There's a movie coming out. Ninjas vs Vampires. Enough said. The synopsis for this movie needs to be explained as much as Hobo With A Shotgun's synopsis needs to be explained. All there is is Ninjas...and Vampires. I'm sold.
And if you can fucking believe it, this is A SEQUEL! First there was Ninjas vs Zombies! FUCKING ZOMBIES! That's awesome.
And NvZ is already out on DVD AND NETFLIX. Needless to say it's already in the old Queue. (AH FUCK, there's a "short wait", I'll never get it!!!) As soon as my copy of The Guyver 2: Dark Hero gets here tomorrow and I watch it then send it back...hopefully I'll be watching this movie. Unless Netflix fucks me. Which its done before. (Yes, I'd really like to skip disc 3 of the 5th season of Deep Space 9, I'm sure nothing important or relevant happens on the 2nd disc. Fuck.)
Here's the trailers for you to salivate over.
NINJAS vs VAMPIRES
NINJAS vs ZOMBIES
Ah, fuck it. Just buy it. I'm sure it's awesome. LOOK AT THAT LOGO!
Do you like the movie Predator? Do you like Robots? Would you rather Predator had more robots and worse actors? Well then you are in luck my friend, this is ROBOWAR!
Robowar is a hands down carbon copy of Schwarzenegger's Predator. So much so that I was taking notes while watching it noting similarities. I'm sure if Predator was a person and had a little chat with Robowar, Predator would be all like, "Robowar, what the fuck? Why did you copy me?" and Robowar would say something like, "We didn't copy you, there's a robot in our movie. There's no fucking robots in Predator," to which Predator would punch Robowar in the face and leave the room.
THE TRAILER! (shield your eyes)
ROBOWAR vs PREDATOR
A group of elite forces enters the jungle to go after some guerrillas.
They keep encountering random skinned corpses in the jungle, sometimes in the trees.
When they get to the guerrilla camp they shoot everyone there and then encounter the Predator, err Robot.
The Robot has a robovision very similar to the heat vision in Predator.
They frequently refer to the robot as "The Hunter".
At one point everyone fires wildly into the jungle and then some dude checks it out. When he comes back he says, "There's no blood, there's no body, there's no traces at all. We didn't hit a damn thing!"
Instead of there being, "One Ugly Motherfucker" we get BAMs or "Bad Ass Motherfuckers"
The Robot has wrist mounted weapons. But it's a laser so its different.
And the lead dude leaps from a cliffside in front of a waterfall EXACTLY the same way Arnie does it in Predator.
Can you tell the difference?
I just want you to know right now that I'm so dedicated to THIS BLOG and BAD MOVIES that I sat through a 9 part VHS transfer on YouTube for this review. That's how much I care about you internet. (to some of you that's either hard-fucking-core or really-fucking-stupid. I call it the Gable way)
Where do I begin with this review? I think the writer. The story from Robowar comes from the same mastermind that wrote and directed TROLL 2, Claudio Fragrasso. Right there from seeing his name in the opening credits I knew I was in for a shitstorm. Granted he didn't direct this movie but you'd never know it. Actually he was running around as "The Hunter". He had to have been kind of "suggesting" ways of shooting scenes to the real director of this movie, Bruno Mattei. He must have been so ashamed to have been apart of this piece of shit that he credited himself with the name Vincent Dawn. That's fucking amazing.
If you're as brave as me and have to watch this I'll let you know what you're getting into. Yes it is a Predator rip-off but I figure at least half the movie is just shots of guys walking through the jungle with electro music playing. (watch that at the 1:40 mark) They really did TRY to make some effort to make it exciting but in the end its just a bunch of dudes walking through the jungle. To the next scene in the script. Also, the characters keep randomly walking off screen, presumably attempting to escape the movie, but they kept getting pulled back into the story and forced to walk through the jungle to their next scene. It's just horrible.
Random Screen Shot!
So eventually this movie ends like all bad movies do...helplessly. They spent 80 minutes progressing the story and throwing in fight scenes and some explosions BUT THEY FORGET TO KILL ANYONE! So they just start offing guys left and right. Please, Please watch part 6 on YouTube. Fast forward to the 8:20 mark where they are crossing the river and the guy gets pulled away...by something, it may have the Robot or he may have been trying to escape the movie again...but its so ball slappingly hilarious that I had to watch it 5 times in a row. (much to my balls' protest) I was hoping to capture the magic of the scene with a screenshot but it just doesn't do it any justice.
But anyway, they eventually come up with a plan to destroy the robot but there's still too many characters alive. So one goes out to try and reason with it, or kill it. But he epic fails and is killed. So another dude ventures out to try the same thing and is met with the same fate as the first guy. BAM problem solved, now we have the perfect amount of people left to finish this damn movie. Let's do this thing.
Ah HA! A way out of this movie. Later bitches.
So they go to some convenient location in the jungle. There conveniently happens to be the right amount of chemicals in this place to make napalm. It's also quite convenient that the lady mixing them, the helpless blonde female, has a degree in chemistry and knows how to make napalm. And they are given enough time to put it all into a jug to blow up the building as the Robot enters it. Convenient.
BUT WAIT! There's more! The inevitable and always predictable twist ending. It's still alive and then they blow it up for real. THANK GOD IT'S OVER.
Then the end credits roll...EXACTLY LIKE PREDATOR's! You see a snippet of the characters and then their names. Who Gives A Fuck as Sgt. Dumbass. Etc.
This movie was worth it when they set up a parameter, like the pig scene in Predator, and the Robot comes walking in tripping mines and tearing shit up and one of the elite guys says, "The mines! He stepped on them like they were dogshit!" Brilliant, *claps hands*, something I can leave this movie with.
I don't recommend this to anyone. It is laughably bad..err..sad. It's just a horrible attempt and ultimately embarrassing for everyone involved. Cast, crew, audience. It's kind of like getting drunk and nailing a fat chick after bar close. It was ok to let that happen once and you may have even liked it a little but nobody needs to know about it.
Except when I do it.
And now some random screenshots for your enjoyment. See if you can tell what part of Predator they're ripping off.
XFL reject
This black guy wears a head band, it's totally different.
Predator could afford a minigun for this scene, we couldn't.
See! Lasers! Different.
I'm not Billy, my name's Quang. (seriously, IMDb that shit)
Finally! Something I've been fighting my entire life, MOLD! Mold makes it way out of my fucking rentless basement and into the real world...killing people in hilarious and horrible ways then filming it for my pleasure.
Set in 1984, when the war on drugs was at its height, the story concerns a strain of mold developed by the government to wipe out Colombian coca fields. Unfortunately, during a demonstration the mold gets out of control and proves to be deadly to more than just vegetation.
This movie has the potential to be...well besides amazingly bad...very gory. Killer mold has limitless possibilities...deformities, melting bodies, mutations, a guest appearance from Christopher Walken, and perhaps even the ability to talk! I will be keeping my eye on this movie. Below you can catch the teaser trailer, the effects aren't looking too bad.
Mold! is currently in post-production and looking to make a tour in the near future. I'll keep my eye out and let you know when details become available. Cuz we're totally going, internet. Don't you think of fucking backing out on me on this.
Here are some behind the scenes footage. It kind of reminds me of The Stuff but green.
Fuck it, I brought up The Stuff in this article. I need to post a picture. (Also its 2am, I just finished punishing myself with Battle Queen 2020, I'm high on Nos, and this NEEDS to happen)
I call this Mr. Gable's Money Shot
And while googling for this picture I come across a movie from 1985 that I'll be looking into. Massacre in Dinosaur Valley. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And then some asshole changed the name to Stranded in Dinosaur Valley...presumably for the lack of massacre in this movie. I can only assume.
FYI: the following is very graphic, bloody, and inappropriate for everyone. Now that the pussies are gone, THE TRAILER!
There's nothing I can add to this post to make it any better. This movie looks like movie of the year. Fuck it, I'm just gonna call it...this is the movie of the year. Bar none. I nerdgasmed several times during the trailer. I just don't know what to say, it's one of my fucking heroes...Rutger Hauer...blowing the ever loving shit out of everyone! With a shotgun! I'm so excited for this. It can't come fast enough.
I have to say that I'm not very impressed. I know you have a better library than this SyFy. It might cost a little less to air THE STAND ALL FUCKING DAY but come one, lets see some Return of the Living Dead 3 and Mosquito. THESE are the movies we want to see on a holiday movie marathon.
Besides, you had Stephen King Saturday like what...two months ago?
All times EST.
Saturday, 9/4/10
9-11am: Sometimes They Come Back...Again (now if I were running this marathon I'd start the day out with the trilogy NOT the 2nd movie...but that's just me.) 11-3pm: Stephen King's The Tommyknockers (what the hell is up with airing this all the time?) 3-11pm: Stephen King's The Stand (wow...EIGHT HOURS...watching this is like working) 11-2am: Stephen King's Desperation (I watched the first half hour once...it was pretty intriguing, I plan to finish it someday. Not this day but someday) 2-4am: In the Mouth of Madness (and your mom) 4-6am: Stephen King's Riding the Bullet (the only one that I haven't seen and you put it at 4 in the morning, fuck you SyFy)
Sunday, 9/5/10
10-12pm: A Sound of Thunder (decent premise, horrible effects. Worth working out your hangover) 12-2pm: Eragon 2-4pm: Highlander: The Source (meh) 4-6:30pm: Predator (SyFy Execs: We're having a marathon...better put Predator in there. We never show Predator that often anymore on weekends. But make sure you put it on MONDAY too.) 6:30-9pm: Silent Hill (have yet to watch this but I hear good things) 9-11:30pm: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (starring Sean Connery!) 11:30-2am: The Prestige (hmmm...a pretty good movie...at about the time I'm gonna be REALLY WASTED) 2-4am: Eragon (again? What's the point of a marathon if you show the same fucking movie twice) 4-5:30am: Mimic 3: The Sentinel (either this movie is short or they figure no one is watching and they cut out the last half hour)
Good GOD look at that tagline. "Don't Forget You're Lunch!" This is...gonna...be...AWESOME!! The cover art looks like a scene out of Shark Attack 3. That lady is just kind of "disappearing" into that alligator's mouth. I LOVE IT! Much improved from that horrible Lake Placid 2 cover.
That's right, there's a Lake Placid 3 coming. Does anyone remember Lake Plaid 2? No one? That's no surprise. Unless you're a SyFy channel junkie I doubt you caught it anywhere. If you saw the cover art to LP2 then you'd know you were in for a shit storm. It seriously looked like it was made in MS Paint. LP2, have you never heard of Lunapic? Get with the times.
But I have higher hopes for Lake Placid 3. The cover art is a little better, just a little. The trailer (you can see below) still has the shitty CGI alligators but who knows, we could be in for some surprises. But the CAST, that's what I'm all about. The lead from guy from SyFy's Eureka is in it, Colin Ferguson, the gal from Hard Target, TV's shitty attempt at Witchblade, and the more recent Kick-Ass, Yancy Butler (she was like the Amy Whinehouse of the 90's), but the man I'm most excited to see (and whom I'm sure will only survive 8 minutes) is Michael Ironside. Star of Scanners, Total Recall, and Extreme Prejudice. (click that link, you won't regret it)
This is Michael Ironside...waiting for ice cream.
Michael Ironside is one of those actors that pops up in EVERYTHING but not enough people appreciate him. His growly voice resonates deep into our souls with every appearance. He knows what he wants and he fucking TAKES IT. He is Michael Ironside. And these fucking alligators in Lake Placid 3 are about to get Ironsided.
(Thanks to my friend J-man for coining the term, "Ironsided". I can't possibly use it enough)
And now enjoy the Ironsiding in the official Lake Placid 3 trailer complete with FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!!
Wait a minute, did they fucking kill Ironside IN THE TRAILER!? This can't be happening. Why would anyone watch this or even show some interest when the MAIN DRAW is dead. I bet he actually survives and this is how the movie ends.
A man can dream can't he?
Check out Dread Central for the unimportant synopsis and press release of this soon to be classic bad movie.
I've known that this has been coming down the pike for awhile. I'm not very happy about it but it's coming. How could you possibly remake Fright Night? The original is classic on all counts. All the actors are perfect, nothing is very dated, the story is solid, the effects are wonderful, there's a perfect blend of terror and laughter...fucking perfect.
Now instead of enjoying our peaceful, friendly Roddy McDowall Peter Vincent that we've all come to know and love...
My fucking Hero.
...we get this Criss Angel pussy.
Click the picture to see an enlarged version...unless you value your eyes.
OH COME ON MAN! Really? Aren't we done with Criss Angel? Wasn't he done being "cool" like 5 years ago. I never even understood it anyway. Street magic, bah! This just isn't cool Hollywood. Not cool at all. I can't even RELATE to this. Is this new Peter Vincent some kind of magician? He looks like he has some kind of stage show. Kind of WAY OFF on the late night crappy movie host Peter Vincent of 1985. THAT Peter Vincent fucking RULES. (and so does that video link - I...Kill...VAMPIRES!)
Oh and by the way Hollywood. Please learn something from this blog.
This is pants-shittingly scary.
This man's exposed belly button and crotch helmet are not.
I'm still gonna see this. That's the sad thing. But you won't get my money in the theatre! I'll probably just nab it on Netflix. If for any reason at all...McLovin is in this movie. Something about McLovin I can't stop Lovin. Also Chekov from the new Star Trek is in it as the lead. Meh.
Adrienne Barbeau, you may remember her and her magnificent PG rated rack from Wes Craven's Swamp Thing, has a new movie! And it's a killer! heh heh heh. Well actually she's more of a zombie. But in any case I've been following this movie on facebook for quite a while and have been pretty excited to see it. After seeing present day Adrienne in HBO's Carnivale, she really still has what it takes as far as acting is concerned. I don't care how old or undead she is, I'd still run her up a stop sign and bone the living dead out of her.
And if you live in any of the following cities you can see this wonderful film for yourself. In person. At the theatre. You might even get to meet Adrienne! Who knows. I certainly don't.
UPCOMING SCREENINGS:
ATLANTA, GA - Sat, Sep 4, 2010, 11:30pm Dragon*Con Short Film Festival
GETTYSBURG, PA - ADRIENNE BARBEAU in person! - Fri, Sep 3, 2010, 5:20pm Horrorfind Weekend
TULSA, OK - Fri, Sep 3, 2010, 12:00pm Oklahoma Horror Film Festival
SEATTLE, WA - Sep 17-19, 2010 Maelstrom Intl. Fantastic Film Festival
TUCSON, AZ - Wed, Sep 22, 2010, 7:00pm Arizona Underground Film Festival
CHICAGO, IL - Fri, Sep 24, 2010, 4:10pm Chicago Horror Film Festival
NEW YORK, NY - Sep 24-26 Coney Island Film Festival
LOS ANGELES, CA - Oct, 2010 Screamfest
SITGES, SPAIN - Oct 7-17, 2010 Sitges Film Festival
RICHLAND, WA - Oct 15-16, 2010 Tri-City Independent Film Festival
WORCESTER, MA - ADRIENNE BARBEAU in person! - Oct 15-17, 2010 Rock & Shock
ALBANY, NY - Oct 22-24, 2010 WAMC's Zombie Film Feast
SHEFFIELD, UNITED KINGDOM - Oct 22-24, 2010 Celluloid Screams: The Sheffield Horror Film Festival
PEORIA, IL - Nov 5-7, 2010 Drunken Zombie Film Festival
FOXBORO, MA - Sat, Nov 13, 2010, 3:30pm Killer Film Festival
You can find more information and lots of cool pictures at the official Alice Jacobs is Dead website.
