Wednesday, May 20, 2020

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Raw Justice (1994)

Shown: Actual VHS I purchased in 2020

Here's the exact series of events that led me to frantically scramble on eBay late last weekend to score a copy of Raw Justice on VHS.

What the fuck is that? A giant missile!?

Oh this movie, what a wild ride. There's so much to love here that you just gotta jump in and let it happen. This HAS to be what a 'massage + happy ending' feels like. It just HAS TO BE!

I was just tooling around IMDb last week and I must've been looking up Pam Anderson. This movie sparked my interest for some reason. As I was browsing around, I checked out the pictures section (like you do when you researching Pam Anderson) and what do I see but the Eighth Wonder of the World:

Automatic Blind Buy

I don't know what series of events led to this moment in cinematic history but I have to know. I need this in my life. But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's get started:

The first 5 minutes consist of David Keith in drag, Pam Anderson in her underwear, and a dude throwing himself through a window for absolutely no fucking reason.

Alright movie, you have my attention

I can just see my boys in the Bad Movie Syndicate rolling their eyes. The whole David Keith in drag thing is a 5 second joke that lasts 15 minutes. I was giggling but it definitely does overstay it's welcome.

After that, we can finally get this movie started. Time for a shower scene and some glorious nudity! Robert Hays (the dude from Airplane who is so out of place in this movie but is also kind of really fucking awesome to see here) gets shot down by the Mayor's daughter after their first date. She goes in, strips down, and hops into a shower that is literally more square feet than my first apartment.

Just off camera to the left is the kitchen, to the right is the master bedroom,
and if you squint hard enough you can see the living room in the distance

Well, she's murdered. (spoilers) Strangled by a power cord. From a lamp. We then cut to Stacy Keach on a shady looking pier paying the man that killed her. And then he blows his brains out. hahaha thank you Mr. Keach.

Back to our "hero" David Keith. (I apologize if I type Keith David, the superior of the Keith's and David's, anywhere in this post. It's hard to keep it straight) Also, whenever David Keith enters a scene, acts in a scene, or does absolutely nothing, the musical score queue's up the blues riff that Samuel L Jackson hums in The Long Kiss Goodnight. If you really aren't interested in hearing that riff 5000 times, then this movie isn't for you.

David Keith gets out of jail and out of drag (and we're all still laughing amirite guys?). Then we head back over to Robert Hays who's now getting arrested for the murder of the Mayor's daughter. CUT TO THE NEXT SCENE...Now Robert Hays is getting out of jail ALSO. Apparently some mystery person paid his bail. NOW CUT TO Robert Hays eating in his kitchen. He opens the fridge, discovers a note. He reads it aloud and it's a confession to the murder of the Mayor's daughter.

What the fuck is going on DK, nothing is making any sense.

Next, Robert Hays looks at his stove, which is propped open. Then he notices the gas burners are all turned way up. Then he must've FINALLY SMELLED ALL THE GAS IN THE KITCHEN HE'S BEEN STANDING IN FOR 5 MINUTES. Then he belts out a "OH JESUS!" and runs out of the house just as the building explodes.


Next, David Keith shows up. David Keith and Robert Hays then proceed to have the slowest dirt bike chase through a mall. I have to give the actors some credit here though, it looks like there was very little use of stuntmen and the actors were actually tearing it up through the streets and the mall. It was kind of nice to see but yeah...not very exciting when we're tooling around at 15 mph.

Next, we head over to the local strip club for a nice refreshing nudity break. And look who we find here: Pam Anderson.

Pam, you're here for 2 reasons and 1 of them isn't your acting ability.

Anyway, Pam's looking for her clothes back from David Keith (whom I forgot to tell you he took from Pam in the opening scene to dress up in drag). Suddenly, some bad guys show up and the movie has a semi-fun chase scene through town. David Keith is on the hood of the car, Pam Anderson is driving and screaming. Her delivery is just so deliciously rancid.  All of this leads up to one of the greatest crashes I've ever seen.

After that, David and Pam are running on foot. They go hide in a warehouse. Now, the moment, THE MOMENT, the bad guys exit the screen, David Keith asks Pam to hold onto his gun and then proceeds to have a steaming hot sex scene out of fucking nowhere.

Hurry up, I need to meet my contractual quota of nude scenes

Now that that's out of the way, the movie spends some time setting up David Keith for an entirely separate murder. Short story, David goes in and threatens a dude with a baseball bat and then some other henchman uses that bat to kill that guy he was threatening. Then we head over to a seedy hotel to hole up for awhile and come up with a plan.

Then Pam Anderson bangs the shit out of the dude from Airplane. David Keith tries to get in on the action but she's like, ' You're gross.' This scene is pretty good. It like the 'everyman' sex scene. Just a normal joe-schmoe 3/10 putting the screws to Pam Anderson in the 90s. It was everyman's dream, right fellas?


Alright, so then some bad guys show up. Something something, Fan Boat Chase scene and then David Keith is movie dead. He "blows up" off screen. Now Pam and Robert are taken back to the strip club for a well deserved and much earned nudity break.

We're almost there!

Things are looking kind of grim but shockingly David Keith shows up totally NOT DEAD! Some bullets are thrown around, some heated discussions take place and then the crowning achievement of David A Prior's career takes place (arguable to that of Deadly Prey of course)

HAHAHA it was a giant fucking dart this whole time HAHAHA!!!

Oh yeah, we almost forgot to wrap up the Stacy Keach/Charles Napier subplot/main plot business. Keach tries to blackmail Napier but Napier ain't no bitch and calls out Keach in front of the press. Keach puts a gun to Napier's head and demands a helicopter. He gets it of course piloted by none other than David Keith. David says some heroic stuff, then laughingly jumps out of the helicopter proclaiming "GERONIMO!" and Keach explodes into the side of the building WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO FLY THE HELICOPTER HIMSELF HAHAHAHA!!!

Orgasmic this movie is. In every way possible. It's an incredible ride through every possible trope there is in an action film. It hits all the right cords that a movie like this should. Just when you think you've about given up on this movie, then you get hit with a nude scene. It's perfect. The writing, the acting, the direction, the....everything is just so bad but god damn do I love it. There's two reasons we're all watching this movie and they aren't David Keith or Robert Hays.

You can watch the movie in almost it's entirety on YouTube right now. All the nudity is there sans Pam Anderson (of course) or you can be like me and pick up a copy on eBay. Embrace the bad friends.

Thursday, September 26, 2019

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Rambo: Last Blood (2019)

Listen here now, I haven't blogged a god. damn. thing. in 3 years and I just spent 15 frustrating minutes trying to log in to this fucking blog again and you're gonna sit your ass down and read this thing! Got me?


It's probably a better time than Rambo: Last Blood.

You can bet your sweet ass there's spoilers.

Yes, a new RAMBO! That last one was so good and this one promises just as much blood, it just can't be bad. Not. Fucking. Possible. And it's LAST BLOOD, like the last one, right, we're definitely pulling out all the stops.

Well here's what we got...

Oh, and cowboy hats! Just so many cowboy hats.

So the story starts out on the Rambo Ranch. We're riding horses, setting up Rambo's relationship with his niece, and hanging out in A VAST LABYRINTH OF UNDERGROUND TUNNELS. Wow, Rambo really took that saying "idle hands are the devil's plaything" to heart. So he's wandering around these tunnels, showing us where he brushes his teeth, where he forges knives, and where all the best places are for Vietnam flashbacks.

It's like he built these tunnels specifically to trigger flashbacks

Rambo's niece, Gabrielle, then get's a call from an old friend in Mexico that says she has found her long lost dead beat daddy. Then, after multiple warnings from Rambo, she goes down there anyway to confront him. Let me tell you, that confrontation is one of the greatest burns I've ever seen on film. The dude opens the door all welcoming, then she asks him why he left, and then he just looks her dead in the eyes and just lays into her about how he never wanted her, had no feelings for her, and really could care less if she were alive or dead. It was amazing.

Then of course, her emotional defenses are down, which causes her to agree to go to a club with her friend...who then sells her out to a mexican gang that will now fill her full of drugs and sell her as a sex slave.

Hey yo, Mexico. I will find you and I will kill you.

So yeah, we're basically in full 'Taken' mode at this point. Rambo runs down to Mexico to go find her. He gets his ass beat pretty bad by the entire gang. The leader (?) of the gang let's Rambo live (for the purposes of this movie) and Rambo is then taken in by some woman who knows an underground doctor that helps to stitch him up. Phew, what a mess. Well then, Rambo heals up faster than Wolverine and then goes back on the hunt. This is probably my favorite part of the movie...

The movie poster should've just had Rambo holding this hammer.

Rambo destroys an entire building full of thugs with nothing but a hammer. Boy, is it glorious. Hammers to the face, hammers to the shoulder, hammers to the face, hammers to the BALLS, (ouchie) you name it, he probably did it. Eventually he finds Gabrielle and saves her. They're driving back to America having a little heart to heart...

And so is any emotional investment I had in this movie.

We get back to Rambo Ranch, bury her out in the back 40, her friends all signed a stick over her grave with facebook posts like "good wishes", "we miss you", and "sending my prayers".

All right, here we are. FINALLY. Last 20 minutes of the movie. Revenge is a dish best served, not this time. We're killing them now. It's Rambo time.

Actually it's settin' up traps Home Alone time.

Rambo goes back to Mexico, starts a war with the gang, lures them back to his Ranch, and then murders the whole lot of them. All of the kills are pretty great and creative. We're running around the tunnels, everyone is getting their legs cut off, heads blown off, knived, arrow'd, all kinds of great carnage.

Hell, even the predator gets in on the fun.

They're all dead, Rambo's hurt pretty bad, and then we start the Rambo credit roll montage of all the movies. You kind of think that maybe Rambo dies on the porch of this house until they show him riding off into the sunset.


I hate to say it but I didn't really like this movie. Maybe if it wasn't a Rambo movie, I'd like it better but this just isn't the movie I wanted. Doesn't really feel like Rambo at all. All the stuff that's good and great about this movie is totally superficial. The kills in this movie are awesome but they just have no great context behind them so they fall super flat. The story is there but they just did it all wrong.

I like the Taken angle for the story. It's a great way to get the audience invested in something. What they really should've done is just done the Taken thing to the formula of First Blood part 2. She gets taken, then Rambo goes to get her, gets captured and tortured, eventually breaks free, and then murders his way to her. They can end the movie on the ranch if they want to and Rambo is just defending her and then he HAS to die on his porch. What a great way to end the saga of Rambo.

But instead we got Last Blood.

Alright, where the FUCK is your red bandana!?

The movie just kept distracting me with plot holes and stupidity. Like, why do they keep letting a blood soaked Rambo back into the US? Is there literally an unguarded barb wire fence on the US/Mexico border? The movie really fucked up when they let Gabrielle die. All the killing at the end had no weight to it. It's just old man Rambo murdering dudes because he's mad. He's not defending himself, savings POWs, rescuing his commander, or getting Missionaries out of a bad situation. It's just mindless revenge....and that's how we end the saga of Rambo. What a disappointment.

I'd still recommend everyone check it out. It's another Rambo movie, you know you have to see it. I still think Stallone's got it. Somehow at 73 Stallone is still kicking more ass then I can ever hope to in my lifetime. The acting is pretty meh throughout the movie but when Stallone gets in berserker mode, it's a pretty good time. The story however, should've....just been something else.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Hard Target 2 (2016)

What one man does for cash, another man will do for rubies.

Being this just came out, I don't want to get too in depth of the actual story scene for scene. All you need to know is that it's basically the same as the first movie except they take the Rambo route and set it in Berma. Why is everything better in Berma?

I would like instead to give you the down and dirty as to why you should get out and watch this movie immediately.
  1. It's on Netflix, stop reading and just go watch it now!
  2. It's pretty damn decent. It's actually a cut above decent and a level below good.
  3. It pays subtle homages to the original with it's up close arrow shots, roundhouse kicks, a single shot hand gun, and DOVES, DOVES, DOVES!
  4. Pretty much every kill is great. The movie does a great job at pacing them out perfectly apart as to not overkill too much at any one point. (There's a certain train kill that I thought came to a particularly brutal end)
  5. It's got some pretty good cinematography. The production team bought a killer drone and put it to some good use. They definitely got all over the place with the camera and definitely made sure the audience recognized the overall size of the jungle this movie takes place in.
  6. The action is very well paced and weighted. There's some amazing hand to hand fighting, pretty good sword fights, some vehicle chases, things exploding everywhere, hand guns, automatic weapons, crossbows, different vehicle chases, and more things exploding!
They did a pretty good job at casting. I think the roles fit the characters pretty well. Scott Adkins is the second coming of Van Damme and it's only fitting he take over the sequel to arguably Van Damme's best. (If not most notable movie, anyway) It's good to see Rhona Mitra in a movie again, she kind of disappeared after Doomsday and Underworld 3. I'm sure I'm the only one that enjoyed those movies but nevertheless it's good to see her kick some ass again. (Lay off the surgery Rhona, you look great as is!) It was also fun to see the girl from Chocolate return for a small fight scene up against Scott Adkins. Robert Knepper does a pretty good job filling in for Lance Hendricksen here. He's not Lance but I he fills the shoes pretty well. And there's nothing like watching the bad guy take a seat and have a beer during the climax of the movie.

All in all, it was a pretty good time. The director, Roel Reine, has done other fun direct to video sequels such as Death Race 2/3 and Scorpion King 3...among others. If you've seen those movies then you can about imagine what you're in for here.

I'm all in for a Hard Target 3: Harder Target. Make that happen Scott Adkins!

Sunday, July 31, 2016


Have you ever wanted to watch Doc Brown snort coke, fondle hookers, and sew a man's mouth shut? Then 88 is the movie for you!

Synopsis: A young woman comes to in a roadside diner with no idea where she is or how she got there. Split between two timelines, she gets taken on a violent journey as she seeks out the person responsible for her lover's death.

Let me tell you a tale my friends....about the first time I ever entered a woman. (It was about 30 seconds...impressive right?) It was with a woman who had a love for the movie Ginger Snaps 2. Yes...the second one. We watched it together and I liked it so I sought out the other 2 movies. After sitting through the full trilogy I developed a bit of a crush on the main star of those movies: Katharine Isabelle.

That crush lasts to this day. She's great! She's gorgeous, she's a great lead, and her acting just gets better and better as time goes on. You might recognize her as the drunk shower girl in Freddy vs Jason or if you by chance watched the Ginger Snaps movies. Lately she's been taking lead roles in some low budget movies...

Like 88!

Oh, this fucking guy's eye is just so amazing!

At this point, I have to wonder if there's a low budget movie making school somewhere that everybody that's never made a movie before goes to. There's got to be one instructor there, who I'll dub Professor Flashback. Mr. Flashback must teach all his students that to make an artsy low budget movie you must include no less than 600 flashback sequences.

This movie unfortunately is a product of Professor Flashback. The overall story bounces around on 2 seperate timelines that ultimately end up to the conclusion. To make sure the audience knows which timeline they're in, they repeat the last 20 seconds of the previous timelines ending...that we just watched 5 minutes ago. This movie suffers a lot of back and forth and a lot of repeating of things. You see a lot of the same scenes twice, you hear a lot of dialogue over and over, but you know what? It kind of works in this movie.

Dis my Werewolf pose...still got it!

The flashbacks kind of work for this movie all because of Katharine Isabelle's ability to pull of a Batman type of personality. The different timelines are different persona's of Isabelle's character Gwen. Gwen had something horrifyingly tragic happen to her and has since then buried all memories of said event in her mind. Her different persona's try to figure things out which ultimately leads up to the ending.

Oh, and Michael Ironside is in this movie!

This movie had the balls to try and kill Michael Ironside. The nerve! You can't do that and this movie knows it. One scene Ironside is getting blown away and the next....he's walking around with NO EXPLANATION.

But we all know....Ironside only dishes the death, he doesn't take it.

I just stabbed a man in the neck, Marty! I'm the evil Doc Brown from an alternative timeline!

It's really hard to see Christopher Lloyd as anything other than Doc Brown. He's snorting coke, banging hookers, cutting throats, shooting people, throwing down F-bombs as needed....but all I see is Doc Brown. Even's still cool seeing Christopher Lloyd in a bad guy role. You don't see that too often.

I still liked him as the bad guy. It kind of works in a weird way. He's just playing old man creepy pants and it fits.

As for Katharine Isabelle, she was fantastic. I can definitely see a change in her acting ability from this movie compared back to Ginger Snaps. She was never really terrible but she really pulled this movie together. In one scene she's casually walking into a convenience store, hiking up her skirt and pissing all over the floor...and the next she's running around, crying that people are dying around her. I'm glad to see that she obviously has a strong work ethic and is doing what she can to be the best at what she's doing.

I don't give a one can touch this.

Oh god, this man's been shot, someone call the cops!

Despite the flashbacks, this movie has many moments of greatness. The aforementioned convenience store piss, then there's this time they go buy guns and they are raided by the police. This woman grabs a tiny shield, declares it was blessed by the pope and is IMMEDIATELY shot in the throat. HAHAHAHA!!! Worth it.

88 isn't just the movie title.. It's also the running time. Which is great, because these types of movies need to stay right about that 80-90 minute run time. Any longer and we're looking for the razor to slit our wrists. Good job the example.

I have absolutely no choice but to recommend this movie. It's worth at least one watch, especially if your an Isabelle fan...or want to see an evil Doc Brown. It's a pretty interesting story that bounces around a lot. If you're not paying super close attention you might get lost know...just pay attention. Isabelle is great, Lloyd is great, Ironside is great....and lots of people die. What else do you need?

Monday, August 31, 2015

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Turbo Kid (2015)

Let's assume for a moment your name is Brad (or Lorraine if you're a woman). Now you're a 28 year old up and coming dentist's assistant. You've broken the mold and you're making some pretty good money and this year you decide to take a trip to Africa. You've had a great time in Africa but on your 3rd day visiting you come across a group of drug smugglers. They notice you, chase you down, and decapitate you. It's moments after they leave that a lonely, overweight, and deeply sexual baboon happens across your rotting corpse. He looks to the left, then to the right. With no ape in sight, he proceeds to fuck your eye socket.

That complete and unending joy that baboon feels skullfucking your imaginary rotting corpse is precisely the same amount of joy you get watching Turbo Kid.

THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING! It's everything I needed in my life. It's got freakin' lasers and robots and people exploding. It's just the best. I haven't been this excited for a theatrically released bad movie since The FP!

I'll do my best to give you a short, sweet, and spoiler free review.

Turbo Kid is the story of a young man in the post-apocalyptic wasteland of 1997. The world's gone to shit and the only thing left to do is hole up in the ground and read comic books...his favorite being Turbo Rider. Soon he befriends an overly excited woman named Apple. (Seriously, everything is amazing to her. At one point she is kidnapped and forced to fight gladiator style and she couldn't be more excited).

If only I knew that chicks like this were attracted to helmets like that earlier.

The story unfolds with Turbo Kid donning the Turbo suit and going on an exploding body killing spree to get back the girl. Along the way there's an Indiana Jones guy with an Army of Darkness hand, robots, a mute guy with a metal skull mask and an arm that shoots skilsaw blades,

Fuck. Yes.

a Little Trouble in Little China dude with projectile chain fists, and last but not least: Michael Ironside.

Pictured: Immortan Joe's father.

Let's talk about Michael Ironside. It was almost 5 years ago now that me and my friends coined the term Ironsided. (click here to view) Whenever Michael Ironside kills someone, they just got Ironsided. And boy is the Ironsiding in this movie great. It may not always be as a direct result of Ironside himself because the man is getting old and he has to do his Ironsiding through people but that's ok, it's still fucking amazing. People get shot, stabbed in the face, cut in half, stabbed in the face again, and all around good time.

The acting is pretty good. I can't really complain. 90% of the movies reviewed on this blog are about the same or infinitely worse. The actors do have a lot of fun with it and it's obvious at times where the inspiration is coming from (such as Temple of Doom) and it makes for good entertainment.

Media lately has been flooded with a lot of tribute films/games that attempt to mimic 70's/80's movies. Stuff like Kung Fury, The FP, or Farcry 3: Blooddragon are a couple that come to mind. This is one of the better additions in my opinion. (It'd make a good double feature with Hobo with a Shotgun) There's a lot of inspiration and inside jokes hidden throughout but it keeps itself grounded in its own reality and story and that's why I think it succeeds over the others that just try to throw the 80's in your face.

One of the best parts of this movie is the full on Synth Keyboard soundtrack. You can hear some of it in the trailer and the entire movie is filled with that sweet beautiful music. It knows when to crank up and get exciting and it knows when to tell you that you should be sad. It's the soundtrack that makes sweet sweet love to your temple holes.

It's a fun movie. It's extremely entertaining. I'll warn you that the first half of the movie is spent mostly establishing characters but I feel that it was done in such a way as to not be boring whatsoever. They sprinkle in just enough killing and craziness to keep it moving which I think makes the final battle all that much better. Also there's no nudity. Sure that would've made this movie better but I'll take the exploding bodies and be happy about it.

Go see it if you can. It will probably be in theaters for a few more days. If not, hopefully the bluray won't be far behind.

It just makes you moist thinking about it doesn't it?

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Mr. Gable is coming back! ... sort of ...

Hey guys! Haven't posted (legitimately) in awhile.  A long while. I miss this place. It was calm, cool, and fun to talk shit movies with the internet. I do miss it but you know, life catches up and it's hard to make time for these things. Some day I'll pick up where I left Hoff, but until then I've gone mobile.

So I've had a smartphone for awhile now and until last night I never even thought to see if there was a tumblr app. (IDIOT!) and I'm always finding awesome movies but I just never have time to write out a post and upload pictures, blah blah blah. But now I'll just to able to easily share it from my phone to my Tumblr and you can all keep up with the badness!

Go there now, follow me, and embrace the bad! I'm back baby!


(And I'll connect it to facebook and Twitter too so it'll show up there too for all you folks not on Tumblr)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Don't miss out on Slaterocalypse! A collaborative celebration of Christian Slater over at Back Online. Back on duty.

If you haven't been over to Back Online. Back on Duty. at all this week, you're missing out. Some of the Earth's greatest bloggers (myself included) have gathered together to celebrate one of the greatest actors of all time: Christian Slater. You can see my contribution here. Check out Back Online. Back on Duty. for the rest of Slaterocalypse and stay tuned the rest of the week for more posts, giveaways, and so much more!

Also, I'd like to apologize to all of you for being absent these past couple months. I'm sorry I haven't posted anything, I'm sorry I haven't commented on anything, I'm just sorry. I could blame it on the summer, I could blame it on my general laziness, but here's just the long and short of why I haven't been around:

I haven't watched a shitty movie in nearly 6 weeks. I finally bought a nice big HD television and I have been Bluraying my eyes out ever since. I'm starting to look at my VHS collection in disgust. It's bad. I need help. I'm really sorry.

I'll be back. Hopefully soon. I'm running out of bluray money so it shouldn't be long.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Big Week HOFF: Anaconda III: Offspring (2008)

More like HOFFSPRING oh hohoho!

What happens when you mix horribly rendered giant CGI snakes, one loudmouth and badass HOFF, and an elite group of expendables?

The greatest line ever delivered.

(You only need to watch the first 30 seconds of this video to see it)

God damn it, this movie is awesome. I've watched it three times in the last 5 months. It's just so much FUN! John Rhys Davies makes an appearance, having worked together on Ring of the Musketeers. David Hasselhoff knows what to say and when to say it...and more importantly he knows how to kick ass AND chew bubblegum.

This is your standard science gone wrong story. They bred giant Anacondas to get some protein to cure some disease. John Rhys Davies pissed them off and they got loose. Now a group of nobodies with nothing to live for are recruited to bring them back or put them down. At first, they go off on their own, completely HOFFLESS, and a bunch are killed. Then the Hoff shows up to help, and the rest are killed. HAHAHAHA Oh well, it's worth it.

You know what's going to happens so you just let this movie deliver to you that piece of steak you enjoy so much. Sure, this has been done before but not with THE HOFF! He makes this movie great. He's shooting off his mouth, kicking some serious ass, bringing his A game. Worth your time.

Anaconda 3 is just a great Sunday afternoon time waster.

Sadly, this is the last Hoff post for the week. I planned to finish with Starcrash, a movie I heard had a Mullet sporting, Lightsabre wielding Hasselhoff. Unfortunately, the copy I bought isn't here yet so I don't have time to watch it and review it. I apologize for this grave injustice but when it does get here I will definitely fit that into my itinerary.

Have a great weekend everybody! Thank you for following my BIG WEEK HOFF!