BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Wishmaster (1997)

Wishmaster is a special effects guy's wet dream. The gore in this movie is only limited to the imagination of the people creating the effects. I don't really think there was much supervision when it came to the kills in this movie. I'm pretty sure the director just told his crew to go wild because that's what this movie is: WILD.

Like the opening scene for example, a skeleton explodes out of this guys body and then runs around killing people. That's just so awesome.

 I've come for your women and beer.

Some people will argue with me on this, and that's ok, but Wishmaster is, in my opinion, a "Perfect" horror movie. What I mean by perfect is that I can watch this movie OVER AND OVER AND OVER and still enjoy it every time. Actually I think I enjoy it MORE every time I see it. I don't think I could ever get bored with this movie. (Some other movies I would consider perfect include Predator and Re-Animator) Wishmaster isn't perfect, no movie is perfect, but it's perfect for me. And that's all that matters.

I've always liked this movie. From the very first time I saw it up until my umpteenth viewing Sunday. It still shocks me how awesome it is. The effects are top notch, the Wishmaster is so fucking badass, and the CAST AND CREW: Oh lord the cast and crew. THAT is where this movie shines brightest (amongst B movie fans anyway)

• Andrew Divoff as the Wishmaster (Lost, Executive Decision)
• Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger)
• Kane Hodder (Some Friday the 13th sequels and the Hatchet movies)
• Angus Scrimm narrates (The Tall Man from Phantasm)
• Reggie Bannister (Speaking of Phantasm, here's the star)
• Chris Lemmon ("star" of Thunder in Paradise)
• Tony Todd (CANDYMAN!)
• Buck Flower (Most ever John Carpenter movie, he actually has an OPENING credit here)
• Ted Raimi (Sam Raimi's brother. Boy does that guy like dying.)
• Ricco Ross (Aliens)
• Robert Kurtzman (Director of Wishmaster, also an amazing special effects guy for tons of movies)
• Peter Aitkins (writer of Wishmaster, also the writer of Hellraiser 2 & 3)
• And finally, Wes Craven (Executive Producer of Wishmaster, guy that invented Freddy Krueger)

That's a long list. They space out each appearance so well too. It was such a joy to see Reggie Bannister and Buck Flower in the same scene arguing with each other. I love it.

Wishmaster (if you don't already know) is about an evil Genie. They portray them as a race of beings called the Djinn in this movie. They live in the plane of existence between Earth and Hell. One particular Djinn, the Wishmaster, is wrecking havoc on Earth. You see, when someone wakes the Wishmaster he must grant the person that woke him 3 wishes and upon granting the third, the Wishmaster can open the gate from his world to Earth and all the Djinn will take over the world. But a sorcerer traps the Wishmaster in a Ruby. (This is just the first few minutes of the movie.) So we fast forward to present day, a statue is broken that has the Ruby inside and a woman inadvertantly releases the Wishmaster. The Wishmaster spends half the movie granting wishes to strangers in exchange for their soul while searching for the woman that released him. (Which is really fucking awesome, not only because it paces this movie so well but also because the kills are so amazingly gory) Finally, he find her and more amazing things happen. I don't want to ruin the ending for you because the wishes this woman makes are pretty awesome.

Like this one.

It's ok to click that link. There isn't any major spoilers there. It's actually a FREE wish the Wishmaster first grants the woman to get the ball rolling. It's really awesome and actually shows just how amazing Andrew Divoff is as the Wishmaster and this scene portrays the general personality of the Wishmaster. He's like this the whole movie. If you like this scene, you'll like the whole movie.

 Hey baby, when this is over, you wanna come over to my place?

I really can't praise this movie enough. (But I'll sure as hell try) The effects are top notch, the majority of them being actual practical effects. (Which if you know me, are the BEST kind) The CGI included here just enhances any practical effects they got going on. It's quite impressive.

This movie, even with its flaws (what movie doesn't have flaws?), is perfect to me.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Killer Tongue (1996)

The Killer Tongue is a deep societal film about the emotions between lovers and their effects on other human beings. This movie explores all aspects of humanity beginning with lust and greed which lead up to its climactic finish of redemption and resolution.

I'm just fucking with you, its none of those things. IT'S THE KILLER TONGUE!!

The Killer Tongue comes from the crappy movie company of the late 90's called Shit-Pix...I mean A-Pix Entertainment. They were the company responsible for distributing such classics as Jack Frost, Razor Blade Smile, and The Ice Cream Man.  I remember watching a couple of A-Pix movies when I was younger and being just appalled at how shitty they were. Now that I've aged a little, drink Port Royal Rum on a regular basis, and my standards for movies are at an all time low, I FUCKING LOVE THIS COMPANY. And I sadly miss them and wish that I could have enjoyed the height of their reign. We'll always have Breeders.

Onto more of The Killer Tongue. The story starts with a bank robbery a la Bonnie and Clyde. Well Clyde goes to jail and Bonnie becomes a nun waiting until his sentence is over. That's love man. Well some time goes by and he's getting ready to get out. Well it just so happens a meteor crashes to Earth at the same time releasing a rogue alien creature that winds up in Bonnie's soup. She eats it and converts into smokin hot sexy babe...with a Killer Tongue!

And magnificent nipples.

Well she fights it at first but eventually she gets used to it. Also she has 3 dogs and for some reason they all turn into a gang of gay dudes. I don't really remember. Well its about this time that I dozed off for 20 minutes. I was kind of in and out but I'm pretty sure nothing important happened. I think there was just a few gay jokes and one of the nuns stripped down and was now in lingerie. And that's when I got back into the story. So Epic Tits up there catches her man in bed with Super Nun and she flips out...and unleashes the Killer Tongue on them. And that's when the tongue starts talking. It's fucking epic. I've never laughed so hard in my life. After it starts talking then the movie gets really exciting to watch. The kills amp up to 11, the one liners sneak out like a machine gun, and the craziness of the movie steps it up a couple levels.



Just watch that trailer right there. You get to hear it talk a little at the end. Fucking epic right? I know. It's the coolest. I think the tongue and that chick have sex at one point and its smoking a cigarette or something. I was laughing too fucking hard to catch it.

I'll be honest and say that the first hour of this movie was pretty much unwatchable. There wasn't anything that was really interesting about it. It was kind of like watching the setup to a bad gay porno. Except it had Robert Englund in it whipping a bunch of white boys in the desert....hmmm....maybe it was a gay porno. Anyway, it was really strange and trippy. Definitely a movie worth watching while under the influence of something. But its all worth it in the final half hour because shit hits the fan in so many epic way I can't even begin to describe them. But I will tell you that in one scene the killer tongue explodes through a dudes head and attacks a man's crotch that was standing right behind him. It was fucking amazing.

I'd only recommend this for the people that can handle really shitty movies. The picture isn't all that great, kinda seems like it was shot on a shitty camera. The only thing this movie has going for it are the cast. And by cast I mean the good actors that aren't really main characters. Robert Englund (aka Freddy Krueger), Doug Bradley (aka Pinhead), and a bizarre appearance from Jonathan Rhys Meyers (aka King Henry in The Tudors). Beyond all that there isn't much going on for the cast. Maybe the lead lady, Melinda Clarke. She was in Return of the Living Dead 3, but that's it. Everyone else can go fuck off.

Eh, go ahead and watch it. If you can stand it anyway. If you are bored to death or feel like blowing your brains out just do what I did and take a short nap in the middle. You won't miss anything. Just make sure you're awake for the final 30 minutes. They will blow your mind...and tongue.

Also...on a personal note. Thank you to Mr. Steen for creating my awareness to this wonderful film. Had it not been for him, I may not have seen it tantalizing me from the used video store shelf, wishing...lusting for me. Now I have finished making sweet sloppy second love to The Killer Tongue and I couldn't be happier. God Speed Mr. Steen.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Freddy vs. Ghostbusters (2004) FAN FILM

THIS IS A FAN FILM.  NO REAL FLASHY NICE BIG BUDGET MOVIE EXISTS.

That being said...I really enjoyed it.  And I would like to share my thought with all of you fine folks here of the internet.  I was cruising through the internet one day when I came across this work of art.  Shortly after I found a link where I can download it for free so I gave it a shot.  I'm happy I did.

In a world that is full of serious movies that come off silly and silly movies that are just too dumb, comes this baby.  With a running time of around 30 minutes, they pack in enough decent stuff that you really don't care that its a fan film.  The effects aren't that horrible and the acting is horrid, but that just adds to the fun.  They have plenty of great one-liners and movie references to please any movie fan.  I enjoyed the Matrix one...my name is NEAL! hahaha  The make up effects on Freddy were done great too.  He doesn't come anywhere near the greatness of Robert Englund, but the voice and laugh aren't half bad.

This is a movie from the fans for the fans.  Actually compared to a Hollywood story...this is one that a true fan can enjoy.  It's goofy of course, but when watching it you have to expect that.  It adds to the overall fun of it.  The dialogue was pretty good in my opinion.  Hell even the credits were fun to read.

I say give it a watch.  The ending was genius (after the credits).  You can find a copy of the film here along with it's feature length sequel "Return of the Ghostbusters." Which is also free.  It specifically said at the end it was for no financial gain....simply a movie for all of us. Thank you, I hope more videos like this make it to the light of day.