Sunday, August 29, 2010

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Killer Tongue (1996)

The Killer Tongue is a deep societal film about the emotions between lovers and their effects on other human beings. This movie explores all aspects of humanity beginning with lust and greed which lead up to its climactic finish of redemption and resolution.

I'm just fucking with you, its none of those things. IT'S THE KILLER TONGUE!!

The Killer Tongue comes from the crappy movie company of the late 90's called Shit-Pix...I mean A-Pix Entertainment. They were the company responsible for distributing such classics as Jack Frost, Razor Blade Smile, and The Ice Cream Man.  I remember watching a couple of A-Pix movies when I was younger and being just appalled at how shitty they were. Now that I've aged a little, drink Port Royal Rum on a regular basis, and my standards for movies are at an all time low, I FUCKING LOVE THIS COMPANY. And I sadly miss them and wish that I could have enjoyed the height of their reign. We'll always have Breeders.

Onto more of The Killer Tongue. The story starts with a bank robbery a la Bonnie and Clyde. Well Clyde goes to jail and Bonnie becomes a nun waiting until his sentence is over. That's love man. Well some time goes by and he's getting ready to get out. Well it just so happens a meteor crashes to Earth at the same time releasing a rogue alien creature that winds up in Bonnie's soup. She eats it and converts into smokin hot sexy babe...with a Killer Tongue!

And magnificent nipples.

Well she fights it at first but eventually she gets used to it. Also she has 3 dogs and for some reason they all turn into a gang of gay dudes. I don't really remember. Well its about this time that I dozed off for 20 minutes. I was kind of in and out but I'm pretty sure nothing important happened. I think there was just a few gay jokes and one of the nuns stripped down and was now in lingerie. And that's when I got back into the story. So Epic Tits up there catches her man in bed with Super Nun and she flips out...and unleashes the Killer Tongue on them. And that's when the tongue starts talking. It's fucking epic. I've never laughed so hard in my life. After it starts talking then the movie gets really exciting to watch. The kills amp up to 11, the one liners sneak out like a machine gun, and the craziness of the movie steps it up a couple levels.

Just watch that trailer right there. You get to hear it talk a little at the end. Fucking epic right? I know. It's the coolest. I think the tongue and that chick have sex at one point and its smoking a cigarette or something. I was laughing too fucking hard to catch it.

I'll be honest and say that the first hour of this movie was pretty much unwatchable. There wasn't anything that was really interesting about it. It was kind of like watching the setup to a bad gay porno. Except it had Robert Englund in it whipping a bunch of white boys in the desert....hmmm....maybe it was a gay porno. Anyway, it was really strange and trippy. Definitely a movie worth watching while under the influence of something. But its all worth it in the final half hour because shit hits the fan in so many epic way I can't even begin to describe them. But I will tell you that in one scene the killer tongue explodes through a dudes head and attacks a man's crotch that was standing right behind him. It was fucking amazing.

I'd only recommend this for the people that can handle really shitty movies. The picture isn't all that great, kinda seems like it was shot on a shitty camera. The only thing this movie has going for it are the cast. And by cast I mean the good actors that aren't really main characters. Robert Englund (aka Freddy Krueger), Doug Bradley (aka Pinhead), and a bizarre appearance from Jonathan Rhys Meyers (aka King Henry in The Tudors). Beyond all that there isn't much going on for the cast. Maybe the lead lady, Melinda Clarke. She was in Return of the Living Dead 3, but that's it. Everyone else can go fuck off.

Eh, go ahead and watch it. If you can stand it anyway. If you are bored to death or feel like blowing your brains out just do what I did and take a short nap in the middle. You won't miss anything. Just make sure you're awake for the final 30 minutes. They will blow your mind...and tongue.

Also...on a personal note. Thank you to Mr. Steen for creating my awareness to this wonderful film. Had it not been for him, I may not have seen it tantalizing me from the used video store shelf, wishing...lusting for me. Now I have finished making sweet sloppy second love to The Killer Tongue and I couldn't be happier. God Speed Mr. Steen.

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