Friday, March 16, 2012

DOOM'D Review: Yor: The Hunter From the Future (1983)

The word "MANLY" as described by the internet:
  • A description of someone or something that is very masculine or awesome, such as eating jerky for two months straight.
  • A true man, who eats nothing but bacon, he must be buff, and eat bacon, he must think like a true man, by eating bacon, and above all he must act like a man, so eat more bacon!
  • A word used to describe something great.
  • Yor: The Hunter From the Future.
This movie is the manliest thing to happen to man since the first (and unfortunately last) day it rained titties from the sky. Nipples abound, it was. Ever since then, man has only had meat and Chuck Norris to confide in. That is until...Yor: The Hunter from the Future came along. Behold, the manliest song ever written:

Men, all you need to do is put this song on your iPod. Go to a club, plug it into the speakers and hit play. You'll be drowning in pussy by the second YOR'S WORLD! HE'S THE MAN! (If you're a woman and reading this, your welcome for the vast amount of amazing sex you are about to have. Your body is no doubt convulsing and getting extremely moist. Find a man quickly. You must copulate. If you do not, your body may explode....because it's Yor's World. And he's the man.)

If you haven't guessed it, YOR: THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE is the single greatest piece of cinema to escape 1983. Perhaps even the entirety of cinema itself. Sure, there are several hundred others that are amazing in and of themselves but where will you find a man that single handedly causes genocide to every species he comes across? Here is a diagram to show you the amount of ass Yor kicks during the entire 80 minute running time.

The story, if you must know, is just as fantastically absurd as you think it is. I have to think that if I were living in 1983 and writing this movie it'd be something like this. I'd write the opening: OPEN: YOR RUNNING TO EPIC YOR MUSIC, INCREASE POPULATION WORLDWIDE BY 34%. Then I'd write the opening scene: YOR KILLS DINOSAUR.

I am fucking awesome.

Then I'd write some pointless dialogue and fit in a quick plot point about Yor having no recollection of his past, just a pendent around his neck. (which will cleverly come in later he he he he) Oops, 2 pages and no action, I better write something in: PURPLE FACED MONKEY GUYS ATTACK. WOMAN CAPTURED, YOR MUST GET HER BACK. How you may ask? The manliest way possible:

By killing a giant bat, using it as a hang glider, swooping down and killing EVERYONE. Then I would do the next most manlogic thing I could do: Put Yor into a love triangle. Oh yeah, Yor's too much man for one woman. Shit, it's been too long since the action again, now it's time for: YOR FIGHTS MUMMIES WITH A FLAMING SWORD. Then it's at this point that my boss would come in and tell me that this thing is too similar to Conan and the hoard of other barbarian movies that came out at that time. I'll tell him to give me a "coupla hours", I've got some ideas. (And all of them stem from the fact that I just finished watching Empire Strikes Back) So I come back to him with the "twist". Next scene: YOR FIGHTS ROBOTS. Robots with fucking lasers, and they look like Darth Vader.

Now, I want you to take a moment to reflect on that twist. Yor is fighting robots. Yor: THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE is fighting robots. At first its all prehistoric and there's dinosaurs and cavemen and then BAM! Fucking robots. After reading the title, the tagline, seeing the trailer, and looking at the cover art, the twist is just something you don't see coming.

Like I said. This movie is manly.

Alright, so we gotta end this thing right? do we end it? Let's have a "Dark Overlord" guy that really looks like the Emperor. Let's have Yor do some more manly things, like shoot lasers, hit people with rocks, and then restart civilization itself. End with some narration about Yor kicking ass and he flies off into the sunset in a stolen space ship.


I dare you to try and resist it.

Few things before I leave you:
  • The Spoony Experiment did a very long and very awesome video review for Yor: The Hunter From the Future. I highly suggest you take the time to watch it. It covers all of this and so much more.
  • The video release for Yor is actually a cut down version of a 4 HOUR MINISERIES that aired in Italy. The only place I have ever been able to find a copy of it is on iOffer. It's $30 so I haven't gotten around to buying it myself...but I really really want to.
  • The soundtrack was finally restored last year and is available for purchase again. It was lost forever but now you can own this amazingness. Available on Amazon from BSX Records, a label that apparently is reviving old soundtracks. I suggest you check it out.
  • Yor had pretty much disappeared forever. The only way to get a copy was to torrent it or pay a ridiculous amount for the VHS. Now, Warner Bros. has released a bare bones "made to order" DVD-R copy you can buy now. You can get it from their website or on Amazon. (Cheaper on Amazon)
  • Reb Brown is awesome.
  • Finally, I know this really isn't a review as much as it is a retelling of this movie. There really is no way to review this movie beyond the word, "Awesome". This movie sells itself. The poster, the title, Reb Brown, the insane story, everything. There is no reviewing it, there is only experiencing it.



    There is actually a proper DVD of Yor, but it's German, which wouldn't be so bad, except that means that it's probably dubbed into German, and with no subtitles (just like my Crackdown Mission DVD).

    I wonder what the 4 hour miniseries is like. (I think it's in the movie's native Italian)

    Great 'review'!

  2. I found that German Disc:

    I can't read German so I don't know if this is a barebones version too or if there's some actual features included.

    And that's perfectly ok that it's dubbed in German...because EVERY version of this movie is dubbed! Gotta love those 80's Italian movies. They're all filmed without sound. Cheaper to dub voices later.

    That link to iOffer says that the miniseries is in Italian...with English subtitles. Fine by me.

  3. Holy fucking shit it's out on DV-R. You have informed me of this because you are my friend.

    Ever since you sent a copy of this movie I've scavenged something like a half dozen other copies JUST IN CASE ONE BREAKS. Because you can never, ever be without Yor. Before the world ends, we have to make a time capsule and put Yor in it so when aliens arrive in a few billion years they'll know everything they need to know about the former humans who lived here.

    This movie is what keeps humanity procreating. The minute Yor swoops down in the hang glider made from a dead-ass bat, everyone watching the film is immediately buried in beaver.

  4. Excellent review! Will be watching this soon. Reb and bacon rule!

  5. I can't agree with you more about this 80-minute awesome-fest. When I reviewed it, I actually DVR'd it off of TCM, so I definitely need to own it at some point.

  6. Something about that song just makes you want to grab a beer, fry up a pack of bacon and enjoy both while watching porn. Manly for the win! Brilliant review!

  7. Stacia: you are so so correct. And I watched the copy you sent me that was cut to widescreen. It looks awesome. Much better than that VHS rip I have.

    Ty: You have to watch it. It's just so great.

    DTV: That's crazy that they actually played this on TV.

    James: Thanks for stopping by and reading the review! And I absolutely agree. This movie is one manly milestone after another.

  8. Great write-up! Man, I am SO CURIOUS about the original mini-series. I may have to drop the 30 bucks on it and just make it happen.