Monday, January 9, 2012

DOOM'D Review: Gamera vs Barugon (1966)

After first witnessing Gammera The Invincible for the first time nunchucking that fucking train, I had to continue watching the series. There’s over 10 sequels so I’m pretty excited to watch those. So after glancing at the Wikipedia page, I found the order they were released in and continued my journey through Gamera. It can only get more epic as they go on, right?

Short Answer: No.
The story begins with the end of Gammera The Invincible. If you’ll remember, Gammera was launched into outer space and is on his way to Mars. We discover that the rocket Gammera is inside is struck by a meteor (clever) and has now reversed course and is headed back to Earth. Once there, Gamera breaks loose and starts kicking ass right away.
Well, the movie decides to take a 30 minute break from that WIN to go ahead and explore a cave. This group of bad guys is in search of a giant opal. It’s gold and very rare…and obviously worth a lot of money. The tribespeople warn them not to take it, bad things happen to those that enter the cave. Well, after a swift “FUCK YOU!” they take it anyway and laugh in the face of the tribespeople.
They get the opal back to the city. After some unnecessary dramatic scenes, the opal cracks. It’s actually a FUCKING EGG! (clever) The monster inside (Barugon) grows to mammoth proportions and starts tearing shit up! Gamera apparently has monster-radar and flies in to kick its ass. Barugon has a long tongue that is equipped with an ice ray and Barugon promptly puts Gamera in his place and freezes him. So then we take another 30 minute break from them fighting and then we go on this journey of values and human greed…with some shots of Barugon tearing up buildings and getting shot at by the military. Then Gamera finally breaks free of his icy prison and gets Barugon in a sleeper hold, drags him into the water (more on that in a minute) and puts that bitch out to sea.
Game(ra) Over.
This movie was a let down. I was really pumped to see some more Gamera ass whipping but he was barely in the movie! His return to Earth was a thing of genius and should be archived for eternity (I could have never thought up a meteor!) but after that…nothing. Just a big waste of time. Then when he does show up to show Barugon that there’s only room enough in Japan for one monster, he’s frozen right away and stays that way until the end of the movie. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!?? Barugon is the worst monster in history (of the few monsters I have seen so far) and he put Gamera out of his misery right away. Fuck you, it’s not possible.
I desperately need to discuss Barugon. He is easily the GAYEST monster I have ever seen. He is almost literally FLAMING gay. His tongue that I spoke about earlier….it looks like a long throbbing penis. That ice ray of his? Jizz. White jizz spits out the end of his cock tongue…that comes out of his mouth. And he also crawls around on all fours…so that makes him more feminine to all other “manly” monsters. He is also horny. There’s a big horn jutting out the front of his snout. And he makes this horrible orgasm screech every 5 seconds. OH! And he SHITS RAINBOWS. Honest to fucking god, SHITS RAINBOWS. He has this Rainbow attack that comes out of his ass and anything that touches it is instant toast. HAHAHAHA that fucking weapon sent me spinning. It’s about the craziest most awesome gay thing ever.

 Barugon: Destroying cities and looking FABULOUS! 

And finally, his weakness is water. He is apparently involverable to most anything but water…he is powerless against water (because of the freeze ray and stuff) so he melts (I can’t quite remember how he dies, but water kills him). There’s only one thing that comes to mind: The Wizard of Oz. GAAAAAY.

Hey, I love Oz too, I even love Return to Oz, but it’s no man-filled Die Hard.

Alright, enough pissing off all you readers. I mean no disrespect, I love making fun of all of you. Especially whitey, which is torn to pieces aplenty in this movie as well. Most notably…white mans Greed. That’s all we are, greedy. So greed created (Big Gay) Barugon, not the opal. Greed is the reason for all the evil in the world. And it is. I have no argument against that. I’d love to live in a Star Trek type universe where money isn’t our driving force. What a wonderful place that would be. So, all the kids that this movie was aimed at, could walk away with that value. Greed is evil, don’t be greedy.

That being said, please donate $5 to Mr. Gable’s Reality. I ain’t doing this for my health!

1 comment:

  1. Heh. I had forgotten about Barugon. Seeing these things as a kid you don't put together the obvious subtexts about the various monsters and with Japanese cinema there's ALWAYS a subtext.

    Too bad there was a lot of non-monster crap in the middle. At least they showed some at the beginning and end. Big monsters smashing, fighting and dying is like porn for kids so they'll put up with a lot of boring shit if you eventually bring the monsters back into play. I know I did.