the Tiger” has a similar feel to “Death Wish 3.” Both movies feature an extended, stunt filled climax set to rockin’ tunes. Not to mention that both of them are about a man taking down an entire gang with only marginal help from a few friends. The tone is so close that I swore Don Jakoby (writer of DW3) had a credit on EOTT.

Turns out I was drunk when I watched it (big surprise) and had gotten the credits for another flick I had watched that weekend (“The Philadelphia Experiment”) mixed up with EOTT. Still, he may as well get a writer’s credit.

3. This movie is a surprising example both for and against the French auteur theory of film. Those cheese eating wine hogs suggest that a director is the author of each movie and that a director’s personal stamp is on each film they make. Since there are plenty of directors who have no sense of style and just seem to skip from theme to theme taking whatever work they can get, the theory has come to be understood as something that only applies to “good” directors.

Richard Sarafian made “Vanishing Point” in the early 70s, and it too was basically an action movie with cool rock music on the soundtrack. It suffers some of the same pacing issues (both movies are episodic and the episodes are hit ‘n’ miss). The intriguing difference is that “Vanishing Point” had something to say about how myths and heroes are born, and about how crooked authority is in America.

While “Eye of the Tiger” has a crooked cop in it, there’s no way you can mistake it for having a point besides seein’ stuff get blowed up real good. Not to say that it’s better or worse than “Vanishing Point,” just that they’re radically different in intent.

Here’s where the auteur theory gets mind fucked. Both movies bear a distinctive authorial stamp on them, but only so much as how the action is shot and scored. It shows that perhaps the “author” behind a good movie can perhaps be completely oblivious to the more high minded elements and themes. Auteurs can be just as likely to churn out a cheese fest (which the French should like. They’re worse than Wisconsinites when it comes to cheese).

Worse still… It means Michael Bay might one day (accidentally) make something as good and high minded as “Vanishing Point.”

4. This movie shares a psychic link with me. At one point I screamed “I fucking love it” as Yaphet Kotto was on screen dropping grenades from a crop duster. Moments later Yaphet Kotto had this exact line.

5. I really miss stunts. Real stunts where someone actually had to get in a car and drive it. Or jump off a building. Or whatever.

As movies have gone to using computer animation to show us nigh impossible feats, I can understand why the low budgeters have moved away from stunts. Stunts are pricy, dangerous, and hard to shoot. Computer animation these days is cheap.

What I don’t understand why big budget features don’t do more stunts. Real stunts. Not some guy on wires in front of a green screen (which technically can be considered a stunt). Have audience tastes really moved so far from mine that an action movie can’t be made without giant robots wrecking skyscrapers? Give me a shootout and car chase with some real ‘splosions any day.

6. This movie is fuckin’ win.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Rise of the Animals (2012)

If I were to make a movie…it’d probably look a lot like Rise of the Animals. When I envision making a movie, I know I won’t have any money. I know I won’t have any talent. I know that the effects/lighting/sound/camera quality will be utter shit…but since I know that ahead of time I can use those things to my advantage. Play on the bad to make it good.

That is Rise of the Animals.

Take this scene for example. A cat is hissing violently at a clearly shaken up woman holding a frying pan. The cat ATTACKS! Aaaannnndddd somebody off camera just throws a stuffed cat at her, she bats it away, stuffs it down a garbage disposal and turns it on…then a ridiculous amount of blood explodes out of the sink.

That happens like 20 times in this movie. Whether it be stuffed animal/horrible hand puppet/or just some terribly rendered CG animal, the badness just never stops coming.

The story basically goes like this: Animals have lost their shit. Somewhere else a Pizza Boy and his trusty friend are on their way to see Babies with Rabies 3D. (OH GOD YES!) They come across a cabin filled with drunk hot chicks so they decide to stay and party with them instead. The next morning the animals start attacking them and then a whole heaping pile of hilarious awesomeness happens.

As I was watching this movie, somewhere around the midpoint I noticed a Dawn of the Dead poster in the background. That got me to comparing the basic plot of this movie to that one. Well, more Night then Dawn. Like, the animals are the zombies and they attack people holed up in a cabin. They get out and must defend themselves against the unending horde of murderous animals. Why are they crazed? No idea. Is the world ending? No idea. All that matters is survival…and if that means blowing up squirrels and rabbits then so be it.

I liked that. It’s like this movie was made for me. Rise of the Animals knows what I want to see and it just keeps delivering. And that’s what makes this movie so great. It has everything…the Jaws Shot (Where the camera zooms in on an object while the background is fading away), there’s crazy unneccary shaky cam, high body count, Wilhelm Scream (any movie that uses a Wilhelm instantly wins me over), and just so much more.

The direction is very impressive. Whoever is behind the camera has obviously seen a lot of movies. They don’t hold it on any one shot for longer than needed (unless there’s some intent at being funny). When the action picks up, so does the camera. They took every fun little trick that Fred Dekker ever used in Night of the Creeps and just applied it all here. I loved every god damn minute of it.

Now, when I made the comment about not having “talent” for a movie like this…I’m going to take that back. This movie has a remarkable amount of talent. You’d think that at least most of these actors would have poor line delivery…but they all did quite splendidly. That has to be a result of a laid back and easy going production. I can just see that they are all good friends in real life so they know each other well enough to just be themselves…and that really translated well to film.

I can’t recommend this enough. You’ll want to have a taste for bad cinema if you’re going to enjoy this. DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY...and you'll be fine. Take this for example: Some douche on IMDb started a post about how terrible this movie is....and I gotta ask, "After seeing the poster and the trailer....what were your expectations?" Here is a member of the crew's response:

It just makes me love this movie even more. Because that is totally how I would have done all that too. (And the douche that posted the thread immediately retracted his statement after this HAHAHA)

If you need the big CGI, big explosions, big name stars, then you’ll probably hate this. But if you can sit back and enjoy hand puppet deer dragging slutty teenagers to their doom…then you need look no further than Rise of the Animals.

Rise of the Animals is currently on DVD and you can buy it on Amazon or from Brain Damage Films.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

GOOD MOVIE REVIEW: The Reef (2010)

Twas the day before last and I was relaxing in the Gable cave. I was in dire need of a movie that would A. Be something I could fall asleep to, B. Be something I could shut off at anytime since I may have had too, and C. Be generally terrible because that's how I roll.

Ah, The Reef. The majority of shark films not titled JAWS are pretty bad so...what the hell.

Before I get into what makes this movie work, lets get the basic story out of the way.

You ever seen Open Water? Me neither. But I know it's about a couple that gets stranded in the ocean and has to deal with sharks. That's what happens here. Except this time there are 4 friends that are out to sea when their boat capsizes and they decide to swim for it. Then a great white shows up and starts picking them off one by one.

This movie was really good. Intense, well acted, scary. Reviews all over the internet proclaim that this movie is what people wanted Open Water to be. And I have to agree.

The first thing this movie has going for it is the characters. They're moderately interesting...but more importantly they're NOT ANNOYING. They're fun, likeable, and they start to grow on you. The one dude keeps a level head through it all and his decisions are always rational and well explained. It's like he knows what to do...even though he really has no idea.

But what really really makes this movie work for me is the direction. The way the director keeps showing underwater shots of the actors...and they're delicious legs...dangling in the water. Uuugghhhh...just reminds me of that horrible feeling of being in a lake or the ocean and just waiting for something to brush up against you. So one minute they're swimming along, all is well, then they see something. Or hear something. There's a brief pause, the guy puts his goggles on and scopes out the scene underwater...nothing there. Ladeeda, keep moving. Then something again...scope it out some more...then...I think I see something...underwater shot of them just hanging out in the water with absolutely NOTHING to defend themselves with...then...then...


Oh god, I can't even imagine the terror a person feels in that kind of situation. You're completely at its mercy. If it wants you, it has you. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it. You can stick together (which I was happy to see that they did) and that's really about it. You don't have any weapons, you don't have anywhere to's just you hanging out in the water with a great white waiting for the right moment to strike. And strike it does.

The effects in this movie are amazing. Sure, some of it could be stock footage, but when the shark actually strikes and kills the swimmers...fucking awesome. Your jaw will hit the floor. It's never a gruesome thing, it's always just the shark cruising along, then it hits warp 9 and strikes, then drags that person away. Then there's the fear that comes along with that. Your just so helpless.

So pretty much all the things that you don't want to happen to you while your swimming in the water...happen in this movie.

I highly recommend it. It takes about half the movie to get going but that's what I expected. I can't fathom a way to make a 90 minute movie of people swimming in the water all that interesting...but 45 minutes...oh yeah. So just give it some time and you'll be pleasantly surprised. The first half is still pretty good character development but for the most part it really doesn't matter.

I say watch it. It was in my Instant Queue forever but I just figured it was another stupid generic shark movie. And after seeing it, I was so so wrong. Finally, a movie that makes me afraid of the water again.

Friday, May 18, 2012

GUEST REVIEW: Eye of the Tiger (Full Movie) from Legend of Steen

Ladies and Gentlemen, your new favorite movie:

Now I would like all of you to welcome another dear friend of mine: Legend of Steen. After catching wind of Alcohol Paul's love for the last 20 minutes of this movie he took it upon himself to watch AND REVIEW this masterpiece. (I did as well) So please, put your hands together for the Legend of Steen!

The bad memory, shitty Review

The Legend of Steen

I sat down to watch this movie on a Facebook recommendation of Alcohol Paul, (who did a wonderful job reviewing the last 20 mins of the film,  you should go read it.)

The film opens to Gary Busey as Buck Something, a Vietnam vet who is getting out of prison after serving time for murder charges.  It opens to Busey as he and Tony Montoya are gathering their personal things just before being let go.  Tony Montoya, tells Buck Andrews that, he owes Buck his life for saving him in prison and should he need anything to call him.

Buck Rogers heads home to the local PD office as the Redneck, Racist, Sheriff is his parole officer.  The Sheriff along with his black Deputy, Danny Glover (who is about to retire, and is getting to old for this shit)   The Sheriff, Wilfred Brimley, tells our hero he should leave town, and if he doesn't the Sheriff Diabeetus will make sure it happens.  Black Deputy, Winston (from Ghostbusters)  is sad.

Duck Dodgers (of the 21st and a half century)  returns home to his wife and child.  Hugs, kisses and smoochy smoo.

The next day Muck returns to his job working construction.  (at this point in time I got up and missed some things)  Now it's night and Buck Buick is heading home, when he comes across a dirt bike gang led by Jeri Curl (who looks like Animal from Revenge of the nerds) and who appears to be John Cranston (Breaking Bad) trying to rape a local nurse. Buck comes to her rescue by revving his engine and tipping over a dirt bike, thus saving the princess.

A stupid woman from the news reveals Buck Hero's home address, and the evil dirt bike gang attacks the hero, killing his wife and sends his daughter into a coma. During this time we find out that the Sheriff is a BBEG (Big Bad Evil Guy)  and is getting paid off by the super evil friends at their home base of bordertown (which we all know blaster master runs Bordertown)

Anyways this sets off a chain of events that has our hero Uncle Buck calling Tony Montoya, to get some help.  The Miami drug lord sends Buck, KIT (from knightrider) in truck form. Well Buck and retired deputy Al Sharpton use it to capture Jeri Curl (I think, I walked out again).   

While in the hospital an interesting way of explosives is used to find out the location (Bordertown) on Jeri Curl.  Having found out where his daughter is, Buck Reynolds, and partner Denzel Washington (Who apparently can fly a plain) rain down down fury upon the evil nasty dirt bike gang. 

This culminates to the the finish where the shittiest martial arts battle happens between Buck Marchini and Breaking Bad.

Recommendation: 4 out of 5 Ron Marchinis

Watch this flick for all the awesome 80s movies mashed into a P.O.S.

Gable here. All of this happens. All of this and so much more. It's really quite difficult to describe the vast epicness of this movie. It's so grand and crazy that you really have to experience. You're pretty much stepping into the mind of Gary Busey. They should've just called this Being Gary Busey: to the tune of Eye of the Tiger. It's THAT awesome.

Available on Netflix Instant and YouTube. GO NOW!

There are giant DRAGON WASPS coming!

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Wasps just aren't big enough...and don't shoot enough fire out of their ass."

I too.

Ah yeah, Corin Nemic. That guys in all the best shit. Sand Sharks. House of Bones. Mansquito. This is gonna be awesome.


When her father mysteriously disappears on an expedition, beautiful entomologist Gina Humphries and her fiery assistant, Rhonda, set out to search the rain forests of Belize. Due to numerous robberies and assaults in the jungle, they are escorted by heavily-armed soldiers. Guerillas, lead by the infamous Jaguar, ambush the convoy and incite a bloody shootout. Just when things can’t get worse, a horde of murderous Dragon Wasps, massive flying bugs that shoot flame from their abdomens, swarms the soldiers. Now the military must defeat Jaguar’s bandits and survive the fearsome insect onslaught as they venture inside the Dragon Wasps’ hive.

This movie needs to hurry up and be in my life. No idea when this will be released....looks like a SyFy original so I'm sure they'll pick it up to air sometime later this year.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Bad Movie Battle Royale CONTEST Winners!

Thank you everyone who picked their favorites to win it! Unfortunately nobody picked EITHER winner so that just means EVERYONE gets their name thrown into the Big Blue Bowl of Destiny! Here we go!

Congratulations to the winners! I'll be contacting you shortly. (Or by all means leave me a message here or send me an email with your mailing address) mrgablesreality (AT) hotmail (DOT) com

There are A LOT of super hero ripoffs coming from Tom Cat Films.

I stumbled across these guys yesterday. I'd heard of them before when The Amazing Bulk was seeking distribution. Tom Cat picked it up. So when I did a follow up check on their website not only did I find that Killer Gnome movie I posted earlier but also all of these:

Iron Soldier is available on DVD already.

Thor just hit Netflix Instant a couple days soon. It's like Thor and Iron Man had a kid!

I know we've already talked about this one but it's totally worth another look.

No trailer for this one :(

I like that even in the world of B Movie Superhero ripoffs that they managed to combine them into a single movie. We got the Beetle chick and the Black Bat in Avenging Force. That's just awesome. Now they need to get The Amazing Bulk and Thor in there for Avenging Force 2: Avenge Harder.

You can find plot synopsis' and other amazingness over at the company website. I was on their Twitter yesterday and I'm pretty sure I read some more titles that are coming soon!

There's one of those creepy garden gnomes running around killing people awesomely in KILLER GNOME!

So I was tooling around the internet yesterday and I somehow managed across this amazing treasure. We all knew that someone would make a movie like this one day. But...but...who knew it would be this wonderful?

Life is going along pretty well for Brad and Penny until Brad brings home a smiling gardengnome. According to legend, the gnome will protect their garden, but this gnome is different. An innocent gift turns into a murderous nightmare as the pint-sized killer takes protecting the garden to a terrifying, relentless extreme.
From Chaos! Comics founder Brian Pulido (creator of Lady Death and Evil Ernie) comes a mischievous, suspenseful shocker.
Holy shit! This is a comic too!?

No news on when this will be out on DVD. I'll be sure to let you know the second this becomes available.

(Please bad movie gods...please let this turn into Killer Gnome vs Leprechaun. Please Please Please!!)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

FDR: American Baddass coming to DVD soon!!

If you've been following this blog at all these past few months then you've heard all about the greatness that is Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury. So when it came across my desk that the makers of that movie made another...well I had to hit the can lest I shit myself.

Get ready for FDR vs Nazi Werewolves!

I'm holding out for Robo-FDR. That would probably give me a nerd-attack.

According to Bloody-Disgusting, FDR: American Badass hits DVD on September 25. I've talked to the writer, Ross Patterson, on Twitter and he mentioned that FDR is making some runs in theatres around the country so keep an eye out at your local independent theatre so you don't miss one of the greatest movies of the year.

Be sure to follow FDR: American Badass on facebook to keep up to date on all the happenings.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Didn't David Carradine DIE? New trailer: NIGHT OF THE TEMPLAR (with Udo Kier!)

I know I posted a lot today and I was just going to let this one slide until I watched the trailer and there was a wilhelm scream about 16 seconds in. Now I need to see THIS MOVIE too.



Check out the official website for more information.

Fuck yeah there's....SOME GUY THAT KILLS PEOPLE!


You can check out the official website for more information.


This movie had me at it's tagline.

Animals across the world have risen up and turned on humanity. A determined pizza delivery driver sets out on a perilous cross-country road trip to reunite with the woman he almost lost his virginity to. Accompanied by his friends, they make their way battling hordes of blood-thirsty animals! 
This needs to be in my life. This just hit DVD so you can buy it right now from or on Amazon!

You can follow Rise of the Animals on facebook here.

Whoa. This trailer contains a giant spider prostitute. (DEAD SHADOWS)

At first I was like...welp, here's another stupid zombie movie.

Wait one damn minute...TENTACLES? MUTATION?

Watch this trailer:

Holy shit, Giant Spider Prostitutes.

You suppose they still take dollar bills?

Check out the official website for more details. I don't know about you guys but I'm already sold.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Alcohol Paul reviews (the last 20 minutes of) Eye of the Tiger (1986)

Let me set this up for you. It's Saturday, I'm out of town and pretty blitzed. I check my phone around 2 am and I see that I got a call from Alcohol Paul at about 11:30. His message was frantic and exciting: (paraphrasing) DUDE! YOU HAVE TO WATCH THE LAST 20 MINUTES OF EYE OF THE TIGER ON INSTANT. NOTHING MATTERS UP UNTIL THAT POINT, YOU CAN THANK ME LATER. I get pretty pumped so I make a mental note...because when Alcohol Paul goes out of his way to recommend something...that MEANS it's pure gold. I get home that next day and I'm hanging out with friends and discover that, they too, received Eye of the Tiger phone calls...and even facebook was full of status' devoted to the greatest 20 minutes of all time. I batted an eye at all of them because I didn't want to spoil anything. (whatever the hell this has to be epic) He wrote a review for me and I'm not even going to read it....because I haven't yet witnessed this amazingness. So the next few paragraphs could be complete nonsense about how awesome RC Cola is over all other colas. I just don't know.

That being said: Alcohol Paul reviews (the last 20 minutes of) Eye of the Tiger.

The Greatest 20 Minutes of My Sad, Pathetic Life

It begins with Gary Busey sneaking into a dastardly biker’s hospital room. It ends with pithy dialogue set to the theme song of “Rocky III.” In between I achieved sexual climax 7 times. It’s the last 20 minutes of “Eye of the Tiger.”

Gary Busey is Buck. He’s a man on a mission of vengeance. If that means putting dynamite in a man’s ass, so be it.

I won’t bother with critical assessment. This will simply retell.

Busey needs info, so he interrogates a biker in the hospital.

Dynamite in ass.

Busey gets the info.

The song “Eye of the Tiger” starts playing Busey leaves the hospital.

Yaphet Fucking Kotto is waiting for Busey in Busey’s totally sweet truck.

Busey: “I knew you’d be around here somewhere.”


Kotto: “You got a plan?”

More guitars.

Fuck continuity. It’s daylight and Busey’s truck is rolling into the biker’s camp. He’s alone.

Oh shit! Busey’s truck has rocket launchers!

There’s Yaphet! He’s flying and rockin’ mid-80s James Brown! FUCK YES!

Busey exits his truck to save his daughter.

Roll away from gunfire.

Reunite with daughter.

Bald biker dude is pissed.

Back in the truck.

More explosions.

Yaphet’s hit! He’s goin’ down! But not before he raises the roof!

If you’ve ever wanted to see pickup truck hitting a sweet ass jump while a plane is crash landing…

Everyone escapes.

Police blockade.

Crooked sheriff wants Busey arrested. No one will do it.

Busey grabs the sheriff.

Busey: “It’s time to deliver the garbage.”


Busey returns to the biker camp.

Bald Biker Dude: “He’s mine.”

Busey and the Bald Biker Dude in a fist fight for Honor and Vengeance.

Is Busey losing?!?

Yaphet Kotto arrives with backup!

Busey second wind!

He fucks up the Bald Biker Dude.

“Eye of the Tiger” plays again.

Roll credits.

Clean your pants.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

2 Headed Shark Attack Shirt will Rule You!

Guts and Grog Reviews held a contest a ways back for a t-shirt based off the latest greatest Asylum-rippingest crazy movie: TWO HEADED SHARK ATTACK.

It's like a real life portrayal of what one of those deformities would look like. Unfortunately, I didn't win...BUT they are still available for purchase if you'd like one. They were created by Critters & Gods, an art blog dedicated to the works of HP Lovecraft, among other things. Currently, they have these shirts going for $15 inc. shipping, you can get them here. Get them now before they're gone forever!

Monday, May 7, 2012

The Bad Movie Battle Royale Round Up

I hope everyone enjoyed the past 2 weeks worth of bone crushingly awesome Royale action! It was pretty intense and often times nailbiting but in the end Girlfriend From Hell came out on top.

Who knew this little gem could sneak her way to claiming herself the baddest of the bad. 16 contenders...and not a one of us thought she could do it. I know I didn't!

Anyway, later this week I plan to sit down and pull entries for the Contest. Since nobody voted for her, (or Rubber) then EVERYONE will get a shot at winning any 1 of the 3 prizes. Look for that coming soon.

I just want to thank everyone for following along and commenting. It was a fun little event and I look forward to it next year.

Now, I want to ask the question...


Yor vs Hercules? Santa Claus Conquers the Martians vs Spaced Invaders? Let me know and I'll try to find some time in the coming weeks to put it together for you.

And finally, since that sneaky Girlfriend From Hell cheated her way to the top, I took it upon myself to get a little revenge. Enjoy!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Bad Movie Battle Royale CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH!

It's all come down to this. One to rule them all. I've spent months watching and reviewing movies. I've spent several hours creating characters based off those movies. I've been teasing and teasing this thing all year. I've been hogging up my blog for 2 weeks presenting this thing to you but now...we're here. The Bad Movie Battle Royale CHAMPIONSHIP! Our fighters have gone through hell and high water to be here. Who knew that THESE TWO would make it this far. Certainly not I! But these 2 contenders exceeded all expectations and proved themselves worthy. They are bad, they are brutal, and now they're here to see just WHO is the baddest of them all.

Keep it here tomorrow for a quick recap and a few bonus things for you. I'll be doing the drawing for the contest soon, probably sometime next week.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Bad Movie Battle Royale: ROYAL RUMBLE!!!

Welcome back everyone! Sorry this didn't happen yesterday, I had a hard weekend and was pretty much dead all day yesterday but TODAY I'm up, at it, and slamming coffee like a motherfuckin flopdrop. (What the hell is that?)

So, I was uploading these videos and somehow my account just magically made it so I could upload videos longer than 15 minutes, which is YouTube's maximum. That's good news for us because the RUMBLE goes significantly longer than that. So settle in, grab a beer, or just fast forward to the end, this is the Bad Movie Battle Royale ROYAL RUMBLE!

(The winner of the Rumble will face Girlfriend From Hell in an exhibition style match to see just WHO is the baddest of the bad.)

Friday, April 27, 2012

The Bad Movie Battle Royale "King of the Ring" Championship!

It's been a long week everyone. We're all tired. The BMBR has probably overstayed it's welcome (and it's extending into the middle of next week) but we're closing in on the part that really matters. The Championships. Today we see Robowar vs Girlfriend From Hell. Robowar is the obvious choice for winner. He really hasn't even pulled out the big guns yet, and he's a god damn robot! But Girlfriend From Hell has been quite impressive so far. Who ever saw her getting this far? And the thought of a woman contender winning the Royale is pretty awesome. We are all about equal opportunity badness around here. The ladies can be just as terrible as the men. That being said, let's finish what we started. This is...

Highlight the following paragraph to see my comments.

Wow. Girlfriend From Hell did it. She fucking did it. How? Who knows. She is pretty bad and I can honestly say that she deserves the title of supremely bad by comparison to the rest of the roster. She's fun, she's crazy, she's tried to run down a pack of nuns. That's pretty bad folks. You all should try to find a copy of her and give her a watch, a decision you will not regret. There's plenty to love about her and plenty to despise. (like winning this). It was sad to see so many greats get kicked out early and it was even harder to see favorites get bumped off when they were so close to glory. But this is only one championship of 3. Next week join me as these contenders duke it out in the Iron Circle in a Royal Rumble style match up. Everyone will enter the ring and beat the shit out of each other. The last one standing will continue to the Bad Movie Battle Royale Championship match to see just WHO is the baddest. So until next week, I hope you've enjoyed the tournament...there's more to come.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Round 3 of the Bad Movie Battle Royale! FINAL FOUR!

Welcome back to The Bad Movie Battle Royale. This is day 4 and I'm happy that you've stuck with it for this long. We're down to the final four contenders. Robowar vs Poolboy. The Wraith vs Girlfriend from Hell. There's 3 we were all pretty confident would go all the way and there's one BIG underdog in Girlfriend from Hell. I didn't see her getting this far, did any of you? Anyway, after today's matchups conclude, tomorrow will be the most elegantly spectacular King of the Ring championship match! And then next week we will wrap this thing up with the Royal Rumble and then of course...the Bad Movie Battle Royale championship match! (Plus the contest and a few other surprises) That being said, let's continue the Bad Movie Battle Royale shall we?

(Oh my god, this is actually happening)


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Second Round of the Bad Movie Battle Royale!

The first round had some pretty big upsets. Not that there are a tremendous amount of upsets as the majority of these contenders are pretty awesome in their own right, it's just heartbreaking to see a lot of these guys go home so early. WHY SPACED INVADERS, WWWWWHHHHHYYYYYY!!!???

But life goes on. And so does...

Today we see what the winners from Round 1 can do in Round 2. Let's do this.

HOOOOBOY! Down to the final 4 contenders. Keep it here tomorrow as the 4 winners from Round 2 battle it out to see WHO is going to the championship match.