Thursday, March 22, 2012

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Girlfriend From Hell (1989)

I remember exactly how I discovered this movie existed. There I was last October watching movies and I put in my VHS tape of Prom Night 3. (an epic movie itself, highly recommended) Before the movie started there was a trailer for Girlfriend from Hell. (Let this be a lesson to any bad movie connoisseurs out there: don’t be afraid to check out old VHS tapes. Especially ones from the 80’s to mid 90s. They almost always include some forgotten gem that you never knew existed.) Anyway, it looked so damned amazing that I immediately unleashed my bad movie hounds to acquire a copy for me. I got it and here we go.

Girlfriend from Hell is a movie that will completely blow you away while at the same time causing you great pain. How a movie this awesome can be so bad is beyond me. It’s good…it’s bad…it’s good/bad…it’s bad/bad. What the hell am I talking about? Let me explain.

The movie is about Satan FROM OUTERSPACE inhabiting the body of a young nubile woman, transforming her into a smoking hot gutter slut and her wacky adventures of seducing young men, swallowing their souls, AND trying to get away from her former lover.

WOW. When I put it that way, this movie is AMAZING! And this movie SHOULD BE! But it keeps falling flat. Oh man, this movie has got so many fucking good ideas driving it but the stuff that fills in the blanks between awesomeness is just so terrible. It’s like a really wild rollercoaster, one minute you’re kinda just chilling up the hill and THEN A WHOLE LOT OF AWESOME HAPPENS and then it’s blah again AND THEN IT JIVES LEFT AND SHANKS RIGHT and then you hit a straight away.

 And holy shit, someone made this into a MUSICAL!

But when it’s all over…I gotta say that I really did like the ride. This movie is pretty sweet, despite the crappiness inbetween. Right off the bat it starts out with this entity flying through space and it lands on Earth. And there’s this guy with a laser chasing it…uhh…her. It breaks away and…

20-30 minutes of character set up. And not even very good set up. It’s all cliché, blah blah blah. But eventually the entity (Satan) possesses her and then this happens: Satan talks her friends into letting her drive the car, she’s squeeling around town driving way too fast. CUT TO: A group of nuns getting lectured about not using weapons against people even though they live in a bad neighborhood. CUT TO: Satan driving fast, she sees the nuns, and tries to run them all over. Then the greatest thing happens.

ALL of the nuns pull out guns and start shooting at the car and one of them reaches under her skirt, pulls out a ROCKET LAUNCHER and shoots at Satan accidentally blowing up an innocent person's car instead! HAHAHAHAHA I had to do a rewind, that was just too epic to see only once. (see video below)

Then it slows down again, and Satan kills some dudes, and that’s pretty cool. Then the guy that’s chasing Satan shows up and they mess up some device that causes Time Warps. So him and this other random chick keep jumping around until they land at the TITTY BAR. (FUCK YEAH!) We get some quick boobs and this movie draws itself to a showdown and finally a close.

There is this one pretty epic scene between this dude and his girlfriend. He just got jerked off by Satan and it was the greatest thing ever. And his girlfriend is jealous and preachy. She decides that she’ll blow him to show him how much she loves him. She pulls it out and she’s all like “icky icky icky icky” and then she looks at it and proclaims, “IT’S SO UGLY!” HAHAHA so true ladies, so true. But she goes down on him anyway and when it’s all over, HE STILL WANTS SATAN! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Hey, it might not be the most fantastic horror/comedy out there. The gore is pretty good. The jokes are pretty hilarious. The acting is bad. The slow parts of the movie bring it down. But the parts that bring home the bacon save this movie. They come in quick, hang around for about 30 seconds, and then leave. But at least there’s more than one.

Hey look, someone took this movie and trimmed out the fat! Enjoy the greatness that is Girlfriend from Hell!

And they even included that totally bitchin' theme song!

And I know that I don’t have a lot of enthusiasm for this movie. I have to apologize, this is actually quite a fun movie, I guess I just had more expectations for it. I thought the pacing would be faster, it’s just not. I say if you like the 3 minute video above, track down a copy somewhere (good luck to you) and give it a watch and judge for yourself. I can totally see a lot of people loving the shit out of this movie. I’d gladly watch it again and maybe I’d like it more a second time but for now, this movie is going into my “it’s bad but better than most” pile.

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