FUCK THIS REMAKE: Fright Night - First look at the new Peter Vincent

I've known that this has been coming down the pike for awhile. I'm not very happy about it but it's coming. How could you possibly remake Fright Night? The original is classic on all counts. All the actors are perfect, nothing is very dated, the story is solid, the effects are wonderful, there's a perfect blend of terror and laughter...fucking perfect.

Now instead of enjoying our peaceful, friendly Roddy McDowall Peter Vincent that we've all come to know and love...

My fucking Hero.

...we get this Criss Angel pussy.

Click the picture to see an enlarged version...unless you value your eyes.

OH COME ON MAN! Really? Aren't we done with Criss Angel? Wasn't he done being "cool" like 5 years ago. I never even understood it anyway. Street magic, bah! This just isn't cool Hollywood. Not cool at all. I can't even RELATE to this. Is this new Peter Vincent some kind of magician? He looks like he has some kind of stage show. Kind of WAY OFF on the late night crappy movie host Peter Vincent of 1985. THAT Peter Vincent fucking RULES. (and so does that video link - I...Kill...VAMPIRES!)

Oh and by the way Hollywood. Please learn something from this blog.

This is pants-shittingly scary.

This man's exposed belly button and crotch helmet are not.

I'm still gonna see this. That's the sad thing. But you won't get my money in the theatre! I'll probably just nab it on Netflix. If for any reason at all...McLovin is in this movie. Something about McLovin I can't stop Lovin. Also Chekov from the new Star Trek is in it as the lead. Meh.

Fuckin A. Just stop with the remakes already.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Last House on the Left (2009) remake

Reality is the single most terrifying subject a horror film could use. I'm not talking about "based on a true story" or that B.S., I'm talking real situations with real people that we all try to write off as something that really doesn't happen. I guess if we all had to live with the fact that there really is evil people out there hell bent on hurting you (and not just physically) I'm sure we'd all go insane. It's so much easier to deny ourselves our evil half and focus on more "happy" things. So before I continue I think I should let anyone who has yet to see this film know what exactly it is they're getting into.

I'll try to keep this spoiler free but its hard to with a subject matter such as this. Along with other horror films this one has its blood and some fair gore. Thank god for that because without it I would feel a lot less comfortable watching this film. The Last House on the Left will pull at your emotions. It will shove reality in your face. It will make you think twice. This is one of those films that you really do not want your children to watch. Although while in their early teenage state it might be a useful tool to show them the way of this world. The main subject matter (***and if you don't want to know skip to the next paragraph) is of some nasty people raping a 17 year old girl and killing her friend. Honestly was one of the hardest things not to turn away from in my life. I forced myself to watch it. I did not enjoy it in any way but I do not regret it either. It's good for the human condition to get a reminder every once in a while that these things happen to innocent people. Other things you can look forward to is vengeful parents. Revenge is a dish best served cold....fuck that noise, this baby just came out of the oven. Once the parents got started I wasn't sure how to feel. I guess the same thing happened with The Mist, I've never been so happy to see something be killed....and I don't know if that's a good thing.

This movie is truly terrifying. I personally love watching bad movies and stupid outlandish movies. I love them because there really isn't anything to connect to. I don't have to worry about aliens coming in and eating me. In this fim its just so awful what goes down. It really hooks you in and tears at your heart. I swear my insides were fluttering for 60% of the film. It was just that tense and heartbreaking. I would never call this movie cool or awesome. Actually, I'm not sure how I would tell someone about this movie. I guess I'd just have to let them know what they're in store for.

Alright moving on with my review...the cast. Great cast. All of them were great actors and did a very convincing job. There is a lot of heavy emotion and crying involved and it was good to see people good at what they do. Some of the more familiar faces in this movie are Garret Dillahunt, whom you may have caught as a cyborg on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Also there's Monica Potter, who was in films like Saw and Con Air. And finally a surprise to me, Martha MacIsaac, who was the love interest in the funny movie Superbad. The direction of Dennis Iliadis is great. According to IMDb he doesn't have much of a resume but I'm sure with this film he will be getting a few more jobs. I thought the look and feel of everything was just horrifying. Atmosphere is everything.

So by the end of the film you are satisfied with yourself. I saw it in a drive in and so many people left after the nasty parts. I knew better and waited for the sweet sweet ending. With a film such as this you need closure in order to move on with your life. At least for the immediate future proceeding it. Stick around, you'll love what happens. Just be sure you can handle it.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009) remake

To quote the great MLK, I shall base this review on the content of its character, not the color of its skin. What I mean is that I shall review the content of the film, not the flashy gimmick of 3-D technology...but I will comment on it.

Its obvious to any horror fiend that the genre has been in a tight downward spiral over the past decade or more. Originality has lost its way as the popularity (and profitability) of remakes has taken over. It also seems to be the same old story with films these days. My Bloody Valentine gives hope to an otherwise dwindling genre along with many subsequent subgenres. My Bloody Valentine is indeed a remake but done so with the greatest of care. This is one of those rare occasions (such as the case with Dawn of the Dead 2004) in which the remake is very enjoyable and gruesome but at the same time respects the original and does something different. Like DOTD it reuses some characters and setting but that is pretty much it, from there the story unfolds differently, twisting and turning, keeping the audience guessing up until the climactic ending. My Bloody Valentine also brings hope to the slasher genre. Not only is this just a remake of a slasher movie, it also plays out like a great 80's slasher film. Any fan of Friday the 13th or Halloween can rest easy that this film doesn't downplay itself to that market and instead exemplifies it bringing about interesting and innovative death scenes, excellent gore effects, and of course some sweet sweet 3D nudity.

Ok...so the 3D. Is it a necessity? On all accounts NO! This movie kicks enough ass on its own that 3D doesn't need to be there. Is the 3D genius? YES! Not only is it a genius marketing ploy to get people in the seats (hooked me in) but it also adds some cool effects from the film to the viewer. Many times I jumped backward because objects were coming at me. Real-D technology is so much superior to that stupid Red/Green goggles. I didn't get that big of a headache and the strain on my eyes was minimal. This movie is a great date film. The 3D alone is great but the added scares help elevate your experience. It also makes the trip to the theatre that much more enjoyable and fun. Its been awhile since its been a riot to be at the theatre in this day and age of massive TV's and kick ass Surround Sound systems. Before long the theatre will be obsolete. Althought I hope that isn't the case.
In any case My Bloody Valentine is a fun romp through 80's slasher nostalgia and also a great update to that particular film. The only thing that I had against it was the climax. I felt it was a little obvious and not all that epic. Since seeing it in the theatre I've picked it up on DVD. I haven't watched it with the Red/Green lenses yet so I'll have to see how it looks on my little POS TV. Hopefully soon they can bring Real-D to TV's.

If you needed any other reason to see this movie - Tom "mucho badass" Atkins. That guy alone is worth seeing ANY movie. All I got out of him was the same I felt throughout Night of the Creeps. Bad Ass Cop!

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Friday the 13th (2009) remake

I am torn as to which angle to review this film.  This film has provoked seperate emotions pulling me left and right as to just how I feel about this movie.  So instead of coming up with some half-assed way of expressing myself I will let the voices of my multiple personalities tell you how they feel about it.

The Avid Movie Goer - 5/10
I love watching movies in the theatre.  Not only do I go for the experience of the big screen and the people but I love being first in line to see the greats and be a part of movie history.  Friday the 13th was yet another great date movie.  Along with the first 8 Jason movies (I never liked it when he was a evil centipede or in space but when he terrorized unknowing teenage campers) this one takes place at Crystal Lake and offing a bunch of teenagers.  The story itself is a great piece of nostalgia bringing fans back to the original.  The effects and scares are plentiful.  My boy Jason is always at the right place at the right time and inventing cool ways to kill kids.  I'd bring my girlfriend with just to have her cuddle closer to me, get turned on by the nudity, and for me to enjoy the gore.  This film is a decent flick but hardly worth the $10 ticket, the $10 concessions, and having to put up with cell phones, chatty teens, and yes...babies.

The Ignorant Teenager - 8/10
This movie is awesome!  (If I were an ingnorant teen anymore)  Jason is back on his game and kicking more ass than ever!  The kills are more brutal, the nudity is way better, and those annoying teens are only just a little annoying.  The nudity far outways having to put up with the crappy characters.  Actually the majority of the characters had a nice wit to themselves and were fun to watch.  Yes it was yet another senseless party at the lake, but I actually enjoyed it.  The interaction with one another was pretty fun...along with waiting for the next kill.  I'd watch it over again just to see those kids get offed again...same reason I'd watch any other slasher movie.

The Merciless Critic - 2/10
This movie stinks worse than mayonnaise in the hot sun.  Why people would be turned on by senseless violence anymore is beyond me.  Friday the 13th remake?  Are you kidding me?  Jason has been everywhere!  The camp, Manhattan, Hell, Space, and even pitted against a box office rival, but come on back to his roots!?  This movie plays better as a sequel than it does a remake.  If you haven't actually seen the originals the Jason legend is completely lost on you.  They give a sketchy at best origin story but its a complete mess.  They just wanted to skip past mommy dearest and get right into the merciless "Jason."  Come on really?  Jason has motives and they really didn't show any of that?  He's just been living at the abandoned camp for 30 years in underground tunnels and for some reason just decides its a good time to start offing people left and right.  I don't get it and apparently neither does platinum dunes.

The Seasoned Veteran - 3/10 
The only thing I actually LOVED in this movie (over the sweet kills) is Jason's mother.  I was pleasantly surprised to see Nana Visitor (that would be Colonel Kira Neyres from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) as Jason's mother.  Even though her role was scarce it was the only happiness I saw throughout the entire film.  I enjoy everything Jason but this movie just seems to miss the point...along with every Jason since New Line has started making it.  I've always thought he had a purpose and motivation but they just seemed to rush his history and legend to jump right into some kills.  Jason is LEGEND and they just wanted another slasher movie.  It's not worthy of the Friday the 13th Logo but it does play out kind of nicely in the end.  I enjoyed it but it wasn't necessary to remake it.  This would have been a better sequel if they would have just kept it pre-hell status.

All in all we give it a 5/10.  Its just ok.  Worth a netflix rental.  The gore and nudity are worth it but the rest is just a spit in the face of Jason.  He should probably go kill everyone in hollywood for this.