DOOM'D Review: Spaced Invaders (1990)

This is a review that’s been a long time coming. It should’ve been here ages ago…but that’s ok. It’s here, it’s hip, and it’s still the greatest movie ever.

This movie is a staple of my LIFE. If you want to know what it is to be a part of Mr. Gable…you only need to watch Spaced Invaders. It has everything I’ve come to love about movies today. Crazy story, fun adventures, amazing practical effects, hilarious dialogue, robots, rednecks, old men with shotguns, and funky music. That being said, let the review begin:

CRAZY STORY: Martians exist and their battle fleet is heading to the Arturus system to kick some ass. The forcibly appointed new chancellor has commissioned new enforcer drones into every ship in the fleet. They’re rough, tough, and take don't know when to retreat. Turns out…that was a bad idea. The drones end up losing the battle and the entire fleet is wiped out. Except one ship. They’re out cruising around the asteroid belt trying to find the fleet to help kick some Arturan ass. They scour the cosmos for a signal and end up hearing a broadcast from Earth. This broadcast is Orson Well’s War of the Worlds. So the Martians mistakenly fly to Earth thinking there’s a grand takeover of this worthless planet. Turns out it’s Halloween and the Martians are in for some wacky hijinks as they try to figure out our world and how to take it over. They try to be scary but everyone thinks they’re in costume…which leads to one Martian exclaiming, “come on, let’s shoot our way outta this! They’re too stupid to live!” and then they come upon a country road and think it’s a minefield so one struts up confident that it is not and is hit by a pickup truck. They even come equipped with a vast amount of weaponry including a World Destruction Kit, a Donut of Destruction, and a little robot dude that is as cute as a puppy.

Adorable.

This is but a flicker of the greatness that makes up Spaced Invaders. The characters are a ball, the actors that voice the Martians are just awesome. The kids (including the girl that plays the pogostick girl in Tremors and the tech geek in Jurassic Park) are not annoying at all. The black kid with a lisp…greatest dude ever. And it all comes down to the Martians needing to get back to space or their ship will explode…taking the Earth with it.

SPECIAL EFFECTS: This movie, along with the ninja turtle movies, solidified my affection for practical special effects. The Martian heads were all built, all animatronic, and done extremely well. The eyes move, the mouths move in more ways than I can figure out, their antennae move, it’s all so lifelike. OR…they hired real Martians, which is a fantasy I enjoy pretending happened. And not just the animatronics were good, the way they shot the ship flying around and all that…the models for this movie were extremely realistic. The way the ship took off and kept crashing because of an engine malfunction across an open field…it’s so realistic you’d swear it happened. I could barely spot a green/blue screen. Whoever did the special effects for this movie…you are what I live for.

FUNKY MUSIC: Oh yeah, this happens:

REDNECKS AND THE OLD MAN WITH A SHOTGUN: HAHAHAHA you just can’t pull a movie like this off without some rednecks and old men with shotguns. The rednecks are too stupid to figure out that they’re being invaded by Martians and when they do finally figure it out…their solution is to round up a posse of drunken rednecks with shotguns to blow them away. And the old man with a shotgun…I just love that guy. You would recognize him as the old man from Killer Klowns from Outer Space. He carries this movie. The Martians crash in his barn and he takes it upon himself to capture them…and then blow them up. He loves dynamite and cackles wildly. He is who I want to be.

Bad movies be damned.

I really want you to watch this movie. It’s one of those that I used to watch all the time and that I’ll continue to watch forever. I never grow tired of it. Even just watching it the other day reminded me the power this movie has over me. I still watched it with wide eyed wonder…this is a really cool flick. It’s fun, it’s cheesy, it’s everything you want in a movie.

This is the only trailer I could find. NONE of this dialogue is in the movie...and the voices are completely different. But...it gives you a taste of what to expect from Spaced Invaders.

For the finer points of this movie (and a hell of a lot of spoilers), please watch this video as well:

You can buy it on Amazon for about $8. I've also seen it on ebay for about that price or lower. Worth the money.

DOOM'D News: Tokyo Species

 

This blatantly awesome overseas Species ripoff is very not safe for work. or your dick.

DOOM'D Review: Gamera vs Viras (1968) [aka Destroy All Planets]

That jive talkin’, fire breathin’, building stompin, high flyin’, bad assin’, monster turtle GAMERA is back! And this time he’s gotta whoop some Space Squid ass.

 The Chuck Norris of Space Squids

Gamera is flying around in orbit one day when all of a sudden an alien spaceship appears. The ship, before its encounter with Gamera, promptly lays out in step by step detail its plan for the planet Earth. You see, it’s a suitable environment for their race and they’re looking for a new place to live. Thing is, those pesky Earthlings have got to go. But before anything can happen, Gamera flies in and smashes it to pieces…

With Good Reason.

…but not before it sends a signal to its home planet warning them of Gamera.

So another ugly ship is sent. Now we cut to Earth were there is a looooong and irritating plot development involving Boy Scouts and a particular pair of boys and their annoying pranks. (Which comes in conveniently later) They are on a field trip at a marine facility and they coax themselves into a submarine. While traveling around, they find Gamera and race him.(Not gonna lie, if I were a kid, my joy circuits would be overloading at this point.)

And then the aliens return. And what follows is nearly 20 MINUTES OF FLASHBACKS. The aliens do a “scan” of Gamera’s brain in order to find a weakness. This leads to reused footage from the first 3 movies that are pieced together to show him doing battle with monsters in order to save children. So the aliens steal the kids and hold them hostage to Gamera.

I literally fast forwarded through this part. I’ve already seen the first 3 movies, I DON’T need to see them again. I want more Gamera goddammit! I really hate when movies reuse footage like that in their movie. There’s instances like Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 that it’s hilarious that they do it but mostly it’s just such a copout and a waste of time. And it drug this already piss poor installment in the Gamera series dddoooooowwwwnnnn.

I’m starting to believe that Gamera has the Star Trek syndrome, every other movie is awesome while the rest are just…well…horrible.

 Thanks Bill.

Anyway, the aliens have captured the children and are forcing Gamera to stand down. (Because Gamera's loyalty to children outways the entire population of the Earth) They then attach a brain wave device to his neck which gives them complete control of Gamera. (Can you about imagine what you would do if you have a remote controlled Gamera?) Now, even though they do use Gamera to destroy Japan, I think it could have been used far better. If they wouldn’t have done the flashbacks and they would’ve just devoted more time to Gamera destroying things under alien control…this movie would have been a total winner. But no, they keep the flashbacks and…

…devote a lot of time to the two Boy Scouts wandering around the alien ship.

The boys wander across a squid like creature whom they assume is a prisoner. (We very quickly learn that it is indeed their leader) But the boys make it to the control room and after they tinker with some knobs they release Gamera from his hold. They then reverse the capture ray and beam themselves back to Earth.

Heh. Heh. Heh. It’s Gamera time. 

Gamera promptly unleashes monstrous hell on the alien ship and rips it apart. The alien squid creature then combines with all the OTHER alien squid creatures aboard the ship and it grows to Gameralike proportions. It’s time for the final showdown.

I’ll give this movie some credit, the final battle was pretty sweet. They do throw each other around like a couple of ragdolls. They both fly around, they topple into the river and do battle underwater, and the part that actually caused me a little nausea is when the squid launched itself at Gamera and pierced his underbelly and flew around with the tip of its head stabbed into Gamera.

Sexual undertones? Possibly. But mostly, the thought of a being stabbed in the stomach was disturbing.

Finally, Gamera says enough is enough, grabs the Space Monster Viras and flies up into outer space where Viras freezes to death. Gamera Over.

I hate to say this but I’m getting bored with the Gamera movies. The first one was just so damned amazing I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into the rest of the series. The second, third, and fourth movies just weren’t that mind blowing. If Gyaos wasn’t as amazing as he is, this series would have been toast by then. Barugon can suck a log (and probably does) and Viras just didn’t have enough screen time. Fortunately, I know this series DOES eventually go somewhere and I’m going to stick with it to the end. After the 60s Gamera craze, the giant turtle took a nap until the 90s when it was resurrected with a bigger budget and spectacular effects. I know this because I just bought the 90s Gamera trilogy on Bluray and I can’t wait to get to it.

But first, I must continue my quest with Gamera vs Guiron: The monster with a KNIFE FOR A FACE.

Ah fuck yes. Star Trek syndrome.

DOOM'D Review: Gamera vs Gyaos (1967)

Turtle vs Bat. Whoever wins...doesn't matter, that's fucking awesome.

I gotta hand it to him, Gyaos is one bad motherfucker. So far upon watching 3 Gamera movies (2 of which he has real opponents) Gyaos tops the fucking cake. To get you up to speed in the event you have not read my previous Gamera reviews, Gamera is a skyscraper size turtle that eats and breathes fire. It can also retract all of its limbs and then start a launch sequence out of each hole and it will spin up into the air and fly around. (I never get tired of describing him) So, what is a Gyaos exactly? Well, Gyaos is named for the bizarre noise he makes when he’s fucking shit up. GYAOS! GYAOS! GYAOS! Roughly translated it means: Fuck You.

 We rollin, they hatin

Gyaos is more or less a giant bat. Why he’s so big and why he’s so badass is never really explained. But it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Gyaos can fly. So this naturally makes for some of the greatest mid air fights between a 300 foot tall Bat and a 300 foot tall flying turtle. Gyaos can also shoot FUCKING LASERS out of his mouth. Gyaos uses this several times throughout the movie. His first use of it is to cut an airplane full of passengers in half. The airplane splits and half a dozen people immediately fall to their deaths while the rest of the wreckage scatters across Japan. It’s easily the greatest thing ever.

That is until this reporter tries to get in close for some pictures. He takes this kid along because he knows the area better than he does. So when they get to the cave where Gyaos is living and when Gyaos wakes up and is ready to start whippin’ ass, and then rocks and shit start falling all around them. The kid is screaming and begging for help and the reporter....just blows him off and runs away, leaving the kid to his doom. HAHAHAHA

Before I continue, I just want to get a couple more things about Gyaos out of the way. First off, he has 2 spines. This is why he can shoot lasers. (Because they work like a tuning fork) Second, He is nocturnal and only comes out at night. Third, he can stand up straight on the ground, flap his wings and demolish every tree and building right in front of him with the power of his wingflaps. And finally, his most important ability...he shoots poisonous yellow mist from his nipples.

Rest assured that nothing in your life will ever be this awesome.

Now, we can’t forget Gamera. As amazing as he is...he’s really been kind of a chump these last couple of movies. He let Barugon get the better of him with it’s dick tongue freeze ray and now Gyaos waltz’s in and blasts him to shit with its mouth laser. TWICE he is put out of commission before he has a good shot at doing anything useful. But I guess that’s how you move a story along, there isn’t much else to tell about Gamera. He just has to take some punches and come through in the end right? Well, Gamera baaaarrrely pulls through on this one. Gyaos just has too many weapons at his disposal and Gamera is fucked over continuously....that is until he wises up. You see, since Gyaos has two spines, he can’t turn his head. So if you get behind him...he’s totally fucking fucked. Gamera, in his infinite wisdom, flies up into the air and over the head of Gyaos and then pins him down like a prison bitch. He then clamps down his mouth around his throat and draaaaaaags Gyaos up the mountain and chucks him into a volcano.

Done and Done.

What I liked most about this installment of the Gamera series is that it wasted little time getting into the big monster action. (And Gamera bleeds in this one) There wasn’t any stupid side plot involving greed or some other moral. It’s just two big monsters kicking each other’s ass. I think this movie is good largely in part to Gyaos. He has SO many weapons of destruction that the humans can’t keep up with him. After each battle with Gamera, the humans try to pick up the slack while Gamera heals himself. They try shooting at it, they try dropping bombs on it, and they even brilliantly try to lure it on a platform so they can spin it around and around to get Gyaos dizzy enough to pass out until the sun comes up. (The Sun is Gyaos’ Achilles heal. That’s why he only comes out at night because UV Radiation causes him to shrink) But in the end it’s just Gamera dragging that sumbitch into a volcano that does the trick.

There still is an annoying kid infatuated with Gamera that keeps getting into trouble. I don’t know about you but when I was a kid if I saw a giant monster like that near me I’d be high tailing it the other way. (But, being a kid and WATCHING this movie, I'd completely be rooting for the big guy) Whatever, this is essentially a kids movie so I can forgive it. I just have to accept that this is what these movies are and just love them for it. It isn’t so bad this time...and it is pretty hilarious when that guy just leaves him in the cave.

So to conclude, if you need to watch any of the Gamera movies, start with the first one and then watch this one. I know Gyaos makes a return at least twice in some later installments. He is included on that trilogy of movies from the 90s that comes after this era of Gamera. I can’t wait to see this thing modernized with better effects and I think they actually make him scary again so that will be awesome.

That being said, if you plan on watching some Gamera, you’re going to HAVE to watch this one. You’ll need it to get to know Gyaos a little better for when he shows up again later in the series. And honestly, this movie is pretty fun anyway. And Gyaos, well Gyaos is just one bad mother fucker.

Also available on Netflix Instant from MST3K.

DOOM'D Review: 2012: Supernova (2009)

2012: Supernova is what happens when you have a bad idea and then follow through with it. Such is the case with my decision to watch this movie.

I watched this movie for a couple of reasons. First, I wanted to get a good start on some destruction movies for 2012. Second, the cover art was kinda cool. Third, this movie stars Brian Krause: Star of Loch Ness Terror and Camel Spiders. (Also the TV show Charmed HAHAHAHA) So, I was like, what the hell. There could be some merit in this thing.

Press Play.

“The Asylum Presents…”

Ah, Dammit! Not again.

The Asylum has always been hit or miss with me. Mostly miss. But 2011 and 2012 have been racking up some fun titles so I’m still going to keep my eye on their product. But never again with 2012: Supernova.

2012: Supernova tells the story of a small group of international scientists working together to stop a global threat. Several million years ago some star went supernova. Now, the radiation from the supernova explosion is on a collision course with Earth. The only way to stop it is to blow up a fuckton of nuclear devices around Earth’s Mesosphere (?), the layer of atmosphere that protects the Earth from radiation. These nuclear explosions will aid the atmosphere in deflecting the radiation and saving everyone from a grisly amazing death.

Well, that premise is pretty original I guess. I’ve certainly never watched a movie with that stupid premise before.

The thing is, they don’t have enough nuclear bombs to do this thing properly. Here’s where I get a little confused. I could have sworn they’ve been working on this problem for a long time. Why are they just all of a sudden putting bombs up there last minute? Whatever, doesn’t matter I guess. Stop thinking Gable, just fucking stop thinking.

This movie is ass. The cinematography is terrible. The lighting guy must’ve been on vacation because everything is way too dark. (or he was given a $20 gift card to Home Depot and told to "make it happen") The director must’ve failed geometry because he can’t figure out more than one angle to shoot a scene. Oh man, it’s just rancid. I have seen worse and I have reviewed worse, but I expect a liiiiiiiitle more from my Asylum movie.

This movie makes me want to start a petition to let ME direct an Asylum movie.

There are some good things about this thing. Brian Krause…is actually pretty terrible. But he does add some to this movie. I think he needs a competent director to tell him how to do things or he can’t portray a character very well. He was amazing in Loch Ness Terror, he had that shit down pat. Not so much here. But I can’t fault him for that, that’s the fucking director man. Anyway, back to the good things about this movie. You know the phrase good things come in small packages? This movie’s good things come in mini-scenes. The “story” will happen for a few minutes and then a 5 second clip of the radiation wave destroying a planet will show up on the screen. The CGI, the sound, the look, the feel, the all around manly destruction of it all is very intense. And then they cut back to the cardboard warroom and we, the audience, grab another tissue to cry in.

Brian Krause: Acting...or shitting his pants. I can't tell.

This movie could’ve been better. And if it had been worse, it would have been GREAT! But there just wasn’t anything redeemable about it. There was nothing fun about it. There wasn’t anything bad enough to be good. The characters were bland and uninteresting. Everything felt like it was shot in my basement. With my camera. And there just wasn’t enough AWESOME destruction going on to keep it going.

But if you need a movie to watch while you’re cleaning the house or doing laundry, this movie is PERFECT!

DOOM'D News: The Amazing Bulk is coming to DVD in April!

It was about a year ago when I first caught wind this movie existed. Then the director, Lewis Schoenbrun, emailed me and we talked for a few emails and then he offered me a screener of the film. Of course, I accepted. I later reviewed it and it became part of the 2011 Bad Movie Battle Royale. Now, April 17th, The Amazing Bulk is coming to DVD.

(If you click that last link there, you'll find a vast treasure trove of amazingness nobody knew they wanted to see)

Synopsis:

Henry “Hank” Howard, an ambitious young scientist, struggles to develop a superhuman serum designed to improve muscle mass and prolong life expectancy. His boss, the grumpy General Darwin, will not allow Hank to marry his daughter, Hannah, until the experiment is a success. Against Darwin's wishes Hank proposes to Hannah anyway, but his life is shattered by a mugger who steals his engagement ring. Dejected, Hank injects himself with the experimental serum and is transformed into the Amazing Bulk.

The Bulk goes on a rampage through the city, destroying everything in his path. Hank is caught by a relentless detective, imprisoned by Darwin, and forced to battle the sadistic Dr. Kantlove, who threatens to blow up the moon with his arsenal of weapons.

Oh yeah, this is happening again...

DOOM'D Review: Tank Girl (1995)

I have one name to say to you that will pretty much tell you whether or not you’re going to be into this movie or not. Rachel Talalay. She wrote and directed Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare. Now, I assume all you have seen the Nightmare on Elm Street series and it “kinda” ends with Freddy’s Dead. Going through the series it pretty much gets sillier and crazy as it goes along. And I fucking loved it. Now, if you are the kind of person that liked Freddy’s Dead, then you’ll probably have the same kind of tastes in movies that will allow you to enjoy the glory that is Tank Girl. Also directed by Rachel Talalay.

I love her IMDb credits. Freddy’s Dead. Some movie called Ghost in the Machine. And then Tank Girl. And then it’s a B-line to TV street from then until now. I think she has a series case of the Fred Dekker’s, make 3 movies, none of them go over very well, nobody gives you work ever again.

Anyway, off topic. Let’s talk about Tank Girl. I fucking LOVED this movie when I was a kid. I rented it way too many times. I just thought it was the greatest gods damn thing ever. But then society moved on and tried to bury it in its dust.

Well over a decade later I find it again. I have it in my possession and then I wait: Because only a movie of this caliber must be watched in the year of our destruction: 2012. So here we are, 2012, and Tank Girl is taking over!

The story is extremely bizarre and difficult to explain but I’ll do my best. It’s the post apocalypse. A comet hit the Earth 11 years ago and it hasn’t rained once since. A global corporation (Water & Power) control everything. They have the water, they have the power. Tank Girl is hanging in the outskirts with her band of revolutionaries when they are suddenly stormed by W&P and she’s taken captive. She is then forced to do a job for W&P, she must find a group of thieves called The Rippers. They are a serious thorn in W&P’s side. So Tank Girl goes to find them but not before recruiting a new side kick: Jet Girl. So together they find the Rippers. The Rippers happen to be the end result of a mutation of Human and Kangaroo. (HAHAHAHAHA) So, from there they become friends and together they head out to take out W&P forever.

And implied Kangaroo sex happens. Originally supposed to be REAL Kangaroo/Human Sex.

Besides the Kangaroo part that actually sounds like a pretty groovy story. The thing I leave out though is all the BALLS OUT WACKINESS. Tank Girl is a poster child for the fashion revolution. She dons, at minimum, 300 outfits in this movie. Each of them tight spandex and checkered/overly colored/fluffy/shiny/and oh so naughty. There is even a musical number smack dab in the middle. Tank Girl’s personality is that of a 5 year old trapped in 25 year old’s body. Her comebacks are always hilarious. Like, she lips off to the people at W&P so they put her in a straight jacket and shove her in a freezer for several days. Then the leader of W&P comes in to check on her and the first words out of her mouth are, “Geez, it sure is hard to play with myself in this thing.” HAHAHAHA I love you Tank Girl.

And the Kangaroo guys. Oh man, I’m pretty sure that’s the reason I loved this as a kid. Hell yes! Kangaroos! Kicking ass! And one of them is Ice-T!

A role which certainly helped him win a shot at Law & Order.

WHA-WHA-WHAT!? Yes, yes it’s true. The tough guy Ripper is none other than Ice-T in the pinnacle of his career. This movie is actually quite strife with talent. Jet Girl is played by an up and coming Naomi Watts. She is extremely wantable in this movie. She is to the movie Tank Girl what Kaylee is to the TV show Firefly. She’s a cute girl, she wears glasses, she’s a mechanic, she loves electronics, she’s a total nerd, and even though she does everything in her power to be unsexy, you can’t help but be attracted to her the most.

Want.

Then there’s the immortal Malcolm McDowell. I swear he does these kinds of movies as a vent for some internal insanity he needs to release so he can perform better during his better roles. Like, he did Cyborg 3 to get his craziness out so he could perform better in Star Trek: Generations and then did Tank Girl to wind down from that epic performance. I just love that man. His voice, his presence, any time he’s in a movie I’ll watch it. That guy just makes everything better.

Couple more things I’d like to mention before I wrap this up. Tank Girl is actually based off a british comic strip. So as you’re watching the movie, there are a SHITLOAD of comic stuff flashing on the screen. The opening credits are all over a backdrop of comics. Transitions between scenes feature comics. Times when they’d rather not spend the money on a “rebuilding a machine” montage, they instead crank sound effects over a backdrop of comics. It’s actually pretty cool and I liked that aspect of this movie.

Also, the guy that wrote this also wrote Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines so take from that what you want. (I liked that one too)

And finally, the special effects in this movie are quite amazing. The green screen effects are done with precision and are rather convincing. The models and real props are very impressive. The Tank itself is pretty sweet. It's kind of shocking that a movie of this caliber was able to come up with the budget that it did. I can't imagine trying to pitch this movie to someone and expecting to walk away with millions of dollars to make it. Somehow they managed to get it and that makes this movie all the better.

So we have hated Director, hated Writer, a good cast, a crazy post apocalyptic story, a ton of action, Jets, Tanks, things blowing up, Kangaroo mutants, a musical number, lots of pretty colors, sexy, fun punk rock music, a good cast, swearing, blood, and a guy getting the water sucked out of his body. Throw that all in a blender and what do you get?

The greatness that is: TANK GIRL. Watch it. (Currently available on Netflix Instant)

DOOM'D Review: Gamera vs Barugon (1966)

After first witnessing Gammera The Invincible for the first time nunchucking that fucking train, I had to continue watching the series. There’s over 10 sequels so I’m pretty excited to watch those. So after glancing at the Wikipedia page, I found the order they were released in and continued my journey through Gamera. It can only get more epic as they go on, right?

Short Answer: No.

 

The story begins with the end of Gammera The Invincible. If you’ll remember, Gammera was launched into outer space and is on his way to Mars. We discover that the rocket Gammera is inside is struck by a meteor (clever) and has now reversed course and is headed back to Earth. Once there, Gamera breaks loose and starts kicking ass right away.

 

Well, the movie decides to take a 30 minute break from that WIN to go ahead and explore a cave. This group of bad guys is in search of a giant opal. It’s gold and very rare…and obviously worth a lot of money. The tribespeople warn them not to take it, bad things happen to those that enter the cave. Well, after a swift “FUCK YOU!” they take it anyway and laugh in the face of the tribespeople.

 

They get the opal back to the city. After some unnecessary dramatic scenes, the opal cracks. It’s actually a FUCKING EGG! (clever) The monster inside (Barugon) grows to mammoth proportions and starts tearing shit up! Gamera apparently has monster-radar and flies in to kick its ass. Barugon has a long tongue that is equipped with an ice ray and Barugon promptly puts Gamera in his place and freezes him. So then we take another 30 minute break from them fighting and then we go on this journey of values and human greed…with some shots of Barugon tearing up buildings and getting shot at by the military. Then Gamera finally breaks free of his icy prison and gets Barugon in a sleeper hold, drags him into the water (more on that in a minute) and puts that bitch out to sea.

 

Game(ra) Over.

 

This movie was a let down. I was really pumped to see some more Gamera ass whipping but he was barely in the movie! His return to Earth was a thing of genius and should be archived for eternity (I could have never thought up a meteor!) but after that…nothing. Just a big waste of time. Then when he does show up to show Barugon that there’s only room enough in Japan for one monster, he’s frozen right away and stays that way until the end of the movie. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!?? Barugon is the worst monster in history (of the few monsters I have seen so far) and he put Gamera out of his misery right away. Fuck you, it’s not possible.

 

I desperately need to discuss Barugon. He is easily the GAYEST monster I have ever seen. He is almost literally FLAMING gay. His tongue that I spoke about earlier….it looks like a long throbbing penis. That ice ray of his? Jizz. White jizz spits out the end of his cock tongue…that comes out of his mouth. And he also crawls around on all fours…so that makes him more feminine to all other “manly” monsters. He is also horny. There’s a big horn jutting out the front of his snout. And he makes this horrible orgasm screech every 5 seconds. OH! And he SHITS RAINBOWS. Honest to fucking god, SHITS RAINBOWS. He has this Rainbow attack that comes out of his ass and anything that touches it is instant toast. HAHAHAHA that fucking weapon sent me spinning. It’s about the craziest most awesome gay thing ever.

 Barugon: Destroying cities and looking FABULOUS! 

And finally, his weakness is water. He is apparently involverable to most anything but water…he is powerless against water (because of the freeze ray and stuff) so he melts (I can’t quite remember how he dies, but water kills him). There’s only one thing that comes to mind: The Wizard of Oz. GAAAAAY.


Hey, I love Oz too, I even love Return to Oz, but it’s no man-filled Die Hard.

Alright, enough pissing off all you readers. I mean no disrespect, I love making fun of all of you. Especially whitey, which is torn to pieces aplenty in this movie as well. Most notably…white mans Greed. That’s all we are, greedy. So greed created (Big Gay) Barugon, not the opal. Greed is the reason for all the evil in the world. And it is. I have no argument against that. I’d love to live in a Star Trek type universe where money isn’t our driving force. What a wonderful place that would be. So, all the kids that this movie was aimed at, could walk away with that value. Greed is evil, don’t be greedy.

That being said, please donate $5 to Mr. Gable’s Reality. I ain’t doing this for my health!

DOOM'D News: Mushroom Clouds and Mushroom Men - The Fantastic Cinema of Ishiro Honda

Not even a day after I changed the format of this blog to feature giant lizards killing each other than do I receive an email from one Peter H. Brothers with a press release for his book: Mushroom Clouds and Mushroom Men - The Fantastic Cinema of Ishiro Honda.

Ishiro Honda is the guy that first directed the original Godzilla and quite a few others like Rodan and Mothra. He's an amazing man and I look forward to talking about him and his films in great detail over the next year. But if you are already a fan or looking to find more information on this particular brand of cinema, then by all means buy the book on Amazon and read about it now!

From the Press Release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

 

Agoura Hills, California

 

“MUSHROOM CLOUDS AND MUSHROOM MEN -- The Fantastic Cinema of Ishiro Honda” by Peter H. Brothers.

 

For the first time outside Japan a book has been published on Japan's foremost director of Fantasy Films: “MUSHROOM CLOUDS AND MUSHROOM MEN – The Fantastic Cinema of Ishiro Honda” (AuthorHouse, ISBN: 978-1-4490-2771-1).

 

Known primarily for directing such classic Japanese monster movies as Rodan, Mothra, Attack of the Mushroom People and the original Godzilla, Ishiro Honda (1911 - 2011) has been an undeservedly overlooked figure in mainstream international cinema.

 

MUSHROOM CLOUDS AND MUSHROOM MEN is the first book to cover in English print Honda’s life as well comprehensively evaluates all 25 of his fantasy films.  It is also gives objective and critical analysis of Honda's filmmaking methods, themes and relationships with actors and technicians.

 

Making use of extensive interviews from Honda’s colleagues as well as a wealth of original source material never before gathered into one volume (including previously-unpublished essays) and nominated in 2009 for a “Rondo Award,” MUSHROOM CLOUDS AND MUSHROOM MEN is an affectionate tribute to the most-prolific and influential director in the history of fantasy films.

 

(Three-time “Rondo” Award Nominee Peter H. Brothers is also the author of the new horror-novel Devil Bat Diary). 

DOOM'D Review: Gammera The Invincible (1966)

Gammera the Invincible, where have you been all my life? You all need to see this. And I’ll tell you why:

Gammera starts out with the American military. I was expecting a full-on Japanese Godzilla type movie but there is actually quite a bit of America in this movie. (at least in the version I watched, there are 2 versions of this movie, 1 with American scenes, 1 without) Anyway, there are four Russian airplanes headed towards them in the Arctic Circle, each of them armed with a nuclear bomb. The Americans shoot one of them down in and it promptly detonates the nuke, cracking the ice and unleashing….GAMMERA!

A 200 foot tall walking turtle. That breathes FIRE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

But wait, there’s more!

So Gam Gam is pretty pissed off. You just don’t wake up someone like that, you know? So he trots along and destroys everything he comes across. He fucks up a cargo ship, he stomps on a few people, lights things on fire, and then he smells something funky over in Tokyo and decides that it needs to be flatter.

Don’t worry, the American and Japanese governments are working together to kill Gammera. They got a plan. They’re gonna slow it down with a freeze ray and then blow it to hell. So that happens and when the bombs detonate, Gammera is tossed over onto his back and he’s fucked harder than Lindsey Lohan over summer break.

Yeah! America has won! Gammera is dead! Hooray!

Oh shit, what’s he doing? His head and legs are retracting into his body. What the ... ? Fire! Fire is shooting out from every hole in his shell, he’s spinning up into the air, HOLY FUCKING FUCK IT CAN FLY!! HAHAHAHAHA!!

Upside down and spinning round and round and round. I'm impressed.

Gammera is a 200 foot tall walking fire breathing FLYING TURTLE! It does NOT get more bad ass than that.

So the world is then predominantly fucked. Gammera starts fucking shit up in Japan...again. He knocks buildings over, being generally pleased with himself. But for some reason or another, there is a boy that is infatuated with him. He is to Gammera what all 13 year old girls are to the Bieber. He might even be telepathically linked to him somehow. But whatever, the kids an idiot.

The government then trys to kill Gammera with fire. But Gammera eats fire so that fails. When this happens there is also a long train filled with fuel headed towards Gammera and he picks it up like it’s a set of nunchucks. God, that was awesome. And that stupid fucking kid was on the train trying to give Gammera a hug (or something). But they save the kid just in time.

NEW PLAN. They are going to lure Gammera to a giant paddock, encapsulate him in a giant sphere, and launch his ass to Mars. (Sounds perfectly reasonable) Since there is very little running time left in the movie, this all happens swiftly and effortlessly and the world is safe from yet another giant monster.

Where the fuck did all these things come from? The ice ray? The giant ship to Mars? Even if the ship had already existed for a surprise trip, how the fuck did they get it retrofitted to encapsulate a 200 foot tall monster?

The answers don’t matter. I shouldn’t even be asking them. You know why? Because Gammera is AWESOME that’s why.

I know I spoiled most of the movie but it’s still a gem to watch. It doesn’t matter that you know what’s going to happen, it’s a giant flying fire breathing TURTLE! You can’t go wrong.

I can’t wait to watch the NUMEROUS sequels that follow.

You can find Gammera the Invincible pretty much everywhere. You can buy the DVD on Amazon, you can find this in pretty much every Sci-Fi 50 Pack in existence, I watched it on a free movie channel that came with my Roku Player, I'm sure you can download it somewhere for free, OR you can just stick around here for awhile and watch it right now:

You won't regret it.

Mr. Gable's Reality is DOOM'D!! (and so are you)

Introducing a new year of Mr. Gable. Introducing a new "vision" for my reality. Introducing the

D.ays O.f O.ur M.ayan D.estiny!

WE ARE ALL DOOM'D!! ALL OF US!! 2012 has finally arrived and it's time for all of us to tuck our necks betwixt our legs and kiss are flaming sphincters goodbye!

In honor of our demise, Mr. Gable's Reality will be celebrating ALL YEAR by reviewing:

• Post Apocalypse movies
• Post-Nuke movies
• Giant Monster movies
• Alien Invasion movies
• Disaster movies
• and anything demonstrating just how many amazing ways we are going to die! (Look for the post title "DOOM'D" at the beginning of my reviews this year and you'll discover a new and erotic way to die!)

All of this will tie into the 2012 Bad Movie Battle Royale, the October 31 Baddest Days of Halloween countdown, (bad movie gods willing: a fucking podcast), and of course this will lead into a very special, almost brutal, December 21, 2012 celebration of our inevitable destruction! (to be announced later this year)

Join me this year as we countdown our final days together in the greatest way possible:

Randomly.