Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween everybody!

Hey, I just wanted to say HAPPY HALLOWEEN! everyone. It's been a crazy month. The countdown, the facebook game (which is not yet over with), the amazing amount of hours of movies I've watched this month (to be totalled soon) and tonight is HALLOWEEN HORROR NIGHT! The one day of the year that I pull back the reigns of badness and enjoy 3 absolutely terrifyingly GOOD horror movies. I've done some research and these three sound awesome:

The Exorcism of Emily Rose
IMDb rating: 6.7/10
I've owned this for several years and have not yet watched it. I pass by it because I keep wanting to save it for Halloween. 2011 is it's year to shine.

IMDb rating: 7.0/10
I finally found a copy just this month! It's fate I tell you. I wanted to watch this last year for the epic baby day horror theme but I got screwed out of that one so it will get its chance right here tonight.

American Psycho
IMDb rating: 7.5/10
I've heard so many people say so many good things about this movie. And it only seems fitting that THIS be my final movie I watch this month.

Happy Halloween everyone! You have yourself a scaaaaary night!

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 31


Meh, I'd have given up my sanity for a Ham Sandwich. But this was more fun.

All that was left after the Killer Shrews? What the fuck does that mean?

The Killer Shrews is a movie I struggled with TWICE. Both times watching it with the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 crew. I tried so hard both times to get through it but I just thought it was so bad that I could just never find any reason to finish it. But then I decided upon the Insanity Countdown...and of course The Killer Shrews immediately came to mind. And it's kind of funny because I had originally bought this for the winner of the Bad Movie Battle Royale. I hadn't watched it when I bought it...but then I watched it and felt so bad that I went out and got something else.

And I'm glad I did. This thing is so much better without the riffing.

This is your standard monster movie on an island. I only assume that every other person that used this concept stole it from this movie. A group of people come to an island to meet a scientist. He's been working on mutating Killer Shrews. Now there's a group of giant Shrews running around. They need to eat 3 times their weight in food every 24 hours to survive so they're running around hungry and mad as hell.

That is really all there is to it. The greatness that comes from this movie is in its execution. You will love this movie for all of its unintended consequences. Like the Shrews themselves: They put a mask on a dog and make it run around. Nearly every time they make an appearance, they're hilarious.

This movie is classic. Must see, must own. I never thought I'd like it this much but I do. And at a hair over an hour long you can't go wrong. This is a good time for any party.

Click here to watch the full movie on YouTube.

Chainsaw Mafia: 13 movies you SHOULD be watching this Halloween!

We are well into October and I know I don’t have to tell you that Halloween is just around the corner. As a horror writer, the month of October is a special time. It’s that time of the year when I get to do countdowns, host marathons and write about them. It’s that wonderful time of year when old classics like The Evil Dead come back to theatres for one night only midnight showings. And it’s also that time of year when I get to compile a list of :

13 Movies You Should Be Watching This Halloween Season!

I’ve seen a lot of lists over the years. Everything from the top 10 best horror movies of all time to the top 10 worst horror movies of all time. I know we all have a pretty good handle on what good horror movies there are out there. Myself, I prefer the obscure and ridiculous. I like the kinds of movies that are extremely entertaining but at the same time terrifying. So this Halloween season I wanted to compile a list of 13 horror movies you SHOULD be watching. This is a list for those of you that are looking for something new to spice up your October. Something like…

Sunday, October 30, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 30

Oh it was close this morning. I got out of I fucking launched out of bed, ANGRY. I was at a Halloween party last night, pretty much the first one there and for realz the last one out. And couple hours of sleep later I"m walking up to watch some shitty movie. UGH. I had stood there and that question FINALLY popped in my head, "Does this REALLY matter anymore?" At first I was like, fuck no. I'm going back to bed. Then I took a half a second and just remembered tomorrow is the last day. I'm so close. Quitting now would be like dropping out of college in the last semester. Just fucking stupid.

One more day. One more day. One more day.

The Wizard of Gore is exactly that. The Wizard of Gore. He's a fucking magician dude that gores the fuck out of chicks. But what's awesome is that they seem ok afterwards.

Until a couple days later. Then they drop like flies. Then some detectives try to figure this thing out. And then what's even better is The Wizard fucking hypnotizes everyone over the TV. I won't spoil what happens but holy shit that was cool. They were all like, come on TV and he was like sure. And then he hynpnotized EVERYONE.

The central theme driving this movie would have to be: What is Reality. Is what you see what you get? Is he really goring this people? Are they dead or alive? What the fuck is going on?

You can take a lot from this movie. Especially the mutilation. That's awesome. Hershell Gordon Lewis, you are my hero. I feel so ashamed that I ever doubted your amazing 70s power. Your movies are even overthetop grotesque to this day. That's power man.

Fuck I'm tired. No coffee, no nothing. Must sleep more now. Can't type for shit.

I love October so hard.

I could only find the trailers for the Wizard of Gore remake (which I must see now) so please enjoy this clip.

And if you liked that, please check out the movie in its entirety HERE.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 29

Sanity - Gable, you gotta quit doing this to me. These "naps" you call a good nights sleep are just not good enough to sustain me. I need more.

Gable - Fuck you, Vincent Price is on.

Sanity - Gable, I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. I am you and you are me. If I go, you go. So please, please shut off the movie and go back to bed.


Sanity - Umm...I don't know who October is but I'm your Sanity.

Gable - This is a trick. I'm getting an axe.

Sanity - You don't have an axe.

Gable - (returns with knife) You know what Sanity, when you're right, you're right.

Sanity - Put the knife down.

Gable - All you had to do is just stay out of my way. Keep your mouth shut. You just couldn't do it could you?

Sanity - Gable please, listen to yourself. This has gone way too far. End this, save us BOTH.

Gable - You know what I want to save?

Sanity - no what?

Gable - Enough of you to last until Halloween.

Sanity - Gable, no. You don't understand. NO GABLE! NO PUT IT DOWN EEEEEYYYYAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

Gable - HAHAHAHAHA I learned this move from Michael Myers.

Sanity - NOOOOOOO UUUUUGRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!! garble garble garble

Gable - Good. Now go bleed out in the corner so I can finish this movie.

OH SHIT IT'S THE OFFSPRING! I love that band!

Actually, the band has more to do with this poster art than this movie does. There really isn't any Offspring in this movie. It's just Vincent Price going on and on about his haunted house and all the evil things that have spawned from it.

What The Offspring IS, is an anthology movie. There are 4 spooky stories told around one wraparound story...told by Vincent Price. Fuck that's awesome. And it's fitting too because I know Price has done other anthology movies before and it's just poetic that he's doing it now in his later years.

I'll go ahead and talk about each story first that way you can get a feel for what's going on.

In the first segment, Clu Galager plays a nerdy looking dude who lives with and cares for his sister. He has the hots for this one chick but she just has absolutely no respect for him. After a series of unfortunate events, he ends up killing her. And then he kills his sister...and her unborn zombie child (whom is obviously incestual) escapes her womb and kills Clu.

The second story is about a white dude and an old black dude out in the bayou. The white dudes a good for nothing street punk and through the story he discovers that the black dude is MUCH older than he seems. Hundreds of years old. He oversees him drinking some potion and wants some for himself. After he tries to kill the black guy, the black guy returns from the swamp gives him what he has coming to him: 70 years of a painful existence.

The third story takes place at a carnival. All of the freaks are ACTUAL freaks spawned by a voodoo priestess. So the main guy eats glass and metal...because the voodoo bitch cursed him to do so. One guy has an eye on his chest. It's pretty fucking sweet.

The fourth story is about a group of dudes in the civil war. They are good/bad guys. What I mean is that they fight for the war but they care nothing for the rules of war. Do you want to surrender? They don't care, they will shoot you anyways. Well, they get what they have coming to them when they meet up with a group of murderous little kids and their leader the magistrate.

The wraparound story revolves around a woman put to death. That woman's sister is a reporter and trying to figure out what the hell she did. She ends up at Vincent Price's house and he tells these tales of woe all spawning from the very house/town that he lives in.

I liked this movie even though it's pretty bland. The stories would make fairly decent tv episodes. They aren't anything spectacular or mind blowing. They are a fun little romp for the Halloween season though. I would suggest watching this and Trick r Treat back to back. That would get you into the Halloween spirit no doubt.

When you strip it all away and get down to it, it's a fairly decent horror movie(s) with Vincent Price. You know you need to see this. (Originally titled From a Whisper to a Scream, which is available on Netflix Instant under that name.)

Friday, October 28, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 28

THREE DAYS TIL HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNN!!! I'm so close to finishing out this month. My sanity is teetering on the edge. It's all like, wwwwOOOOOOOO, I can fucking fly motherfucker! Then I reel it in with a giant fishing hook but it keeps pulling. It wants to jump. WHY DOES IT KEEP LAUGHING AT ME? Why would my very own sanity laugh in my face. It's like the Joker.  Maybe I should just let it go. I'm getting tired of keeping it in check. If that stupid fucker is dumb enough to jump, then let him jump.

What's the worst that could happen?

Presenting the final feature voted upon by you, the Reality Readers for
the 31 Baddest Days of Halloween! 

You guys are assholes.

Motorhome Massacre not only lives up to its title but it expands the boundaries of what makes bad....bad. There is so much win and so much fail in this movie that you can't help but smash your fists into your cheeks and look at it in wide eyed wonder. Is this the greatest movie ever? Yes. Is this the worst movie ever? Yes. Will I watch this movie again? Yes. Will I regret it? Yes.

I'm sure you can figure out the story. Group of smokin hot teens, many of them cliches, and ALL of the girls have huge tits, get a motorhome and go for a trip. They get there and then the massacre starts. Also, you get to see boobs.

For every kill that is fucking amazing, there are at least 2 that are just pathetic. Say...the killer ties a rope to a tent and hoists it up into a tree...and then stabs the shit out of the tent. But then not a second later just stabs some dude between the arm and side of the body. UGH! It's so epic and so terrible at the same time. BUT THEY DON'T CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT! Why? I don't know. This movie doesn't play by least not the rules as I understand them.

You know what, I'm going to say that all of you out there need to see this movie. It's possible that you can use it as a weapon against your friends when their being dicks. But I think it's more possible that you'll be laughing at how stupid this movie is. It's so unintentional but so so good. The finale will blow your mind.

It's love. Love fails us all.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 27

Fucking SHOWGIRLS 2 MAN! That's going to be fucking awesome. The gal that starred in the first one wrote/directed/and stars in this sequel. And it looks fucking awful. It will be the peak of badness this year, I have no doubt. It'd better come to fucking theatres. If The Room can play at the theatre every month then this movie can slip in for a showing. It will be amazing.

What is wrong with me?

October. You're doing things to me I never thought possible. Thank you!


Fun filled vacation my ass. This is awful. Bad for you. Bad for me. Bad for everyone.

This movie just lacks in everything. When there is a cool part, it's over pretty quick and then we're back to shit. If this movie had more of what was in its title, then everything would be wonderful. More zombies. More of the island. More Massacres. ALL OF IT. DO MORE!

Attention all low budget Slasher filmmakers: Nobody cares about your characters. Make ONE likable/relatable character. All your audience wants to see is bloodshed and boobs. Give them that and do that decently and you'll be well on your way to the horror movie hall of fame.

This movie does do one thing right. There are a couple of nice boob shots. The movie opens up with a shower scene. That was a wise decision. Not only did it get me pumped up for the rest of the movie, it instantly grabbed my attention for an otherwise bad movie experience.

The story far as I can tell (I was a little distracted by Showgirls 2 this morning) is that this group of people goes to an island for some relaxation. They participate in a voodoo ritual. It's supposed to be for show but it ends up FOR REAL. (This is the part I missed on, it could have been a completely different ritual but it doesn't matter) So these people think there's a zombie after them, trying to kill and eat them. So they run away, end up in one place for entirely too long, get attacked, stay where they were attacked, don't really ever bother to prepare themselves for the next confrontation, and meet up with a rickety old big game zombie hunter.

But, upon further thought, I think someone should make a porn parody. THAT would be good. The hardcore sex would fill up the stretches between killing instead of pointless dialogue. Zombie Island Maxxacore? Maybe, give your suggestions below.

I wished the Triple B-o-D would have decided on Blood Hook instead. These movies are on a triple pack of movies I own. It's nice and all but this is the only one I didn't care to watch. Oh well, I guess this is as good a reason as any to get rid of it. Now I'll never have to watch it again!


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 26

The light in the tunnel grows more rainbowish with each passing day. The pumpkin on the roof is laughing at me. I talk to big blue bowls. I punch imaginary clowns (cuz they deserve it) and worship at the alter of Atkins. Sleep is relative. Badness is life. Lead the churches to the answer. The one and only true answer. Ulli Lommel.

Resistance is Futile.


Psychologists, listen up! To understand madness is to watch an Ulli Lommel movie. To help out your clients, you NEED to rent these movies. Analyze them...if you dare. Analyzing a Lommel movie MAY drive yourself insane. But if you survive will live forever.

That brings us to The Devonsville Terror.

I somehow owned this movie for a long time and never knew it was an Ulli Lommel movie. That's a good thing. I wonder how many other phantoms there are hiding in there. Once I found out that I owned one, I nearly cried. I had hoped that my Lommel torture was over and I could enjoy the rest of the Halloween season. WRONG.

This movie is different than the ones I've watched because the ones I've watched are current movies from the last decade. The Devonsville Terror is from 1983. Knowing that, I went into this movie open minded. Maybe somewhere down the line, he drove himself mad and now that's all that is left for him to shoot.

The Devonsville Terror is about the town of Devonsville. 300 years ago, the town burned three women they believed to be witches. Now, the town is still overly religious and a new woman has moved into town. Shortly after some evil things happen and the town starts to believe that this woman is the reincarnation of those three witches all that time ago.

This movie isn't as shittastic as the other 3 Lommel movies I watched. This one is fairly interesting and has a lot to love about it. It's not the greatest movie ever and personally, I'm not a huge witch fan. If you dig old witch stories, then I'm certain you'll like this movie. Also, that creature on the cover makes an appearance.

What to love: They set witches on fire. That's awesome. The best one was they strapped a witch to a wagon wheel. They set the wheel on fire and then rolled the wheel down a hill. HAHAHAHA

And at the climax of the movie, three guys are quickly disposed of in a fucking awesome manor. All three involve their heads and axes/explosions/and melting. It was awesome.

As for the story, it's fairly simple. Just an old witch burning and some religious nuts looking to keep witches out of their town. They get their comeuppance and that's why it's awesome. Plus it's only like 80 minutes long so that's not too bad.

Holy fuck, I liked this movie. WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEEEEEE!?!?!?

Here's the full movie if you'd like to watch it.


The Halloween Spirit is getting stronger within this one. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 25

I had this huge rant ready to go this morning. I woke up this morning and genius hit me. I knew exactly what to say today. It was all so clear. Then I watched 90 minutes of the above image killing people and...and now I just can't fucking remember.

Where in time are we?

I was 99% sure this movie was going to suck ass. Cover's like that just never go over well. And this is an italian production. My experience with Italian productions is either hit or miss. BUT, what I have learned is that if you have an Italian production and the cover art looks fucking stupid...then you have yourself one hell of a movie.

Screamers ISN'T about men turned inside out. Actually that never even happens. What does happen is FISHPEOPLE. Fishpeople from the lost city of Atlantis. You see, this hapless crew of a sunken ship happens upon this island. A few of them are killed by the fishthings and they run into other humans. These humans are scientists and natives working together. They are communicating with the fish creatures for the purpose of getting all their gold.

That make any sense to any of you?

This movie is really fucking cool. The opening scene was out of this world. From that point forward, it's still really cool. People are killed at a fairly decent pace and when they break down and start telling a story, it's so imaginative and crazy that you can't wait to see where they go next.

I don't know if any of you know who Barbara Bach is...

She's ready to kill you if you don't.

...but she is the bond girl from The Spy Who Loved Me. (She also starred in The Unseen, Caveman, and The Humanoid) AND she also stars in Screamers. Barbara is a gorgeous woman. Even though she is fully clothed in this movie, she is stunning enough that it doesn't matter.

And finally, you should check out this discussion on the IMDb boards. It goes over WHY the opening scene is so awesome and all of the struggles this movie had during its release. It was released under several different names, footage was reshot, why there aren't any inside out people, really interesting stuff.

That being said, I really liked this movie. I watched Lucio Fulci's CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD yesterday and I would say that I liked this movie as much as I liked that one. I only compare them because they are both Italian productions and the gore is about on the same level. Although, Fulci's head crushing, gut spewings were much grosser. But Screamers holds it's own. Good pacing, interesting story, fishmen, evil scientist, evil rich white guy that wants to be richer, fun musical score, and Barbara Bach. You can't go wrong!

Monday, October 24, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 24


I've experienced several brain aneurisms over the course of the last few weeks but we're on the home stretch. After today we are down to 7 days left to drive myself insane. I've managed to keep my cool with the lady. No outbursts. No nothing. Her happiness is my pain. It's awesome.

Speaking of....have any of you ever put peanut butter on a hamburger? It's fucking awesome.

I would like to know what your expectations for this movie are. Are you expecting some thrill a minute excitementathon where you are on the edge of your seat completely enveloped in the story and emotionally attached to the characters? Or are you like me and just looking to see a group of teen nobodies get their freak on and get murdered VIOLENTLY!

God bless America. That is exactly what happens.

The basic underlining story is a guy has to go to his old man's cabin to close it down for winter. He tells his friends and they all decide that they're going to go there with him for the weekend to get a little R&R. They get there, play a riveting game of Monopoly, and start getting killed in awesome ways. Like this one chick for example, he captures her and hold an axe to her throat...but that's not enough. He drags her into the toolshed, puts her on the workbench, jams a huge hook into her vagina (see hook above), THEN takes the axe to her. WOW.

This movie fullfilled every expectation I had for it...which was absolutely none. I just really wanted to see lots different kills with different weapons. This movie delivered. I don't care about the characters, I don't care about the killer, nobody fucking cares. At least the filmmakers knew that. They just wanted to put out a sweet little slasher movie that will gross out your girlfriend.

I guess what I didn't care for is they didn't conceal the killer at all. I guess it doesn't matter but I always loved that obvious "twist" ending. They think they're so clever but they just aren't. Oh well, whatever.

And the Mutilator took too fucking long to kill the teens. There was a good half hour there where he just let them live. WHAT THE FUCK! That's ok, in the end it was worth it. Most of them got their just desserts. Because they're teenagers...and teenagers need to die. (I say that with confidence because I myself am not a teenager and don't plan on being one ever good riddance)

The Mutilator. I completely forgettable movie but a great time waster. I suggest watching this with a group of people that like talking during movies. There's no need to listen to the story, just pay attention when someone dies.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 23

Memory fading. Fading. Faaaaaaading. Gone. I completely forgot about badnetflix last night. I was out and about for the first two movies but I had planned on coming home and joining in on the third. Got home...straight to bed. FFFFUUUUUU!!!!!

Oh well. I got an extra hour of sleep last night. I'm feeling kinda good. At least for a couple more hours. HAHAHAHA

You all need to the official website and spend $20 so you can get Incest Death Squad 1 and 2. It's fucking worth it.

Going into this, I expected something above the line of Ulli Lommel. (NOTHING can go under that line. Absolutely nothing.) I also figured it'd be filmed with camera phone. What I got instead was an actually decently directed movie, fairly well lit, and shot on a decent camera! And TITS, there's all kinds of nice ole tits in this movie.

If you love sleaze, you'll love this movie. It will blow your world up! There's a special place in hell for all of the people that watch this movie and smile.

The story is something like a reporter hears there's murders going on in this small WI town so he goes to check it out. There's this brother/sister team dragging people back to their place to kill them because they're a bunch of sinners. Also, they Incest each other. The reporter catches up with them and gets initiated into their little gang of killers. He denies, they let him go. Everyone lives happily ever after.

I hate to say this but it just goes to show you that MN just can't beat WI. Vikings/Packers. Strip Club Slasher/Incest Death Squad. There's something sick in the water over there. (That doesn't mean we'll give up though. The movie world hasn't met me yet)

Incest Death Squad is fucking awesome. Just so much unauthorized anal entry. And not with penises.


This post is for the facebook game I'm participating in. This really doesn't have anything to do with any of my readers, I just need to post a weekly update of all the movies I've watched all week. But by all means, feel free to check it out. There's a lot of greatness going on here.

Strip Club Slasher
99 minutes
IMDb Rating: 2.8/10
Gable's Rating: 3/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: There's nudity, A character trips and falls while being pursued by the killer, the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie.
Total Killcount: 11
Review: I give it a 3/10 because there's a lot of nudity in this movie...but it still manages to suck. 

Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers
88 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.5/10
Gable's Rating: 5/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: This movie takes place on Halloween, This is a sequel 4 or higher, the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie.
Total Killcount: 12
Review: I give it a 5/10 because I had seen this movie a long time ago and thought it was pretty terrible. Watching it now...not entirely as bad as I remember. Better than Resurrection that's for sure.

Halloween: H20
86 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.4/10
Gable's Rating: 7/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: This movie takes place on Halloween, it's a sequel 4 or higher, and the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie.
Total Killcount: 7
Review: I give it a 7/10 because I've always liked this movie. I think it's a fun little slasher. I see it as the Bride of Chucky of the Halloween series.

Halloween: Resurrection
94 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.9/10
Gable's Rating: 1/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: This movie takes place on Halloween, it's a sequel 4 or higher, and the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie.
Total Killcount: 11
Review: I give it a 1/10 because this movie can suck my taint.

90 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.9/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: There are none.
Total Killcount: 6
Review: I give it a 10/10 because this movie is a lot of fun. There's aliens and secret government officials and there's a killer mammoth on the loose and there's SUMMER GLAU and TOM SKERRIT! FUCK YES!

Don't Go in the House
82 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.1/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: There's nudity, a person trips and falls while being pursued by the killer.
Total Killcount: 5
Review: I give it a 8/10 because this movie is AMAZING. A psycho killer (like Norman Bates) brings women home so he can strip them down, tie them up, and torch them with a flame thrower. That spells win! If they would have had one more kill between his first killing and the finale I would've given it a 10 but it just kinda fell flat for awhile.

Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (the movie, not the show)
86 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.3/10
Gable's Rating: 9/10
Bonus Points: None.
Total Killcount: 2 (that I could see, probably more)
Review: I give it a 9/10 because I've always loved this movie. Joss Whedon is awesome. And so is Kristy Swanson. I give it a 9 because they killed Donald Sutherland far too early. Plus Paul Reuben is in this. That's fucking awesome! "You just ruined my new jacket, KILL HIM A LOT!"

Curse of the Zodiac
82 minutes
IMDb Rating: 1.3/10
Gable's Rating: 0/10
Total Killcount: 8
Review: I give it a 0/10 because you will get cancer from watching this movie.

High Plains Invaders
85 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.0/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: A character trips and falls, and someone says that they'll be right back.
Total Killcount: 9
Review: I give it a 8/10 because I love the maneater movies. This is just another in a long line of amazing maneater movies.

Zombie Nation
81 minutes
IMDb Rating: 1.6/10
Gable's Rating: 1/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: there's nudity.
Total Killcount: 4
Review: I give it a 1/10 because this movie blows. Not any fun at all. I also call it a slasher movie because 75% of the movie is a slasher movie. Some dude killing chicks. Then at the end they come back to get their revenge.

Night of the Creeps
88 minutes
IMDb Rating: 6.6/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: There's nudity, stars Tom Atkins 
Total Killcount: 5
Review: I give it a 10/10 because this movie is perfect. This is one of my favorite movies of all time.

The Evil Dead
85 minutes
IMDb Rating: 7.6/10
Gable's Rating: 9/10
Bonus Points: There's nudity, stars Bruce Campbell, a character trips and falls while being pursued by demons, and the final girl is a guy. (You can't kill Bruce)
Total Killcount: 3
Review: I give it a 9/10 because the only thing better than Evil Dead 1 is Evil Dead 2.

The Bloody Ape
77 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.5/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: there's nudity.
Total Killcount: 11
Review: I give it a 8/10 because there's an ape on the loose and he's murdering everyone. I call it a slasher because if it wasn't an ape, you wouldn't ever know that it isn't a slasher. He slits throats and axes people. HAHAHAHA

Rest in Pieces
90 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.6/10
Gable's Rating: 5/10
Bonus Points: There's nudity.
Total Killcount: 7
Review: I give it a 5/10 because this movie is ok. I was glad I watched it but I never need to see it again.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (remake)
95 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.1/10
Gable's Rating: 2/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: A character trips and falls while being chased by Freddy, someone says it's going to be alright.
Total Killcount: 6
Review: I give it a 2/10 because this movie fucked up everything. They took the molester angle. Fuck you. If they would have just tried to be original with it, it could have been better. Don't try to recreate iconic scenes: freddy in the wall, the chick getting tossed around in the bedroom and sliced, and even the bathtub scene. All wrong.

Halloween (1978)
91 minutes
IMDb Rating: 7.8/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: Takes place on Halloween, Killer's face is obscured, Nudity, Someone says I'll be right back, AND someone trips and falls while being pursued by Myers.
Total Killcount: 3 (I think)
Review: I give it a 8/10 because I liked part 4 better. The original Halloween is very iconic, that goes without saying. Just takes a little long to get to anything good. Still amazing. I love how relevant this movie was back in the day and just how relevant it still is. Timeless.

Friday the 13th (2009)
97 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.5/10
Gable's Rating: 7/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie, there's nudity (an amazing amount of it too!), The title is a specific date, produced by Sean S Cunningham.
Total Killcount: 14
Review: I give it a 7/10 because the first time I saw this I didn't like it all the much but viewing it now it was kinda fun. Way better than ANOES remake and anything New Line Jason related. Just mindless violence. Didn't care for the tunnels though.

The Manitou
104 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.7/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: there's nudity.
Total Killcount: 2
Review: I give it a 10/10 because a woman has a tumor on her back and it turns out to be the fetus of a native american indian being reincarnated. Fuck yes!

Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan (I say it counts because there's aliens and it's a story akin to Moby Dick and there's those ear creatures that control your mind)
113 minutes
IMDb Rating: 7.7/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: None. Unless you want to count the Enterprise limping away from the Reliant as a character tripping and falling. HAHAHAHAHA
Total Killcount: I didn't count. I just love this movie.
Review: I give it a 10/10 because Star Trek fucking rules. Khan forever!

Monster High
84 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.0/10
Gable's Rating: 5/10
Bonus Points: there's nudity.
Total Killcount: 6
Review: I give it a 5/10 because this movie is out there. It's pretty sweet but it isn't for everyone.

Halloween II (1981)
92 minutes
IMDb Rating: 6.3/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: Killer's face is obscured, Takes place on Halloween, there's nudity, and a character trips and falls while being pursued by Myers
Total Killcount: 10
Review: I give it a 10/10 because I loved this movie. I loved the intro and how seamlessly it tied into the original. I loved the higher kill count, the gore, everything kicked ass.

Halloween (2007)
109 minutes
IMDb Rating: 6.0/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: The killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie, Takes place on Halloween, there's nudity, and a character trips and falls while being pursued by Myers.
Total Killcount: 13
Review: I give it a 8/10 because the first time I watched this movie I really didn't care for it. Watching it now...I was really really into it...for the first hour and a half. I really enjoyed it because of the constant barrage of B movie stars with little roles. Richard Lynch, William Forsythe, Danielle Harris (NAKED!!!!), Danny Trejo, Ken Foree. But unfortunately, the last half hour of fucking irritating Laurie Strode SCREAMING ruined everything. She it just so fucking annoying.

I listened to the GREATEST MOVIE EVER! PODCAST this week. Here's a list of the episodes:
  • Against the Dark (28 min)
  • Alligator (27 min)
  • Arena (26 min)
  • Alien vs Predator (24 min)
  • The Beast Must Die (23 min)
  • Ernest Scared Stupid (21 min)
  • The Guyver (28 min)
  • Re-Animator (32 min)
  • Santa's Slay (19 min)
  • Troll 2 (35 min)
Total time listened too: 263 min or 4.38 hours.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 22

I think I'm a Bad Movie Zombie. I am sitting here in an emotionless state watching the greatest movie ever and all I can think about is A Gnome Named Gnorm. I really fucking want to watch that shit. I can't believe Stan Winston directed that amazing piece of cinema. But if I'm going to be a bad movie zombie I'm going to have to be awake all the time. No sleep. I wonder where a guy can make himself a zombie. Do I need to be bitten by another Bad Movie Zombie or can I just inject myself with some venom? Perhaps this Hot Sauce would do the trick? Can any of you hook a brother up?

I really wish my name was Mr. Armageddon.

Who here has seen Space Jam? It's that Looney Tunes/Michael Jordan collaboration where there are aliens that try to take over the Earth (I think) and it's up to a game of basketball to decide the fate of the world.

That's what Monster High is about except with no actual basketball players and the cartoon characters are monsters created by the diabolical Mr. Armageddon.

At first when you're watching this movie, you pretty much could swear you just dropped a bag of mushrooms. There's just no congruence or any sense of "story" or sanity. Crazy shit just keeps happening. And tits, TITS EVERYWHERE!

So a couple aliens, Doom and Gloom, steal a crate supposedly containing a doomsday device. In their escape, they travel to Earth. Also, there's this Head Monster overlord getting blowjobs and trying to destroy Earth...but he can't until the doomsday device has been recovered. On Earth, it turns out the doomsday device is a guy named Mr. Armageddon. He turns everything on campus into a monster and plans on taking over the world. Well after some shit happens, the humans challenge the fate of the world on a basketball game....which they win. And that's about it.

Be high when you watch this. Be drunk when you watch this. Watch it with people and get ready to laugh. There are a FUCKLOAD of stupid stupid jokes but they are so eye rollingly bad that you will laugh. If you take this movie seriously, you're a moron. It's just ridiculous. And awesome.

Or is it?

New poll is up! This is your last chance to push me over the edge! Friday 10/28

Here are the final 5 titles for you to destroy me with. This is your last chance! Let's make some CRAAAAZY HISTORY!!

I don't want to research this movie any further than it's title. Just fucking let that soak in. It's beautiful.

I've actually heard nothing but awesome things about this movie. So bear that in mind.

Kevin Tenney, director 80s classics Night of the Demons and Witchboard brings this 2007 movie. Is he still good or has he lost it?

Smokin' hot alien chicks killing people. You know this has an amazing amount of nudity.

This movie is going to suck AAASSSSS. I can't wait.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 21

(Button generously stolen from Vincent's Handmade Art. Check it out, it's total win!)

I don't understand how my body works. The last two days I've been fucking just out of it. My body was drained and I just felt like dying all day. My temper was short. All that good shit. Well, last night I stayed up late (god bless you caffeine) and I only get maybe 4 hours of sleep? 5? and here I sit wide awake and extremely alert.

Just goes to show you I guess. Less sleep is better. Especially when you're watching...

Let's recap the synopsis of this movie for a moment (taken guiltlessly from IMDb):
"A psychic's girlfriend finds out that a lump on her back is a growing reincarnation of a 400 year-old demonic Native American spirit."

That is easily the greatest synopsis for a movie ever.

Going into this movie I expected the insane. That is really the only direction this movie can go. And after watching insane as it played it completely cool. For a story that is completely crazy this movie tells is straight faced. I will admit that I'm gullible. If someone tells me a story with a straight face, I'll believe it. My mind is open, anything's possible. This is one of those movies that does that....except there's no punchline.

The more I think about it, the more I feel it relates to Hellraiser. Perhaps Clive Barker loves this movie and was heavily influenced by it? I don't know. Just watching that Native American being "born" out of the back of that woman just felt Hellraiserish. Even Hellraiser's story is incredibly imaginative and The Manitou is just that...imaginative.

I think my favorite scene is when Tony Curtis (oh yeah, he's the star by the way) goes out to seek the help of a real medicine man. The Indian is really hesitant and tells him no. Then out of nowhere he tells him his fee and that he wants the money to go to the Indian educational fund. Then Tony Curtis asks him what's in it for him and the Indian replies, "I'll do it for Tobacco. I'm running a little low." HAHAHAHA!!! Yes! That rules.

I should also point out something about the DVD. I bought the DVD a few weeks ago and as I'm watching it I have to say that I'm really happy with the picture. For a movie from 1978, they did a hell of a job cleaning this thing up. (granted, I am watching it on an old tube TV too but still) I watched John Carpenter's Halloween last night and the picture on that movie, although pretty decent, still wasn't near as good as The Manitou. Halloween still had that grain, those little dark flashes that pop up while watching a movie in the theatre, but The Manitou looks fantastic. And I appreciate the Widescreen. This movie needs it. It's that epic.

Before I end this post, all I have left to say is the last 15 minutes of this movie will blow your mind. The action. The dialogue. The solution to their problem. The use of the word Manitou. Holy fuck. This movie is amazing.