Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Joel David Moore to star in new shit flick: Shark Night 3-D!

I found this story at Bloody-Disgusting.

They say it better than I ever could:
Just a few weeks after the massive Piranha attack, director David R. Ellis has cast his first four vacationers for his Shark Night 3-D. Heat Vision reports that Ellis, who directed Snakes on a Plane, the horrid Asylum and two installments of the Final Destination movies, has cast Sinqua Walls ("Savage County"), Chris Carmack (The Butterfly Effect: Revelation), Alyssa Diaz (Red Dawn) and Joel David Moore (Hatchet, Avatar) in the horror penned by Jesse Studenberg and Will Hayes. The story revolves around seven men and women who spend a weekend at a lake house in Louisiana's Gulf area. When their vacation quickly becomes a nightmare of hellish shark attacks, unheard of in freshwater lakes, they soon discover that the sharks are part of a sick, greedy plan on the part of several locals. The movie is barreling down on an early September start in Louisiana.
This sounds great to me! I'm excited. It's got a bad movie director, some bad movie actors, a solid Shark Attack type story, and Joel David Moore. In 3D!! I won't be missing it.

FULL MOON 40% off sale!!!

If you're a fan of Full Moon pictures, then this should get you pretty excited. They do this every holiday so in case you miss it, just wait until Halloween and they'll have another sale. But this is definitely worth checking out. They have some great DVD's including Intruder, the Trancers Boxset, and the Evil Bong movies. You can get all the details and order your movies at Full Moon Direct.

Check out the Hatchet 2 Trailer and Production Stills


Hatchet 2, I know its just the teaser trailer but it's got me pretty excited. Looks like they're gonna utilize Tony Todd more in this film. At least that's what they've been talking about for awhile. I'm really excited about that.

Monday, August 30, 2010

BIG CASTING NEWS for The Asylum's upcoming feature: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

If you aren't familiar with The Asylum, that's no big surprise. They make terrible movies. Just god awful horrible movies. But I will give them credit, they've stepped it up in the last couple years and some of their releases are at least watchable. The Asylum is part low budget, part SyFy original movie, part Mockbusters. They churn out a ton of good for nothing movies, they make a lot of movies for the SyFy channel, and they put out tons of movies that look like popular movies that are in theatres at that time. So if you were to go see Transformers in the theatre, you'd catch Transmorphers at the rental store. That kind of shit.

I used to hate it but its happening so much that I kind of like it now. Man, it used to just burn me everytime I saw they were trying to score some money off a popular release. Alien vs Hunter...really Asylum, really? But after awhile it wears at you and you kind of can't wait to see what shitty clone they churn out next.

Wow I'm way off Topic...Back to your regularly scheduled program...

I would like to put a shout out to Microsoft paint for helping me create this poster,
because there is no official poster released to date. It will be epic though.
And I would also like to thank my friend Alcohol Paul for his inspiration on the tagline.

I just learned today of two actors that are going to be in the upcoming Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. You read that right. MEGA...SHARK...VERSUS...CROC...OSAURUS. And it's a fucking sequel! The original was Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. And the title alone spoils the ending for you. (Mega Shark pwned the piss out of Giant Octopus)

Robert Picardo, who played The Doctor on Star Trek Voyager, will star alongside Jaleel White or you may know him better as...wait for it...URKEL! From Family Matters. Oh my, this is one feature that I will not be missing.

To get off topic again, there's a website out there that make T-shirts that explain how SyFy comes up with their ideas for their Original Movies. You should check it out.

James Cameron talks shit on Pirahna 3D

And the douchebag award goes to...

I got this from Bloody Disgusting.com

Vanity Fair caught up with James Cameron to talk to him about Avatar and they asked him about the new Pirahna 3D. Here's what the douchebag had to say...

Vanity Fair: Was there any sense of nostalgia when the Piranha movie came out last weekend?

"Zero. You’ve got to remember: I worked on Piranha 2 for a few days and got fired off of it; I don’t put it on my official filmography," he explained. "So there’s no sort of fond connection for me whatsoever. In fact, I would go even farther and say that... I tend almost never to throw other films under the bus, but that is exactly an example of what we should not be doing in 3-D. Because it just cheapens the medium and reminds you of the bad 3-D horror films from the 70s and 80s, like Friday the 13th 3-D. When movies got to the bottom of the barrel of their creativity and at the last gasp of their financial lifespan, they did a 3-D version to get the last few drops of blood out of the turnip. And that’s not what’s happening now with 3-D. It is a renaissance—right now the biggest and the best films are being made in 3-D. Martin Scorsese is making a film in 3-D. Disney’s biggest film of the year—Tron: Legacy—is coming out in 3-D. So it’s a whole new ballgame."

And my response:

FUCK YOU JAMES CAMERON. It cheapens the medium? Horror INVENTED 3D. You don't see too many fucking romantic comedies that are big on 3D do you. DO YOU? You just took something that was a gag in the 70s and 80s and exploited the piss out of it for your movie. Avatar didn't need to be in 3D but boy did you cash in on that shit. I saw it in 2D and enjoyed it just fine. 3D was just a money grab buddy.

What about My Bloody Valentine 3D that came out last year? Did that cheapen the genre? FUCK NO. That movie catapulted all this 3D shit we have now. When they make horror movies, especially now, FOR the 3D then its epic. Now when "Disney" and "James Cameron" make a movie...then at the last minute put it in 3D to make money THAT cheapens the medium. Because of fucks like you EVERY GOD DAMN MOVIE is in 3D right now. It's so fucking insane that nobody wants to see them anymore. The prices are outrageous, our heads are ready to explode, and its just not fun anymore. Because of shitheads like you. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing Mr. Cameron.

3D should be a once in a while kind of thing. 3D films should be made specifically for the theatre. Not as a last ditch effort to make money. I'm sorry Mr. Cameron, I strongly disagree with your perspective on Pirahna 3D. Movies like that make 3D live stronger. Besides, you worked on Pirahna 2: the Spawning. That's a bigger joke on LIFE than Pirahna 3D is on the medium.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Black Devil Doll (2008)

Dey rapin everybody up in here! Black Devil Doll is a movie about a lot of things. Least among them is decency. And it's awesome.

Black Devil Doll is basically about a mutha fuckin black puppet that comes back via some big breasted chick's Ouija board and then it starts rapin and killin everybody. And it's the most offensively hilarious thing I've ever watched. There's just so much going on that sets out specifically to offend everyone, hell the website has a specific warning:

 You know with a warning like that, that you have to fucking see it.

There were plenty of moments of, "TOO FAR!" and then a few scenes later they upped the ante even farther. They knew what they wanted to do with this movie and they did it. Fuck everyone else. And for that I give it mass props. You fuckin rock Black Devil Doll. Here's the trailer to help you better understand what I'm talking about.

Isn't that just fucking crazy? It's everything you'd expect from a movie called Black Devil Doll. Racism and Rapin for everyone! In all seriousness (yeah right), it is a pretty offensive movie so if you can't get past the title or poster art you aren't going to like this movie. But if you can't help but laugh at a jive talkin Black Doll jizzin all over the place and if you like massive amounts of silicone breasts floppin around the screen for absolutely no reason at all, then Black Devil Doll is for you.

For real, there's lots of Tig ol' Bitties in this Muthafucka. (Oh dear god, I've caught the Devil Doll dialect. Please pray for me.) It's no surprise that everyone (besides one) has Black Devil Doll listed as their only movie credit on IMDb. With names like Precious Cox, I have no doubt that they just drove down to the slut shop and picked up some cheap strippers to make an appearance in this movie. And then vigorously pound the ever lovin shit out of their....OH TOO FAR!

Check out the official website for details on where to buy this fantastic movie. There's also a crazy soundboard where you can hear the Black Devil Doll speak. I fucking love it.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Killer Tongue (1996)

The Killer Tongue is a deep societal film about the emotions between lovers and their effects on other human beings. This movie explores all aspects of humanity beginning with lust and greed which lead up to its climactic finish of redemption and resolution.

I'm just fucking with you, its none of those things. IT'S THE KILLER TONGUE!!

The Killer Tongue comes from the crappy movie company of the late 90's called Shit-Pix...I mean A-Pix Entertainment. They were the company responsible for distributing such classics as Jack Frost, Razor Blade Smile, and The Ice Cream Man.  I remember watching a couple of A-Pix movies when I was younger and being just appalled at how shitty they were. Now that I've aged a little, drink Port Royal Rum on a regular basis, and my standards for movies are at an all time low, I FUCKING LOVE THIS COMPANY. And I sadly miss them and wish that I could have enjoyed the height of their reign. We'll always have Breeders.

Onto more of The Killer Tongue. The story starts with a bank robbery a la Bonnie and Clyde. Well Clyde goes to jail and Bonnie becomes a nun waiting until his sentence is over. That's love man. Well some time goes by and he's getting ready to get out. Well it just so happens a meteor crashes to Earth at the same time releasing a rogue alien creature that winds up in Bonnie's soup. She eats it and converts into smokin hot sexy babe...with a Killer Tongue!

And magnificent nipples.

Well she fights it at first but eventually she gets used to it. Also she has 3 dogs and for some reason they all turn into a gang of gay dudes. I don't really remember. Well its about this time that I dozed off for 20 minutes. I was kind of in and out but I'm pretty sure nothing important happened. I think there was just a few gay jokes and one of the nuns stripped down and was now in lingerie. And that's when I got back into the story. So Epic Tits up there catches her man in bed with Super Nun and she flips out...and unleashes the Killer Tongue on them. And that's when the tongue starts talking. It's fucking epic. I've never laughed so hard in my life. After it starts talking then the movie gets really exciting to watch. The kills amp up to 11, the one liners sneak out like a machine gun, and the craziness of the movie steps it up a couple levels.

Just watch that trailer right there. You get to hear it talk a little at the end. Fucking epic right? I know. It's the coolest. I think the tongue and that chick have sex at one point and its smoking a cigarette or something. I was laughing too fucking hard to catch it.

I'll be honest and say that the first hour of this movie was pretty much unwatchable. There wasn't anything that was really interesting about it. It was kind of like watching the setup to a bad gay porno. Except it had Robert Englund in it whipping a bunch of white boys in the desert....hmmm....maybe it was a gay porno. Anyway, it was really strange and trippy. Definitely a movie worth watching while under the influence of something. But its all worth it in the final half hour because shit hits the fan in so many epic way I can't even begin to describe them. But I will tell you that in one scene the killer tongue explodes through a dudes head and attacks a man's crotch that was standing right behind him. It was fucking amazing.

I'd only recommend this for the people that can handle really shitty movies. The picture isn't all that great, kinda seems like it was shot on a shitty camera. The only thing this movie has going for it are the cast. And by cast I mean the good actors that aren't really main characters. Robert Englund (aka Freddy Krueger), Doug Bradley (aka Pinhead), and a bizarre appearance from Jonathan Rhys Meyers (aka King Henry in The Tudors). Beyond all that there isn't much going on for the cast. Maybe the lead lady, Melinda Clarke. She was in Return of the Living Dead 3, but that's it. Everyone else can go fuck off.

Eh, go ahead and watch it. If you can stand it anyway. If you are bored to death or feel like blowing your brains out just do what I did and take a short nap in the middle. You won't miss anything. Just make sure you're awake for the final 30 minutes. They will blow your mind...and tongue.

Also...on a personal note. Thank you to Mr. Steen for creating my awareness to this wonderful film. Had it not been for him, I may not have seen it tantalizing me from the used video store shelf, wishing...lusting for me. Now I have finished making sweet sloppy second love to The Killer Tongue and I couldn't be happier. God Speed Mr. Steen.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

GRABOIDS: An informational perspective video

To love a Graboid is to know a Graboid. Check out this video to learn more about this elusive underground landshark. A very informative video that should be implemented into the school system as soon as possible. Everyone needs to know what a Graboid is...if they are to avoid being eaten by one.

Monstrous Wildlife from Frank Robnik on Vimeo.


For all you hardcore Tremors fans out there, in case you weren't aware...

Tremors: The Series is out on DVD! You can find it at Amazon or other online retailers.  I watched a couple episodes and didn't really care for it, it was too much like Tremors 3 for me, which I didn't really like all that much. Too much of a cartoon. But I know...being the Tremors lover that I am...I'll most likely buy this somewhere down the road.

Movie: MONSTER BRAWL brings fights to the graveyard

This just in from Shock Til You Drop

MONSTER BRAWL! A free for all deathmatch between histories greatest monsters. On Pay Per View!! This is gonna be crazy. I'm keeping my eye on this. It sounds terribly awesome. I can't wait.

Here's what STYD had to say...

The filmmakers behind Scarce are going to be ringleaders of a Monster Brawl.

Dave Foley, Robert Maillet, wrestling vets Jimmy Hart and Kevin Nash, MMA ref Herb Dean and Lance Henriksen are participating in this horror-comedy shooting up in Ontario for Foresight Features.

The film depicts an action-packed fighting tournament set in an abandoned graveyard transformed into a brawling venue. Brawl promises to feature a roster of classic monsters, battling to the death in an explosive Pay-Per-View television broadcast format.

Foresight Features is producing Monster Brawl as their flagship film with plans to produce two features annually for the next five years. Their next feature, Exit Humanity, is set to shoot starting October 18th, 2010.

Impossible Super Mario Bros Level

Check this shit out. Looks like someone took the time to create the most intense and impossible Super Mario World level ever created. Check it out!

This seems like something that would take me years to conquer. Even then I'd most likely cry a lot.

Friday, August 27, 2010

SyFy Channel's Bad Movie Schedule 8/28/10

SyFy Saturdays are always chock full of Bad Movie goodness. I'm going to be posting these every Friday so you can plan your Saturday's accordingly.  Tomorrow is obviously The Wrath of Mother Earth day. Enjoy! All times are Central Standard Time.

8am - 10am: The Descent
10am - 12pm: Solar Attack
12pm - 2pm: Disaster Zone: Volcano in New York
2pm - 4pm: NYC: Tornado Terror
4pm - 8pm: Category 6: Day of Destruction (2 parts)
8pm - 10pm: Meteor Apocalypse
10pm - 12am: Earth Storm
12am - 2am: Tornado: Nature Unleashed

BOOK REVIEW: House (2006) by Ted Dekker & Frank Peretti

House is a poorly written, horrible piece of fiction. I really hate being critical towards an artist and I really do like to give people the benefit of the doubt… “Dammit, they tried! They deserve a little credit,” but I just can’t bring myself to do that here. When it takes two, that’s right TWO, established writers to write a piece of shit like this, then I can’t in good conscience be nice about it.

House follows the story of a man and woman traveling back roads USA on their way to a marriage counseler. The characters have names but it really doesn’t fucking matter so they’ll remain nameless…for their safety. Anyway, they’re cruising along and they decide to take a shortcut to get back to the interstate at the suggestion of a local police officer. Low and behold they hit a spike strip and are forced to shack up in an old Inn out in the middle of nowhere. Once there, they meet up with another couple THAT HAD THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPEN…and nobody seems to care. They meet the family of this house and then shit hits the fan. Some of the story progresses lazily, they venture into the forbidden basement, that’s really just a complex maze, they meet some metaphors of themselves, some freaky shit happens, and then it ends. Kind of.

There’s just so much I can’t stand about the book that I don’t even know where to begin. I can’t believe I put in all the effort just to read the whole thing. I knew around page 40 that it wasn’t going to be very good. But nevertheless, being the bad story kind of guy that I am, I pressed on.

I think I’ll start with….hhmmmm…the authors. Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti. The cover of the books states, “Their collaboration is as big of a deal as Tom Clancy and Clive Cussler getting together to co-author a spy novel.” OF SHIT! Trust me, I looked them up before I began to read this thing and I was impressed with their work. They both had a dozen or more novels under their belt, lots of them getting made into movies (including this one, I’ll get into that in a moment), so I figured eh, this can’t be so bad. It was TERRIBLE. I later found out that this book was written by CHRISTIAN HORROR authors. Wow, such a thing exists. I can’t believe it. I don’t really think there’s too much “Christian” about horror. They just call it that because the characters don’t swear. At all. They just say stuff like, “He tried the door. It was locked. He cursed,” to get past actually swearing. I guess it sells books doesn’t it? Plus there aren’t any graphic deaths. Cuz that’s exactly why horror readers are reading…purely for story. Where’s the eye gouging, House? WHERE!?

From my understanding, their solo works are pretty good. I have a couple books from them sitting in the hopper that I haven’t read yet but I will be checking them out soon just to make sure this book was a fluke. I just don’t know if they couldn’t decide on a writing style for this book, so they invented one that sucked or what the fuck. Here, I’ll just pull out a random excerpt for you…

He tried the potatoes, a little mealy.
“Stewart, don’t encourage him,” said Betty, a wad of food in her mouth.
Pete pointed at Leslie, “I want her.”
Randy cut in, eyeing Stewart. “Speaking of catches, where do you suppose those spikes in the road came from."
Stewart sniffed.
“Jack,” said Betty, “why don’t you tell us about your wife? Leslie told us about Randall.”

In this scene, all the characters are sitting around a table conversing with one another. Seriously, what is going on there? Apparently everyone is talking but no one is listening. Pete points straight at Randy’s girl and declares that he wants to bone her. Randy is all concerned about the spike strips in the road and all he can get is a sniff from Stewart. Apparently Jack and Stephanie, the other couple, could give a shit about how THEIR car ran over spike strips too. And Betty has a severe case of dyslexia, jumping back and forth asking questions but not waiting around for answers. COME ON MAN! One at a time please.

This happens constantly throughout the book. It’s actually quite laughable. Which, oddly enough, did make it a little more enjoyable for me. But come on, I need a little consistency. Everything that’s going on is just so confusing. Everyone’s always talking to no one. It’s crazy. OH! When they start meeting up with clones of themselves, just you TRY to keep up with those conversations. Holy shit. Honestly, this reads like something that I wrote. The characters are really flat, they appear to be pulled from other stories and just forced to exist with one another in this story. I was really hoping for quicker, bloodier, and more brutal deaths. BUT being a CHRISTIAN HORROR novel, no one really died until the end. And even then, they really weren’t all dead. Lame.

Instead of reading this book, here’s what you do. Go watch the first half of the movie Vacancy. Then watch the second half of the movie The Hills Have Eyes. That’s more or less what’s going on here, only this sucks and that doesn’t. I’m pretty sure they all came out at around the same time so I’m sure they all collaborated together to make sure they banked off each other’s success. Except House. House got fucked over hard. Cuz it sucks.

And can you believe they made a movie out of this thing? I will be watching it soon just because the events in the book are so outlandish and crazy that I just HAVE to see how they converted it to film. It’s gonna be nuts. I’m actually pumped to see it. I know they always ruin the book making movies and since this blows already, the movie is gonna blow even harder. And it will be the most amazing thing I’ve watched all month. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and call it right now.

Ok House, I’ve ragged on you enough buddy. You’ve got a couple things going for you. The evil dude…The Tin Man. He’s pretty rad. I’ll give you that. He’s basically the Gunslinger from Stephen King’s The Dark Tower…except he wears a tin mask. He’s a pretty evil dude. I’ll let you have one other thing House, you got me. You got me good. I saw the cover, thought it looked cool. I read the mini-synopsis, thought it sounded cool. And I bought the shit out of you. Which turned out to be not very cool.  You sir are one hell of a swindler, lemme tell you.

If I had to recommend this to anyone…I wouldn’t. Unless you like punishing yourself. Or need a quick read, I'm a really slow reader and I finished it in a week. I would, however, give my used copy to someone I hate so they’d be forced to endure it. House is a sub-par story with sub-par characters. There isn’t much here that hasn’t been done before. If I were you, I’d just rent the movie. You’ll probably get everything you need out of there. I know I will.

One final thought, when I, MR. FUCKING GABLE, says its bad. It’s bad. Good job House, you’ve outdone yourself. Time to put you back in the quarter bin on the corner with all the other used up hookers. I mean books.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Oblivion is coming to DVD September 1st!!!!

WOW! Two big Full Moon Pictures announcements in one day!

Oblivion is finally making its way onto DVD! There's a movie in production right now called Cowboys and Aliens. It's gonna have to pull out ALL the stops to compete with this baby. Oblivion is one wild ride, front to back. There's cyborgs, giant Alien scorpions, Mr. Sulu, Catwoman, and outdoor ceiling fans! This movie is epic. So epic they filmed the sequel along with it: Backlash: Oblivion 2 - Already on DVD.

If you need any other reasons to watch this movie aside from the fact that THERE'S ALIENS and THERE'S COWBOYS then just take a look at the cast.
  • Andrew Divoff (Wishmaster, Indiana Jones 4, TV's Lost)
  • Meg Foster (Masters of the Universe, Leviathan, They Live)
  • George Takei (Star Trek's Mr. Sulu) - Side Note: He improvises shit loads of Star Trek lines in this movie. It's Awesome.
  • Isaac Hayes (Escape From New York)
  • Julie Newmar (Catwoman from the 60's Batman)
  • Carel Struycken (Lurch from The Addam's Family)
  • Musetta Vander (Mortal Kombat: Annihilation) - Side Note: Wears a very seductive leather outfit and whipping everyone for 90 minutes. Actually 180, if you count both movies!
Buy this movie, it's really really amazing. You can read my review here. Check out Full Moon Direct for all the details on how you can own a copy of this amazing movie! And while you're there, you might as well buy the sequel.

You're welcome internet. Have a great day.

NEWS! Gingerdeadman 3: Saturday Night Cleaver - Meet the cast...of pastries.

Full Moon Pictures, the creator of every great bad movie from the 90's, is making a big comeback in 2010. They just released the newest Puppet Master: Axis of Evil and now they're working on a few more sequels. Killjoy 3 and Gingerdeadman 3: Saturday Night Cleaver.

Gingerdeadman 3 is coming and I know we're all excited. I've been following it for awhile and they're currently shooting the movie. They just shot a mass electrocution sequence that included several winners from the Full Moon Horror Roadshow. (They need to come here dammit, this show looks mindblowing)

I can't wait for this to come out, it looks fucking amazing. Check out the video below and meet the cast of Gingerdeadman 3.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010



“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Dennis swished his head back and forth, shaking himself from his gaze of a monumentally and pleasantly colorful flower display in the Merriam Distributors Inc.’s gigantic lobby. People scurried across the entry room floor like a swarm of misguided ants. He turned his attention once again to the receptionist desk and the gorgeous looking red head with the low cut green sweater that occupied it.
     “They’re ready for you upstairs sir. Your new office is on the 13th floor, the elevators are around the corner over that way,” she pointed to her left and Dennis caught a quick glimpse of her delicately red painted fingernails. Red fingernails and a green sweater, not exactly the colors I’d coordinate in July, he thought. “Someone will be up there to greet you,” she continued, “Good luck.”
     “Thank you,” Dennis said. He nodded his head to her, catching one final glimpse of her cavernous cleavage. Always a good way to start your day, especially a day that begins with a new job and hopefully a promising career.
     As he walked away, the receptionist stopped him once more. He turned and smiled, glad for the opportunity to see her pretty young face one more time. “I really do mean good luck to you sir, the last few people didn’t last longer than a day before they…they…well all I really mean to say is watch yourself.”
     With the smile ripped from his face, he gave her an awkward thank you, turned about face, and made his way to the elevators.


The elevator chimed 13 times before coming to a graceful halt. Dennis’ insides shifted up and down slightly as the lift box ascended and stopped. The combination of a large breakfast he made for himself (consisting of fried eggs, bacon, buttered toast, and sausage links), his “odd” conversation with the pleasant looking red head downstairs, and now the god forsaken motions of the elevator made Dennis’ stomach uneasy. Not such a good start after all.
     As the doors opened to just a sliver, he could already make out the man waiting for him on the other side. He wore a universally dark blue suit, black shoes, and a red twist tie…very much like what Dennis wore today. As the door opened to its full extent, the stranger took one glance at him and said, “So you got the memo.”
     Dennis looked at him puzzled, “I’m sorry…memo?”
     “It’s a joke,” the man in the blue suit pointed towards Dennis’ clothing, “we’re basically wearing the same thing."
     Dennis glanced down and finally made the connection. “I see.”
     “But anyway, welcome to Merriam Distributors. My name is Gary. If you’ll follow me, I’ll show you to your office.” They walked out of the entry way that consisted of one window to the left and a table with two chairs in the corner. At the end of the brief corridor they came to a row of single offices that circled the perimeter of the building and overlooked the valley of cubicles within. Everything was in perfect condition and in a perfect grid formation. I think I’m going to like this, Dennis thought, being the man of perfection and precision that he was.
     Gary turned towards Dennis and began to walk backwards, “Your office is just down this way, can I get you anything? Water? Coffee?”     Dennis shook his head, “No I’m fine thank you. I’d just like to settle in and get to work.”
     “Ah, a workin’ man’s man. I like that. Merriam likes that.”
     Gary stopped at an office that was two doors down from the fabled “corner office”. Gary turned to Dennis one last time and said, “Now if there’s anything you need, call Jane at extension 101. She will be able to get it for you. If you have any other questions, feel free to call me at 208 or stop over there,” Gary pointed across the grove of cubicles to the offices on the far side, “I’m the fifth one from the corner.”
     “Thank you,” said Dennis, “I appreciate it. I think I’ll be ok for awhile.”
     “Well then, good luck to you. We’re very happy that you could come on such short notice. On behalf of everyone here at Merriam Distributors, we hope to have you here for a very long time.” He motioned Dennis into his new office, the office numbered 4266. The last place Dennis would ever see.


     The office was a fairly standard office complete with a giant picture window facing out towards the massive cityscape. The desk faced away from the window towards the door. The desk itself was a maple construction with a glossy finish that made it shine brilliantly in the sun. There was a twenty inch flat screen monitor atop the desk with an ergonomic keyboard seated below it. In front of the desk sat two red dressed chairs, also maple construction to match the desk. In terms of offices, this one would be your basic management model but to Dennis it was the most amazing thing he had ever seen.
     He had started where we all do, on the bottom rung of the ladder alongside all the other mice working diligently but finally after slaving days, nights, weekends, he’d finally achieved what he’d always hoped for. His very own office with a window.
     The window is what really sold it. Dennis was immediately caught in its grip and after placing his briefcase on one of the red dressed chairs he approached it. The sun shone down on the bustling city below glittering its brilliance off of freshly cleaned window panes, a flock of birds shot out from below and seemingly flew into the horizon and into eternity, and he caught glimpse of a brilliantly blooming flower garden on a rooftop across the street. The colors and layout of this garden far exceeded the quality of the flower bed in the Merriam Distributors’ lobby. “This is what God must feel like,” Dennis whispered to himself. A single tear began to form in his right eye…

…and the phone rang.

     The ringing snapped him out of his hypnotic trance. He quickly disposed of the almost tear with a flick of his hand. He turned to pick up the phone, turned so fast in fact that he tripped over his left foot and crashed to the ground, splitting his lip. The phone continued to ring. Dennis got to his feet, grabbed the receiver, and pressed the side of his face and lips (now slightly covered in blood) against it. “Merriam Distributors, this is Dennis, how can I help you?”
Dial tone.

     Dennis pulled the phone away from his face and looked at it…no, looked through it. “Hmm…must of just missed it.” He set the phone back down and as his hand left the receiver the device rang again. Without missing his chance this time, he reached out with the reflexes of a cobra and pulled up at the receiver. “Merriam Dist-”

Dial tone.

     He set the receiver back into its home and took a step back. He thought to himself a moment then picked up the receiver again. He punched the number 1 and followed it with 0 and 1. Jane. Gary did say if he needed anything she would get it for him.

Dial tone.

     He tried again. Dial tone. “What the hell is wrong with this stupid thing?” Dennis put the receiver down and walked to the door. He stretched his arm out, grabbed the knob, and twisted. and twisted. and twisted. “What the fuck?” He took one step to the left towards the window facing the cubicles and waited patiently for someone to walk by. For such a busy office there sure aren’t many people walking around. Dennis put fist to glass and pounded three times. Nobody poked their head up or came out of their cubbyholes curious about the noise. He tried again, this time pounding and screaming…
…and the phone rang.

     He turned, this time with a hint of horror on his face. He didn’t want to pick it up. He wanted out of this office. This place that only moments ago felt like heaven has just slipped down, deep down…into hell. He moved slowly towards the ringing phone, checking behind him to see if anyone had come to his rescue. No one did. He traveled to the far side of the desk and cautiously picked up the receiver.

And of course…dial tone.

     This sent Dennis into a vicious rage. He slammed the receiver down as hard as he could, nearly breaking the phone into pieces. It held firm despite his attempt. He threw his hands up in the air, “What the hell is going on here!?”
     The phone rang one final time. He threw it up, held the receiver in front of his face, and shouted into the mouth piece, “Who are you? What kind of sick joke is this? I’ll have your ass on a platter for this you little coc-”
     “I’m sorry Dennis.” The voice cut off Dennis before he could finish. Dennis immediately picked up on the familiarity of the voice traveling through the hardwire speaker.
     “Gary, is that you?”
     “Yes Dennis, I’m sorry for what has happened and what’s about to happen.”
     “What are you talking about?” Dennis tensed up, fearing what Gary might have to say. Did he miss something? Was this all a test and he’s failed? Is he unemployed yet again? Please God, please let everything be ok.
“I’m sorry Dennis. We thought you were the perfect man for the job but you were not. Your application says you are a calm individual that holds up against pressure. The last few minutes seem to have proved otherwise.”
     “What? You did all this?”
     “No, Dennis, I did not. Merriam did. Merriam chooses applicants by certain criteria, criteria he thought you met. But you do not. You lied. Merriam is ultimately the one who decides who can work here and who can not. And you…can not.”
     Dennis suddenly felt pressure on his body. It felt as if his very essence were being sucked into a deep void, a black hole.
     “It won’t take long. Merriam also has to eat. Fortunately for everyone else, you and the last few applicants will sustain him for a very long time. We can only hope the next person has what it takes.”
     Dennis couldn’t speak. The only sound he made was a short gasp for air. It took all of his energy to even try. Slowly his entire body began to shrivel and collapse upon itself. It lifted off the ground and up, up into the receiver. After the last of Dennis’ being, his very existence disappeared into the phone, the receiver fell out of the air and landed perfectly back in its place.
     From across the building, Gary put his phone down, looked across the sea of cubicles at office #4266, and whispered, “We can only hope.”

SHORT STORY: All Work and No Play

Work.  The driving force in our lives.  What would the human race be without it?  There would be no one to build cars or roads or buildings.  There would be no one to stock grocery store shelves or sell computers.  There would just be...nothing.  A life without work is a life without purpose.  Isn’t it?

David had a good life.  Not a great life but a good one.  Wife, kids, pets.  He had everything a man would ever need but nevertheless he yearned for more.  It wasn’t good enough to be good at something, he had to be the best at it.  Lately he had been struggling endlessly to meet the expectations of his superiors.  He knew that someday his hard work would pay off.  And you never know, today might be that day.  You see, David worked in an office building (you know, one of those giant skyscrapers you’d see in a big city) and there was a new position that just opened up down the hall.  It came with a personal office, an assistant, and of course...a big raise.  David wanted it more than anything.  He knew by days end the position would be filled.  He had been the first to throw his hat in the ring and surely they’d notice that wouldn’t they?  “David...the eager young go-getter.”  It’s everything they never knew they wanted.  So he had hoped.

David anxiously waited in his cubical the entire day.  He could hardly wait for them to announce they’d selected him to fill the position.  He was the most qualified and had been working with the company the longest of the whole bunch.  Surely his hard work would pay off.  It had to.  On the far wall of the work room the clock ticked and tocked.  It grew louder and louder as time seemingly came to a standstill.  The anticipation was excrutiating.
     Then the room went silent.  No ticks, no tocks.  Just silence.
     David peered over the cubicle wall.  He could see his boss standing in front of everyone, waving his hands towards him...drawing them in for the announcement.  David slipped past his cubicle wall and slowly walked towards his boss.  That’ll be the last damn time I ever step foot in a cubicle ever again.  Today is my day.  Carpe Diem. He thought.
     Carpe Diem.

     “Attention!  Can I get everyone’s attention please?” David’s boss proclaimed to his workers.  “Thank you.  I just want to take this moment to thank all of you for your hard work and dedication.  Without it, we would not be here today.”
     Mine most of all, David thought.
     “Now as you all know, Ted moved up as our new Co-President a few days ago.  Since that time we’ve been looking for a suitable candidate to fill Ted’s position within the company.”
     This is it, this is where all my hard work pays off.
     “I know many of you have submitted your applications for the position.”
     Here we go, he’s going to say it.  “David McMullen, you are our new Customer Relations Manager.”
     “But after a grueling screening process we regret to inform all of you that we have decided to bring in an outsider.  We’re hoping that someone that doesn’t work here can bring some fresh ideas to the table and help to make us a better company.”
     “What...” David grumbled in a low tone.  It was more of a grinding actually as his teeth crunched together and moved sporadically left and right.
     “We really do appreciate all that you’ve done for us.”
     David stepped forward, unable to contain the rage building inside him.  “Appreciate what we’ve done for you?  Appreciate what we’ve done for you!?”  He said it twice as if the first time didn’t exactly sound right so he said it again in a more directed tone...directed towards his boss.  “If you appreciate our work so much, why don’t you make one of us the new manager?”
     “David, it’s not that we are out to punish any of you.  We just believe a fresh perspective can do us a lot of good right now.”
     “A fresh perspective?  I’ll tell you something.  I’ve worked here for well over a decade.  I’ve slaved for you, done everything you’ve asked...and more.  I’ve more than excelled at everything that’s been put in front of me and now you’re telling me that there’s no chance in hell that I will ever become a manager because you’re looking for a ‘fresh perspective’?”
     “David please, you’re making a fool of yourself.”
     “Oh no sir.  I’m no fool.  No fool indeed.”  David had so cleverly concealed the miniature sword letter opener he had swiped off a nearby desk that his boss didn’t know what had happened until it was over...knocked to the floor, hands clasped to his neck, and gasping for air.  Blood began to pool around his head from the gash David had left in his throat.  He looked up at David, the screams of terror and chaos surrounding him had gone seemingly silent for the moment.  All he could see or hear was David.
     “I’ll tell you what boss, I hope I can give you the fresh perspective you’re looking for.”  David bent over and pulled his bosses hands from his throat.  He thrust the letter opener into the already open wound and began to saw away at the flesh.  The miniature sword was sharp enough to cut the skin but it got difficult towards the back of the head...through the spinal cord.
     When the job was done David grabbed his boss’s head by its hair and lifted it high in the air.  “Fresh perspective!”  And David laughed harder than he had ever laughed before.  Insanity Laughter.  He continued to laugh at his boss’s severed head until the police arrived shortly after.

Work.  Is it the place we go to earn a living or is it the place where we are living.  Does a job get so intertwined with the soul that it becomes more than making money?  When does work stop and life begin?  We all have a job to do.  There’s no denying it.  But to what end?  Life has purpose and to people like David work is life.  Don’t let it become you.  There are far greater purposes in this world.  Find yours.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

This is a very messy movie.  As much as I love gore this films does follow suite with the splatter films that have become popular in this day and age.  No longer is gore used to enhance the story and the movie experience but now it is just all for show...as is much in our present society.

Don't get me wrong, Wrong Turn 2 is pretty sweet.  It does delve a little bit into the reason these morbid and awesomely deformed hillbillys are out there eating people and breeding.  It always the old paper mill.  How dare they.  If you're looking for scares you're in the wrong place.  Unless your under 16, then you may be a little afraid.  This movie is more about the effects and cool deaths than anything else.

If you need a reason to see this movie I'll give you one...Henry freakin Rollins!  I love the work he does, especially in the horror genre.  His role in Feast was great and in this film he lives up to his bad assery.  Blowin shit up and kickin ass...its the Rollins way.  Stalking his prey and spitting out one-liners...its the Rollins way.  Don't underestimate this man cuz he will rock your world. The Rollins Way.

The film alone is pretty good as a stand alone.  There is no real ties to the original other than the use of inbred hicks.  Unlike Halloween Resurrection, this film actually WORKS using reality television as the plot.  God I hated Halloween Resurrection.  Who the hell thought Busta Rhymes would be a great hero?  Anyways...this film is pretty sweet when it comes to that aspect.  The actual game itself could probably be a lot of fun to be a part of or to watch on TV.  Apocalypse TV!

All in all, its worth a lazy Saturday watch.  If you just wanna sit back and watch some mindless violence, this film is for you.  No undertones, tense scenes, or much of an actual story here.  All you get is some great effects, cool deaths, and some hillbilly masturbation.  Isn't that good enough?

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Watchers: Reborn (1998)

Aahhh...that's better.  Man after fighting to get through part 3 this was a welcome addition.  What a nice piece of redemption this film is.  It isn't without its embarassments and screw ups but hey, what would the Watchers series be without it.

Four attempts at the same storyline and they still can't seem to get it right.  With Watchers: Reborn it is at least tolerable.  All of the Watchers films go like this...super smart dog genetically bred telepathically with super smart ugly ass monster.  The dog goes in to warm up to the enemy and the monster comes in behind him killing them all.  Well the experiments go wrong and they both escape...then chaos ensues.  In Reborn they show a lot better about how and why they are doing what they are doing.  It's good to see they actually cared for the viewer instead of assuming they'd read the book.  In essence, Reborn is kind of deceptive.  The storyline is pretty much the same, the creature's names are the same.  They sure clung onto that Einstein name pretty hard.  There's so much about this film that is the same that its hard to call it a reboot.

The cast in this film is a major upswing from part 3.  First there was the Beastmaster kicking Watcher ass, now its Luke Skywalker and the Dream Master!  Yes, Mark Hamill of the Star Wars fame and Lisa Wilcox of the Nightmare on Elm Street 4 & 5 fame team up to bring down the big bad wolf in this installment of Watchers.  There are a few other welcome "faces" along for the ride too.  It's good to see some talent back in the limelight.  It makes the experience so much more worth it.  But I will say...never and I mean NEVER would Lisa Wilcox want to jump Mark Hamill's bones.  That's just gross.  (she must have gotten some nice money to make out with him, or maybe she's just a major nerd)

Four Watchers films and three monster failures.  The first one was good except you never saw the damn thing long enough to tell how gross it was.  The second was just a cheap suit that was shown too much.  The third was slightly better than the second but just slightly.  Now in part four, a monster a horror fan can be proud of.  The face moves, the puppetry is so much better, and the hair is back.  It looks like a bigfoot/puppy dog hybrid.  The way it should be.  Well at least the way I want it to be.  It actually is pretty scary and monstrous.  I loved it!

Now there are some out there that would argue this movie is awful.  I found it rather entertaining and fun.  **SPOILER** Those that hate it probably hate it for one reason...the monster talks.  "Pet me!" it begs.  Aawww...it just wants some love.  Poor thing.  Now I like the fucking monster!  He's not scary anymore, he just wants to be loved.  God damn it.  I wanted that thing to tear through people and then explode at the end.  Now it has feelings and wants attention.  You know, I actually kind of liked it.  It brought the cuteness back.  It was directed completely at something different, but it was kind of heartwarming.  **END SPOILER**

Alright so was it worth it?  Was the series worth it?  Like most horror series there's always at least one black sheep in the family.  There's always that one that was made for the sake of being made and its so bad nobody wants to think about it.  Well Watchers is no different, part three was pretty bad and you can read my review on it via the Bad Movie Reviews page.  But at least they pushed on and tried to redeem themselves of that embarassment.  I think they succeeded but there are those that would disagree.  I don't even know if Concorde/New Horizons is still around.  I very highly doubt it.  I kind of remember hearing Lionsgate has the films in their library.  It would be really cool to see another reboot sequel or maybe even a remake.  I hate to say it but the fans of the book could use a good version on film.  In any case, I liked the series.  I thought it was insane and crazy.  Some of it was a waste but its just your average horror series.  You won't find anything worth coming back to over and over again.  Well maybe the dog.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Watchers 3 (1994)

I'll admit it, this movie is just awful.  It's almost painful to watch.  Coming from me, the lover of all that sucks ass, means a lot.  There's just so little to like about it that I can't justify giving it anything higher than a 2 on a 10 scale.  Man I hate doing that.  I'll always give at least a 3 for effort and creativity, but this movie is just terrible.  I'll illustrate why you should avoid it at all costs.

1. A failed movie ripoff.  Predator synopsis: Deep in the jungle a mysterious alien creature is picking off specially trained soldiers on a rescue mission.  The lone survivor fights and destroys the creature using his wits and the jungle around him.  Watchers 3 synopsis: Deep in the jungle a mysterious ugly fucking creature is picking off crappily trained soldiers on a rescue/intel retrieval mission.  The lone survivor (along with a stupidly smart dog and a mute native boy) destroy the creature using some bad one liners and stolen props from the original Predator set.  In all honesty, you could watch these films back to back and they almost mirror one another.  Obviously Predator kicks serious ass and this is a terrible knockoff trying to be something it can never be.  The asylum does this all the time and they pride themselves on it, but this is the third film in a series based on a novel written by Dean Koontz.  Come on people!

2. All the cuteness is gone.  If you remotely enjoyed the first two films for their relationships between dog and man/boy, then you are shit out of luck.  They try to put in a little native boy to have some kind of relationship going on but that kid is completely useless in every aspect of the word.  What was his purpose for being in the story at all?  The only thing, and I mean the only thing he did (because he's too dumb to actually talk), was pointed out the bow and arrow.  That's it...nothing more.  Come on guys, you can do a little better than that.

3. The monster...ok this is how I justify a 2/10 instead of a 1/10.  This creature is a definite improvement over that stupid looking anteater thing from part 2.  It's still lizard like and completely fake but at least its damn mouth moves!  They seemed to have mashed up the sound effects from other Roger Corman features to make the howls for the beast.  That was a definite turn off, but oh well what can you do with crap like this?  Definite improvement, looks like something you would find aboard Davey Jones' ship.  But still...I remember there being a strict...bigfoot vibe from the creature.  Come on.

4. The plot, the story, the complete and utter carelessness of everybody involved.  I don't like to bash people for making movies but this is a really lazy effort on everyone's part.  The story was rushed too fast.  They could have made things a little more dramatic or heartfelt with some short pauses but nope...straight into the next scene.  Honestly wanted everyone to die, I cared for no one.  Generic horror film characters, white leader, black tough guy, macho chick, pussy white guy, expendables.  I guess when you are stoned off your ass and thinking its an original idea this seems pretty awesome.  It's just a really poor film.

Alright I've done enough bashing, what would I say is actually good about it.  If there are any Wings Hauser fans in the house...he's the star man.  I don't know his career that well but he has quite an extensive resume.  Fans of him might feel more in tune with this picture than I do.  He does manage to spit out a few good one liners.  Most notably, "I'm gonna put this bullet so deep in  your head, your ancestors are gonna feel it!"

So in all honesty don't watch it.  If you're like me and you just have to watch (and in my case own) the entire series of films then go ahead and give it a shot.  I can't even tell you its good for a 4 am SyFy channel movie cuz it just isn't.  Even though that's where I first came across it but stopped watching it after awhile cause it looked stupid.  I guess I just won't learn my lesson.  Ok well you get my drift.  I love bad movies but this one just takes the cake.  Kudos to you Watchers 3, a movie so bad that the worst of the actual watchers just can't handle it.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Watchers 2 (1990)

Roger Corman fans unite!  Yet another crappy monster movie is upon us!  Is it good?  We all know its bad.  But is it worth it?  Well well, I'll tell you what I think.

Watchers 2, from my understanding, has more elements of the original text (Dean Koontz's novel "Watchers") than the original film did.  There's a military guy kicking the monster's ass and the monster hates itself cuz its so damned ugly.  That right there kind of tells you something.  Perhaps they got so much backlash from fans of the book on the original that they tried to make up for it with the sequel.  From a marketing point of view its pretty genius.  I'd definately give it a chance if I was conned into believing it was closer to the book than the first one.  My hopes would go up but eventually crash down.

Honestly, the cast kept me more interested than anything else.  The Beastmaster, Marc Singer, is the lead male army hero.  I think its kind of fun to see him outside of the Beastmaster role in normal clothes and short hair.  He is still connected to animals because he's the one who befriends the super smart golden retriever in this film.  Unlike a stupid boy.  I was also happy to see Tracy Scoggins in here.  She starred in Demonic Toys, an awesomely awful Full Moon puppet horror film.  For some reason they don't get sick of making them and I never tire of watching them.  And speaking of puppet movies...Irene Miracle is in this film as well...she was one of the psychics in the original Puppet Master...and she's naked.

The cuteness factor of the first film is back again.  It isn't nearly as fun watching the hero connect with the dog like it was with the boy, but it is just as interesting.  Similarities between those events occur, but I guess that's to be expected.

The story is similar to the first.  More government experimentation on animals.  Redevelopment projects and new monsters.  It was pleasant to see that there was a connection between the doctor and the monster.  Its good to know old ugly has at least one friend...but not for long.  I remember the creature having a lot more fur than this one, but oh well, what can you do.  Anyways...some dumbass animal rights activists trash the place and set loose the dog and creature.  Then all hell breaks loose as the monster hunts the dog and slaughters everything in its path.

Alright so my real beef with this film.  It lost major points during the hotel scene.  The one chick who came off as a whore, who had massive boobs, was about to get it on with some young dude, gets killed before we see the goods.  Son of a bitch!  Who made this movie?  Also the monster is completely ridiculous.  Its kind of like a human/anteater mixed breed.  Unlike the original they show WAY too much of the creature here.  If they could have kept more point of view shots instead of just showing close ups of the creature it would have been forgiveable.  Its obviously fake and the effects are just rancid.  The mouth could have moved A LITTLE.

But all in all...it was worth my time.  I like these cheesy horror movies and if you are aware of Roger Corman and the films he produces than you have a pretty good idea what you're in store for.  I love them because they are so bad, but to me that's what makes them so good.  Happy viewing....at least the Watchers is back.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Watchers (1988)

Watchers is about the cutest damn horror movie I've ever seen.  I wasn't exactly sure what to expect while watching it but after it was over I am glad I did.  Lucky for me there is this old run down video store down the street from me.  They have a whole wall of vhs tapes they rent or sell.  Trying to weed out the inventory.  How lucky was I to find all four Watchers movies sitting there and in great condition.  So I picked them up and thusfar have watched the first one.

The plot is pretty creative.  It's based off a Dean Koontz novel with the same name.  From what I've read of other people's views on this movie is that you should avoid the film and read the book.  I guess the characters and events are completely different.  I, myself, did not read the book so I think that helped me to enjoy the film more.  Ok, the plot...secret government experiment (oh you know this'll be good) in which they create some super intelligent creatures.  First they make human intelligent dogs and then they make some mutant monster that is telepathically linked to the dog.  The point being?  The cute innocent dog would infiltrate enemy bases and the big nasty monster would follow tearing up everything it came across.  Beautiful.  Well of course both of these creatures escape and all hell breaks loose.  This all happens within the first few minutes of the movie.

As far as a horror movie goes it follows the rules pretty well.  The creature mindlessly attacks and murders everybody it comes into contact with.  You don't see much of it other than the occasional arm.  All the shots leading up to the end are creature P.O.V. so you see it killing straight up front.  I was a little disappointed at the end because there wasn't very good lighting to see the monster clearly.  What I did see wasn't all that cool anyway.

So why do I say its cute?  For the majority of the movie you see the boy (Corey Haim of the Lost Boys) bonding with the super smart golden retriever.  Its cute because they laugh and get to know each other.  The boy talks to the dog and it understands everything he says.  The dog has feelings for the boy and tries to prevent him from being killed.  It's kind of cute.

So if you're looking for a reason not to watch it here you go - The ending was kind of weak.  It happens too fast.  Boy hunts the creature, takes it down.  Whoop dee do da.  Corey Haim's hair style.  Yes its the 80's but good lord what coon nested on your head.  Gross.  The effects are sub par but there's not enough of them to really care.  And knowing that its based off a book I could actually feel that they struggled to whiddle it down.  It feels like there should be a lot more.  Why is the creature ripping out eyes?  etc.  So much more could use more explanation.  I think I should go get the book and read that.

So do you want to see it now?  In all honesty it wasn't painful to watch.  It was more cute and cuddly than anything.  Kind of a nice change of pace to feel good about watching people get tore up and eye gouged.  If you miss it, I really wouldn't be too upset about it.  But if you get the chance to watch it, its good enough for a rainy day.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Trancers (1985)

What the hell took me so long to see this! I love this movie! I watched it twice in the past few weeks, once on vhs and the other last night on dvd with the Full Moon Archive boxset I received. I can't wait to see part 2 and 3. I'm gonna have to do some digging for parts 4 & 5. Part 2 has Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton both in it. Anyone that knows me knows I'm a Re-Animator crazy, and these two are my gods!

Anyway...Trancers. That title alone is badass. That poster alone is badass. That star Tim Thomerson alone is badass. That co-star Helen Hunt alone is badass. Transporting back in time to 1985 inhabiting the body of your distant ancestor to do battle with a mind controlling freak who has done the same...alone is badass. But TRANCERS has ALL of these things and so much more.

Trancers is pure entertainment from start to finish. I just love these crazy off the wall 80's sci fi flicks. They will never win any oscars or any of those corrupt "prestigious" awards, but films like this one are solid gold in my opinion. Since this I'm becoming more of a fan of Tim Thomerson after seeing this and Dollman, which is also a Full Moon release.

So what's a Trancer? Why am I taking so fucking long to tell you what a Trancer is? Well I think the real question is, Why don't YOU know what a Trancer is? Yeah, if you have no idea then you better find this movie and watch it. It's so great, that it would shake the very foundation of the world if I just told you. You have to experience it for yourself to truely understand it. Kind of like sex for the first time.

But yes, Trancers is crazy, Trancers is witty, Trancers is just plain awesome. It's a truely entertaining 80's science fiction film that delivers continuously from start to finish. The hero Jack Deth (I love the name) is always kicking someone's ass. Go find this movie and watch it, and if you have it...why aren't you watching it? Go ahead, this review is about over anyway...all I'm gonna do is retype this week's headlines and drink some coffee. Go ahead...watch Trancers. I'll wait til you get back so we can discuss its greatness. Well ok, I'm done.

P.S. - A Trancer is someone with a weak mind that the villian controls with his mind that he uses to fight Jack Deth. They are in a zombie state of mind (and look). hear that? I think the ground just shook.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Thing (1982)

John Carpenter's The Thing is a movie that any fan of horror....or any fan of movies for that matter really needs to see. I just worship everything this movie throws at the audience. Its funny, tense, unpredictable, gorey, exciting. It's got a lot of great qualities that make a good movie...well good.

The Thing will have you cheering for more and more within the first few minutes. The title sequence alone is enough to get anyone off. I personally have a "hunger" to watch the movie every few months. I can watch it over and over and still be scared every now and again.

The actors in this movie are great. There are a lot of well known faces in the movie along with its headliner - Mr. Kurt Russell...who is just awesome at anything. My opinion anyway. I can't recall any other movie where he has a big ol bushy beard either. Anyway...he plays the perfect leader type throughout the film and his ideas are brilliant. I'd want him on my side if this shit went down near me.

The look of the movie is great. The whole idea of it being in Antarctica is even better. It's so pure, so deserted, so perfect for chaos to ensue. The effects are top notch. If only movies these days can take a lesson from this movie and use the props they did here to strike fear into the hearts of viewers. Instead of the over reliance of CGI to get the feel they want. I'll keep my personal CGI feelings at bay for the sake of the review. :) There's enough gore to satisfy any gorehound and when it happens...well let me put it this way...when it happens you'll be sitting up screaming HOLY SHIT! You WONT see it coming and it is just so awesome when it does.

I really never heard anything about the movie when I first picked it up. That's probably why it holds a special place in my heart. I was looking for movies I'd never seen when I came across this beauty. I saw John Carpenter....then I saw Kurt Russell, so I really had no choice but to rent it. Its not too often that I'm actually BLOWN away after watching a movie, but this was one of them. I was begging for more far after the credits were done rolling.

The only thing I can find fault at is the DVD presentation itself. Not the movie or anything but the menus. I guess I was a little disappointed with the look of a collector edition DVD. Seemed too generic for me I guess.

To conclude....just watch this movie. Everyone is entitled to their opinion...but mine says this is epic horror gold. I say you MUST see this...I doubt you'll be disappointed.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

If I was to describe this movie in one word, it would be FUN! This film has a special place in my heart because the first time I saw it was during Halloween night 2003. I rented 5 horror films I've never seen before and this movie was the first one to kick off my night. Every Halloween since then I've held a horror movie marathon, and thus far every year has been an undying success.

The Return of the Living Dead is a film not to be taken seriously. It is made to be a horror/comedy. I think it's a lot of fun watching the characters, seeing one continuous blunder after another as a simple containment breach escalates into a massive cemetery revival. It does break a lot of the rules of your traditional zombie film, but if you can accept that, it makes it a lot of fun. Things like zombies running, eating brains, talking, etc. But after watching the featurette on the dvd, it was something they set out to do. There were competing against Romero at the time and they really didn't want to tread on his territory so they took the vision of a zombie in a different direction...and I loved it.

There are so many things that make this film great to watch. Most of the characters are tolerable and seem to have a good grip on things. Like most horror films, theres at least one person that can't handle shit so they fly off the handle, but it wasn't very bothersome. The comedy was great throughout, not so much as in one-liners, but more with how the characters and zombies acted. And as a bonus, the "Tar-Man", is probably the coolest zombie I've ever seen. I go nuts everytime the skeleton sits up out of the ground and as his eyes and mouth open wide, we hear this rock-n-roll "You Wanna Party!?!?" song hit. I love it.

Some of the special effects are lacking, but it doesn't detour the story any. Just keep in mind it is mid-eighties and they didn't have a very big budget.

I recommend it highly, it will never win any amazing award for excellence, but it is worth a watch and I for one am proud to own this precious gem.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Last House on the Left (2009) remake

Reality is the single most terrifying subject a horror film could use. I'm not talking about "based on a true story" or that B.S., I'm talking real situations with real people that we all try to write off as something that really doesn't happen. I guess if we all had to live with the fact that there really is evil people out there hell bent on hurting you (and not just physically) I'm sure we'd all go insane. It's so much easier to deny ourselves our evil half and focus on more "happy" things. So before I continue I think I should let anyone who has yet to see this film know what exactly it is they're getting into.

I'll try to keep this spoiler free but its hard to with a subject matter such as this. Along with other horror films this one has its blood and some fair gore. Thank god for that because without it I would feel a lot less comfortable watching this film. The Last House on the Left will pull at your emotions. It will shove reality in your face. It will make you think twice. This is one of those films that you really do not want your children to watch. Although while in their early teenage state it might be a useful tool to show them the way of this world. The main subject matter (***and if you don't want to know skip to the next paragraph) is of some nasty people raping a 17 year old girl and killing her friend. Honestly was one of the hardest things not to turn away from in my life. I forced myself to watch it. I did not enjoy it in any way but I do not regret it either. It's good for the human condition to get a reminder every once in a while that these things happen to innocent people. Other things you can look forward to is vengeful parents. Revenge is a dish best served cold....fuck that noise, this baby just came out of the oven. Once the parents got started I wasn't sure how to feel. I guess the same thing happened with The Mist, I've never been so happy to see something be killed....and I don't know if that's a good thing.

This movie is truly terrifying. I personally love watching bad movies and stupid outlandish movies. I love them because there really isn't anything to connect to. I don't have to worry about aliens coming in and eating me. In this fim its just so awful what goes down. It really hooks you in and tears at your heart. I swear my insides were fluttering for 60% of the film. It was just that tense and heartbreaking. I would never call this movie cool or awesome. Actually, I'm not sure how I would tell someone about this movie. I guess I'd just have to let them know what they're in store for.

Alright moving on with my review...the cast. Great cast. All of them were great actors and did a very convincing job. There is a lot of heavy emotion and crying involved and it was good to see people good at what they do. Some of the more familiar faces in this movie are Garret Dillahunt, whom you may have caught as a cyborg on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Also there's Monica Potter, who was in films like Saw and Con Air. And finally a surprise to me, Martha MacIsaac, who was the love interest in the funny movie Superbad. The direction of Dennis Iliadis is great. According to IMDb he doesn't have much of a resume but I'm sure with this film he will be getting a few more jobs. I thought the look and feel of everything was just horrifying. Atmosphere is everything.

So by the end of the film you are satisfied with yourself. I saw it in a drive in and so many people left after the nasty parts. I knew better and waited for the sweet sweet ending. With a film such as this you need closure in order to move on with your life. At least for the immediate future proceeding it. Stick around, you'll love what happens. Just be sure you can handle it.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Kindred (1987)

These are the movies that I live for. I've always had a soft spot for cool monster movies and The Kindred is exactly that. The formula of the film is similar to that of a slasher movie with the basic set up and a few random (really cool) deaths and the final showdown. Well I guess that formula is used a lot...but its used here quite excellently.

I liked all the characters. The acting is by no means oscar quality, but the characters were pretty fun loving and carefree. I guess I didn't get attached to really anyone and had any of them died at any point it wouldn't have detoured from the overall ending result of the film. I don't know if that's good or bad...but I enjoyed it.

The Kindred is purely entertainment. I have a bad taste in movies...meaning I love bad movies. I highly doubt any critic would even wanna look at this film, but I enjoyed every minute of it. I'm very happy I spent the dollar for it at the pawn shop. I have never heard of it before then...but I was familiar with it distributor VESTRON video and I've enjoyed many of their titles so I figured what the hell.

The special effects are AWESOME. There all kinds of sweet sweet gore all throughout this baby. Anthony (the "creature" hybrid in this film) is one bad ass mofo. He enjoys shoving his tentacles into people's faces, tearing people apart, eating small dogs, and on occassion has been known to turn people into amphibious lifeforms. FUCK YEAH!!

The Kindred does get confusing, but what low budget 80's horror classic isn't. That's why they're so much fun...plenty of mindless sweet ass kills all wrapped around a pretty basic plot all told to an already proven formula. How could you go wrong? If you get a chance to see this bitch...I give it 3 thumbs up!

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Descent (2005)

There's something about a chick dripping in blood, a torch in one hand, a femur in the other, and going medieval on a cave creature's ass that just gives me a hard on.

The Descent is just an amazing film. Anticipation and the unknown are what drive this movie. There really isn't much to "see" in the first hour of the movie, but there's still enough reality going on to make anyone tremble in their seat. The scene were they go through a VERY narrow opening was almost hard to watch because I am slightly claustrophobic myself and I could almost feel the walls closing in on me.

Once the shit hits the fan though, it is just a hell-storm from that point to the end. Pure, unrelenting terror. It's well worth the wait just to see the chaos and the ending. The cave "crawlers" are scary as hell. They seem to pop up out of EVERYWHERE, and being they have the ability to climb virtually anywhere, its no surprise for them to just...show up.

The Descent is a film that should, neh MUST, be seen by anyone fascinated in horror. It deals with so many aspects of terror. Death of family and friends, startles, fear of the unknown, fear of isolation. Its all there. You can even view it as a metaphorical film, showing "The Descent" into madness.

From my understanding, the US version DVD has a different "happier" ending, which I strongly suggest you avoid, because the Unrated Original Version's ending is much darker and much better.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Dead Pit (1989)

If dressing smokin hot insane babes in plain white slim panties and cut off shirts is wrong, I don't want to be right. Who knew thats the way they dressed mental patients in 1989? Probably not but it does add something nice to look at during the slower parts of this film.

The Dead Pit...finally a movie that I've watched that I wouldn't be entirely upset if hollywood got their grimey hands on it and remade the damn thing. The premise is promising and could be fun. It is my understanding that the entire process for this movie was rushed (i.e. the script was written in 3 weeks) so that could be some of the reasons it could have been better, but all in all I didn't hate it. I definately see how someone could take this movie and revamp it a bit to make it better.

So what the hell am I talking about? The beginning could have been so much worse. By worse I mean cooler. They definately needed to portray the killer as being even sicker than he was. His "experiments" on the brain were pretty cool but poorly executed on film. The insanity at the hospital was a bit over done for my tastes...too much screaming and cliche patients. Again, not all that bothersome. The actors they picked were not powerful enough, pretty lame when they needed to be better. Then there's some plot holes...but what would a classic 80's horror film be without them?

So what's good about it? The fucking skull crushing. I almost shit myself when that fucking zombie tore that fucking security guys skull open and feasting on his fucking brains! That was really fucking awesome! The melting zombies were actually pretty cool. The ending left me actually pretty satisfied. The entire "plan" to stop the evil and send it back to hell worked for me. I thought it was pretty plausable considering the situation and worked well for me. Kudos to you. AND finally...that smokin hot lead babe. She's great to look at during the film, has excellent assets (wet t-shirt that gets torn off scene...mmmm...) and her screams aren't irritating as hell.

So to say the least its worth a watch. Its not worth the $13 I paid for it and will never get back, but it was worth the watch anyway. I'm sure I'll get around to the special features included on the 2-disc set and it will suade me to appreciate it more. My advice would be to rent it and then never think about it again.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)

Yet another disappointing remake graces our coveted theatres. I was really hoping I would enjoy it, but in the end I was just disappointed. I think this is the first time I've strolled into a movie having already seen the original and then comparing it to the remake. I understand now how enraged some of you get when they trample on your beloved movies. The story started out great. It was right on par with the original but really spiffied up. The basic craft landing in central park was blown up to epic proportions and I rather liked that. It was great seeing it done that way. Then about a third of the way the film switched gears and took a different direction but at the same time adding in pieces of the original storyline. Thats where this film lost me. This film completely loses the entire purpose of the original.

The heart is gone and all that is left is a pretty looking skin that looks nice but is really not effective in any way. The effects in this movie are awesome. There is an over abundance of CGI usage in this film which I am usually against, but since it was a major motion picture I assumed that it would be there and I actually wasn't put off by any of it. It looked great! I guess in my mind so long as they stay away from creating humans with computer technology, it probably isn't so bad.

What most disappointed me about this film were the main character Klato and his trusty sidekick robot Gort. They presented Klato as some high strung a-hole forcing his views on the people. As much as I love how they gave him powers, I really hated the way he was portrayed. They completely lost the point of him coming to Earth and living amongst us for a short period. There was no happiness and understanding...he just magically understands at one point in the movie. As far as Gort...totally wrong. As cool as he is as a behemoth, they totally lost the point of his presence too. Sure it vaguely ties in, but there is no genius explanation for him like there was at the end of the original. The whole military thing about them naming him pissed me off too. I actually mumbled swearwords to myself. In the end it actually wasn't that awful. If you love the original you are gonna hate it, but at least theres Jennifer Connelly to look at most of the time and the special effects are top notch. Its pretty to look at, but all the soul of the original is lost on this one.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Curse (1987)

Alright a horror film that really makes you think. The Curse does something that a lot of horror movies don't, scare you with reality. Some films have monsters, others use brutal violence, but this one attacks you with something we use everyday...water.

Yes its true, The Curse is all about contaminating the drinking water. The movie basically goes like this...mysterious glowing orb crashes by farmhouse from space. Some ooey gooey stuff leaks into the ground and into the water supply. Everything and everybody on the farm drinks the water. Now they all go crazy and turn into nasty alien killing machines. Doesn't that just sound like such a great film? Well I thought it was.

The film stars young, early Star Trek TNG star, Wil Wheaton. I honestly thought he was terribly annoying on the TV show but here on the big screen he wasn't too bad. Along side of him is his sister Amy Wheaton who does an equally splendid job. Otherwise there's the hard ass father, the cheating mother, and the annoying brother. The rest of the characters are there to help the plot along. The central focus is on the family itself.

The story is wonderful in so many ways. The film itself is scary because it really makes you think about how hard it would be to get by if indeed your water supply was tainted. It also could be presented as a metaphor for adultery and sinning. Punishment for those that do wrong. As the story progresses the characters act foolishly and do terrible things I.E. cheating, beating on kids, and in the end they get theirs. The innocent ones survive.

Now the ooey gooey part of the story. The majority of the film is just the family but in the last third of the film things start to get a little gross. I love it. Since everything drinks the water all the animals go nuts and attack the humans for no reason. Also all the plants are gross. They look fine on the outside but when you open them up theres all this ooze shit or maggots inside them. Finally the humans start turning. They start out with huge pimples, then mutate into some witch type looking thing, and then finally melting into a gooey puddle. Oh joy.

So what I did hate about the movie was the ending. For me I thought the ending was really weak. I thought there would be more. It started out with the ending first but they never tied it back to that. It just ended. I fucking hate that! I thought there would be more exploration and explanation they were building up to but it just ended. Ok whatever, the film was still enjoyable.

So if you get a chance to watch it its worth it. Its fun and campy if you're into that kinda thing. Theres definite grossness but also something more intellectual about it for those of a higher mind. From my understanding there's a sequel (in name only) which is combined together on DVD. Keep an eye out, for the right price its definately worth having in your collection.