Wednesday, January 25, 2012

DOOM'D Review: Gamera vs Gyaos (1967)

Turtle vs Bat. Whoever wins...doesn't matter, that's fucking awesome.

I gotta hand it to him, Gyaos is one bad motherfucker. So far upon watching 3 Gamera movies (2 of which he has real opponents) Gyaos tops the fucking cake. To get you up to speed in the event you have not read my previous Gamera reviews, Gamera is a skyscraper size turtle that eats and breathes fire. It can also retract all of its limbs and then start a launch sequence out of each hole and it will spin up into the air and fly around. (I never get tired of describing him) So, what is a Gyaos exactly? Well, Gyaos is named for the bizarre noise he makes when he’s fucking shit up. GYAOS! GYAOS! GYAOS! Roughly translated it means: Fuck You.

 We rollin, they hatin

Gyaos is more or less a giant bat. Why he’s so big and why he’s so badass is never really explained. But it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Gyaos can fly. So this naturally makes for some of the greatest mid air fights between a 300 foot tall Bat and a 300 foot tall flying turtle. Gyaos can also shoot FUCKING LASERS out of his mouth. Gyaos uses this several times throughout the movie. His first use of it is to cut an airplane full of passengers in half. The airplane splits and half a dozen people immediately fall to their deaths while the rest of the wreckage scatters across Japan. It’s easily the greatest thing ever.

That is until this reporter tries to get in close for some pictures. He takes this kid along because he knows the area better than he does. So when they get to the cave where Gyaos is living and when Gyaos wakes up and is ready to start whippin’ ass, and then rocks and shit start falling all around them. The kid is screaming and begging for help and the reporter....just blows him off and runs away, leaving the kid to his doom. HAHAHAHA

Before I continue, I just want to get a couple more things about Gyaos out of the way. First off, he has 2 spines. This is why he can shoot lasers. (Because they work like a tuning fork) Second, He is nocturnal and only comes out at night. Third, he can stand up straight on the ground, flap his wings and demolish every tree and building right in front of him with the power of his wingflaps. And finally, his most important ability...he shoots poisonous yellow mist from his nipples.

Rest assured that nothing in your life will ever be this awesome.

Now, we can’t forget Gamera. As amazing as he is...he’s really been kind of a chump these last couple of movies. He let Barugon get the better of him with it’s dick tongue freeze ray and now Gyaos waltz’s in and blasts him to shit with its mouth laser. TWICE he is put out of commission before he has a good shot at doing anything useful. But I guess that’s how you move a story along, there isn’t much else to tell about Gamera. He just has to take some punches and come through in the end right? Well, Gamera baaaarrrely pulls through on this one. Gyaos just has too many weapons at his disposal and Gamera is fucked over continuously....that is until he wises up. You see, since Gyaos has two spines, he can’t turn his head. So if you get behind him...he’s totally fucking fucked. Gamera, in his infinite wisdom, flies up into the air and over the head of Gyaos and then pins him down like a prison bitch. He then clamps down his mouth around his throat and draaaaaaags Gyaos up the mountain and chucks him into a volcano.

Done and Done.

What I liked most about this installment of the Gamera series is that it wasted little time getting into the big monster action. (And Gamera bleeds in this one) There wasn’t any stupid side plot involving greed or some other moral. It’s just two big monsters kicking each other’s ass. I think this movie is good largely in part to Gyaos. He has SO many weapons of destruction that the humans can’t keep up with him. After each battle with Gamera, the humans try to pick up the slack while Gamera heals himself. They try shooting at it, they try dropping bombs on it, and they even brilliantly try to lure it on a platform so they can spin it around and around to get Gyaos dizzy enough to pass out until the sun comes up. (The Sun is Gyaos’ Achilles heal. That’s why he only comes out at night because UV Radiation causes him to shrink) But in the end it’s just Gamera dragging that sumbitch into a volcano that does the trick.

There still is an annoying kid infatuated with Gamera that keeps getting into trouble. I don’t know about you but when I was a kid if I saw a giant monster like that near me I’d be high tailing it the other way. (But, being a kid and WATCHING this movie, I'd completely be rooting for the big guy) Whatever, this is essentially a kids movie so I can forgive it. I just have to accept that this is what these movies are and just love them for it. It isn’t so bad this time...and it is pretty hilarious when that guy just leaves him in the cave.

So to conclude, if you need to watch any of the Gamera movies, start with the first one and then watch this one. I know Gyaos makes a return at least twice in some later installments. He is included on that trilogy of movies from the 90s that comes after this era of Gamera. I can’t wait to see this thing modernized with better effects and I think they actually make him scary again so that will be awesome.

That being said, if you plan on watching some Gamera, you’re going to HAVE to watch this one. You’ll need it to get to know Gyaos a little better for when he shows up again later in the series. And honestly, this movie is pretty fun anyway. And Gyaos, well Gyaos is just one bad mother fucker.

Also available on Netflix Instant from MST3K.


  1. Only ONE Gayos?? I didn't even know there was just one in the first appearance! There's heaps in the later films! Heaps! Thousands by the third 90's one!!

    As for Gamera always being made a prison bitch himself, I read that the filmakers "recently explained that this was not done to make Gamera appear weak when compared to other monsters like Godzilla, but to show the kaiju's fighting spirit and willingness to take any punishment in order to protect mankind". Desn't that make Gammy one hugely determined badass!!

    And, just wait to see what happens to our turtly friend when he faces Jiger! haha! You won't believe it, it throws rainbow lasers and nipple mist right out of the lava!

  2. Yep, just the on Gyaos in this movie. I can't wait for the 90's trilogy, I fucking own it on bluray and I've been salivating. I need to finish this original series first. It's going to be so amazing.

    Thank you for the quote. I guess if the filmmakers want to say that they can. I know the truth. And the truth is if Gamera won right away there'd have to be 60 minutes worth of end credits. HAHAHAHAHA

    Jiger. Sounds. Awesome.

  3. Hey, did they lure Gyaos onto that platform with a synthetic blood for bait? I seem to remember synthetic blood in the areas of my brain your Gamera reviews are awakening.

  4. This is the one Gamera MST3K version I can watch, mainly because the jokes are actually funny and so they add to the original movie. The other versions irritate me, the jokes aren't as funny and I think HELLO, CAN'T HEAR PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT GAMERA OVER HERE through the whole thing.

    Spinning Gyaos to get him dizzy is pure cinematic genius.

  5. Vincent - I think you're right. They lure it in with something, pretty sure it's blood.

    Stacia - I haven't watched ANY of these MST3K'd. Originals only :D This is the only one so far where the whole movie on YouTube was just the MST3K version. That sucks the rest of them aren't that great. It's a shame it was Joel and not Mike. I like Mike better.

  6. Vincent Yes. It is blood. Fast foward the movie to 1:14:00.

  7. I loved this movie, and I loved this MST3K, especially the sketch where Joel does an arts and crafts segment showing kids how to make their own Gaos (Gyaos).